Chapter 43
43
MAX
‘Let me guess,’ Stella said. ‘You like me but you’re not ready for a relationship, right?’
Shit. She was spot on.
‘Yeah,’ I winced. ‘But it’s not so cut and dried. I wanna be with you, but I just don’t think it can work.’
‘Why?’ Her face crumpled and my heart squeezed.
‘The next few months are gonna be tricky. I’ve got a lot of travelling to do for work, so I don’t wanna promise anything then let you down.’
‘Travelling? Where to?’
‘Australia, America, around Europe… I’ve spent ages trying to grow our export business and I’ve finally had some breakthroughs. It’s too important not to pursue it.’
‘More important than a relationship.’
‘Yes. No. I…’ I blew out a breath. ‘It doesn’t mean you’re not important to me. You really are. It’s just… I need to get this done.’
‘Fair enough.’ She shrugged her shoulders like it was no big deal. I should’ve been relieved, but stupidly part of me was disappointed that she wasn’t bothered. Maybe she didn’t like me as much as I liked her. ‘Well, maybe drop me a line when you’re back and depending on the circumstances, we could meet up.’
‘Circumstances?’ My brows knitted together.
‘Y’know. Maybe you’ll meet someone. Or maybe I will.’
The thought of Stella with another man was like a knife to my gut. I didn’t want her to be with anyone else.
I didn’t want another man to touch her soft skin, to kiss her lips, to be inside her. But I had to accept that it was gonna happen because I couldn’t give her what she wanted.
Even if I was considering the whole relationship thing, I couldn’t expect her to wait months for me to come back.
Imagine the conversation: ‘Hey, Stell, I wanna be with you, but I’m gonna be busy for a couple of months, so you okay to put your life on hold for me and not date anyone until I come back?’
That wasn’t fair. It was selfish. I’d already wasted enough of her time. When I was in Manchester she spent time and money coming to visit me. I found out after we broke up that she even put her studies on hold for me. And what did I do? I broke her heart. I wasn’t gonna do that again.
Nah. The only option was to let her go.
What was that saying? If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was .
If Stella and I were meant to be, we’d find each other again, right? Just like how we both ended up at The Love Hotel after all those years.
I wanted to believe that, but part of me thought that we were already lucky once. Leaving our future in the hands of fate for a second time was asking too much. But like I said, I had no choice. I had to let her go.
‘So that’s it then?’ I fixed my eyes on Stella, trying to read her reaction.
‘What else is there to say? We said from the start that we’d keep it casual, that’d it’d just be for the holiday, so that’s what we’re doing. Sticking to our agreement.’
‘And you’re happy with that?’
‘What does it matter?’ she huffed. ‘You’ve said you’re too busy for a relationship, so that’s all there is to it. I’m not going to beg if that’s what you want.’
‘I’d never expect you to do that, I just…’ I had the feeling that the more I spoke, the worse it’d sound, so I decided to shut the fuck up.
‘We’ve agreed it’s the end, so let’s just forget it and enjoy the views,’ Stella said.
For the rest of the journey we sat in silence.
Stella’s eyes were glued to the window, facing away from me whilst I sat at the opposite end of the backseat.
Sitting so far apart felt weird. The last few car journeys our lips, bodies and hands were super-glued together. Now we were like strangers. It was like we’d reverted to that first night at the hotel when she couldn’t stand the sight of me. I hated it, but I’d made my bed, so I had to suck it up.
When we arrived at the airport, we checked the departure boards. Stella’s flight was going to Gatwick and I was on the later flight to Heathrow, so we’d be checking in separately.
‘So…’ I said. ‘Have a safe flight and…’ I racked my brain, thinking of what to say. Keep in touch sounded so lame. That was what you said when you knew you weren’t gonna speak to that person again. I didn’t want that to happen. I really did want to see her again. ‘Speak soon?’
‘Yeah,’ Stella said.
I went to kiss her lips, but she turned her face, causing my mouth to skim her cheek.
Fair enough.
‘Bye,’ I said .
As I watched her walk away, her silhouette fading into the distance, my heart cracked.
So that was that.
No more Stella.
No more holding her. No more feeling her head resting on my chest.
No more inhaling her delicious scent.
No more kisses.
No more hugs.
No more listening to the sound of her infectious laugh or stroking her soft skin.
Watching her walk out of my life didn’t just mark the end of the holiday. It marked the end of one of the happiest times I’d ever experienced.
And right at that moment I knew that without Stella, my life would never be the same again.