Chapter 46
46
STELLA
It’d been a productive week. Hard, but I’d got through it.
Just.
Once Sammie left last Sunday, I’d spent most of the day holed up in my room, looking through the memory book like a saddo.
At first I’d told myself I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I knew staring at the photos of me and Max together made things a million times worse, but I couldn’t tear myself away from poring over the pages.
Then I’d start thinking about our last night and the things he’d arranged to make it special, like asking the chef to make my favourite food. Even after all of these years apart, Max still knew me better than any man ever had.
But by the time it got to Tuesday and I was still pining for him, I finally had to admit the truth: at least to myself.
I loved Max.
I didn’t know if I’d ever stopped loving him.
Love wasn’t like a tap you could just turn on and off. Real, deep love was like an endless river that flowed through peaks and valleys with no end.
I realised that my love for him had been dormant, but it’d never gone away completely. It was like my heart was always waiting for that moment that we’d see each other again.
And that was when I also realised that no matter what, as soon as Max was back from his travels, I’d go and see him. It was time to break down my walls. Let him in. I didn’t want to be tough Stella. I wanted to be vulnerable, honest Stella. The woman he helped in the pool when her top flew off. The version of me that accepted his help when I was terrified of walking on that scary pathway.
At least if I told him how I felt instead of trying to pretend I didn’t care, then I’d know that I did everything I could. I wouldn’t have any regrets. Hopefully his feelings would’ve changed and he’d be willing to give us a go, but if not, I’d have proper closure and wouldn’t have to wonder what if . I could move on properly with my life.
Once I’d come to terms with the fact that there was nothing I could do for the next two months, I threw myself into my work.
Marjorie said she was happy to work every afternoon which meant that once I’d gone through the emails in the morning and passed the orders to Mum, I could spend all afternoon and evening on my own venture.
There was so much to do, but I’d made a start on a business plan, drawn up a list of potential clients to contact and messaged some old colleagues to see if they’d heard about any design opportunities.
I’d also created a logo for my company: Stellar Designs . Next week I’d work on the website.
And I planned to look into taking a trip abroad .
Going to Spain had reminded me that there was a whole world out there to explore.
As much as I wanted to be with Max, I couldn’t just wait around for two months. I’d wasted too much of my time sitting at home doing nothing. I didn’t want to just exist any more. Now I wanted to keep living and enjoying life. Just like I’d done at The Love Hotel.
I didn’t know yet whether or not I’d go on a solo trip or I’d invite Sammie, but I’d start by organising a weekend break.
I pulled out my desk drawer to get my passport. If I kept it out in full view, it’d motivate me every time I saw it.
That was odd. I continued rooting around the drawer but couldn’t see it.
After jumping up from my desk, I went to the kitchen where Mum was working.
‘Have you seen my passport?’
‘Your passport?’ she frowned. ‘Why?’
‘I thought it was in my desk drawer but I can’t find it.’
‘Maybe you left it in your suitcase. Do you have any plans for tomorrow?’
‘Don’t think so. I’ll probably just keep working on my company stuff. You?’
‘I was thinking of going for a walk near Kew Gardens. Want to join me?’
‘Okay.’ At least it’d get me out of the house.
Until then, I’d keep busy with my work.
Before I knew it, it was almost midnight. After I’d been to the bathroom, I climbed into bed.
I started tossing and turning. It’d been like this ever since I’d returned from Spain. I think the first night was an anomaly. I must’ve been so mentally exhausted I knocked out. But since then, I found it so hard to sleep .
I missed Max beside me.
I missed snuggling up in his arms.
I missed laying my head on his chest.
I missed the way he’d kiss the top of my head and hold me until I fell asleep.
Before I could stop myself, I reached for my phone and clicked the playlist link.
Even though I’d been desperate to hear what songs he’d added for our last day together, I’d managed to resist listening to it.
I knew that if I liked it, it’d ruin me. But I couldn’t hold back any longer.
I started at the beginning where the songs were apologetic. With every song they became more emotional and heartfelt.
And when I reached the last set of songs, my heart melted.
He’d included ‘Say You Won’t Let Go’ by James Arthur, John Legend’s ‘All of Me’, ‘Teenage Dream’ from Katy Perry, ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ by Sinéad O’Connor, ‘The One That Got Away’ by Katy Perry and ‘I Will Always Love You’ by Whitney Houston.
Max liked me.
He really liked me.
At that moment I wanted to call him. Speak to him. See his face, tell him how I felt, but it was two in the morning. Waking him up wouldn’t be fair.
So instead I sent him a message.
Hey. How are you? Can we talk?
There. Done.
Now I just had to hope that he replied.
When I woke up on Saturday morning, I reached straight for my phone, hoping there’d be a reply.
There wasn’t.
I clicked on WhatsApp.
Max had read the message. Instantly, I panicked, thinking that he’d seen it but didn’t want to reply. But then I tried to tell myself that maybe he was just busy. For all I knew, it could be the middle of the night wherever he was. I just had to be patient.
But when he hadn’t replied hours later, I started to worry more. Maybe he wasn’t interested like I’d hoped. After all, it’d been a whole week since we’d left The Love Hotel and he hadn’t contacted me.
The slam of the front door snapped me out of my thoughts. Mum must’ve popped out.
I supposed I should get ready as we’d have to leave to catch the train then the Tube to Kew Gardens soon.
After showering and getting dressed, I went to the bathroom to do my make-up. Where the hell was my mascara? And my favourite lipstick? I went to Mum’s bedroom to see if she’d borrowed it. We never usually shared make-up, but I was sure I’d left it in here the other day.
‘You ready?’ Mum called out. I didn’t even hear her come back.
‘Yeah. Have you seen my mascara?’
‘Why?’
‘Can’t find it. Or my lipstick.’
‘Can’t you use another one?’
‘They’re my favourites!’
‘Come on. We’re going to miss the train!’
I quickly grabbed a lip gloss and my handbag then went downstairs.
Once we got to Victoria train station, we got the Tube which would take us directly to Kew Gardens. But when we pulled into the station, Mum didn’t move.
‘We’re here.’ I got up.
‘Sit down a moment,’ she said. ‘We’re taking a little detour. We’re getting off at the next stop instead.’
‘What? Why are we going to Richmond? I thought you wanted to visit Kew Gardens?’
Whilst my face was more creased than a pug’s forehead, Mum was as cool as a cucumber and didn’t say a word until the Tube pulled into Richmond station.
‘Follow me,’ she said.
I trailed behind her, wondering where we could be going. A few minutes later, I stopped in my tracks.
‘Oh my God!’ I gasped. ‘This is so cool! This is where they film Ted Lasso . It’s a TV show. I was watching it with Max…’ My voice trailed off.
Shamefully I’d checked my phone throughout our journey here and there was still no reply from him.
My stomach twisted. I hated that I missed him so much.
‘Really?’ Mum said. ‘Where did they film?’
‘Look – over there!’ I jumped up and down on the spot like I’d just been offered a giant slice of chocolate fudge cake. ‘It’s the pub! That’s where Ted, the main character, and all the football fans go in the show. I didn’t realise it was real!’
The name was different. This was called The Prince’s Head whereas in the programme it was called The Crown & Anchor.
‘That is very cool. Want me to take a photo of you in front of it?’
‘Yes!’ I replied.
As I stood in front of it and Mum snapped away, excitement flooded my veins. I couldn’t wait to tell Max that I’d been here .
Then I remembered. I might not ever speak to him again. My stomach sank.
‘We can go inside if you want?’
‘I don’t know.’ My shoulders slumped.
‘Come on.’ Mum ushered me in. ‘I need to use the loo.’
‘Okay.’ I followed Mum inside, dragging my feet, wondering if I should just send Max the photo anyway.
Mum stepped aside and when I looked straight ahead, I gasped.
No way.
It couldn’t be.
If Jason Sudeikis aka Ted Lasso himself was here, I would’ve been less shocked.
But it wasn’t an actor that had caused my jaw to crash to the floor.
It was the man I knew and loved.
Sitting at the bar was Max.
Flashing me that gorgeous smile that made my heart race and my knees weak.
I wouldn’t have to send photos or message him because he was right here.
And I didn’t think I’d ever been so happy to see anyone in my life.