Chapter Thirteen
El
It was so nice getting out of my house. Lately, every day within those walls felt like I was in the midst of a battlefield.
Outsiders probably believed that our family lived a fairytale. From our house that Matt typically referred to as a castle, to the picture-perfect family portraits that lined the walls, no one would’ve speculated that things had gone so wrong.
It was only a month prior that I’d awoken to my parents screaming at each other in the middle of the night. They didn’t fight often, so I knew whatever it was about must’ve been something big.
I hadn’t expected it to be so big.
At first, I figured maybe it was about my dad’s occasional gambling or Mom’s spending habits. An affair was the last thing I suspected.
To Lo and me, it was no secret that our mom hadn’t been happy for a while. I guess we just hadn’t realized how unhappy.
For years, all of Dad’s energy went into his business. He was gone eight hours a day for work, and when he was home, he spent most of the night on the couch, relaxing, not giving her the attention she needed or deserved.
I didn’t think he realized that he’d been neglecting her for so long.
Slowly, as the years passed, she’d lost her own light, and it showed.
She just didn’t shine the same way she did when we were kids.
I wasn’t sure if it had to do with our age, being old enough to where we didn’t need her as much.
Maybe she’d been grappling with regaining her purpose and self-confidence.
For years, since Lo and I were at school all day, and our father was at work all day, Mom spent most of each day alone, cleaning or cooking or entrapped in boredom.
It was all speculation on my part, of course. That was all I could do to make sense of what was happening around me. My brain was working so hard to come up with any sort of reasoning, trying to rationalize my mother’s actions.
But I didn’t have answers. All I was sure of was that I hated being in that house.
When another fight broke out earlier, Lo and I didn’t say a word before walking out. Freshly sixteen, she had just gotten her license, and Dad had bought her a brand-new Jeep, which we practically dove into.
“Did you text Matt?” Lo asked through a shaky breath.
I sighed. “Yeah. Can you pick Hadley up? We’re gonna go to Matt’s for a bit.”
“Yeah.”
I watched Lo’s hands as she drove, gripping the steering wheel so tightly in an attempt to stop them from shaking.
The sun was shining brightly, summer at its peak. It was a peculiar feeling that it was such a golden, beautiful day out, yet we were so somber. Our own worlds were currently so dark.
Since it was summer, we were out of school, which meant that most of the time, we were home.
It only made everything worse. I’d become far too acquainted with shouting and walking out of my room to see photo frames and items broken along the floor.
Sometimes, I’d clean them up. Other times, I wouldn’t have the energy to.
It was scary, and it was tragic, and it was not how I wanted to spend my summer.
When Lo pulled into Hadley’s driveway, she asked, “Does she know yet?”
“No.”
“Are you gonna tell her?”
I thought about it for a second, watching out the window as the grass glided sideways when a warm gust of wind flew by. “No,” I said.
Lo didn’t push, even though I could tell she wanted me to say something, to admit to someone what was going on in our house so that I had more support than just hers. But I couldn’t get myself to do it. I didn’t want Hadley to know. I didn’t want anyone to know.
The only one in my personal life that knew about this disaster was Matt.
When my dad had found out about my mother’s betrayal, he went straight to Gwen, Matt’s mom, for support. Somewhere along the line, the information trickled out, and Matt overheard every detail.
Ever since, Matt had been checking in on me almost every day. His house had been my refuge for the past month. His parents sympathized, allowing me to come over whenever I needed, and I appreciated it more than they knew.
They were my second family, my family that wasn’t currently falling apart, and I needed the stability right now.
Lo and I acted as normal as we could on the way to Matt’s to assure Hadley didn’t pick up on the solemn weight we were carrying on our shoulders.
Gavin, one of Matt’s best friends, waved as we pulled up to the small, one-story home that I’d come to love so much lately.
I could sense Hadley tensing up in anticipation as Lo drove off, heading to her boyfriend’s. Hadley had a crush on Gavin, and Matt kept trying to be his wingman, encouraging his friend to make a move.
Matt appeared from the backyard, offering a wave. He came right over to me, hugging me tightly. Little did our friends know what the hug was actually for.
“We were just about to head to the park,” Gavin said. “You guys wanna go?”
“Yeah,” Hadley nodded eagerly.
“Sure,” I said.
The two got to talking, walking ahead of Matt and me. Which was fine. I was still coming down from the abundance of cortisol that had been shooting through me from being in my own house.
Matt and I were like soldiers, stepping perfectly in sync beside each other.
“Are you okay?” Matt asked.
I shrugged. “I guess.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
I sighed. “Not really.”
“Okay,” he said. “We don’t have to talk about it then.”
“Thanks.”
The park consisted of an old playground right beside a baseball field. Sometimes, we’d play baseball or kickball in the field. Other times, we’d hangout on the playground and play games like woodchips or truth or dare.
Today consisted of none of the above.
Hadley and Gavin went to the swings, and even though there was one more swing open, Matt refused to leave me. He followed me up to the top landing of the playground, right beside the large slide.
This was the same spot Matt had his first kiss at. I wondered how many girls he’d kissed here since then.
Matt just sat with me, letting me soak in the sounds of birds chirping and our friends giggling from across the playground.
The sound was nice. Much nicer than the loud, chaotic mess that my own house had turned into.
I looked towards the sky as I rested my head against the metal bars behind me. I sighed a breath of relief.
Matt didn’t interrupt. He just let me have my moment, his brown eyes watching me closely like he was afraid I’d fall apart if he looked away.
Suddenly, I found myself talking. “They just keep fighting,” I said towards the sky. “It’s exhausting to listen to.”
“I’m sorry,” Matt expressed.
“I don’t know when it’s gonna stop.”
“I’m not sure. Do you think they’ll...”
He didn’t even have to finish the question. I knew what he was asking. Frankly, I didn’t have an answer.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. I’d heard the word “divorce” get thrown around like a football lately, coming from both of my parent’s mouths, but each time, it sounded more like empty threats than real actions.
I didn’t want to admit it aloud, but I knew all of this was going to affect me much longer than I wanted it to.
“Do any of your other friends know?”
I shook my head. “Just you.”
I wasn’t sure why I was so keen on keeping it that way, but I was.
Pulling my knees up to my chest, I buried my head between my knees, hugging my arms tightly around myself. The sun was beating down, but a new layer of warmth fell over my skin as Matt’s arms wrapped around me.
He held me for a few minutes. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. Him being there was enough.
Finally, he spoke. “Well, hey, it’s nice out. We can go swimming if you want. Maybe have a bonfire later.”
“Okay,” I sniffled.
Luckily, Hadley and I brought our bathing suits, knowing that Matt’s above-ground pool was up and running. After we left the park, we went swimming for a few hours, and it felt good to get my mind off of things.
By dinner time, Matt’s parents had already left for their dinner reservation. Usually, they wouldn’t allow Matt to have a bunch of friends over when they weren’t home, but given the circumstances, they made an exception.
They ordered us a pizza but insisted that we skipped a bonfire for the time being. Having a fire without adult supervision was one thing they did refuse.
With Jade being away at a friend’s house, it was just the four of us here, and we found ourselves sitting on the floor of Matt’s small bedroom, squeezed together with our knees touching.
“Alright,” Matt asked, “what game should we play?”
“I vote,” Gavin’s mischievous grin landed on Hadley, “spin the bottle.”
Pink swirled through Hadley’s cheeks, and she gave a noticeable gulp before nodding. “Yeah. Let’s play.”
“No, no, no,” Matt shook his head.
“Why not?” Gavin griped.
“Because,” Matt tapped along his knee.
Gavin’s eyes rolled. “Because why?”
I wasn’t sure where Matt was going with this. Did he just not want to play? Did he not want to kiss Hadley or me?
Matt glanced at me, his mouth thinning into a hard line. “Because... El hasn’t had her first kiss yet.”
A small knot formed in my stomach as Gavin gawked at me. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, I beat him to it.
“I’ve had my first kiss.”
Immediately, Matt’s features melted. He looked hurt. “You have?”
“Yeah,” I insisted.
“Wait,” Hadley’s brows came in, “with who?”
I blurted out the first person I thought of— the boy I dated for two months this past year. “Kamden Kolen.”
“What!” Hadley screeched, throwing her arms up. “You kissed Kamden?! And you didn’t tell me?!”
“Sorry,” I shrunk back, avoiding eye contact.
“Well good,” Gavin said. “We can play then.”
Matt hadn’t taken his eyes off me. That look of hurt and disappointment was still lingering, and I hated that I just lied to three of my friends, but my embarrassment prevailed.
Sighing beneath his breath, Matt muttered, “I’ll get a bottle.”
Reappearing with an empty beer bottle that he’d found in the kitchen, Matt placed it in the center of our circle.
“Who wants to go first?” he solemnly asked.
“I will!” Hadley squealed. The bottle spun around three times before coming to a slow stop in front of Gavin, who smirked like he’d just won the lottery. He leaned forward, and Hadley didn’t even have time to blush again before their lips touched.
I gulped at the sight. What have I gotten myself into?
Hadley sat back, fighting to hide her grin. She nudged me. “Your turn, El.”
“Okay,” my voice shook. Winding back the bottle, I let it go. Each spin made my stomach twist more and more, and I wished I had a time machine so I could take back my lie.
When the bottle began slowing down near Hadley, I figured it would stop on me, and I’d be bailed out of this fiasco. But to my despise, the bottle had other plans, pointing directly at Matt like an arrow.
He grinned while I shivered, overtaken by nerves. We each leaned forward, and at the last second, my eyes closed, feeling Matt’s lips touch mine. They were warm, eager, resting against me as if this was the only reason he agreed to play this game.
Matt didn’t pull away immediately. He let the kiss linger for a moment, our lips harmonizing before he sat back, leaving me with a strange swirl in my stomach.
I recognized the feeling. It was the feeling I got at five years old, when the shy boy I barely knew asked me to be his girlfriend.
Being a bit older now, I understood it for what it was— a surge of butterflies.
I wondered if the reaction would’ve happened for anyone who had been my first kiss, or if it was specific to Matt.
And I wanted to know if he felt it too.
In shock, I sat quietly, hoping nobody caught the gulp I gave. I certainly hadn’t been expecting this today.
My best friend was just my first kiss. And he didn’t even know it.