Chapter Forty-Three
El
Within days of the tournament ending, Matt had been on his way to Minneapolis to start his new journey with the Minnesota Wild.
I was excited for him, but selfishly, I wished he hadn’t had to go so soon.
Living down the street from him was one of the best experiences I could’ve asked for this past year, especially after three long years of being a few hundred miles apart. And now, an hour separated us.
It wasn’t too bad, definitely could’ve been worse. The first few weeks, I’d gone up to visit a few times while Matt was getting into the swing of things, but when finals hit, I was swamped.
Hours and hours of studying went in for hours and hours of exams. My phone had been on Do Not Disturb for days.
Matt, my hero, sent unsolicited Starbucks gift cards and flowers to my house throughout it, reminding me of how lucky I was.
Ever since his contract with the Wild went through, he hadn’t been shy about spoiling me.
It was endearing, but unnecessary. I had everything I needed already.
There wasn’t a single thing more that I could’ve asked for, but I was thankful nonetheless that he loved me enough to go to such great lengths to show it.
Usually, I dreaded being home, but Matt had two weeks off, so we figured now would be a good time to visit together.
The summer air was starting to settle in, a perfect seventy-five degrees. I was spending the morning out by the pool, thoroughly relaxing for what felt like the first time in my life.
Therapy had been doing wonders for me, allowing my mind to slow down. Beforehand, I couldn’t remember the last time I took time to unwind, and now, I was dedicating time every week to myself. I felt so much less anxious, my mental health entering a realm of newfound strength.
My white bathing suit had pink roses on it, and I was soaking in every ray of sunshine that this beautiful May day had to offer.
The garden, resting on the outskirts of the pool, was starting to bloom, sending the sweet scent of fresh flowers towards me with each short breeze.
It was so zen that I had even fallen asleep for a bit.
Once it felt like a sunburn had scorched into my skin, I decided to head inside.
After all this time of Matt encouraging me to reach out to Lo, I finally did it. She had just reached thirty-three weeks in her pregnancy, and even though we’d already thrown her a baby shower last month, I asked if she wanted to shop for some last-minute baby items. We had plans in a few hours.
Crossing through the kitchen, my mom was covered in flour. “Hey, honey!”
“Hi,” I said in passing, but stopped in my tracks when she spoke again.
“I’m making dessert for dinner tomorrow with the Gallagher’s. Do you want to help?”
A sigh threatened to escape, but I held back. “Sure, uh, what are you making?”
“Cupcakes!”
My favorite.
Ever since I was little, my mom made the best cupcakes, completely from scratch. Vanilla cake with butter cream frosting.
“Okay,” I said. “I’m just gonna change first.”
Throwing on leggings and a t-shirt in case I got messy, I headed downstairs and started working on the frosting while my mom got the batter together.
We conversed in small talk for the first few minutes before it grew quiet. Dad was off in his den, so only my mom and I were there to eat the silence.
I gulped, wondering if now was the time to have the conversation I’d been avoiding for almost a third of my life. My blood began pounding in my ears as I contemplated, internalizing.
I was trying to find the courage, grasping for it, begging the universe for it.
“Mom,” I sucked in a sharp breath, “can I ask you something?”
“Sure. What is it?”
We weren’t looking at each other, both engulfed in our individual tasks, and I preferred it that way. I hardly had the bravery to speak, let alone look her in the eye. Now that I’d started the conversation, I was tempted to stop it, to change the subject and pretend like I’d never said anything.
But I couldn’t run forever.
My voice shook, “Why’d you do it?”
Tipping vanilla extract into the mixing bowl, she asked, “Do what, honey?”
“You know.”
The vanilla extract met the countertop, and she froze, giving a shaky exhale before looking at me. I wasn’t sure what gave me the grit to peer at her.
I was looking in a mirror. The same, ghastly eyes stared back at me, same paled complexion, same panic-stricken features like the past trauma was bleeding into her skin.
It was too much.
She could read the pain all over my face. Suddenly, I was fourteen again, hiding in my room without any answers, alone with nothing but the worry about what would happen to our family.
Rubbing her forehead with the clean back of her hand, she squeezed her eyes shut like the sight of me was too much for her. “Honey, um... where’s this coming from?”
“I just,” I paused, offering a teeny shrug, “have been wondering... for a while.”
Eight years, to be exact.
Aside from my lungs being overworked and feeling like they were about to burst inside my chest, I was composing myself much better than I thought I would.
The affair left me with bullet holes, and whatever she was about to say would either patch them up or tear them open wider.
“Let’s sit down,” she suggested.
I watched her rinse her trembling hands before following me over to the couch.
Another moment of silence dominated the room until I broke it when a meager sob left my lips. “Why’d you do it, Mom?”
Her words came out slowly. She was treading carefully, trying to explain herself.
“I know there’s no excuse. But it was at a point in my life where I just wasn’t happy.
It had nothing to do with you or your sister.
My marriage just wasn’t where I wanted it, and I made a mistake.
I should’ve talked with your father. I should’ve worked things out with him instead of taking the route that I did, but.
..” she gave a one-shoulder shrug, “I didn’t. I wish I could change it, but I can’t.”
A single tear trickled down my cheek as I nodded lightly.
“I love your dad. So much. And things are perfect now.
I’ve apologized as much as I could to him, but...” This time, when she paused, she pushed a strand of hair out of my face, her eyes soft. “I’m realizing that I never apologized to you or your sister. Both of you deserved an apology too.”
My gaze fell to my lap. I didn’t know what to say. My brain was working in slow motion, taking its time to absorb all her words.
“I’m sorry, El,” Mom said. “I can’t say it enough. I know it’s a late apology, but I can see this has been hurting you for a while and I should’ve talked to you sooner about it.”
A few more tears managed to escape when I clutched my eyes shut. Two arms wrapped around me, and I buried my head into my mom’s shoulder, letting out a small wheeze against her.
She rocked me back and forth. “I’m so sorry, honey. I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” I got out.
For such a short conversation, such a quick moment, a part of me felt repaired. For years, I’d been carrying so much resentment and pain. Finally, some of it felt like it was breaking free, dissipating.
When I opened my eyes, still in my mother’s arms, the house looked different. The walls didn’t feel so tainted. It was a great step in healing, and I had hope that from here on out, I could get back to a place of wholeheartedly feeling comfortable around my family.
As we got back to baking, I was feeling a new sense of relief, proud that after all these years, I finally spoke my mind and expressed myself, rather than bottling it up.
My mom continued being gentle with me. We chatted about my plans with Matt and the new romcom my mom wanted to see. It was a wholesome moment for us.
By the time my mom had pristinely placed frosting on each and every cupcake, it was almost time for me to get picked up by Lo.
“Here, honey,” Mom said, handing over a cupcake on a small plate. “Can you take that down to your father?”
“Sure.”
“And can you grab Lo’s present while you’re down there? Your dad got her another gift.”
I smiled to myself, because of course, he did.
Lo was having a boy, and my dad couldn’t be more excited. He’d always wanted a boy but never got one. I wasn’t going to lie— I was really excited too. He was going to be the first boy in the family. Aside from Matt, of course.
I made my way down to the den, peering through the cracked door to see my dad in his recliner, TV on.
“Hey, Daddy,” I greeted him, causing him to spin around in the chair.
His eyes lit up. “Delicious! Thanks, sweetheart. Tell your mom I said thank you too.”
Normally, the comment would’ve made my stomach hurt, but this time, I grinned instead. “I’ll let her know. She asked me to grab Lo’s present?”
“Right over there,” he pointed. The gift bag was huge, overflowing with blue tissue paper. The baby wasn’t even born yet, and he was already the most spoiled one in the family. I grinned wider. “Have fun!” Dad said. “See you in a few hours. And can you ask your sister if she’s staying for dinner?”
“Sure, I can ask her, but I won’t be here for dinner,” I explained. “I’m getting dinner with Matt.”
He went silent for a moment before letting out a shallow breath through his nose. “Okay.”
“Is... is that okay?” I stumbled, feeling on edge for the first time since my mom and I sat on the couch. It had only been a few hours, but the last few hours had been so good on my heart.
“Mhm, yeah,” he mumbled, glancing back at the TV.
I straightened, blinking quietly at him. This was definitely not on my agenda today. The conversation with my mom hadn’t been on my agenda either. The only tough conversation that I’d been planning on having today was with Lo. The rest was coming out of left field.
“You’re making it seem like it’s not,” I suddenly blurted. “Dad, what do you have against Matt?”
“Honey, I d—”