Chapter 26
BLAIR
I wait a whole hour before I allow myself to cry.
And when I do, I weep shamefully into my half-made nest with Mervin and Marlin by my side, kneading into the blankets and purring.
It happened again.
Rowan’s car was wrecked, the windows smashed…
They had to crawl out of the car.
They could have died.
They could have—
The sobs turn to waves of nausea, and I hurry to the toilet, heaving up stomach acid until my throat burns.
Would their families blame me again, if the worst had happened?
Would I be invited to the funerals this time or kept in the dark?
More bile comes up.
I ignore the buzzing of my phone, too much of a coward to talk to anyone.
I still smell like the pack, too.
Travis’ smoke and fire, Rowan’s sea salt and storm, and Ryland’s moss and rain.
They almost—they could have—
I slump against the toilet, letting out a wrecked cry.
This was because of me.
They were coming to pick me up for a date.
If they hadn’t done that, if I hadn’t been in the picture, none of this would have happened.
Just like what happened two years ago.
“Mrow.”
Mervin interrupts my panic to press his cheek against my side, brushing past me with his body.
“Thanks, buddy,” I croak. I give him a gentle pet, and he closes his eyes in bliss.
The accident isn’t even the worst part.
They tried to hide it from me.
They didn’t want to tell me because they knew how bad my reaction would be.
I was a fool to think this would work between us.
What must they think of me now? I couldn’t even be a supportive girlfriend for them.
I couldn’t be a half-decent Omega for my scent matches.
Marlin trots in and slumps against my side until he’s lying on the cool bathroom tile with me. I curl into a ball, shame and embarrassment swallowing me whole.
I’m not ready for any of this, and those Alphas deserve better than me.
My inner Omega weeps in despair at the decision I’ve already made.
If the pack can’t even tell me when they’ve been injured, what other choice do I have.
The nausea returns, and I lean over the toilet, hurling up what’s left inside me.
The next day, I pack.
My suitcase is filled with the necessities—along with a couple of clothing items belonging to the Alphas that I can’t let go of.
Mervin and Marlin watch all of it from my bed, their ears twitching and tails swishing.
“You two are coming with me, too,” I tell them. “We’re going to visit Grandma.”
My mom loves any reason to see me and the cats, so I know I’ll be welcome even though I’m only giving her a short notice.
Piper understands that I won’t be back for a while—when she asked how long, I said at least two weeks.
The rescue will be fine without me. Maeve, Mari, and our new volunteers will hold down the fort easily. Piper’s packmates offered to help, too.
I just need a little time.
Time to heal from what I’m about to do.
I wasn’t brave enough to answer anyone’s texts or calls last night or this morning, but I owe it to Travis to at least speak to him in person.
The pack leader can relay the message to his packmates.
But I recognize the scent that wafts from my front door before I open it, derailing my plans.
Travis stands there, dark circles under his eyes with his hands in his pockets. He wears dark jeans and a short-sleeved black shirt, showing off the intricate tattoos on his arms. There’s a gash on his left cheek which I didn’t notice yesterday.
Because of me.
“How long have you been waiting outside?” I ask him, proud of myself for keeping my voice steady.
I spent all night agonizing over my decision, but now I know it’s the right thing to do.
Him standing outside waiting for me doesn’t mean a damn thing.
He shrugs. “Not too long.”
He’s lying.
I narrow my eyes in disbelief, but he lifts his chin. “Can I come in?”
“Yes,” I say automatically, even though the word no was almost formed on my lips.
I missed him.
I miss Ryland and Rowan as well.
“How are the injuries?” I ask, stepping out of his reach. It looks like her want to pull me into his arms, and despite my body screaming for his touch, I move away.
My body aches for him. It would be so easy to cross the space and bury my face in his chest, but I’m doing the right thing by holding myself back.
I don’t need to make this harder than it needs to be.
“We’re all okay,” Travis says. “Just a little sore.” His line of sight falls to the duffel bag on my couch and the suitcase on the floor. “Are you going somewhere?”
His voice is dangerously low.
“I’m going to my parent’s house for a bit.”
He stares at me, his dark eye suspicious. “For how long?”
I shrug and take a step back. “I’m not sure.”
His scent doesn’t escape me. That perfect, delicious smoke and wood won’t stop invading my senses.
“Where does she live?” he asks quietly.
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. I just…” I chew my lip as my stomach twists. “I just need to go.”
There’s a moment of silence, and I force myself to keep eye contact with Travis, though it’s the most painful thing I’ve had to do in a long time.
“Are you coming back?”
Despite how patient he sounds, there’s a fire in his eyes.
I nod. “I won’t leave the rescue,” I admit, and a flicker of pain crosses his face.
The rescue.
Not him.
I’m more than capable of leaving him and his pack.
He tries to step closer to me, but I move back, my heart aching.
“You don’t have to go.”
It’s not a plea, but it sounds like it pained him to speak the words.
I shake my head. “Travis—”
“What happened yesterday wasn’t your fault,” he breathes. “You have to know that. It was the slippery roads and a squirrel. A fucking squirrel. It had nothing to do with you.”
“Travis, don’t—”
“And what happened those years ago, to them? It wasn’t your fault then, either.”
The ice in my veins returns.
“Yes, it was.” My voice is monotone.
“It wasn’t. Sweetheart, it—”
“It was. It was. Don’t try to downplay what I did,” I hiss.
“I could have told them to stay here!” I gesture to my living room.
“They could have slept on the couch, but I sent them away! Every fucking day I regret it. Every day I think about what I could have done different, what I could have said to change everything!”
“I don’t know who put that bullshit in your head,” Travis snarls, “but it’s not true. Whoever told you that, whoever made you feel that way, they’re wrong.”
I shake my head and chuckle bitterly. “No. You’re wrong. Everyone I care about gets taken away from me, sooner or later. That’s how this works. And yesterday proved that.”
I’ve never admitted the words out loud before.
But secretly, I worry about the people closest to me since the car crash.
I worry that one day something will happen to Piper or Maeve, and that somehow, I will be the cause.
I worry and worry until there’s nothing left but a wall of stone around me.
I stopped trusting easily.
I stopped opening up.
And the moment I start to think I can be happy, that maybe life isn’t so bad, something terrible happens.
Travis isn’t hearing it. “That’s not how life works. Do you think you’re somehow responsible for everyone else’s actions? You’re not. What happened yesterday and what happened two years ago wasn’t your fault.”
Yes, it was.
“Stop,” I whisper. “Just stop.”
“Aaron, Cody, and Justin aren’t gone because of you. They died because the weather was shit.”
“Stop!” How he knows their names, I don’t know. I can barely speak them out loud anymore, but to hear it come from Travis?
But my yelling doesn’t deter him. “You think you’re the only one that’s had to deal with loss?” he snarls. “You’re not. I know what it’s like to blame yourself. And you would know that, if you would just fucking talk to me.”
My guilt is heavy and awful, but I don’t back down from Travis.
“Really? Talk to you? Just like you didn’t want to tell me you were in an accident because you knew it would upset me? This is just proving my point! I’m not good for you!”
“You’re my scent match! You were made for me!” he roars. “We were made for each other!”
There are thumps that sound from my bedroom, and I narrow my eyes.
“You scared the cats,” I huff.
He stares at me, his chest heaving. “Whatever you think you’re doing here,” he says, motioning to my suitcase. “Shutting us out won’t help. So don’t.” His voice cracks.
“You don’t know me as well as you think,” I say, grimacing. “I’m not good for the three of you.”
“That’s a goddamn lie. You’re the best person we know. The smartest, wittiest, bravest person on this planet.”
I snort at his words.
What a joke. Brave? I’m a coward, trying to convince myself that I don’t love the Alpha in front of me.
His scent swirls around me, smokey and heavy.
It’s the scent of his despair.
His eyes, dark and expressive, plead with me.
This scary, hulking man of an Alpha is shattering in front of me, and I can’t stand the sight any longer.
“We haven’t even been dating for a month, Travis. It’s not working out.” I swallow and keep my chin held high, even as part of me shatters inside.
He stares at me, his jaw clenching. “That’s a lie you’re telling yourself,” he says through gritted teeth. “All a lie, so you can feel better about giving up.”
Everything inside me screams to run into his arms and stop this.
But rejecting him and his packmates is the best thing to do in the long run for them.
“I can’t even drive properly,” I mutter in defeat. “I can’t even start a car without reminding myself of what happened.”
Travis remains silent, his eyes locked on mine.
“I’m not good for you,” I try. “And it’s better to end this.”
Travis flinches, and my legs threaten to give out.
This is for the best.
No, it’s not! My inner Omega screams. This isn’t right!
Travis shakes his head but remains silent.
“You don’t have to understand it,” I add, my heart breaking. “But it’s better if we’re not together.”
My inner Omega sobs.
Travis shakes his head again and closes his eyes, pained. “If…that’s what you want,” he grits out.
It’s not what I want. Of course, I don’t want this.
But I can’t even drive a fucking car without being reminded of what happened or what I’m responsible for.
Maybe it’s not true, my inner Omega whispers. Maybe he’s right. Maybe it’s not our fault.
I ignore her words.
“Leave, Travis,” I mutter, my chest aching, and he opens his eyes.
What I see there devastates me.
My gentle giant, my teddy bear, is hurting.
His scent is nothing but charcoal and ashes.
With a curt nod, he turns and exits my apartment, taking my heart with him.
I try to tell myself it’s for the best, that the loss was inevitable one way or another.
But my stomach sours, and I end up hunched over my toilet again, heaving out whatever is left of me.