Chapter 30 #2
“I would have been honored, Travis. Truly. They’re stunning.”
“You should have seen my mother’s. They were amazing.”
My ears perk up. Travis has mentioned his father before, alluding that he had passed away, but never his mother.
“You said she taught you how to sew,” I say.
The kitten has fallen asleep in his hands, gently pressed against his chest. “Yes.” He strokes the kitten’s head gently, observing its sleeping face. “She did. She would have liked you, a lot.”
My stomach sinks. Travis has lost both parents, then.
“This is the first time you’ve talked about her,” I say softly.
He remains silent for a long time, so I continue to entertain the kittens and enjoy his quiet presence.
“You’re not alone in your guilt, Blair,” he says softly. “I know what it’s like…to feel responsible.”
I swivel my chair to face him, frowning. “What do you mean?”
His dark eyes are warm as they meet mine. “I lost my father five years ago,” he says slowly. “He had a stroke.”
My face falls. “I’m so sorry.”
He nods. “I lived a few hours away from my parents, so after he died, I started visiting my mother more. I thought if I kept spending time with her, she would be able to move on.” He shakes his head. “But she didn’t.”
I swallow and wait for him to continue.
“She died in her sleep,” he murmurs, his gaze for away. “Her heart suddenly stopped. I found her the next day.”
“Travis,” I whisper.
“And that’s the thing,” he says. “I told myself for years that if I had spent more time with her, or if I had been there that night, things would have been different. I thought I should have been able to pull her out of her grief. Her own son should have been able to save her.”
I shake my head. “You can’t possibly believe that,” I say.
“I did for a long time, Blair. A long time. It had to have been my fault. If I had done something different, if I had been there more, maybe she wouldn’t have died of a broken heart.”
Tears fill my eyes. “That’s a horrible way to think.”
He nods, giving me a knowing look. “The guilt doesn’t leave completely. Sometimes it’s still there, but I realize that it’s just misplaced grief.”
“I had no idea,” I say. “I’m so, so sorry, Travis.”
“You’re not alone with those thoughts,” he says lowly. “You’re not alone with carrying that weight on your shoulders, even though it’s not your burden.”
Travis had told me I wasn’t alone before, but now, I see what he truly meant.
“Do Ryland and Rowan know?” I ask, and he nods.
“They’ve known for a while. They wanted me to tell you, to see if it would help you feel understood. But I didn’t want to drag you too deep into my own problems when you were still facing yours.”
“I would have listened,” I insist. “I would have understood.”
And I would have told him that what happened to his mother wasn’t his fault, while still taking responsibility for what happened to my ex-pack.
“Sewing was how I bonded with her,” Travis continues. “So, when you came along and you mentioned your rescue, I realized there was a way for me to honor her memory while still supporting you.”
Tears slide down my cheeks, and I cuddle the kneading kitten tighter. “Thank you,” I manage to choke out.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry this early in the morning,” he chuckles, but his own eyes are glassy, too. “Especially not after we finally have you back.”
I laugh weakly. “You never lost me,” I admit. “I was just a coward that couldn’t cope.”
“Not a coward,” he says. “You came back. That’s what matters.”
I owe him and his packmates a million apologies, and even then, it won’t be enough.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
He shakes his head. “Next time you shut down, let us pull you out of it.”
The thought is terrifying.
The wall I’ve built inside of myself is there for a reason. It protects me from the darkest parts of my heart, when guilt, shame, and sorrow threaten to overwhelm me.
But for Travis, Ryland, and Rowan, I’ll try to let them in.
“Hey, how’s kitten therapy going?” Piper enters the room, Alvin trailing behind her. “Also, what time did you leave this morning, Blair? You seriously left your parent’s house before sunrise?”
I yawn. “I wanted to come back home. I dropped off Merv and Mar, then wanted to check on the rescue.”
Piper’s eyes widen. “There’s no way you got enough sleep.”
I yawn again. “I’m fine.”
“Blair Bear, your emotional regulation system must be fried right now.”
“Piper, I don’t know what the hell that means.”
“It’s therapy talk. Basically, after this morning and everything from the last week, you should go home and rest.”
Travis nods in agreement, and I frown at him.
“So, everyone knows therapy talk except for me?”
“I’m long overdue for therapy,” Travis says. “I’ll go if you go.”
I’m overdue for it, too. I’ve tried the self-help books of dealing with grief.
I’ve done the meditations, the affirmations, and self-soothing techniques.
I think it’s time for something more.
“I’ll think it about it,” I murmur. “But right now, I want to be piled under some blankets and take a giant nap.”
“That’s something I can make happen,” Travis says, his lip quirking. “Your room at the packhouse is waiting for you.”
“I love naps,” Piper sighs wistfully. “Blair, get out of here and go take a nap with your Alphas.”
A nap sounds incredible right now.
Despite the emotional whiplash, my flu symptoms have dissipated by being near Travis.
I’m sure surrounding myself with Ryland and Rowan’s scents will make me feel even better.
“Only if I can bring Mervin and Marlin,” I tell Travis.
“Of course. They’re always welcome,” he says gently. “They’ve had a permanent spot in the packhouse since you have.”
“Aww,” Piper says, while I blush.
“Then let’s do it,” I say. “Can you follow me to my apartment and we’ll pick them up?”
“Absolutely. You can stay with us as long as you want,” Travis replies. “Hell, stay with us forever.”
My face continues to burn at his words.
The kindness and patience Travis offers me makes my heart ache.
He saw me at my worst. He watched me shut him out and abandon him, yet he’s welcoming me back like nothing ever happened.
“Don’t get stuck in your head,” he warns me, plucking the kitten off him and handing it to Piper. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, no matter how many times you try to push me away.”
My lip trembles. “I’m sorry,” I repeat, ashamed.
“Just have a nap with me and my pack, Blair. That’ll make up for it.”
The offer is too enticing to argue with him.
I’m going to be reunited with all three of my scent matches, and I’ll finally be able to rest peacefully.
Kitten therapy is one thing.
But to be spooned between three Alphas, sleeping between their vibrating chests in a nest?
I’m not sure any kitten can compete with that.
If we add Mervin and Marlin to the mix, it’s even better.
“Okay,” I say to Travis. “If you insist.”
When he smiles, his eyes crinkle at the corners.
My inner Omega smiles right back at him.