Chapter 38 #2
He’s been looking at me like that ever since Tiffy and I left Erin’s house, where he’d waited in the car so Erin wouldn’t freak out about him being there.
Maybe he’d seen the whole messy picture in that moment.
Me as an addict.
Me battling demons just like he is. And above all, the trouble waiting when two people in recovery start catching feelings. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, it’s the whole ocean around us.
I’ve denied a lot of things over the last couple of weeks and it’s catching up with me. I think it’s time to tell him how I ended up here.
“What did Tiffy tell you?”
“She said you were staying with Erin to avoid a relapse. That you’d stayed at Arcadia before.”
“Yeah, something like that.” I take another sip of tea to cover up how uncomfortable I feel.
“Something like that?”
“Completely like that.”
“You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to. I just want you to know that I’m here to listen.”
God, I hate this part. This is the moment I either let him in or keep him out.
The sunset catches in his eyes, and that’s enough.
“I got hooked after Afghanistan,” I start. “The explosion happened when I was on my way to a new medical post.”
I pause because I’m not sure how to continue. Tom’s hand moves over my shoulder, his lips kissing my temple. He holds me as I press myself deeper into his chest.
“They flew me to a military hospital in Germany. Some… didn’t make it.”
I close my eyes, holding my breath to keep myself from breaking. I can’t relive that moment the way I did last Monday.
It’s best to focus on the aftermath.
“During recovery, they prescribed me oxy and benzos. I told my doctor I needed them for the pain in my shoulder. That was a lie. My shoulder was already fine by then.”
I wipe my eyes, staring at the first stars of the evening as I search for the right words.
“From the first pill I knew I wanted to stay numb. Everything became about escaping the fight in my head. When the pills wore off, the pain came back three times worse. Later, I tried to pull myself together and took a job at a hospital in Portland. I didn’t even make it to the OR.
I couldn’t stay clean and had a major panic attack. ”
I feel Tom exhale. He’s been holding that breath for a long time.
“That made me feel like a complete failure. I fell deeper into addiction, took whatever I could get my hands on. Benzos. Z-drugs. Oxy. Morphine. I ended up homeless, didn’t want to live anymore.
One day I stood on a bridge, ready to let go. Police pulled me back. After that, Arcadia.”
I cut myself short and I realize I’ve already said more than I intended to.
No mention of Paul.
No mention of how he saved my life.
No mention of how losing him made me need that numbness.
No mention of wanting to die hoping I could be with him on the other side.
I don’t dare look at Tom. I’m not sure I have the energy anyway.
I hear him swallow, then he takes the tea out of my hands and sets it on the side table.
“Lie down with me,” he whispers.
A bit of shifting, and we settle into a perfect spoon.
He strokes my hair aside, pushes closer, our fingers lacing together and his hand resting over mine against my chest.
A tear spills down my cheek as I remember my lowest. Poisoning my body. Dying inside. Bleeding with pain. And all I wanted was to be held like this.
“You know,” he murmurs. “My crystal wizard therapist is the smartest, kindest, most handsome man in the world.” His fingers trail over my arm, touch-starved and needy as always. “Please don’t get jealous.”
I grin through watery eyes, waiting for the next ridiculous thing he’ll say.
“He would call that incredibly brave. Thank you for telling me. I know that wasn’t easy.”
He can’t see it, but I’m smiling. He doesn’t know the whole story—and he knows that—but he’d trying to make me feel better. That alone softens the raw edges inside me.
“That means a lot to me, Sapphire.”
The hammock creaks with every sway. His lips find the fresh wounds on my neck, the old scars too. He kisses them like he knows how much I need it.
“I think it was the day we went surfing. I really wanted to impress you when I took that big wave.”
“I know that.”
“Perhaps it was when I saw that fire in your eyes, the night you fought Terrence for putting me in isolation.”
My eyes flutter open and I turn my face to him.
“Or maybe it was the day we met, Yosh. When you so obviously called your own pager just to get the fuck out. I remember thinking, that’s my kind of person.”
A nervous laugh escapes me. “What are you trying to tell me, Sapphire?”
“Remember that first time, when I was testing you?”
“Uhm, you mean when you acted like a spoiled brat? I should’ve bent you over my knee and spank you with my gua sha right then.”
His cock pulses involuntarily against my lower back.
I brace for something clever and vaguely obscene from that brilliant brain of his, but nothing comes. He takes a deep breath before swallowing whatever he was about to say.
“What is it? Are you okay? Is something wrong?”
“No. No, nothing’s wrong. I just… God. I’ve never done this before. I’m so fucking this up.”
I try to turn to get his eyes on mine, but the hammock doesn’t like the sudden movement.
It lurches, and we fall out together, hitting the ground with a dull thud.
The fall hits different this time. I’m on top of him now.
There’s no panic, no screaming in my head, no flashbacks, or the feeling that I’m about to dissociate. It’s just us and the crickets chirping in the distance.
“Fucking hell, are you okay?” Tom rubs his elbow.
I hook my arms around his neck like a clingy koala.
“More than okay,” It’s obvious what I’m after.
His eyes scan me, and when he realizes I’m still in one piece, I feel the tension disappear from his body. That’s when his warm lips meet mine.
He licks over the raw cracks in my lips, I part to let him in.
We kiss slow and deep, his tongue curling around mine in a sensual chase.
He tastes like tangerine tea and the salty wind coming from the ocean. It’s ridiculous how addictive this mix of flavors is.
He takes his time kissing me. I can feel how much he loves it, in the way he presses our aching bodies together like there’s no other way.
A sharp sting goes through me when his teeth snatch my bottom lip for a quick bite. Then his tongue soothes over it, caring.
I pull him closer, sucking his tongue back into my mouth. He lets out a needy groan, my cock twitching at every sound that follows.
The hammock still swings above us, creaking like a Sunday morning fuck on an iron bedframe.
I feel his palm flat on my stomach, fingers gliding beneath the hem of my shirt to trace every ridge.
I’m hypersensitive there. He knows that by now, and he does it slow. Touching my skin, provoking little inevitable reactions out of me. He likes to watch me squirm.
And I offer what he wants. My whole body presses into him. I don’t bother hiding my arousal. I want him to see what he does to me, how hard I get for him.
As I’m about to move in again, he stops me with a finger against my lips.
“Please, I just…” His amber lashes drop. I’ve never seen him like this. All helpless and stripped of his swagger.
“Look. What I’m trying to say…” He takes my hands “That night on the beach, after the crash, something in me just fucking clicked. Everything inside me decided you were mine to keep safe. So when morning came, I did what I had to do. Even if it meant taking a couple of hits and getting arrested. I didn’t care what happened to me.
I can take it, Yosh. All of it. I always have. ”
A deep inhale.
“I’m in love with you, Yosh.” His eyes close. Vulnerable. A little scared.
My gaze flicks away, breath knocked loose.
I’m getting thorned between instinct and recognition. Between the urge to protect myself and the certainty that this has already rearranged something permanent inside me.
It’s terrifying how plain it sounds, and how warm and true it feels. The sky above us is still holding on to its orange as I hear it again, the clear sound of his voice saying the words.
Tom McKenna is in love with me. The one thing I wanted most, but never let myself hope for.
Now he’s sitting here with my hands in his, looking at me like I’m worth the risk.
Like I’m safe with him.
Is this really happening? Is he choosing me? All of me?
His face scrunches. “Right. This is getting painfull…"
“I…” I stutter, I don’t even know how to get the words out.
Wait. I don’t need words.
I grab his shirt and pull him back to my lips, kissing him with everything jammed in my throat. The love, the fear, the wanting, until we’re both breathless and shaking.
Our foreheads touch and I realize this is new for me too. To be his. Completely.
“I want to be your everything.” I whisper it against his mouth, thumb dragging slowly over his parted lips.
“You are. You’re more than that. God, you’re fucking beautiful, Yosh. I just want to hold you. Love you. Have sex with you, endlessly.”
My mind is about to explode. I grab his wrist, pulling him to his feet.
My hands are everywhere—his waist, his back, twisted in his shirt as I haul him through the door.
He gets it, coming straight at me like he’s ready to fight.
We collide, and I drive him back against the wall. I don’t even care how we’re supposed to make it to the bedroom. Right here is fine too.
“Is this what you’re into, huh? You like it a little rough?” he asks.
I hook my fingers through his, pinning his arm against the concrete. My hard, aching cock presses into his stomach as I hold him in place.
A laugh as evil as the demon of greed echoes through my kitchen. He pushes me off with blunt force. For a second, I think he’s about to go full attack. But then he steps forward and drops to his knees.
Next thing I know, my pants are at my ankles.
God, this guy... This is exactly why I do bad boys.
He gives me this look of pure innocence as he drags his cheek along my length, never breaking eye contact. Then he parts his lips and I watch my cock disappear into his mouth.
My eyes fly up to the ceiling, a moan tearing out of me as his filthy mouth sucks me off with no restraint.
He’s blowing me like he wants to make one thing clear: this is what happens when you throw Tom McKenna against a wall. Not only do you lose the battle, you go down with your own ship.
My fingers claw his hair because I need something to hold.
Every time I want to catch my breath, he sucks tighter, deeper. The hungry sounds around my cock rip right through me.
He doesn’t pause. Not even for a second. My breath is all over the place. I’m rambling his name over and over again, begging him to stop and to not stop within the same sentence.
My vision blurs. I’m so fucking close I could break apart.
One more lick over my sensitive tip, one more filthy, perfect drag of his tight mouth. This is it. I’m done.
I come, loud and trembling. He catches me when my muscles give out. His mouth keeps working me, slow and deep, tongue teasing me through the aftershocks before picking up the pace again.
Pleasure tips into discomfort. This is too much.
“Fuck—Tom, stop—”
He looks up at me with dark eyes full of no good. Every flick of his tongue leaves me gasping for air. I grab his shoulders, laughing and cursing at the same time.
He finally lets me go. His mouth curls into a wicked grin as he wipes his lips with the back of his hand.
I stumble to the wall, bracing myself to catch my breath.
One look over my shoulder tells me he’s already planning round two.
He pushes himself up from the kitchen floor, nudging a half-empty paint can aside as he walks over. His arms slide around my waist from behind, all tender and sweetness while I’m still trying to reconnect my brain.
“Love, I need you to listen to me, alright?”
He says it like he’s about to drop something completely unhinged. I nod and let it happen.
“I’ve been a very well-behaved pup. This is the longest period I’ve ever been patient. Right now, I need to slam my cock inside your perfect peachy ass for a variety of obvious reasons. Do you understand?”
He spits the words out all clinical and demanding, like he’s trying to remind me he’s the one in charge.
I don’t bother answering. I just turn and scoop him off the floor, slinging him over my shoulder like a hunted deer.
He throws a little fit along the way, kicking his legs and calling me all kinds of things in Scots, but I’m already halfway to the bedroom, grinning like an idiot.
I dump him onto the bed. He bounces once, then glares at me, pretending to be very furious.
I strip down fast and crawl beside him, the perfectly made sheets ruined already. I take off my underwear and throw it in his face.
“Go ahead,” I say, all confident. “Show me what you bring to the table.”
The sinful twinkle in his eyes tells me his mind is running wild, probably sorting through all the possibilities like being in a candy store, not sure what to try first.
It’s honestly adorable. Tom is pure bottom energy, even when he’s pretending otherwise.
The more he plays at being in charge, the more transparent it becomes.
I’m just waiting for the day he understands what he actually wants.
To be pinned down. To be met with something stronger than his own defiance.
To be seen through all that attitude, and given exactly what he’s been asking for without knowing how to say it.
But surrender means trust. And after what Emily put him through, I don’t think he’s ever gotten that part back.
So I’ll give him time and space. He’ll get there. And when he does, he’ll know he’s safe with me.