Chapter 48 #3
Tom could’ve warned me about this, but since we arrived, it’s become pretty clear he threw me in blind. And no one else seems particularly eager to explain how things work either. Maybe it’s a surprise to them too—but I doubt that in a place like this.
I steal a subtle glance at Tom. His head’s bowed like the rest, his knee brushing mine. With that, he tells me this isn’t normal. At least, I hope that’s what he means.
Jay takes his seat at the head of the table, Effy on one side, Janice on the other. That’s the signal. Heads rise, one by one, until every gaze is eye-level again. No one speaks.
And that’s when I notice two things.
First, I’ve never seen so many redheads at one table in my life.
Second, Christmas in this house isn’t festive. It’s eerie. Why do all the guys in my life drag me into insane situations?
Oh right. I like situations.
Finn is watching me from across the table. With our heads still bowed, he throws me a kiss.
Tom notices and kicks his nephew under the table. Finn flinches, and Jay catches it, shooting Finn a warning look.
I watch Effy, curious how she’ll react. I need to know. She lifts her head slightly, meeting Finn’s eyes. He fumbles, then turns back to us. I swear, if looks could kill; we’d be ashes.
I let Finn go and turn my focus to Jay, who clears his throat and stands.
“Blessed is the wolf who follows his pack.”
“Blessed is the wolf…” they chorus.
Every muscle in my shoulders tenses, and I do my best not to look as freaked out as they make me feel.
“Blessed is the wolf who watches in the night, who never sleeps, never strays. He who is strong as the storm and protects the pack.”
“Blessed is the wolf…”
“Blessed is the wolf who honors the rules of the pack. Who gives, but never takes. Who bares his teeth to tear apart those who are a threat.”
“Blessed is the wolf…”
Jay pauses. The room is deathly silent. His eyes slowly scan the table, lingering on me a little too long now.
“But damned is the wolf who turns his back on the pack. He who wanders, who betrays his family. He will end up alone while the cold splits his bones and hunger devours his heart.”
Everyone mumbles now, their voices filled with fear.
“Damned is the wolf…”
“Damned is the wolf who chooses himself, who breaks what has been built. For him, there is no warm fire, no home, no name left in the memory of his pack.”
Jay fixes his eyes on Tom now. “He will howl at the moon, but no one will answer.”
The silence that follows suffocates me, my heart pounding in my throat.
Everyone keeps their eyes down.
I don’t.
I refuse to bow to this cultish shit.
Next to me, I feel Tom’s knee against my leg, pushing desperately.
He’s trying to pull me along, but I hold my leg like iron. I have to.
I think back to our first session, when we talked about Jay. That look he had in his eyes; Tom had been terrified. I didn’t understand it then, couldn’t even picture it. Now I can. The fear is real.
“Damned be that wolf,” Jay concludes.
“Damned be that wolf.”
Effy hands Jay a note, whispering something in his ear. She’s standing beside him now.
“Quiet, quiet, everyone!” The room obeys.
“The numbers are in. This year, the McKenna Foundation provided 25 thousand families with a full three-course Christmas dinner, and 1300 schools and communities in need with music lessons and new instruments. I want to thank everyone in this family for their contribution. We made this possible together. That’s why we share this traditional Christmas dinner each year, so we can give our resources to others in need. Blessed is the wolf!”
Applause erupts.“Blessed is the wolf, blessed is the wolf, blessed is the wolf!”
And that’s the signal to start raiding the pots on the table.
“Don’t be shy,” Tom says, elbowing Calvin to grab the ladle from his hands. Luckily, he scoops a few generous portions of potatoes into my bowl before serving himself.
I’m still devastated by everything I’ve just heard and witnessed, and I don’t know if I can even stomach a bite. Chaos reigns again, and I’m feeling increasingly disconnected from everything and everyone.
They laugh, talk, and eat contentedly from their mismatched, broken plates with their equally mismatched cutlery. They all look so happy spending time together. It reminds them of where they came from, of the journey they’d had to take to end up here, in this big lodge on this huge estate.
It reminds me of where I come from; a family that had everything, but cared for no one. Not for me, anyway. And these people, they had nothing, but they’d had each other. They still have each other, and they always will. That’s all I ever longed for.
But why is this so messed up? Their values and intentions are everything I respect, but at the same time, it’s a hostile environment for someone who chooses differently and wants to leave.
“Are you okay?” Tom asks.
I nod. I’m okay. For now. Tonight, in silence, I’ll have to process all of this in my head.
“This is new, but I’m fine.” And as I manage a cautious smile, I notice six eyes on us from across the table. Something’s simmering beneath the surface; I can feel it.
They’re talking about me, that much is clear.
“What’s he even doing here?” Finn’s the one who speaks up.
All eyes are discreetly on me, as if they’re all thinking the same thing but only Finn’s drunk enough to say it out loud.
Tom stiffens, his hand tightening around the spoon.
“Finn.”
Finn ignores him. He plants an elbow on the table, nearly knocking over Joan’s glass in the process.
“No, seriously. We’re all here for Christmas, family tradition, you know? And then he…” Finn waves a hand in my direction “Suddenly shows up without explanation. Is he here to see if we’re fit for the asylum? I’m speaking for everyone when I say he’s clearly looking down on us.
I know my boyfriend by now, so I reach under the table to stop him from whatever the hell he’s about to do. We need to fix this calmly.
Cheryl sighs, setting her glass down. “Jesus, Finn, knock it off. We’re having Christmas dinner.”
Jay looks entertained. I bet he’s been waiting all afternoon for someone to speak up. And sure, from their perspective, it makes sense. It’s just that Finn’s got different motives.
Finn opens his mouth. Tom is faster.
“Cut the bullshit, Finn. You’re throwing a tantrum because I told you in Amsterdam to stay the fuck away from Yosh.”
By now, everyone has dropped their forks. Joan can’t suppress a small squeal.
“Yosh is off-limits because he’s mine. He’s my boyfriend, that’s why he’s here.”
I hold my breath. Fuck.
A few people blink, their jaws dropping. Joan clasps her hand around Effy’s arm in shock.
After SeaBreeze and everything that’s happened, I’m surprised she didn’t know, or even suspect something.
Everyone’s trying to read each other's reactions, and then, almost simultaneously, everyone bursts out laughing.
Eli laughs from across the table. “Nice try, Tom. The gossip channels call you the pussy licker of Amsterdam for a reason. He's not that reason.”
For my sanity, I’m pretending that didn’t happen. Tom can explain that one later. For now, I just hope this is not going to escalate.
Tom stays calm. He finds my hand under the table, lacing his fingers through mine. We meet each other’s eyes, and that smile of his makes everything right. I can’t help but mirror him when he places our joined hands on the table.
Finn narrows his eyes, slowly realizing this is real. Cheryl looks horrified. Janice is watching Jay, waiting for his reaction. Eli shakes his head with a scoff.
Calvin just shrugs. He’s known for weeks, ever since he caught me bent over his kitchen island with my pants around my ankles.
As for the younger ones, Luca and Alex exchange a fist bump as they suddenly realize there's a majority of queer men in this room. Then my eyes find Joan, who has her face buried in her hands. I think I hear a quiet sob before she stands and runs out of the dining room. Effy sighs, telling Jay she’s going to calm her sister.
Tom doesn’t react to any of them. He lifts his glass, raising it in a salute. Then pokes at his cucumber salad as if nothing happened.
He’s not waiting for anyone’s approval, and he’s not going after his bestie Joan either.
The longer I stay in the den, the more I understand why. This is him putting concrete under his words in a house where a small storm can blow everything apart. One sign of weakness, and they’d have him exactly where they want.
I’m proud of him for that. But underneath, I feel sadness. I wanted him to have a more supportive coming out. Then again, I don’t think the coming out part is the problem with this family.
It’s me. I’m the problem.
I pick up my fork and start eating too. We’re the only ones, our hands locked under the table.
Whatever the world throws at us, I’m not letting go of him.
The real challenge is keeping my eyes off Jay. I know better than to give him that satisfaction, so I try to do it discreetly and fast, from the corner of my eye.
Oh, he doesn’t look pleased. He’s staring at me like I’m Public Enemy No.1.
I look back at Tom. He’s beaming, barely holding his expression in check.
We’re solid. They won't break us.
Jay knows. I can feel his rage building with every second. He knows his control over Tom is slipping while mine is taking its place.
Now I do look at him, only one message passing between us.
Tom is mine.
Tom is mine.
Tom is fucking mine.
Jay breaks, slamming his hand on the dinner table.
Everyone jumps, cutlery clattering, my smile satisfied.
In the middle of the shock and confusion, I take a casual sip of my water.
Jay coughs. “Well, that’s settled then. Everyone, get back to eating.”
Everyone does without another word.