Chapter 49
Chapter forty-nine
Tom
I’m glad to be back at the West House. Dinner was a total fucking disaster.
Finn, that miserable piece of…
He’s supposed to be in my corner. He, Joan, and I used to be the golden trifecta. We were everything and it was always us against authority. Nothing could tear us apart. Now the wanker has stabbed me in the back, and Joan ran off crying.
Cheryl looked at me like I was one big disappointment. And to top it off, Jay looked at Yosh like he wanted to skin him alive.
I’ve seen that look before, usually in the mirror when I hated myself enough to do it to myself.
Maybe I’m closer to that place than I thought.
Yosh runs his fingers through my hair, calming me. His thumb strokes small circles behind my ear, which feels good. It makes me forget the misery for a second.
I tighten the drawstrings of my hoodie, fold my arms, burying what’s bare of my face against his stomach. His lap makes the perfect pillow.
“Talk to me, Sapph, I’m here.”
“It was ugly. I made it uglier.”
“You told the truth.”
He can’t see, but I scrunch my face. “Joan cried.”
“She’ll be okay,” His hand keeps moving over my back. “I’m proud of you.”
“For what? Causing a scene at Christmas?”
“For not letting them script you. For choosing us.”
That last word, us, it feels so powerful. More than ever before. Maybe because there’s much more at stake now. I’m losing my family and I’m not sure where to go from here. He’s the only one I’ve got.
I slide my arm around his waist, wanting to hold myself against him and never let go.
“Yosh, please. Stay with me.”
The shaky, long breath he releases fuels that clawing feeling in my head even more.
I know he struggles with anxiety, with trauma after deployment, maybe even long before that.
He only ever gives me fragments and avoidance when it comes to his past. But when he gets overwhelmed, he runs.
And I know he wants to be there for me, but I’m scared all my shit brings us to a point where he just can’t.
“I’m here Sapphire, you’re safe with me.”
I take those words with me as I close my eyes and dream of us catching waves, making love to the sound of the ocean. It calms me, like the hand still resting between my shoulder blades. After a few breaths, I fall asleep in the warmth of his arms.
It’s only a minute or two, tops, before a knock at the door snaps me awake, my cheek still pressed to Yosh’s thigh.
“Who’s that? Fuck I don’t want to see anyone.”
Yosh grins. “Who do you think?”
I shoot up.
Effy. No. She can’t see me like this.
The scared part of me wants to hide, crawl back into Yosh’s lap like a lazy lasagna cat, but I need to be responsible. I can't let her standing in the cold again—literally this time.
“What do I do?”
“Well, open the damn door for her!”
“Oh yeah, of course.”
I get up, fixing my hair on the way to the front door. Behind me, I hear Yosh calling me an idiot.
I open the door, Effy stands there shivering in the cold. She’s wearing nothing but a knitted cardigan in this sub-zero temperature.
“Come in quickly, girl. Where’s your coat!?”
“Joan fell asleep in my bed. I didn’t want to wake her by opening my closet.”
She waves at Yosh before hugging her arms around herself.
“Sit down, dear, I’ll fetch you a blanket.”
What’s happening to me? Suddenly I feel things I haven’t felt in a long, long time. I catch my reflection in the mirror, slapping my cheek.
Come on, Tom, pull yourself together. Act like an adult. It’s time to take responsibility and do exactly that: be a goddamn father for once.
In the bedroom, I grab a fleece plaid from the cup board.
Effy’s already on the couch. Yosh is in the kitchen, putting the kettle on the stove.
“Are you okay?” Yosh calls from the kitchen.
“I’m feeling warmer already. Thanks. The baby didn’t freeze either.”
I look down, my fingers tapping together.
“About that…congratulations, by the way.”
“By the way?” she repeats, mocking me.
Yosh returns with three steaming mugs. Tropical fruit tea, by the smell of it. Maybe he chose it to comfort me with a taste of home.
“Sorry. I’m an idiot, I know.”
Effy stays silent for a moment, then gives a small nod. Confirmation received: I’m an idiot. Good start.
“It’s a girl.”
“Oh really? Wow, a little girl! Congratulations!” Yosh’s enthusiasm fills the room, and it makes me feel like I don’t stand a chance. Like, how can I possibly compete with that? No matter what I say, i’ll never sound as genuine or happy as he does.
“That’s nice. Really. I’m happy for you.”
She looks away for a moment, reaching for her tea.
It’s my turn to say my piece. Better to rip the bandage off right away. There’s no point stalling.
Before I can, Yosh chimes in. “Should I leave you two alone? I can go for a walk by the lake.”
“No!” we say at the same time, our eyes meeting right after. Effy giggles. As awkward as that was, it breaks the ice.
Yosh smiles, dropping back onto the couch. His eyes find mine. That means I should start.
“Effy, I want to apologize for, you know, disappearing. I was a mess back then, and I made all the wrong choices.”
She looks me over, sapphire blue eyes staring right back at me.
“That’s a statement. An understatement.”
“You're right. I messed up by leaving you with Jay. It was the best thing I thought I could do at the time. You deserved a father like Jay, not me. I… I couldn’t do it.”
Effy looks at the ceiling, the bookcase, the kitchen island, anywhere but me. For a moment, it seems like she’s about to say something, but she stops and holds it in.
“I know my apologies don’t change the past, but I want you to know I’m sorry. Not just for what I did, but for everything I never did. For not being there when you needed me most.”
She shrugs, still not looking at me. “You were so young. I get that having a child at your age was a mistake.”
“It wasn’t like that. Absolutely not! You were everything to me. You and Chris…you were my whole world.”
My eyes fill with tears I can no longer hold back. It feels like someone is driving a knife through my chest, slowly turning it.
All these years she thought I didn’t want her, that she was a mistake. That realization chokes me more than anything ever could. Never. Never have I ever thought of her like that. Not even because… That, she can never know.
I always assumed that when this day came, she’d show her anger and scream that a real father would never abandon his child. And honestly? That would’ve been easier and less painful. But instead, she thinks she was a mistake. That breaks me more than all those years of regret and self-hate ever did.
Yosh rises from the couch, grabbing a couple of napkins from the kitchen island.
First he hands one to Effy, then to me. Then he sets the rest on the table and takes one himself. There's a tear rolling over his cheek as well.
“Tom, it’s okay. Really. I’ve spent so many years stuck in the how and why, but now I see that all of that was pointless.
Dad and Janice gave me everything. Cheryl and Uncle Eli too.
They raised me like their own. I was never alone; Joan, Finn, Luca and Alex were always there for me. That’s what we do in the pack.”
She looks at Yosh now, giving him a nod, then turns back to me.
“I just wish things had been different. That my mom hadn’t been a complete lunatic, and that I’d had you in my life.”
My hands hide my face, my elbows resting on my knees. Tears flow like rivers down my cheeks, finding their way past the barrier of my hands.
Every tear feels selfish and so incredibly wrong.
A warm hand lands on my back, and it isn’t Yosh as I expected.
Oh god, it’s Effy. She came to sit next to me and has her arm around me now. How can she, after everything I’ve done to her, put aside her own pain to comfort me? No. It simply isn’t possible.
Slowly, my lashes lift. Her eyes are red and glassy. In her gaze, I find no blame. No hatred. Only something I barely deserve: understanding, and I don’t stop myself from pulling her into my arms.
I hold her just as I held her for the first time, that warm day in May when she was born, the day I thought I would give her the world. But now, as I hold her, I feel all the guilt of everything I’ve taken from her. And yet she’s strong enough to hold me. It breaks me in a way words can’t describe.
God, I promise myself, I 'll do whatever it takes to make things right with her.
An hour and two cups of tea later, we head back to the North House. Effy walks between us. I gave her my jacket to keep her warm during the hike.
I have to admit I’m relieved, but also exhausted. That conversation was emotional. It hurt, but it needed to happen. Because of it, we’re finally moving in the right direction.
It’s not going to fix years of hurt and resentment in one night. There’s still plenty to mend between us, but tonight we built a bridge. One that will make it easier to meet each other halfway next time. That feels like progress.
Yosh holds her arm to help her through the snow. It’s hard enough for us to walk in this, but for her, heavily pregnant, it must be a struggle.
I didn’t even make the connection at first, but seeing them side by side suddenly makes it obvious why my favorite people are so alike.
They’re both quiet thinkers, comfortable in silence, and somehow tuned to the same frequency. I’m more of a show pony. What you see is what you get. Can’t help that.
During tea there were moments I felt like a third wheel, especially when they started finishing each other’s Nietzsche quotes. I’m not talking about the mainstream ones. They were tossing around lines that nearly gave me a migraine, and I write for a living.
Effy snorts. “That was quite a scene with Finn at the table.”
“Did anyone say anything?” I ask.
“Not that I know of. Alex, Janice, Mary, and I did the dishes. Finn passed out on the couch. Dad went to his office with a bottle and locked the door.”
“Fuck.”
“Joan’s really upset. She wouldn’t tell me why.”
“I probably should’ve seen it coming. She was there for me in Avalon, but I never told her what was going on with Yosh and me.”
“She’s taking it personally.”
“I know, I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”
Effy turns to Yosh, still holding onto his arm.
“Sorry for Christmas from hell. You’re probably thinking we’re all a bunch of drunk disasters, but we’re not.
Finn broke up with his boyfriend recently and is walking a self-destructive path, and Dad…
Well, he’s protecting the pack. He just has his own way of doing it. I don’t always agree with him.”
Yosh smiles politely. “I understand. I would protect what you have here too.”
My head snaps toward him so fast I almost pull something in my neck. What the hell?
“Good to hear,” Effy replies, sliding her arm free of his. On the porch, she turns back to me.
“Thanks for our talk, Tom. It feels better.”
“Glad to hear that, love. Thanks for being open to meet with me.”
She smiles at Yosh. “You’re a lovely Christmas present. Don’t let any McKenna get the better of you, especially not this one.” She nods at me.
I place a hand over my chest, pretending to be very, very hurt.
Effy laughs. She still has the same giggle she had when she was a little girl, when I did the silliest things just to make her laugh. I really have to hold myself together not to burst into tears on the spot; I never dared to hope I’d have tiny moments like this again.
My wave of nostalgia comes to an end when the door closes behind Effy. That’s when I start to feel how cold the weather has left me. I zip up the parka she returned to me; It still holds her warmth.
Yosh and I shuffle carefully down the icy stairs. At the bottom, I take his hand, giving it a strong squeeze.
“Want to walk with me a bit? I need to talk to my other child.”