Chapter 60
Chapter sixty
Tom
It’s a warm day in March. Unusually warm for this time of year. The sun is hanging low in the sky, its golden rays weaving through the empty tree branches in front of the hospital window. They warm the tears on my face.
God, I’ve cried so much this past year. More than I ever thought I could.
It’s like the dam somewhere deep inside me broke, and now it’s just streams. All the fucking time.
Today I’m not fighting them.
Not while I’m holding this tiny, perfect little girl against my chest.
My granddaughter.
Months ago, it had scared the living shit out of me to say that word out loud. All I could think was; this shouldn't be happening to me, I’m way too young for this kind of stuff.
In retrospect, I’ll blame it on the quarter life crisis. I was denying that this was happening; my daughter giving life to a child of her own while it felt to me as if I’d paused mine nearly 20 years ago and never lived since.
But last year, I finally started living. And right now I’m as alive as this little bundle of joy in my arms.
I glance down. She’s so small, so precious, so perfect. She feels mine too.
Her little body rises and falls with each soft breath. I hold her close, letting her hear my heartbeat.
It’s soothing for newborns, they say. Keeps them calm. I remember I did that with Effy when she was this size. Chris too. I’d hold them both against my chest.
“Sophie Thomas James McKenna,” she says from the hospital bed.
I look up to meet Effy’s eyes. “What?”
“That’s her name.”
“Sophie is the queen,” I say as I look down at the baby in my arms. “Thomas James?”
Effy nods, her eyes glistening. “Yeah, after you. Wouldn’t like to break family tradition.”
“God no, that would be considered treason.” I grin, but the joke doesn’t stop a new tear from rolling down. She’s named her baby after me. Me.
Somehow it feels like more than I deserve.
I press my lips to Sophie’s soft little forehead, the tear landing in her wispy golden hair.
For a moment, her tiny face crumples. I hold my breath.
As soon as I think she’s going to go full blast, she relaxes, lifting her little arm. Tiny fingers reaching in the air.
I offer her my pinky. She grabs it, her grip surprisingly strong. It looks like we’ve got ourselves a next gen musician.
“I remember when I held you like this. You were mine. Only mine, not hers..”
I inhale deeply. It’s time to finally have this conversation with her.
“Yes, she gave birth to you, but there wasn’t a chance in hell any of her wickedness would be in you.”
My smile feels bittersweet as I brush my thumb gently over Sophie’s tiny hand.
“And I was right. You turned out so beautiful, Evelyn. A strong, kind woman. I couldn’t be more proud.”
My voice breaks, forcing out the words I’ve been holding back for so long.
“I’m so sorry I failed you.”
My knees threaten to buckle as the weight of it all presses down on me. I stand, carefully holding Sophie, and hand her back to Effy.
As her small arms settle around her daughter, I lose the last shred of control I have.
Tears are coming hard and fast now. I use one hand to cover my face, but it’s no use.
Love, pain, heartbreak, exhaustion. At this point it’s all too damn much.
“Come here,” Effy says to me.
She places Sophie in the hospital cradle. I watch her for a moment, not exactly sure what to do. My feet stay rooted to the floor. I’m choking on the guilt and shame that’s been my shadow for years.
Her soft hands reach for me, tugging me closer. I let her pull me in.
There I am in her arms, my head dropping to her shoulder. Everything I’ve been dragging around for years has finally brought me to my knees.
Her hand moves over my back and I hadn’t even realized how cold I felt until now, until her warmth started to thaw me out. And damn, it hurts. It hurts so much.
“Effy…” She keeps stroking my back, waiting. It makes me spill the words out.
“I broke the day I left you with Jay. It wrecked me. Completely. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. God, Effy, I never wanted to.”
Her chin ticks in a nod against my collarbone.
“After your brother died… and after I nearly lost you in the fire… Effy, I couldn’t lose you too. I couldn’t. So I let you go. I thought it was the only way to keep you safe. You were my little girl and I…”
Effy leans back to look at me, her hands sliding to my shoulders. I feel a slight tremble as she holds me.
“I’m a mum now, Dad. And I get it. I really do.”
I flinch at the word Dad. It feels strange, like it belongs to someone else. Jay. But she holds my gaze and I can’t look away.
“You did it because you loved me. You did it to protect me. I know that now, and that’s enough.”
I shake my head. “It’s not enough. It will never be enough. I failed you, sweetheart. I should’ve fought harder. I should’ve—”
“Stop. You did what you thought was right, and you did it for me.”
Her words, it feels like she’s speaking directly to the scared, wounded teenager that has been locked inside my body all this time.
“I see that now. And I forgive you.”
Forgive.
I close my eyes. With the first exhale after that word I feel the last remnants of the silence crumble, vanishing into dust and disappear.
For good.
“You were so young, Tom. You deserved better. And I think we both get a chance to start over now.”
“Maybe. We’ll see…” I run my thumb over the triangular Onyx on my chest.
“Tom, that guy is insanely crazy about you. Go. Go to your boyfriend and find your happiness. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
I let out this long, shaky sigh, my mind racing a kilometre a minute.
Okay, deep breath. Chronological order, Tom. That’s how you get things accomplished.
Apartment. Passport. Suitcase. My suitcase is still packed, and half my stuff is on the floor exactly where I left it three months ago.
Book a flight? No, screw that. I'm heading straight to the airport. If I have to sleep in front of the gate, so be it. I don’t care. Am I about to do this?
Fuck yes.
“Why are you still here?” Effy’s voice snaps me back. She raises an eyebrow, her arms crossed. “Don’t you have a plane to catch?”
I laugh. It’s a bit shaky but it’s real. I kiss her cheek, then bend down to brush my fingertips over little Sophie’s hair. “Thank you for everything,” I say, and my voice catches on the words. “I love you, sweetheart.”
I make it to the hallway before my chest tightens. I can’t leave like this. No way. I turn around and rush back, wrapping Effy in one last hug, as tight as I can.
“I’m going to miss you so much. I’ll call you. Every single day, I promise. I don’t want to miss any updates of Little Miss Sunshine.”
She laughs softly.
“Go,” she says, pushing me away. “I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. Now go.”
I force myself to step back, to turn around, to keep moving.
Outside, I grip the keys in my back pocket. My nervous brain doesn’t even know which button to press anymore. I hit the most logical one and the lights of my car blink in response.
I check my phone for flights. Avalon…please… Fuck, tomorrow. But hey, there’s a flight to Aruba departing in four hours. Maybe I can take that one and see if I can catch a connecting flight to Avalon from there.
Fine. Aruba first. Whatever it takes.
I start the engine and drive.