Chapter 12
12
When I opened my eyes the next morning, I was startled for a moment to see Ethan sleeping beside me.
Then the night before came back in snapshot like Polaroid pictures, faded and dream-like but beautiful memories.
I’d had so much fun with Ethan and his friends. And then afterwards, I’d felt closer to him than I had with anyone new for a long time. I could tell Carly and Luke anything, and my parents were always there if I needed them, but new friendships or relationships never seemed to scratch the surface.
I stared at Ethan sleeping, hoping it wasn’t creepy, and I couldn’t help but compare last night with my six months with Joe. I don’t think I’d ever felt as comfortable with another man as I had last night with Ethan. The thought was scary but somehow, Ethan also felt safe.
‘I can feel you,’ Ethan murmured then. He opened one eye, then the other, and smiled sleepily, pushing his ruffled hair back off his face. His eyes were really a beautiful blue. A crack of morning light streamed in through the blinds, lighting them up.
‘I love your eyes,’ I said, before I could stop myself .
‘Yeah?’ He smiled and reached out to gently touch my lip. ‘I love your smile.’
My heart started to hammer as we stared at one another. He slowly withdrew his hand. I wanted it back. ‘I’m sorry I begged you to stay,’ I said softly, wondering if I should feel embarrassed. I kind of did, but I couldn’t lie – I was enjoying waking up beside Ethan.
‘I’m not,’ he replied. ‘ Tu es belle .’
‘Speaking French is pretty sexy,’ I admitted, trying to remember enough French to translate his words. Belle was beautiful, I was sure of that. My heart beat even faster. I had been so sure that I wanted to stay the hell away from men, but now this guy was right beside me in bed telling me lovely things in French. I wasn’t sure when I’d realised Ethan was extremely cute. But now I had, I couldn’t un-see it.
‘Good. I need all the help I can get.’ Ethan smiled but I sensed there was something underneath that casual sentence. He seemed as nervous, as unsure, as me.
‘I don’t believe that,’ I said.
‘If we met out one night, I would never have the guts to chat you up. Even if I really wanted to,’ Ethan admitted.
I suddenly longed to meet him out as strangers, no complications between us. ‘Would you have wanted to?’ I asked him nervously.
‘Of course I would. Are you fishing for compliments?’ He smiled and I bit my lip because if I was honest, I really wanted to hear him say nice things. ‘You’re gorgeous. We already established though, I’m not your type.’ He said it casually but as someone who also lacked confidence, I could feel his nerves. My heart stuttered at him calling me gorgeous. I loved how honest he was with me. It was refreshing after Joe. And it helped me feel like one day, I could trust Ethan .
‘If you said something sexy in French, I think you’d be anyone’s type,’ I blurted out then.
‘Including yours?’
We looked at one another. I wanted to be as honest as he had been. ‘You sound very sexy when you speak French,’ I admitted, my cheeks heating up.
‘Hmm. Looks like I need to speak in French more often around you then,’ he said, smiling.
‘How do you say “kiss me” in French?’ I blurted out.
Ethan sucked in a breath and shifted in the bed.
‘God, I’m sorry.’ I winced at my lame flirting and went to roll over, desperate to get out of the bed. And find somewhere to hide for the rest of my life.
Ethan touched my shoulder and I froze. I couldn’t look at him though.
‘I would say embrasse-moi .’
‘Huh. Appropriate,’ I said, glancing back at him to see if he was taking the piss.
Ethan was giving me a fond look. ‘Come back. Please. Don’t go unless you want to…’
I rolled back and we locked eyes again. ‘It’s really “ embrasse-moi ”?’
‘I promise,’ he whispered, his gaze dropping to my lips. I smiled and he reached out to touch my lip again. ‘Tessa, seriously, I would love to kiss you, but I don’t know if that’s what you really want?’
My indecision was clearly screamingly obvious to us both. My body was drawn to him. The bed was soft and cosy and made me want to close the small space and tumble into his safe, warm arms. To be held, touched, kissed… I ached for it. But everything had changed in such a short space of time between us. From thinking he would rather be anywhere else than with me to be ing on the bed together talking about us kissing. I needed to catch up to it all.
‘I don’t know,’ I admitted. I was terrified of being hurt again. I didn’t think Ethan would ever intentionally hurt me, but how could I be sure? And this attraction was confusing. Ethan wasn’t like anyone else I’d been with. It was unexpected.
Ethan nodded. ‘Then we wait until you’re really sure. I won’t kiss you unless you ask me to, Tessa.’ Ethan’s eyes seemed to blaze then. He leaned in towards my ear and whispered, ‘Maybe until you beg me.’
My breath hitched.
Ethan pulled back and looked at me. I had a feeling my eyes were just as dark as his. I bit my lip. And his curled into a smile. ‘Hmm, I have a feeling you quite like that idea.’
My breathing had definitely turned ragged. ‘You’ll have to wait and see, won’t you?’ I murmured.
‘Yeah, I guess I will. Well, I know what I’ll be thinking about all day…’ He sat up and climbed off the bed, glancing at me over his shoulder. His clothes were crumpled but the effect worked on him. ‘You begging me and me doing exactly what you want me to.’
My mouth fell open and he chuckled.
‘I need to get ready for my course; it’s an early start today.’ I watched him walk to the bedroom door. ‘How about dinner when I get back?’
I could only nod, stunned by what he’d said about begging him. And how much I wanted to.
God, that was… hot. Ethan could be sexy? I found Ethan sexy? Well, fuck.
I felt light-headed and a little bit dizzy, like I’d just stepped off a roller-coaster .
I flopped back on the pillows when he left and exhaled loudly and slowly.
My phone buzzed on the bedside table. It was a message from Juliette.
Brunch? I only take yes as the answer.
Smiling at the way she’d written it, I replied to agree to the plan, my stomach rumbling in anticipation. Brunch and girl talk after last night and this morning sounded perfect to me.
I met Juliette at a small bistro close to the Louvre. The rain had cleared and there was a hint of sunshine between the clouds as I walked there from the apartment. I scrolled through the photos on Instagram from last night and saw that I looked the happiest I had in a very long time.
As I approached the bistro, I noticed that Carly had liked the one Juliette had taken of me and Ethan holding our drinks up at the camera, cheesy smiles on our faces.
I opened up WhatsApp and messaged her.
Okay, you were right.
I always am but what about specifically this time?
Paris being a good idea!
You looked like you were having fun last night.
Then she added five winking emojis.
It was a really good night. How are you? Feeling better I hope?
It’s weird, it feels like I’m about to get the flu but nothing is appearing, very odd. Just taking it easy working from home on the sofa. I miss you!
I miss you too. Not long until I’m back in London, don’t worry.
As I put my phone away, I felt a bit sad at the thought of returning home. The change of scenery and company had been more healing than I thought it would be. I still hadn’t put pen to paper so to speak, or more literally, fingertips to laptop keys, but the prospect of writing a story about a woman going through something similar to me wasn’t quite as daunting as it had been when I arrived in Paris. Whether I could actually write the story was another matter, but one step at a time.
As I opened the door to the bistro, soft French music floated out to greet me. It was cosy with a polished wooden floor, velvet chairs and funky lights hanging from the ceiling. Juliette waved to me from a corner table, and I went over. She got up and kissed me, then we sat down and I slipped off my coat.
‘It’s unfair how good you look after last night,’ I told her as I looked across and was struck again by her flawless skin and hair. I was sure I was the colour of stone.
Juliette shook her head. ‘You’re too sweet. I didn’t even bother with makeup today. I need all the coffee this morning. You?’
‘I can’t drink coffee,’ I admitted.
She looked outraged.
‘I’m sorry, I just need tea.’
Juliette called the waiter over and ordered the basket of croissants and pastries, a coffee for her and tea for me. ‘So,’ she said when we were alone, propping her elbows on the table opposite me. ‘We need to gossip about men. Have you fucked Ethan yet?’
I coughed. ‘What?!’ I mean, Carly was always honest with me, but that was direct and a half.
She smiled and shrugged. ‘Sorry, I sensed that there might be something between you two. And you’re in a one-bedroom apartment.’
‘Um, well, no, we didn’t really know each other until Paris, and it’s complicated with me recently breaking up with his best friend after all.’
‘Joe is not a nice man, is he? I met him once and I didn’t like him.’
‘Where were you six months ago?’ I sighed. ‘The more I get to know Ethan, the more I can’t believe they are best friends, to be honest.’
‘Ah. I know why,’ she said. The waiter came back with our order, so we paused to take a sip of our drinks and a bite of freshly warmed croissants. ‘You are ready for the story?’
I nodded eagerly. ‘Yes, please. Because they are so different.’
‘Hmm. Well, they met at boarding school. Ethan got in on a scholarship; he’s really clever. Joe was there because he’s from a rich family.’ I smiled, liking how matter-of-fact she was. ‘Ethan lost his mother young. He never knew his father. Joe and his family almost unofficially adopted him, I think that’s what you say? They had him at their big country house every holiday, bought him things he could never afford on his own and when it was clear he wanted to be a chef, Joe’s father paid for him to study.’
‘Wow. So, they are more like brothers.’ I understood their relationship much more now. ‘I guess Ethan maybe feels a debt towards Joe then. ’
Juliette waved her hand in the air. ‘Debt? Yes! This is why he won’t open a restaurant with me.’
‘I had no idea you wanted to do that.’
‘Well, you know I work in my family’s restaurant?’
I nodded as I chewed my pastry, hanging on her every word.
‘I would love my own place and when I met Ethan, we had the same dream. To open a place mixing French with English, but he won’t do it until he pays Joe and his family back.’
‘Because they paid for him to study?’
Juliette nodded. ‘He is very… What’s the word?’
‘Proud?’
‘Yes. His pride means he feels he has to do that before we can have a restaurant, and he won’t let me pay for it myself; he wants us to be partners.’ Juliette shrugged. ‘So, we are stuck for now. And that’s why they are friends, because of how much they have helped him.’
I admired Ethan for wanting to pay back his debt, as he saw it. And for being loyal to Joe, who I was certain hadn’t done much to deserve it.
‘But I know that he hates what Joe did to you,’ Juliette added.
‘We did talk a bit about that last night,’ I said.
‘I wish he would ditch Joe. Joe is mean to him,’ Juliette said.
‘He is? Ethan did say he makes comments about his height…’
‘Joe likes to make people feel bad about themselves.’
I nodded. ‘You’re right. He does. I felt pretty shit about myself the whole time I was with him, and afterwards. I’m only just starting to feel like it wasn’t all my fault. Meeting Ethan has helped with that.’
‘Joe never introduced you two?’
‘To hide his cheating, Joe kept me away from his friends. I only met Ethan twice really briefly. That’s why it’s been so strange getting to know him so much this week. ’
‘But you like getting to know him?’ She smiled as I blushed. ‘Hmm. Well, I heard Joe putting him down, making jokes about him, and it pissed me off. Is Joe a good man? No. He has looks and a fancy city job. Joe said being a chef is not a manly job.’ She scoffed. ‘Joe isn’t manly to me. I think Ethan can be jealous of Joe, but I also believe that Joe is jealous of Ethan.’
I thought about that. ‘Ethan said Joe can’t do what he really wants because of his family; he probably envies Ethan’s freedom. And he must see Ethan as a better man than he ever will be. Sorry if I sound bitter but he really made me think he loved me and all the time, he was with another woman.’
Juliette tutted. ‘Bastard.’
I nodded in agreement. ‘Yes. It’s kind of put me off men, relationships, all of it. I’m finding it hard to write my next book because I don’t know if love is really just all bullshit.’
She grinned. ‘Bullshit, yes, but it makes the world go around. And you must see Ethan is nothing like Joe. And the way he was looking at you last night, Ethan thinks you’re incredible. And you deserve a man who thinks like that.’
My cheeks were now bright pink. ‘Well, that’s sweet. I don’t know. Ethan’s becoming a good friend. I don’t want to ruin that by…’
‘Fucking him?’
‘Exactly. But…’ I took a sip of tea. ‘This morning, I thought about it. Fucking him, I mean. Well, just kissing, actually; I’m British after all.’
Juliette burst out laughing. ‘I love you, Tessa, and I can see why Ethan is hooked.’
‘A man has never been hooked on me, I can promise you that. I need to be more like you, Juliette, and keep my heart to myself.’
‘No,’ she said, so quickly and firmly I was taken aback. ‘You know why I am the way I am? Because I’ve never found anyone I’m willing to risk my heart on. But if I did find it, if you found it, then we must risk it. Don’t you think?’
‘That, Juliette, is the million-dollar question.’
‘I don’t understand.’
I laughed. ‘It probably doesn’t translate. The thing is, I’ve been burnt once. I’m not sure I can ever risk it again.’
‘You will when it feels right. The same about your writing. When you’re ready, it will come back.’
She sounded so certain, I envied her. I wasn’t sure I was certain about anything any more. But maybe that was okay.
Maybe you have to become lost so you can find exactly what you’re looking for.