Chapter 13
13
The sun came out in the afternoon so I took a mug of tea and my laptop out onto the balcony to enjoy it at the small table out there. I opened up the document I had titled ‘Book Three’ at Christmas. It had remained a blank space since then. Writing used to not only feel easy, it was also a need. When working my last novel, I’d stayed up all night to write the ending – I was so inspired, so desperate to get the words floating around in my head onto my laptop. My fingers tapped away at the keys so furiously, I worried the neighbours might complain. But now, my laptop was like an object I didn’t know how to use.
I took a deep breath and typed out the two words that used to fill me with excitement. Chapter One.
At least it’s no longer a blank page!
I picked up my phone and took a picture of my set up on the balcony. It looked like a writer’s dream. Even though I hadn’t actually written anything, I posted it on Instagram with the caption:
#amwritin g
Stevie from Turn the Pages commented on it instantly.
I can’t wait to read this!
My editor Gita liked it. Then Carly responded.
I’m coming on the next research trip!
The likes flew in rapidly. Then one name caught my eye.
‘What?’ I almost spilled my tea everywhere. Hastily, I moved my mug away from my laptop and stared at my phone. Yep, there it was. The last name I wanted to see in my Instagram notifications.
JoeHarrison10 liked this
I had unfollowed my ex on Instagram but I knew he hadn’t unfollowed me. I debated blocking him but I didn’t want him to think I cared. So, he was not only still looking at my posts but was now interacting with them.
What the fuck?
Any hope I had of coming up with some words for the first chapter disappeared in a puff of smoke. I closed the laptop and put my head in my hands.
In my existential crisis, I missed the apartment door opening, so when a voice spoke in the balcony entrance, I jumped.
‘Uh oh, what happened?’
I lifted my head to see Ethan leaning against the doorframe, looking down at me with concern.
‘Just opened my laptop to try to write something, then shut it right back up again. I’m a failure.’
‘You need to be kind to yourself,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘ You’ve been through a lot. Creativity doesn’t come when we want it to at the best of times; when you’re not feeling yourself, you’re not going to be inspired. That’s what this trip is for, right? A chance to get yourself back. The words will come when you feel that.’
I stared at him. ‘You’re a wise man, Ethan Taylor.’
He grinned. ‘Always easier to give advice to other people.’ He saw my phone on the table lighting up. ‘You’re popular today.’
‘Oh, yeah, well, everyone thinks a balcony in Paris is inspiring,’ I said, gesturing around us. ‘And it is beautiful. It’s just not helping.’
‘ Yet . Not helping yet ,’ Ethan corrected. ‘There’s still time. If you want to take your mind off it, I do have an invite for tonight.’
‘Oh yeah?’
‘It’s Juliette’s brother’s birthday. Juliette is having people over to her apartment. I know you don’t like parties but we could show our faces, have a drink then escape?’
The word ‘we’ hung in the air.
I like it more than I know I should.
I nodded. ‘Okay,’ I said, wishing that word hadn’t enveloped me in warmth like a hug. I got up from the table and followed Ethan back inside, carrying my laptop in and putting it on the coffee table. I shoved my phone in my pocket, not wanting to see Joe’s name on my screen again. I thought about telling Ethan but that felt like it would be giving Joe even more power. I didn’t want him to know seeing his like on my post had even registered in my brain.
‘How about pasta to fuel us?’ Ethan said then, wandering to the kitchen.
‘You might be the best roommate,’ I replied.
‘Ah, now I see why you’ve let me stay: it’s not for my company, it’s for my food.’ He began taking ingredients out of a bag on the counter. He looked up at me and grinned.
I smiled back. Ethan somehow made everything feel better. ‘You caught me.’
His smile faltered a little bit. ‘I just thought I should check: I know last night you asked me to stay, but…’ He started to chop vegetables. ‘Are you sure? I mean, if we’re going to Juliette’s then I could stay there tonight if you want…’ He trailed off again. I could feel his awkwardness. I kind of liked it that he was as unsure as me about all of this. It made a change. Usually I was the one overthinking in relationships. I wondered now if it showed I had cared more than the other person every time. Or they had made me feel unsure. I wanted someone to let me feel sure.
‘I still want you to stay. If you do too,’ I said, braving the honesty again. Ethan made me want to be honest. Made me want to say things I usually just said in my own head.
He glanced up at me. ‘Great,’ he said.
I cleared my throat. ‘So, how was your course today?’ I asked, climbing up on one of the bar stools to watch him cook, hiding how wide my smile was to hear him say he wanted to stay as well.
Ethan tutted. ‘Not great. A customer complained about their meal and the chef went out into the restaurant and told him they had no taste and to get out.’
‘I can’t believe the chef acted like that! Is he not worried people will stop coming to his restaurant?’
‘I think he kind of leans in to that stereotypical, aggressive-chef persona. Thinks it’s part of his brand now. And to be fair, that dish was perfect and the customer seemed to be trying it on, hoping to get it for free. People were filming. It’s blowing up on social media so you probably won’t be able to get a table there for months now. His food is exquisite, otherwise I would have fled by now,’ Ethan said as he chopped basil. I watched his dexterity with the knife in awe. I would slice my fingers off if I attempted to chop like that.
‘What’s your favourite French saying?’ I asked after a moment.
Ethan considered the question. ‘ La vie est trop courte pour boire du mauvais vin . Life is too short to drink bad wine.’
I chuckled. ‘Amen to that. Shall I get us some?’
‘After today? Hell, yes.’
I poured us both a glass of French red wine. I raised my glass and he clinked his against mine. ‘I think you’re right about what you said just now – about being kind to myself. I’ve been beating myself up these past few weeks about not being able to write. And I know that’s making this block worse. My friends persuaded me to come on this trip so I could take inspiration from the City of Love, but maybe it’s more about taking time for myself. Hanging out with you and Juliette, it’s been really fun; it’s meant I haven’t been constantly worrying like I was at home. Don’t get me wrong, I’m terrified about this deadline and having to write a romantic story,’ I said, grimacing at the word romantic . I watched as Ethan tipped the vegetables into a pan on the hob. ‘But trying to make myself do it isn’t working. I need to try to chill.’
‘I get the impression chilling isn’t very you?’ Ethan smiled over his shoulder at me.
‘My default is worry and anxiety, but you are inspiring me. You are very chill.’
‘Not always. I have worries. I worry about the future, and people I care about, but I know that worrying won’t stop bad things happening. I’d rather try to take things as they come, as much as I can.’
‘God, I want to be like that.’
‘You shouldn’t try to be anyone but who you are, Tessa.’
I stared at his back, surprised at the very sudden prickling feeling behind my eyes. If I was honest, my six months with Joe had made me feel that I was lacking in some way. That I needed to change if I was going to find someone to love me. That a man like Joe needed more than me. But maybe it was actually the other way round and I needed more than Joe. Maybe I was okay after all. Maybe I could just be myself.
I eyed Ethan. ‘Can I say something?’
‘Hmm,’ he said, arching an eyebrow.
‘You and Joe are so different,’ I blurted out. ‘I can’t picture how you even became friends. Juliette mentioned you’ve been friends since you were really young though?’ I wanted to hear Ethan tell me their story.
He glanced back at me again. ‘Yeah, we met at boarding school. I got a scholarship and a lot of that was due to my love of cricket. They took it very seriously. Joe was a great player on the team, and that bonded us. My dad was never around and my mum worked a lot so Joe invited me to stay one holiday, and that was it. It became tradition. We’d play cricket, he taught me to ride, their cook let me in the kitchen, and I don’t know, his family became like mine. Especially when my mum died. And my dad disappeared from my life for good.’
‘I’m so sorry, Ethan.’
He nodded. ‘I was fifteen. It was a shit time. Joe and his family were there for me. Brothers don’t always get on or aren’t always alike, are they? But they are still brothers. I guess that’s how it’s always been with us, but…’ He ran a hand through his ha ir. ‘As we got older, we realised we are different. I don’t always agree with him and he knows it. I suppose we stay friends because our past bonds us. But I don’t know what will happen in the future. Listen, Tessa, I don’t agree with how he strung you and Rachel along at all. And he knows that. That’s why he didn’t want us hanging out.’
I nodded. ‘I should have realised something was up with how Joe kept me away from the people in his life. I didn’t even meet his family, not once. I was really blind.’
‘It’s his fault, not yours,’ Ethan said simply.
I wish I could see it as that black and white.
‘So, you know all about my ex – what about yours?’ I asked curiously. ‘There hasn’t been anyone you’ve wanted to settle down with?’
‘I had a girlfriend for about three years. We met when we were both studying to be chefs,’ he said. ‘But we were both really focused on our careers. I got the offer to live and work in Paris and I took it. She didn’t want to come and I understood. I suppose it came down to us not seeing our future together. My career is really important to me like yours is, but for the right woman, I would want to settle down, yeah. Get married, but I don’t really see myself having a family though.’
‘I know what you mean,’ I said, nodding. ‘Is it because of your father?’
‘This is getting very deep,’ he replied.
‘You don’t have to?—’
‘I told you, I like talking to you,’ he cut in. ‘I don’t want to be like him and if there is the slightest chance, I don’t want to take the risk. What about you?’
‘My parents are still together, we get on well, but I don’t know. I like life in the city, writing when I want to. Like you say, it’s always been important to me. Which is why I feel so lost right now. I always pictured myself getting married but not necessarily having a family. I suppose it depends on who I end up with and what we envision for our life together.’
‘Listening to you, I can’t picture you two together. Joe is all about the family life. I know he pictures his wife at the family country estate popping out, like, four kids.’
‘He never told me that.’ I frowned. ‘We didn’t talk about the future much, which should have been a red flag I now realise. He didn’t see his future with me.’
‘But you saw it with him?’
‘I did at one point. I thought he might even propose on this trip here,’ I said, gesturing around the apartment. ‘God, I feel stupid for thinking that. Rachel was the one he wanted to marry, not me.’
‘I’m not sure it’s as straightforward as that,’ he said carefully.
‘Well,’ I said with a shrug, ‘like you say, maybe we were never the right fit. I think I was swept up in our romantic meeting, thinking I’d met a hero right out of one of my novels. You know what he’s like.’
‘Oh, yeah, he always got the girls,’ Ethan said. ‘As he never fails to remind me,’ he added dryly.
‘But does he ever keep them?’ I asked.
Ethan turned and met my eyes and shook his head. ‘No, and definitely not the ones worth keeping.’
I tried not to get carried away thinking I might fit into that category, but as we held each other’s gaze, something passed between us. A thread of connection that I hadn’t seen coming. But a thread that I didn’t want to break yet. I took a gulp of wine to help steady myself because I was suddenly filled with want. Want to kiss the man who had just told me to be myself. Something I had longed for Joe to do but he had never done .
‘Thank you,’ I choked out. ‘You’re so sweet, Ethan.’
He turned away and poured pasta into boiling water. For a minute, I wasn’t sure he’d heard me but then I saw his shoulders slump. ‘That’s what they tell me,’ he muttered as if it wasn’t quite meant for my ears.