Chapter 19
19
The rain continued as dusk fell and Ethan and I both agreed we wanted to stay in the cosy apartment for our last evening here. Ethan said he would go out for provisions. I went into the bedroom to put my things back in my suitcase ready to move in with Juliette tomorrow.
How soon can I see you when you come back to London?
Carly messaged me as I was packing. I felt bad for not having told her my new plans. London and my best friend suddenly felt very far away. I phoned her and she answered instantly.
After we said our hellos, I explained what was going on. ‘I thought I might stay in Paris a bit longer…’
There was a short silence. ‘Because of Ethan?’
‘Um…’ I hesitated because her tone sounded annoyed. ‘Well, no, not exactly… I told Gita that my book will be set in Paris and I think being here will help me start to write it.’
‘Have you started?’
‘Not yet,’ I admitted .
‘Because you’ve been spending so much time with Ethan?’
‘No, you know I’ve been stuck. He’s helped – taking me to romantic spots and showing me the city. I have an idea, I just need to start writing now.’
‘And will you, if you’re still with him?’
‘He’s doing a cookery course; I’ll have lots of writing time. And being here is inspiring me. And, okay, kissing Ethan has been nice and maybe I don’t want to have to stop doing that,’ I said, touching my lips, which still tingled from our kisses earlier.
Carly sighed. ‘I’m worried, Tessa. You sound invested in this guy already. But you need to be careful. Joe really hurt you and you only split up two months ago…’
I sank down onto the bed, the packing forgotten as I was reminded of his betrayal. ‘I know that. It’s not like I’m rushing into a relationship. We are just getting to know each other.’ I blushed thinking about our activities on this very bed. It had felt so good.
Am I lying to Carly? Am I lying to myself?
‘And like I said, I’m not staying for Ethan,’ I added, feeling defensive. ‘I really need to try writing this book before I tell Gita I won’t make the deadline. I need something to show her. Ethan is just an added bonus.’
‘Tessa, you know I love you and I was all for you going on the Paris trip to get some distance from all the shit you’ve been through. I hoped it would give you inspiration for your book, but you can be impulsive when it comes to men. You sometimes equate them with your worth as a person. Like Joe. You moved in with him after only six weeks! And you told me that sometimes you didn’t feel good about yourself while you were together. What if that happens all over again?’
‘Wow,’ I said, her words penetrating my skin like a bee sting. ‘I didn’t realise that’s what you thought of me. So, because I moved too quickly and fell in love with him, what Joe did to me was all my fault?’
‘Of course not! But you maybe didn’t know him well enough when you moved in. And I hated how he made you feel bad about yourself. I don’t want that to happen with Ethan. And, I mean, he’s Joe’s best friend. You don’t know him very well yet.’ Carly sighed. ‘You’re not doing it so Joe will find out, are you?’
The question startled me. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Are you trying to make Joe jealous?’
I was taken aback. Joe, of course, knew we’d turned up at this apartment together and had no doubt seen the photos on social media of us hanging out with Ethan’s Parisian friends. But Joe didn’t know we’d kissed or what we’d got up to today. ‘He wouldn’t care anyway; he cheated on me. He’s with Rachel.’ I wasn’t sure if I wanted Joe to know about us. Part of me would enjoy him knowing that another man wanted me when he hadn’t. But I was worried what he might say about me to Ethan. If Joe thought I wasn’t good enough for him, would he feel the same way about his friend?
‘But it’s kind of weird, isn’t it? To be with his best mate. It keeps you in his orbit.’
‘Joe isn’t in Paris,’ I said, relieved about that for sure. ‘I’m here with Ethan, not him.’
‘That’s my point though. It’s only been two months since you were with Joe. It feels like things are moving kind of fast with you and Ethan. You’ve only known him five days but now you are staying in Paris to be with him?’
‘No, to work on my book!’ I cried. ‘Look, Carly, whatever you think, Paris has been good for me so far, and I don’t want to give that up just yet. I’m staying with Ethan’s friend Juliette for a few more days and I am going to try to write. ’
‘I hope so, Tessa,’ she said. ‘You know that I’m just trying to look out for you.’
‘Ethan is nothing like Joe,’ I said, but uncertainty had crept in. Being with Ethan this afternoon had been so amazing, but Carly did have a point when she said that I didn’t know him all that well. And reminding me how quickly I’d moved in with Joe. Not knowing him well turned out to be an understatement.
I heard the apartment door open and close then. ‘I’m going to go and have dinner now,’ I said quickly to Carly, not wanting Ethan to hear any part of this conversation. ‘I’ll talk to you soon. Bye!’ I hung up before she could stop me and took a breath before I left the bedroom.
The problem was, I did understand my best friend’s concern. I had sworn off love so hard I hadn’t been able to write about it, but this afternoon, I had been swept up in Ethan’s kisses and touch. It had been easy to picture more with him. I wanted more. And that was terrifying based on my last relationship experience.
Was I being too impulsive? What if I got hurt all over again?
Ethan was in the kitchen unpacking food from a brown paper bag when I walked in. ‘Hi there,’ he said, smiling warmly when he saw me. ‘I thought we could have picky bits maybe over a game of chess. What do you think?’
Seeing him helped. Our eyes met and sparks flew, but it was hard to ignore the seed of doubt that had settled in my chest. I trusted Carly and she was worried about this. ‘Sounds good,’ I said, forcing on a smile. ‘I’ll get some wine and set up the game,’ I offered as Ethan started to arrange a fancy board of cheese, bread, olives, and cold meats. I poured two glasses of red wine and took them over to the sofa area, finding the chessboard and setting it up on the coffee table as I knelt on the carpet .
Then my phone beeped with a message. I assumed it was Carly wanting to talk again, so when I saw Joe’s name on my phone screen, I did a double take. I had started to think his phone call the other night was just a mistake. A bum dial even. But now he had sent me a text.
I looked over at Ethan in the kitchen, but he was humming as he sorted out the food, so I opened up Joe’s message to read it.
When do you get back from Paris? Could we talk?
It felt like my phone was on fire. I put it down onto the coffee table as if I had been burnt. I stared at his words on the screen in shock. My pulse sped up at the thought of seeing him again. I wasn’t sure if it was from fear or hope.
‘Something wrong, Tessa?’
I jumped as Ethan was suddenly close by me, holding the wooden board of food, looking down at me on the floor with concern. I thought about lying but I was never very good at that.
‘Joe just texted me. He wants to talk when I go home.’
Ethan put the food down on the coffee table next to the chessboard. A shadow crossed his face as he sank into the sofa. ‘I see. Do you want to?’
‘No,’ I said quickly, but I bit my lip. ‘I’m not sure. I wonder what he wants to say to me.’
Ethan reached for the glass of wine I had poured and took a long gulp from it before replying. ‘I guess you need to ask yourself if you want to hear it or not,’ he replied. His voice sounded strained.
‘I mean, you know how much he hurt me but…’ I trailed off, feeling that sting of rejection all over again.
‘You’re curious?’ Ethan asked me .
‘Maybe a little bit. Is that crazy?’ The feelings Joe’s message had stirred up were confusing and irritating. I wanted to forget the six months I was with him, but looking across at his best friend was a stark reminder that I was unlikely to be able to do that anytime soon.
‘You’ll only know what Joe wants to say if you meet up with him,’ he said.
‘So, you think I should?’ I asked, worried that if he said yes, it meant that he didn’t care about me like it felt earlier he might do.
‘Maybe I shouldn’t be involved in this.’ Ethan shifted uncomfortably on the sofa.
I was embarrassed. ‘God, of course, he’s your friend and we… Well, I’m not sure what we are.’ I coughed nervously and wished I had lied when he’d asked me what was wrong. There was sudden tension between us, and I hated that Joe had caused it. And my conversation with Carly too. We had been happy just an hour ago, I had thought. I wanted that back. Even if it was just for the rest of the night.
‘Anyway,’ I said brightly. ‘I’m staying in Paris so there is no need to decide anything.’ I had meant Joe but I supposed the same was true for me and Ethan too. I needed to stop myself from doing what Carly said and rushing ahead of myself. ‘I’ll just tell him I’m not sure when I’ll be coming home.’ I was relieved I could put off deciding whether to talk to him or not.
After I sent a message back, I put my phone face down on the coffee table so I wouldn’t see if Joe replied, I looked at Ethan. He was quiet, looking anywhere but at me. I longed to know what he was thinking. ‘I don’t want our evening ruined,’ I said quietly. ‘Joe has done enough damage.’
Ethan’s eyes came back to me finally. ‘He has,’ he agreed.
I looked at the food, desperate to change the subject and get away from the shadow cast by my ex and his best friend. ‘This looks great,’ I told Ethan as I reached for some cheese and bread. ‘All my favourite foods together.’
Ethan was watching me closely but after a beat, he leaned forward and picked up a piece of cheese too. ‘I’m glad you like it. I was thinking as I was putting it all out what you said about your flat in Putney not feeling like home… There is a street in Paris with homeware and antique shops; we could check it out if you like?’
I nodded eagerly, relieved he had followed my lead and moved the subject on. ‘I’d love some things from Paris, to remember this trip.’
‘We could go after my course finishes tomorrow, if you like?’
‘Sounds good to me.’
We both smiled at one another. I realised we had spent the past five days in forced proximity in this apartment but now we’d be staying apart, we were choosing to spend time together. Carly’s words and the message from Joe faded away a little bit.
‘So, are you ready for me to beat you again?’ I asked, gesturing to the chessboard.
‘Fighting talk, Tessa?’
‘Always when it comes to board games,’ I replied with a smile.
‘Where does this competitive streak come from?’ He raised an eyebrow.
I considered that as he gestured for me to make the first move. I moved a pawn. ‘I’ve always played games with my family and I think they helped my overthinking. I can just concentrate on what I’m playing; my brain focuses on that and not on other things. Like right now, you’re watching me but I have tunnel vision for the game. ’
Ethan moved a pawn too. ‘Oh, so I will never be able to distract you?’
I glanced up with a smile. ‘You can try.’ I quickly looked back at the board and took one of his pawns.
‘So, not even talking about what we did earlier could distract you?’ Ethan asked as he took his turn.
‘What happened earlier?’ I teased him as I moved my knight and took another pawn from him. I had a sip of my wine and glanced at him.
Ethan was frowning at the chessboard, and at my question, he looked up. ‘You can’t fool me. You want more.’
I hesitated as he made the move I was expecting. I tried not to show that. ‘Do you want more?’ I asked nervously.
‘How could I not?’ he asked with surprise.
His answer did take me away from the game for a moment. I was confused by how quickly he had reassured me. I wasn’t used to that. It made me feel good. I tried not to think about what Carly had said about linking my worth to men. I wanted to just enjoy tonight.
Ethan moved his queen and I tried not to react as he made the move I had been hoping for. I moved my queen into the perfect position. And then I smiled. ‘Checkmate.’
‘What?’ he asked, startled. He leaned closer and looked. Then groaned.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘No, you’re not,’ he replied.
‘Not even a little bit.’
Ethan sighed. ‘I will beat you one day, Elliot.’
‘I look forward to it, Taylor.’
‘Seriously, how are you beating me so easily?’
‘Your moves are easy to anticipate, Ethan,’ I replied with a shrug .
‘They are? Shit. I need to work on that then, don’t I?’ Ethan got up then and left the sofa to join me on the floor, startling me. I looked into those blue eyes of his and felt like I was in trouble.
‘What move are you anticipating now, Tessa?’