Chapter 18
18
We ended up sat on the bed side-by-side with my laptop perched on the ottoman at the end, a hot drink each and an array of snacks scattered around the bed. We both wore a pair of jogging bottoms and a T-shirt.
As soon as I had suggested we could stay in, it started to rain, making us both happy to curl up and get cosy together. I glanced across at Ethan when Ratatouille started on my laptop. I had laughed when he suggested watching it – it seemed perfect to me, a film about cooking set in Paris. And I’d seen it before so I didn’t need to concentrate on it. I could just relax here with Ethan. And this man was very relaxing. Without even trying, he seemed to make me feel calmer.
‘I can feel you looking at me,’ Ethan said then.
I jumped. ‘Oh, sorry,’ I said, shifting my eyes back to the screen.
‘I didn’t say I didn’t like it.’ Ethan turned to me on the bed. ‘What’s up?’
‘I didn’t think we’d end up sharing this bed. ’
‘No.’ His mouth twitched. ‘You were really pissed when you found me in this apartment.’
‘More pissed at Joe than you,’ I reminded him. ‘I was worried it would be so awkward staying in this place together. But it wasn’t. I think you could make any situation chill.’
‘You should see me at work, I’m not as unruffled there. Here with you, it’s easy to be.’
‘I’d love to see you at work,’ I said.
‘Yeah? Well, you can come to the restaurant in London anytime.’
‘I wish I knew how things will be when I go home. What if staying here longer doesn’t help with my book like I hope it will?’ I leaned back against the pillows with a sigh. ‘I still don’t know if I can write again.’
‘I think you can,’ he said. He climbed across the bed and paused the film before kneeling beside me. ‘Let me ask you something – when you wrote your first romance novel, were you in a relationship with your soulmate?’
‘Hell, no. I had just been dumped by my boyfriend of almost four years over the phone. And I thought, Fuck this , I’m going to write a novel , because what did I have to lose?’
Ethan’s mouth twitched. ‘I hope you dedicated it to him.’
‘He emailed me when it came out and told me he regretted dumping me.’ I shrugged. ‘As much as I love reliving my terrible love life, your point is?’
‘My point is you wrote a happy ending then even though you’d been dumped. You still loved love.’
‘I was younger and more hopeful then,’ I said. ‘I think it’s because I thought Joe was it, you know?’ I saw a flicker of hurt in his eyes. I sat up on my knees. ‘Of course he isn’t now, I realise it was all an illusion and he’s not who I want, but what if I never get it right? What if I never meet The One? ’
‘Maybe there isn’t a one. Maybe we just have to hold on to love for as long as we have it and keep opening ourselves up to it even after we’ve been hurt. I honestly don’t think I really have been in love though. Not the kind of love in your books.’ He saw my raised eyebrow. ‘Yeah, I started reading your book on the way back from my course. You’re talented, Tessa; don’t let Joe ruin what you’re good at, what you enjoy. And think about the readers who love your books. Some of them have found their soulmates, others haven’t, some are in love, some are heartbroken, some are going through a tough time, but your books are an escape for them all. Something to brighten up their days. Whatever they are going through. Reading has always been that for me.’
I nodded. ‘Me too.’ I thought about readers who had reached out and told me the same thing. I was so proud when someone told me one of my books had made them smile. ‘Damn, you’re right. I don’t write for people like Joe. I write for people like us.’
‘The hopeless?’
‘The hopeful.’ I leaned in and kissed him. When our lips met, I felt it.
Hope.
Ethan pulled me closer, his hands touching my hips and sending heat through them. I wrapped my arms around his neck and the squishy bed coupled with us both on our knees didn’t really work out. Ethan tipped backwards and pulled me down onto the bed with him. We laughed and I looked down into his blue eyes. ‘You know, it would be kind of a shame not to make use of the one bed in this apartment. Just once.’
Ethan reached up and brushed my hair from my face. His eyes turned hungry as his lips met mine again. This time, he kissed me harder, and his hands on my back slid down to my bum and he squeezed it. When he moved to kiss my neck, I let out a little gasp. ‘God, that sound,’ he groaned .
I shifted and sat astride his lap again. I ran a hand through his hair then leaned down to kiss him. When his tongue touched mine, I whimpered and Ethan pulled me closer. He slid his hands up from my waist to cup my breast through my T-shirt as he moved his lips to below my ear, kissing me there and moving down to my collarbone. ‘Is this okay?’ he said, looking up at me.
‘Yes,’ I breathed.
His lips found mine again as he stroked my breasts and I needed to be closer. I moved higher on his lap and squeezed my legs tighter around him, feeling him as aroused as me through our jogging bottoms.
He grunted when I created friction and his mouth pressed harder against mine, kissing me desperately.
I moved against him again. ‘Should we get naked?’ I gasped out.
‘We both need to take this slow,’ Ethan said softly as he broke our kiss to look at me, the words coming out as breathless as I felt. He rocked against me and I whimpered. ‘We should keep our clothes on but that won’t stop me making you come.’
His words sent a delicious thrill through me. I moaned and moved against him harder as his mouth returned to mine. Ethan’s hands held my waist as I moved on top of him, and he thrusted against me. I could feel how hard he was and I wondered if he could feel how wet I was. It was like I was a teenager again, and there was something about us having to keep our clothes on that drove me crazy. I moaned when Ethan went back to caressing my breasts, running his fingertips over the fabric, my nipples hardening underneath instantly. Then he moved and hit the spot I needed him to most. I clung to him and cried out in pleasure.
‘What are you doing to me?’ I gasped as we moved harder and faster together .
‘You feel so good,’ he said, looking at me in wonder. ‘Like this. I can’t even imagine what it will feel like to be inside you.’
‘Oh, God.’ I moaned at the thought. I ached to feel him. There was something about this man that made me want to do things I’d only written about before. I was usually shy and tentative in bed, especially at first, but Ethan made me feel so comfortable, it was easy to let go.
‘Is this okay?’ he gasped then, reaching up to smooth my hair back off my face.
‘Faster,’ I gasped back. I gripped his shoulders and his hands clung to my waist. ‘Yes.’ I rolled my hips and this time, Ethan trembled beneath me. ‘You like that?’
‘Fuck yeah,’ he said, so I did it again and let out a moan. ‘I can’t stop thinking about what this will be like when I’m actually inside you. You’ll be so wet… so tight…’
Usually, dirty talk was something I avoided like the plague, with my overthinking about most things that came out of my mouth, but Ethan’s frantic murmurings just made me moan louder. It was like his honesty just carried on into the bedroom, and knowing he was thinking about being inside me while I was thinking the same thing made it incredibly hot. ‘You’re going to fill me up, you’re so big…’ I murmured back. Ethan pulled me closer down on him and when I rolled my hips again, I cried out as pleasure surged through my body, travelling out from the throbbing between my legs down to my toes. I shuddered against him as he rocked with me twice more before crying out too.
‘Jesus, Tessa,’ he cried, holding me tightly against him as he shuddered along with me. ‘If you can make me come as hard as that with my clothes on…’ He pulled back to look at me, eyebrow raised. ‘Your moans, fuck.’
I came back to earth and looked away. ‘I’m sorry.’ I started to slide off him, but Ethan gripped my hips and kept me in place .
‘What the hell are you sorry for?’ He was searching my face but I was avoiding his eyes. He took hold of my chin gently in his fingers and tilted my face so I had to meet his eyes.
‘Being so loud,’ I said, embarrassed at being so into it now the moment had passed.
‘Are you being serious?’ He shook his head. ‘Do you know how hard I was trying not to come before you? Your moans drove me crazy. Fucking crazy.’ He cupped my face and drew my lips to his, kissing me tenderly. He pulled back and met my eyes again. ‘I have dreamed about making you moan like that.’
When I saw he was being serious, my chest sagged with relief. I smiled through my blush. ‘Okay, good. I honestly don’t know what you did to me back there.’
‘I want to do it again,’ he said huskily. ‘Over and over. Do you?’
I nodded. ‘I think I may have made that clear.’ But then I giggled, the high I had felt coming back from his reassurance.
Ethan leaned back and smiled, reaching up to touch my lips. ‘God, I love making you smile. You look even more gorgeous when you smile. I want to make you smile like this every day.’
‘I was thinking you make me feel like a teenager again,’ I said.
‘Good. You should feel that carefree and fearless.’
I’d turned as serious as he had. ‘This is new for me,’ I admitted. I shifted again and this time, his hands slid away and I climbed off his lap and sat back to look at him. ‘I don’t usually feel like this.’
‘How do you usually feel?’ he asked, watching me intently.
‘Worried,’ I admitted. I didn’t want to compare Ethan to Joe but it was hard not to. When I first started seeing Joe, I overthought everything, and now I knew part of the problem was he wasn’t fully in it like I thought he was. I was always worried I wasn’t what he wanted. With Ethan, it was different. He made me feel like I might be exactly what he wanted. That was a crazy feeling so soon though.
Isn’t it?
Ethan mulled my words over and nodded. ‘I get that. I’ve felt that way too. It’s hard when you take a leap with someone but you don’t really know if they have taken that same leap. So, let’s be honest with each other, yeah? Tell each other how we are feeling, what we want… and don’t rush. Wait until we’re both ready. Until we both know what we want.’
I smiled. I knew that was the right thing to do but I also knew after what had just happened, it wouldn’t be easy. Ethan was making me feel things I had always wanted to feel. And it had come when I was at my lowest point. My mind was having trouble keeping up with the sudden turn my heart was making. That Ethan was encouraging it to make. ‘Okay. But just as you know, I want more.’ I flopped down on the pillow beside him, contentment flowing through my body.
Ethan looked across at me, his eyes dark. ‘Good. So do I.’
A thrill of anticipation ran through me at the thought of what would happen between us if we let ourselves take our clothes off. It was like I’d been asleep but Ethan was waking me up. And I didn’t want to have to close my eyes again.