Chapter 31
31
The next few days were spent in a writing haze.
I worked all the hours I could and it helped to stop me thinking about Ethan and Paris. But once I finished for the day, I lay awake in bed remembering our kisses and touches, and the look on his face when he saw me with Joe. It haunted me. I kept wondering what would have happened if Joe hadn’t turned up in Paris like he had done.
And then my furniture I had bought with Ethan arrived. I put my new writing desk by the window in my living room so I could look out at the river view while I wrote. It fitted in perfectly.
‘I love it,’ Carly said when she came round to work with me on a bright Monday morning. There were signs that spring was on its way to the city, and I couldn’t wait. The winter had been such a long one. ‘You found such gems in Paris.’
I nodded as I looked at it. ‘I did. Ethan knew some really great places. I told him this flat didn’t feel like home yet so he took me out and helped me arrange to ship this all over. ’
Carly looked across at me. ‘Sounds like he cared about you, Tessa.’
‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But it was too complicated. And I messed up by kissing Joe. I don’t think he’d ever forgive that. And even if he could, we live in different cities.’ I shrugged but I was sad that he wouldn’t know how good the furniture looked in my flat. ‘It’s really starting to feel like home,’ I added, looking around.
‘It really does.’ Carly curled up with her laptop on my sofa to start work while I sat down at my new desk and opened up my manuscript. ‘How’s the book coming now?’ she called over.
‘Good, I think. My characters are just on a romantic night standing by the Seine looking up at the sparkling Eiffel Tower. It might be time for their first kiss.’ I started to write. My leading lady had been on a journey since arriving in Paris, realising that even though she had believed love was over forever, it was right there in front of her again if she had the courage to open her heart to it.
That was the thing about love. You could try to run or hide from it but it would always be there waiting until you were ready. This man beside me was the last thing I expected to find in Paris.
But I had found him.
But somehow, more than that, I had realised what I wanted out of my life. I had decided to follow my dream of moving to my favourite city. To start over. To listen to my gut. To open my heart to possibility.
So, most of all, I had realised I needed to love myself. I had found me. And that was a love story that would never end.
As we kissed under the glow of the Eiffel Tower, I knew whatever happened between us, I would be okay and I would not run away from love ever again. Because this moment was worth all the heartache that had come before Paris. And I wanted to be, I deserved to be, happy.
‘Tessa, are you okay? You’re crying,’ Carly said, alarmed.
I looked over at her in surprise. I reached up and touched a tear that was rolling down my cheek. ‘I hadn’t realised. What I was writing did it. I think I finally see why I was attracted to Joe, why I stayed when I knew deep down it wasn’t the right relationship… I think I didn’t believe I deserved the kind of love I write about. That I didn’t love myself enough to walk away from him. I thought I wasn’t good enough, you know? Maybe I’ve always thought that a little bit.’
‘Why?’ Carly asked, looking shocked.
‘I’ve always felt kind of different; you know how much I overthink and worry and how I live in these fantasy worlds I create – my imagination overworks a lot. I hate wearing dresses or doing housework, I hate cooking, I’m not sure I want to be wife or a mother, but instead of accepting that about myself, of loving who I am, I kept trying to earn the approval and love of these men the world sees as ideals. Because maybe then I would finally fit in and be accepted and be the kind of woman I’m supposed to be. But now I realise I can only be myself. And that’s okay.’
‘Of course it’s okay, it’s more than okay. You’re amazing, Tessa. I admire your creativity, your style, your sense of humour, and your loyalty. You have been such a good friend to me. I had no idea you didn’t feel accepted. You’ve always been accepted by me.’ She got up from the sofa to come over to my desk and pulled me into her arms. ‘I love you for exactly who you are. So does Luke. And all your friends in Paris. And what about your readers? They love your stories. You make people feel better with your words. You inspire people. When I thought I might be pregnant, I called you instead of telling my husband first!’
I chuckled through my tears. ‘Thank you.’
‘Thank you . You’re my best mate and you deserve everything. You are more than good enough, you’re the best.’
I hugged her tightly. ‘So are you.’
‘I’ve always seen exactly who you are and I love you.’
I nodded. ‘I love you too.’
Loving myself was the first step in letting go of my fears. Because if you loved yourself and realised you deserved love then it didn’t matter if someone walked away from you like Joe had done. They weren’t the right person for you. You would be okay. Because you knew you were good enough. Relationships would come and go, people too, like Carly had said, but you always had yourself.
‘Let’s go out for dinner and celebrate your book, and you, and us,’ Carly said, gesturing to her stomach. ‘We’ve been working so hard, we deserve it.’
I grinned. ‘Okay, I like that idea.’
‘Where do you fancy? We’ll get Luke to take us; it can be his treat.’
‘Poor Luke.’ I thought about it. I knew that I needed to forget my time in Paris with Ethan but I was still so curious about him. What was he doing in Paris? Did he think about me? What was happening with him and Juliette? I kept going to message her but I knew she’d talk about Ethan, and I was worried how that would make me feel. But I could do something they wouldn’t know about. ‘Why don’t we try Bon Appétit?’
Carly frowned. ‘Isn’t that where Ethan works?’
‘Ethan is in Paris.’ Joe had said the plan was for Ethan to quit working in the London restaurant and work at Juliette’s Cinq while they got their own restaurant going. ‘I’d like to try his dishes there. See where he worked. I don’t know, it just seems fitting after writing this scene.’ I thought about my first kiss with Ethan in Paris. It had been incredible. There was no doubt he was inspiring my novel even though he was miles away right now.
‘As long as it doesn’t upset you. I could go for fancy French food. I’ll book us a table.’
I wondered if I should tell Ethan I was going to eat there, but we’d had no contact since that last day in Paris so I chickened out. Maybe I would tell him what I thought after the meal instead.
That evening, I pulled on my outfit – leather-look leggings, a striped T-shirt – and sat on my bed to do my makeup. I curled my hair and put in a pair of hoop earrings. I stepped into my boots and added my black leather jacket before standing in front of the mirror to look at my reflection. If I was honest with myself, I felt confident and pretty. If I had been going out with Joe, I would have felt like I needed to wear a dress and that would have made me feel uncomfortable, so I would have spent most of the evening watching the clock for when I could be home and relaxed again. I wished I had realised those feelings were not something to ignore. I wished I had realised he wasn’t making me feel good about myself. But I had stuck my head in the sand, telling myself he was the kind of man any woman would want to be with. I just forgot to make sure that I wanted to be with him.
I was determined not to make that same mistake again. My phone beeped telling me my Uber was here, so I grabbed my coat and bag, then headed out and jumped in the car for the short drive to Bon Appétit .
As soon as I walked in, I instantly knew the restaurant Ethan worked at was very different to Juliette’s family’s place in Paris. There were round, white tableclothed tables, a cream carpet and pale chairs with white walls and a chandelier hanging from the ceiling. The glasses sparkled and the cutlery was polished to perfection. There was a pianist in the corner. We were led to our table by a straight-faced waiter dressed all in black. It all felt perfect but almost cold. Whereas Juliette’s family’s restaurant, Cinq, had felt warm and I had been welcomed like an old friend.
Carly and Luke waved to me from the table they were already seated at close to the window and near to the kitchen, so I hurried over and after we’d hugged, I joined them.
The waiter came over and took our drinks order and suggested we try the tasting menu, which we all went for. I looked at it, wishing I knew exactly which dishes Ethan would have created or would have been preparing for us in the kitchen had he been here.
‘I’m starving,’ Carly said. ‘I hope we get big portions.’
‘I think it might be too fancy for that,’ Luke told her.
‘Joe told Ethan this place was too fancy for me, which was why he never brought me here,’ I said then.
Luke stared at me. ‘Why?’
‘I think he thought Ethan might tell me about Rachel if I spent too much time with him,’ I said.
‘What a dick,’ Carly said. ‘I hope neither you nor Ethan have to see him again.’
‘I definitely won’t but he and Ethan have been best friends for so long, I wonder…’ I trailed off as I heard someone behind me say Ethan’s name. I turned around to see the waiter telling the table they could pass the compliments to their chef himself.
Following his gaze, I saw the kitchen’s double doors swing open .
My breath caught in my throat as a man came out and headed for the table behind us, a smile wide on his face, his blue eyes catching in the lights.
‘Oh my God,’ I said.
‘What’s wrong?’ Luke asked as Carly twisted in her seat to see who I was staring in shock at.
‘Ethan’s here,’ I said, frozen as I watched him walk past our table without noticing me to speak to the people wanting to compliment him. I blinked, doubting my eyes, but there he was. Just a few feet away from me.
Ethan wasn’t in Paris after all.
‘Ethan?’ Carly cried.
She said his name so loudly, he heard and turned to look over at our table. His eyes found mine and our gazes locked, the shock on his face mirroring mine as he registered that I was in his restaurant.
Before either of us said anything, the kitchen doors opened again, and out came Juliette. She saw me instantly. ‘Tessa!’ she said, stopping short. She looked over at Ethan then back at me. ‘ Quelle surprise .’
That’s an understatement.