Chapter 30
30
I jumped into the lift and went downstairs, hurrying through the lobby until I was back out in the fresh air again. I slumped against the wall outside and closed my eyes. My hands were shaking. I had told Joe exactly what I thought. I wasn’t sure I had ever really done that with anyone before, particularly people who had hurt or upset me or treated me less than I’d deserved. It was kind of exhilarating. I had spent so much time in this sad limbo but going to Paris had snapped me out of it, and I knew I couldn’t let myself go back there. I had to carry on facing everything.
I started walking towards where Carly and Luke lived. They had been sure that Paris would help to heal me. It had helped me close a chapter of my life. My six months with Joe and the damage they had done, the way I had lost sight of who I was and what I wanted, and the hurt I had felt when we had ended. Paris had shown me that I would get back to myself. It wouldn’t happen overnight, I still had scars on my heart, but I had let go of Joe for good. And I would find myself again.
When I reached their flat, I knocked nervously, hoping Carly would be pleased to see me. We hadn’t spoken since she questioned me staying in Paris, apart from exchanging a message, and I missed her.
Carly opened the door and did a double take. ‘Tessa! What the hell?’ She broke into a wide smile and grabbed me, pulling me into her arms.
‘I’m back,’ I said, clinging on to my best friend gratefully.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I was too scared to.’
She pulled back and frowned. ‘Why? Come in! This sounds like a wine chat but we got rid of all alcohol in the flat so is tea okay?’
‘Perfect.’ I went on through and sat down on the sofa while Carly made us both a cup of tea. Luke was out at work, she said, and she had been trying to work herself but had been thinking about me.
‘And then you turn up!’ she said, joining me on the sofa, handing me a cup of tea and nursing one herself. ‘I missed your face,’ she said.
‘Me too. I’m sorry about our call in Paris. I know you were only looking out for me. And I should have listened.’
‘And I should butt out unless you ask my advice. I’m sorry too.’
‘How are you? How’s everything with the baby?’ I asked her.
‘Good, I think. I have a doctor’s appointment later this week. I’m so excited but it is a weird feeling. Like abstract?’ She looked down. ‘I forget there is someone growing inside me sometimes. I suppose it’ll be more real when I get a bump or feel it kicking. If all goes smoothly, of course.’
‘You guys will make wonderful parents. You both have basically parented me since we were teenagers.’
She laughed. ‘We used to joke you were like our little sister even though we’re all the same age. Dreamers need practical people to help them navigate life while they are dreaming.’
I smiled. ‘I’m glad I’ve always had you both. And I can’t wait to be an auntie. You know I’ve always been unsure about my own feelings about motherhood but I’ll be right by your side for your journey.’
‘Good. Because I have a feeling there will be a lot of freak-outs, I warn you now.’
‘Noted. I’m so happy for you guys,’ I told her.
Carly eyed me over her mug. ‘I feel like you’re trying to get me to forget that you’ve just suddenly come back from Paris. What happened, Tessa?’
I took a breath. ‘Okay. Well…’ I launched into the full story. Everything that had happened between me and Ethan, and then Joe turning up and Ethan seeing us kiss.
‘Oh my God, Tessa!’ Carly cried. ‘I’m really trying not to give unsolicited advice any more but…’ She grimaced.
‘I didn’t tell you because I knew what you would say. But for a moment, I was tempted to go back with Joe,’ I admitted. ‘Ethan walked away from me in Paris, and I doubt I’ll see him again. I just felt lost and Joe was saying all the right things. I was so hurt when we broke up. But being in his flat just now, I realise I don’t feel that way any more. I still hate that I gave him six months but I’m glad that’s all I gave him. It would have been a mistake to try again.’
Carly nodded vehemently. ‘I hate that you even gave him six months. You’ve made the right decision. But I’m sorry about Ethan. You really don’t think you’ll see him again?’
‘He wants to open a restaurant in Paris. And his face when he saw me kissing Joe…’ I shuddered at the memory. ‘Plus, I think you were right. It all moved so quickly; maybe I was making the sa me mistake of jumping in and being impulsive. I don’t know if I trust my heart right now.’
‘You have a really good heart though, Tessa. Well, despite how it ended, I can see Paris has been good for you. You seem more confident and decisive. I don’t think you would ever have said those things to Joe before.’
I thought about that. ‘That’s true. I do feel good that I was finally able to tell him what I think about him. And you know, I’ve never been good at telling people what I think. I always think years later of things I could have or should have said!’
‘Yes,’ she said, nodding furiously as she sipped her tea.
‘For once, I said exactly what I wanted to say. Maybe if Joe had turned up here before I went to Paris, maybe he would have charmed me or convinced me to try again. But I don’t know, after these past few days, I guess I have more perspective. I realised that I never felt like myself when I was with Joe. He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.’
‘He’s the one who isn’t good enough,’ she scoffed.
I smiled. ‘I realised I’d much rather be single than be with someone who doesn’t love me for who I am, you know?’
‘Amen to that!’ Carly looked regretful. ‘Maybe I was too hard on this Ethan. If this is the effect he’s had on you…’
‘He did make me feel like he really saw me, that he liked me for who I am. He even read one of my books. Something Joe never did.’ I shook my head. ‘I need to see it though for what it was – just a lovely few days. Paris helped heal me when I needed it. Now, I need to focus on writing my book and moving on.’
‘I guess so,’ Carly said. ‘How is the book going?’
‘I’ve finally written a few chapters, and I think it could be good. But there is no way I’ll make my deadline so I’m going to go and see my editor and tell her everything. I’ve been putting it off for far too long.’ I reached out and touched Carly’s arm. ‘Thank you, and Luke, for convincing me to go to Paris. It didn’t end the way I was hoping, maybe, but you’re right – I do feel different now.’
Carly smiled. ‘I’m glad. Want me to come to your publishers for moral support?’
‘No, it’s fine. I can do it. I just hope they don’t give up on me.’ I leaned back against her sofa. ‘It’s crazy to think I was worried I wouldn’t be able to write again. I can’t believe I let Joe do that to me.’
‘Don’t beat yourself up. I always knew it would be a temporary block. You are a writer. You can’t give that up. Especially not for a man.’
I smiled. ‘I’m glad I have you in my corner.’
‘Always.’
‘Me too, okay?’
‘I know that,’ Carly assured me. She patted her stomach. ‘We’ll need you around a lot.’
‘Same. I need you making me tea and passing me biscuits to get this book finished.’
‘Deal.’
If you can tell Joe to go and fuck himself, you can tell Gita you need an extension on a deadline.
That was my inner pep talk as I approached my publisher’s office from the Tube. I looked up at the tall, sleek modern building that housed Turn the Pages with a mixture of nerves and resignation. I knew that I should have talked to Gita way before now. I hoped she wouldn’t be too disappointed in me but if she was, it was time to face the music.
I walked into the office and got into the lift to go up to the floor my publishers had in the building. It opened to show the reception area complete with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. Feeling like a fraud when I saw my titles they had published amongst the books on there, I greeted the receptionist and asked to see my editor. Gita soon strode out wearing an elegant suit, her dark hair in a sleek bun.
‘Tessa, what a lovely surprise,’ she said, kissing me on the cheek. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Do you have time to talk, please?’
‘Of course. Let’s go into the boardroom.’ She led me through the double doors and across their open-plan office. I recognised most of the faces and waved and smiled at people that I passed. I spotted Stevie on the phone at her desk by the window, who mouthed she would come and see me in a minute. I nodded, hoping she would still want to speak to me once she found out I would be missing my deadline.
Gita stood back to let me go into the boardroom in front of her and I turned down her offer of coffee, so we sat down at one end of the long table. ‘What’s wrong, Tessa?’ she asked, studying me from the chair opposite.
I took a deep breath. ‘I haven’t exactly been truthful about where I am with the new book.’
She took a beat to respond. ‘Okay. Where are you with it?’
‘I’ve only just started it.’
I watched her eyebrows shoot up.
‘Let me explain…’ I quickly told her the story as briefly as I could. Everything that had happened with Joe, us breaking up and me having to find a new flat in a hurry then me finding myself in the midst of writer’s block. ‘Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do was to write about two people falling in love.’
‘Well, I get that. I’m sorry, Tessa, that’s such a horrible thing to go through. I understand why it’s been hard for you to write. I wish you had told me what was going on; I wouldn’t have pushed you for a synopsis or got Stevie to set up the book tour. I know now though so what are you thinking about it?’
‘As you know, I went to Paris and it really helped.’
A look of relief passed over her face.
‘I have started writing. I still think the idea I sent you has legs. A woman thinking she hates love but Paris opens her heart again.’
‘I love the idea,’ Gita agreed enthusiastically. ‘And it sounds like you can use your trip as inspiration. You seem so much… calmer than when I last saw you.’
‘I do?’
‘You were rushing off to meet your boyfriend and you seemed, I don’t know, nervous. Now I know why.’
I let that sink in. I supposed I had never felt comfortable in my skin during our six months together. ‘You are right. I thought I had lost my hope in love, but I am not going to let Joe ruin romance for me. I love writing love stories and even if I’m not in love right now, even if I don’t find my own happy ever after, I can still write one. I love reading romance whether I’m single or not, so I can write it whether I’m single or not too. Joe did leave me feeling bitter, I’m not going to lie, but I can use that for the start of this book.’ I unwittingly thought about Ethan. ‘Plus, Paris was a huge inspiration. Going there really helped me. I am sorry that I will need more time though as I’ve only got a few chapters down.’
Gita nodded. ‘Of course. I always make sure my deadlines have room for life emergencies and it sounds to me like this could be a perfect Valentine’s Day book. Let me talk to the team but if we move publication from the autumn to early in the New Year, that will give you time to write the first draft and we can do lots of activity around Valentine’s for it. What do you think? ’
My face almost cracked from how widely I smiled at her. ‘Oh, Gita, I’m so relieved. I thought you’d tell me you didn’t want to publish me any more.’
‘Tessa,’ she admonished. ‘As if! You’re one of our most talented and popular authors. We need to do some juggling, sure, but I’d much rather that than we publish something neither of us are fully happy with. Your fans will wait. I think this could be even bigger than your last book. And you’re in luck: Deborah Day has sent in her book early so she can take your slot and the autumn tour. I’ll speak to Stevie about it.’ Gita stood up. ‘I’ll be back in a bit.’
I sank back into the chair as she went out and five minutes later, Stevie came into the boardroom. She was a gorgeous blonde who always wore a headband and a smile.
‘Stevie!’ I jumped up as she hurried around the table and we hugged warmly. ‘You look so happy,’ I said, without envy because she was lovely and deserved to be happy.
She pushed back her hair, flashing the large diamond ring on her left hand. ‘I really am, I can’t lie. On that note, I had something for you but Gita just told me everything…’ She shook her head. ‘Can I be frank and say that Joe is a complete dick? How could he do that to you?’
‘Thank you,’ I said with a chuckle. ‘And you’re right, he is. I’m so much better off without him. He showed up in Paris to try to get me back.’
Stevie’s eyes widened.
‘I know. I told him there was no way.’
‘Good,’ she said firmly. ‘He doesn’t deserve you. I’m sorry he’s made writing so hard. But I love your new idea and I think it’ll be brilliant. And actually, I think moving to February is a much better plan; I just told Gita that.’
‘I’m so relieved. I was so nervous to tell you all. ’
‘You know us, we care about our authors, we want you to produce your best work and we want to sell it as best we can,’ Stevie said.
‘Great. Thank you. So, what did you have for me?’ I asked.
‘Well, it doesn’t feel appropriate now but I have an invitation…’ she said slowly, biting her lip.
‘For your wedding?’ I reached out and grabbed it from her hand. ‘You don’t need to hide that. Oh my God!’ I looked at the fancy cream envelope. Stevie got engaged to Noah last year. I was touched they had invited me.
‘We really want you to come,’ she said as I opened it. ‘I put a plus one on there.’
‘You’re getting married in autumn,’ I said, seeing the date.
‘Our favourite season,’ she confirmed with a smile. ‘There is so much to do but I’m so excited. We have a bridesmaid fitting later. Gita and Emily from here, of course, Liv, and Georgina who used to work with Noah.’
‘Oh, tell Liv I am really enjoying reading her book,’ I said.
‘You two should get coffee sometime. I’ll pass on your details to her.’
‘That would be great.’ I put her invite in my bag. ‘I’ll be there, Stevie; I can’t wait. You will make a stunning bride and I know you two will be really happy together.’
She grabbed me for another hug. ‘Thank you, Tessa. I was so scared to trust Noah with my heart again but I’m so happy I did. You’ll meet someone who will make it easy to trust them, I know it.’ Stevie and Noah had dated before he broke up with her so when she started working here, she was stunned to find he was her new boss and wanted her back.
My mind flitted to Ethan. Maybe if we had trusted each other more, we might have had a chance .
Gita returned to join us. ‘What are you still doing here, Tessa? You need to get writing,’ she said, but she was smiling.
‘You’re right.’ I picked up my bag and looked at them. ‘I really do appreciate you moving things for me. I promise I’ll write you a brilliant book.’
‘I would never doubt that,’ Gita said.
‘You’ve got this,’ Stevie added.
I left them feeling much more confident and so happy I had been honest with them. As I left the office, I wished I could tell Ethan what had happened. He had been so encouraging of me writing again. He would be rooting for me right now. But then I remembered our goodbye by the river and shook my head. It was so hard to think that was our last conversation. I would remember his final words to me for a long time.
We’ll always have Paris.
And then it hit me.
That was the perfect title for my novel.