Chapter 29
29
We arrived in London at dusk. Predictably, it was raining in my home city, a far cry from the spring-like day I’d left behind me in Paris. I hoped it wasn’t a bad omen. Joe needed to see his father so he suggested that I go round to his flat in the morning and we’d have brunch. I felt almost in a trance as I agreed to it and let him give me a quick kiss on the lips. I didn’t feel anything when his lips touched mine, but I told myself I was just shattered from such a long day and all the upheaval, not to mention the train journey. Joe put me in a taxi with my things and I exhaled heavily as I was finally left alone.
The taxi took me from St Pancras to my flat in Putney. We drove over the bridge and I looked at the familiar River Thames welcoming me home. The rain was coming down in sheets by the time we reached my building. I paid the driver and rushed inside, but I was soaked when I walked through the door.
I propped up my suitcase and switched on the lights in the living room. I’d found this flat in a mad panic after moving out of Joe’s. Carly and Luke had wanted me to move into theirs, but they had one bedroom and I didn’t want them to deal with my heartbreak more than they were already. I’d taken the first flat I’d found that wasn’t extortionate rent. It was further out in London than I’d ever lived but it was close to the river. I could hear birdsong here and not just traffic and the view out of the small window in the living room showed trees and not just buildings as far as the eye could see.
I looked around now. I’d barely done anything other than unpack my things. It hadn’t been furnished and I had only bought the bare minimum to make it liveable. So it felt empty compared to the Paris Airbnb and Juliette’s place. I opened up my case and pulled out the print Ethan had got me and the things I had bought with him in Paris. I would have to wait a while for the furniture that was being shipped. I carried everything through and placed it in the living room, and instantly it felt homelier.
I put the chess set on my coffee table with a heavy heart. It inevitably reminded me of Ethan, and playing our games in the Airbnb together.
I won’t have anyone to play chess with now.
My phone beeped then and I checked to see an email had come through from Gita, my editor. An uneasy feeling spread through me as I read it.
Hi Tessa,
Just checking in as we get close to your deadline. How’s the book coming? Do you have a title for me yet? I’m excited to read it. I hope you had a fabulous trip. Let me know…
All the best,
Gita.
‘Oh God,’ I said aloud to my empty flat. I had no idea what she would say when I confessed I only had a few chapters written. I had been hoping to get more done on my extended stay in Paris but now I was home, I didn’t know how well I would be able to write. After all, I had been so stuck before I went away.
Telling myself I would deal with everything tomorrow, I went into my bedroom. In theory, it was far too early to go to bed but I needed to change after getting wet in the rain, so it made sense to pull on my pjs. I was tired, it was dark and my flat had nothing in so I let myself crawl under the covers and block it all out for just one more night.
The following morning, I decided to walk to Joe’s flat even though it took about an hour. I picked up a takeaway tea on the way. The morning was dry but breezy, but I needed that to clear my head. I had slept for hours and I felt bleary-eyed today.
It had been a crazy twenty-four hours.
One minute, I had been homeware shopping with Ethan and scared that Carly was right and I was rushing into things with him, then Joe had turned up and everything had changed. Ethan would be waking up ready to start making plans with Juliette for their restaurant in Paris while I was here in London walking to meet my ex who wanted me back. Definitely something I hadn’t seen coming.
I approached Joe’s building with caution. I had moved in there in such a hurry when I’d had to leave my flat suddenly.
‘You’re moving in with him?’ Carly and Luke had exchanged an uneasy look when I had gone round to tell them Joe had asked me to stay at his.
‘I know it’s quick…’
‘How well can you know someone after only six weeks?’ Carly said .
‘It does feel quite sudden,’ Luke added, more diplomatically.
‘I’m happy,’ I had replied. I was so head over heels for Joe that I didn’t want to listen to my friends. If anything, I felt kind of smug that I’d had a whirlwind romance whereas theirs was a stable, comfortable relationship. Looking back, that was one of the only times Carly had given me unsolicited advice, and I’d ignored it. The second time was being worried about me staying in Paris with Ethan in case I rushed into something for the second time and ended up with a broken heart again.
As I looked up at the building I had shared with Joe for six months, I knew Carly would be even more worried about this. This time, I wouldn’t be surprised by her worry. I would expect it. And that was why I hadn’t told her yet. I knew deep down that hiding something from your best friend because you knew they wouldn’t approve meant you knew it wasn’t quite right. But I remembered how upset I had been when I saw Joe with Rachel, how much I had loved him and wanted him to love me the same. I had felt so rejected that night but now Joe wanted me again.
Two months ago, I would have been desperate for this reunion. But today, I hesitated on the doorstep before ringing his flat and being buzzed in. I got in the lift and went up to his top-floor flat, the door swinging open before I could knock.
‘There you are,’ he said, stepping back to let me inside, closing the door behind us. Then he reached for me, pulling me towards him and pressing his lips against mine.
The same thing happened again as it had in Paris. I leaned in for a moment and returned the kiss, but then I didn’t know if I wanted it or not. Luckily, he kept it brief and pulled away with a grin.
‘Welcome home,’ Joe said.
I looked around. The flat was unchanged since I was last in it. With my things gone, it was as if I had never been here. I’d lived here for six months but he hadn’t changed anything except giving me a drawer and part of his wardrobe. It was all plush carpet, white walls, leather furniture and gadgets. The ultimate bachelor pad. I’d said nothing about it though. I hadn’t tried to make my mark on it. But instead of that making him want me more, he had let me leave.
‘I’ve ordered us brunch; I thought we probably would want to stay in and talk… and make up,’ Joe said, throwing me a grin. ‘I ordered from our favourite place.’
He meant his favourite place, of course. I walked over to the island where brunch was laid out along with glasses of Bucks Fizz. I ignored his comment about making up. I definitely wasn’t ready for anything like that. I had only recently been in someone else’s arms. I told myself to stop thinking about Ethan, but it was so hard when I looked at the brunch and knew that Ethan could have cooked me something even more delicious himself.
‘Oh, and I got you something…’
I turned to see Joe bringing over a box. He laid it on the island and opened it up. Peering inside, my heart sank to see a silky black dress inside.
‘So I can take you out tonight somewhere fancy.’
‘With your father?’ I asked, looking away from the dress, knowing I would hate having to wear it.
‘Huh?’ Joe sat at one of the stools and took a sip of Bucks Fizz. ‘Sit. It’s getting cold.’
I slid onto the stool next to him but knew even though I hadn’t had dinner, I wouldn’t be able to eat anything; it all just felt… off. I felt off being here again. I looked around. It had never felt like home, I realised now. ‘I just wondered if I’d meet your family now you’re not with Rachel. They can know about me now, right?’
Joe shifted on the stool. ‘Sure, at some point. But we both want it to just be us for a while, right? Make up for the time we lost…’ He reached over and squeezed my thigh. ‘You’ll look so hot in that dress tonight, baby, and then you can stay over. I missed you in our bed.’
‘This is all moving too fast. You only just told me you missed me,’ I said, feeling a bit panicked at how he seemed to think we would just go back to how we were two months ago before I knew about Rachel.
‘What more is there to say?’ Joe asked.
‘Well, what about Rachel?’
‘What about her?’ He sighed as if annoyed.
‘You still work with her. What if she wants you back?’
‘She doesn’t,’ Joe said. ‘Can we stop talking about her?’ He was tucking into the brunch like this conversation didn’t matter.
I was feeling increasingly like I shouldn’t be here. ‘Hang on,’ I said. ‘What did Rachel say when she found out about me? She saw me pour that wine over you…’ I glanced at my glass of Bucks Fizz.
Joe sighed. ‘She ended it. But only because she could see I was still in love with you…’
‘When?’
‘A couple of weeks ago.’
‘So, you came to Paris because she dumped you; you wouldn’t have done otherwise?’ I asked, it all becoming clear. Joe didn’t want me over Rachel; he just didn’t want to end up with no one.
Joe reached for me. ‘Baby, I’m your romantic hero, remember?’
It would be so easy to crawl back into his arms, but I realised looking at Joe, I was wrong. Paris had changed me. I no longer fit in his arms or his flat, if I ever really ever had done in the first place. Which I didn’t think I had .
I pulled away from him. ‘A romantic hero doesn’t hide his heroine away like he’s ashamed of her; he makes her feel loved and wanted and special, he cares about her, is kind to her and takes an interest in her life and the people she loves, and he sure as hell doesn’t lie or cheat or be a complete coward who can’t tell his family who he really loves.’
Joe’s eyes widened in shock at my outburst. ‘I told you I missed you.’
‘But did you really miss me? Because you make me feel like I’m not good enough for you.’ I jumped up off my stool and pointed to the dress he had bought me. ‘Why did you buy me this?’
‘Because you’ll look hot in it,’ he said.
‘But you know I hate wearing dresses.’
‘We can’t go to this fancy restaurant with you looking casual like that,’ Joe said, gesturing to my outfit of jeans, a thin jumper and boots.
There it is.
‘You always want to change who I am but these past few days in Paris, I’ve realised that I quite like who I am. And other people like her too.’
Joe frowned. ‘God, you’re not talking about Ethan, are you? He was only with you to screw me over. He’s always wanted what I have. He’s so jealous of me, it’s pathetic. He doesn’t give a shit about you, Tessa. He didn’t want you to stay in Paris, did he?’
I flinched, his words hurting me. ‘Even if that’s true, I don’t want to be with you.’ I said the words quickly before I could stop myself. Ethan had shown me what being with someone who liked the real me could be like. I didn’t want to go back to something with Joe and end up feeling crap about myself again. It had taken leaving Paris and losing Ethan to make me see that I’d rather be alone than feel second best like Joe made me feel .
I wasn’t sure who my romantic hero was in real life, but I knew for sure – it wasn’t Joe.
I moved away from the island, further from him. ‘I was so broken when I found out about Rachel. I felt like I couldn’t write romance any more. You made me question love and happy endings and whether I could ever find a relationship in real life like the ones I write in my books. You made me not want to write about love any more. I thought you breaking my heart meant it was all bullshit. But I am not letting you ruin love and romance and relationships for me any more. And I sure as hell am not going to let you ruin my career for me either.’ I took a deep breath and looked him right in the eyes. ‘We are over, Joe. For good.’
Joe let out a laugh. ‘Well, good luck finding a man to put up with you, Tessa. And listen to you talk about your nonsense career. Your books are worthless. Silly, girly books about love. It’s embarrassing. Maybe I did you a favour if you can’t write them now – give it up and get a proper job.’
I stared at him. I had no idea how I had believed myself to be in love with a man who thought so little of me and what I did for a living. Who thought so little of anyone but himself.
‘I’m leaving now, Joe.’ I turned around and walked out of his flat and vowed I’d never go back in there again.