Chapter 26
M y sorrows need to be processed alone, far from Lex because I get wrapped up in him and can’t think rationally. That’s why I spend my entire Sunday in my room, trying to make sense of everything while ignoring everyone’s attempts at reaching out to me. I’m so exhausted that I drift in and out of sleep, waking up to new texts and missed calls.
I only picked up three of Lex’s eleven calls. I texted him as I was leaving, telling him I was sorry and needed to be alone, but he was understandably still worried. Tami must have ratted me out because Kate also has been trying to call me for the past hour. My abuela called for our weekly talk, but I let it go to voicemail and then told her I was busy, but I’d call her sometime this week.
Eventually, I’ll get over all of this and accept my fate, but at the moment, I can’t really see the end of the depression tunnel. I always knew Lex was out of my reach, but I forgot it along the way. It was just sex at first, so it didn’t matter. We were only having fun, which meant I wasn’t risking much. As a long-term relationship, though… We aren’t realistic. He’s from another world, another level, and I’m me. Literally everything about him is extraordinary, and I might be the most average woman I know. We can’t work out.
How can I be enough? Evora is so much more suited for him—ten times the woman I’ll ever be. She’s beautiful, adventurous, generous, confident… and still didn’t make the cut. It isn’t normal that Lex hasn’t grown tired of me already.
Soft knocks come from behind me at some point in the afternoon, and I roll around to face the door. I expect it to be Tami trying to bring me something to eat again, but she isn’t holding a plate this time .
“Don’t shoot the messenger,” she carefully signs, “but Kate asked me to tell you that her threat about screening her calls still holds and that she will get into her car to punch you in the tits.”
I grimace, realizing I won’t escape it. “Sorry, I’m calling her right now.”
Tami leaves with a compassionate smile as I grab my phone. Kate picks up before the first tone is even over.
“Andy, I swear to God, if you weren’t already miserable, I’d scold the living shit out of you. You can’t ignore me like that. I was so worried.”
“How do you even know I’m miserable?”
“Tami told me you’ve been moping in bed all day. What’s happening? What the fuck did he do this time? How hard do I need to break his stupid face?”
I don’t answer right away, trying to figure out where I should even start. I don’t want her to hate Lex again, but I also don’t want to minimize everything so much that she calls me a cretin.
“Deedee, talk to me,” she begs after a moment. “I’d come if I could, but I have this damn case I need to work on, so I really can’t drive there and back.”
“I’m… I’m realizing some things, and it’s making me feel like the world is ending.”
“What things?”
“I’m so stupid for ever thinking we were a good match. I’m me, and he’s so amazing, and great, and gorgeous, and smart…”
“Do you know who else is amazing, great, gorgeous, and smart?”
“I’m not at his level, blondie.”
“Where is this coming from? Last time we talked, you two were madly in love. What happened?”
“I—I learned he was briefly married to the most perfect woman on this planet. Like, I’m not even exaggerating.”
“Wow, what?! And he told you on his birthday?”
“Actually, his mother did.”
“You met his mother ?”
“I met the whole Coleman gang except his father.”
“Wait, hold on. Can you give me some context? I’m so lost right now.”
After a sigh, I tell her about his family’s surprise visit, the dinner, and his mom dropping the bomb on me. I also tell her about the argument we had afterward, but I don’t mention the toxic sex. Then I explain how he came to get me in my car, and how he took such tender care of me before holding me in his arms as he answered all my questions.
“Okay, first of all, his mother sounds like such a bitch,” Kate says once I’m done. “Second, I can’t believe he hid the fact that he was married before,” she says once I’m done, shocked.
“I genuinely think it wasn’t deceitful. That brief marriage doesn’t matter to him, so he didn’t see the point in sharing it with me. I’m more annoyed by the fact that he was with her for four years, and she meant nothing to him. I mean, I practically fell in love with Evora Campbell reading about her. And he’s known her since they were kids but didn’t love her?! She’s literally perfect, Kate!”
“No one’s actually perfect. Though I’m checking her Insta right now, and that woman is gorgeous , what the fuck?”
“See?! That’s what I mean! He tapped that for four years! How can he be content fucking me for the rest of his life?!”
“Looks aren’t everything, babe. Now that I’m looking at what she does, I think I knew about her, but I never actually looked into her? She seems super involved in a lot of great things.”
“You’re really not helping, Kate.”
“Oh, wow, did you know she was in an episode of Shark Week? To spread awareness about the massive extinction they’re facing. She swam with a bunch of them. God, they’re huge! She’s such a badass.”
“I’m going to hang up now because you’re making me feel worse.”
“Yeah, I don’t know what to tell you, Deedee. She’s perfect, and you’re fucked. Might as well call Lex and break up with him right now,” she says in a matter-of-fact tone.
“Katherine, this isn’t funny!”
“Girl, I know you, and I know you’re in one of your moments where you turn into a clam and nothing can get through. You already know all this, but if you want, I can remind you love doesn’t work that way. Lex wasn’t into her, but he’s head over heels for you. So what if she has killer abs? Maybe Lex prefers you and how mushy-squishy you are.”
“‘ Mushy-squishy?’ How dare you?” I protest, offended. No one wants to be that. It isn’t a good thing.
“Well, you told me about your sex life, and I can assure you he fucking adores every part of you. No man would demand that much of a woman if he wasn’t completely obsessed with her.”
I don’t even try to argue with this one. The way Lex worships my body leaves very little doubt about how much he loves it. But wouldn’t he like it even more if I had more boobs? If my stomach didn’t do those rolls when I bend over? If I didn’t have stretch marks on my hips and thighs? Ninety-nine percent of the male population would, so it must apply to him, too. His perception of me is blinded by love, but what happens when he loves me just a little less over time? Will all my unappealing flaws become jarring to him ?
When Kate speaks again, her voice is soft and encouraging. “Andy, the man was already smitten before you two even kissed. I hear your voice when you talk about him, and I saw how your eyes sparkle on our video calls. You two have something very, very special. You can stay in your bedroom to whine, dwell on self-pity, and tell yourself you’re doomed. But you’ve got an amazing man who’s perfect for you and for whom you’re perfect. Who gives a shit about his ex? She’s his past for a reason, and you’re his future for another one.”
“But what if he realizes I’m not that interesting and leaves me? I feel like I somehow cheated my way into his heart, and he’ll realize it any minute.”
“Babe, you’re the most absurdly authentic person I know. He’s perfectly aware of who you are because you’re tragically yourself 24/7. You’re a fiery Latina with a big ass, quick wits, nerdy references, and a sharp tongue, and he loves you for it.”
“But I don’t get why. If I had a choice, I’d pick Evora, not myself. Every single time.”
“Yeah, but you’re you, and he’s him. And he’d pick you every. Single. Time. You have to get out of your head.”
“But I’m so scared I’ll lose him,” I whine.
“Life is scary. Life is unpredictable and unexpected, but we keep going because it’s all worth it in the end. We can’t hold back for fear of the bad that might happen, or else we’ll miss all the good, too. For now, Lex wants you, and you want him. No one can tell how long it will last. Months, years, decades, a lifetime… Who knows? But are you willing to give up on a life with him because he could leave you when he might very well stay?”
I don’t say anything, letting her words sink in. She’s making sense. A lot of it. Even if my chances seem slim at the moment, Lex might want me for the rest of our lives. I’m enough now, and maybe I’ll be enough forever. And if I’m not, then I can work on becoming enough. I’ll never be as flawless as Evora, but I can be better than I am now. For him, I can stop being a food-obsessed sloth and lose a few pounds, get my boobs done, learn how to do my makeup to look better… Whatever he’ll need, I can do it.
“I’ll take your lack of answer as an agreement because I know your stubborn ass would have said something otherwise,” Kate says after a moment. “You’ve had those self-esteem issues since high school, babe, and you have to stop. It’s so frustrating that you don’t see how incredible you are. You think you got lucky with Lex, but trust me, he’s the one who lucked out.”
A skeptical snort comes out of me before I can stop it.
“The hell was that?” she asks .
“A gut reaction to your ridiculous statement.”
“Okay, you’ve done it now. You’ve pissed me off. Time for some words of affirmation.”
“Kate, no,” I protest.
“Too late, bitch. You’re talking shit about my bestie, and I’m not letting that slide. So, repeat after me: ‘I’m beautiful,’” she demands.
I roll my eyes, considering hanging up, but she actually might come and then blame me for being unable to work on her case. So, resigned, I repeat her words. I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m amazing at my job, I’m a boss ass bitch, I’m a great coder, I’m a terrible best friend because I never call…
“You also haven’t been calling,” I remind her. “And in my defense, I was too busy getting railed.”
“What a coincidence! It was the same for me!”
I sit up straight in my bed. “You’re seeing someone?!”
She hesitates only for a moment before she says, “Yes.”
“Is it serious? How long?”
“Don’t be pissed, but it’s been going on for about six weeks.”
“What?! And you didn’t tell me?”
“Well, you did threaten to make the next man I sleep with undergo a whole interview process, so no, I didn’t.”
“Yeah, because I didn’t want you to end up with another asshole. Did you hide him from me because he’s a jerk?”
“I wouldn’t say that, but he isn’t entirely ‘nice’ either. Well, he is with me, but you’d definitely call him a jerk now and then.”
“Okay, baby steps, then. The next one might be entirely nice and not a jerk at all.”
“I’m not sure there will be a next one,” Kate confesses, thrilled.
“Do you think he’s the one?”
“I really don’t know. But he’s different.”
“Good different, or bad different?”
“Different like I’ve never been in love like that before.”
“You’re in love?! Kate, what the genuine fuck?”
“I know, I’m sorry…” she apologetically whimpers. “I wanted to tell you, but you were a mess because of the breakup, and I didn’t want to rub my love life in your face. Then you were in Korea, and then I was busy with my case…”
“Are you actually in love, or is the dick so good you think you love him?”
“Oh, the dick is insanely good, don’t get me wrong. I’ve never orgasmed this hard and much in my life. But I’m genuinely in love, yes. It’s only been fuckboys before him, and he’s a real man. I want the full thing with him. ”
I’m stunned, especially since I can hear in her voice how obsessed she is with this man. We talk for a while longer, and I try to get more information out of her. But she remains evasive, arguing she doesn’t want to jinx it. She promises she’ll introduce us soon, though. Then, we speak about various things, catching up with one another. These past few weeks, we’ve only exchanged texts, Reels, and memes, so it’s good to have an in-depth conversation again.
When I see it’s dark outside, I sigh. “I should probably call Lex,” I tell Kate, feeling guilty about avoiding him all day.
“Don’t tell me you’ve been screening his calls, too.”
“I kinda have, yes. I was really feeling like shit. Thank you for shaking some sense into me.”
“Wait until you’ve received the bill to thank me. Two and a half hours… I’m expensive as fuck now.”
“Then don’t count on me next time your laptop catches a trojan horse from accidentally clicking on an ad while watching porn,” I humor back.
“You promised you wouldn’t bring that one up again!”
“I was always going to!”
“Don’t you have your man to call instead of arguing with me?”
Our banter lasts a few more seconds, but we eventually wish each other a good evening and hang up. I immediately call Lex, feeling better than I have all day. He picks up instantly, and his voice warms me from the inside out.
“Is everything okay?” he worriedly asks. “I’ve been trying to call you for the past two hours.”
“Yes, sorry. I was on the phone with Kate.”
“Are you feeling better?”
“I am, yes. She made some excellent points.”
There’s a moment of silence, and he hesitantly speaks again. “Do you want me to come over?”
His question takes me by surprise. I still feel like shit for leaving in the middle of the night, but he doesn’t seem pissed at me for it. I do want to be with him, but I also don’t want to make him come all the way here because I was a coward and left.
“I don’t want you to feel like you have to,” I reply.
“I want to, freckles. But do you want me to?”
“Of course.”
“Great, this would have been awkward otherwise.”
“What would have—”
Someone knocks on my door, startling me. The panel opens right after, and the tall, broad silhouette that appears isn’t Tami’s.
Lex! He’s here !
Shit, I look like a mess. I spent a good part of the day crying, didn’t shower or brush my hair, and am wearing a sweatshirt I stole from him a while back and yoga pants. I look like a wreck, but his eyes still look at me like I’m the most precious thing in this world.
He’s here. He came for me.
I sit up on the side of my bed as Lex comes in with cautious steps. “Hi,” he greets, awkwardly standing a few feet from me.
“Hi.”
“I’m sorry for coming like this. You weren’t answering, and I wanted to check on you. I know you need time alone, so I was only dropping some food and making sure you were alright.”
“You brought food?”
“Yeah, I didn’t know if you had dinner already, so I got Chinese—some of everything. I gave the bags to Tamika.”
Dear God, this man really is perfect.
“Thank you for that.”
He brings his hands together, cracks a few knuckles, and says, “I’ll leave you guys be.”
“Can’t you stay?” I protest.
“I’m not imposing. You need space, and I respect that.”
Trying not to look like a disgraceful sack of potatoes, I get out of bed and walk up to him. I wrap my arms around his broad torso and hug him, pressing my face into his muscular chest. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“About what?”
“Leaving in the middle of the night. I was… overwhelmed, and I needed to be alone. I should have stayed, but I couldn’t think straight, and I—”
“Andrea, it’s okay,” he interrupts me, making me look up with a tender finger under my chin. “I’m the one who fucked up. I should have told you about Evora.”
“I think I understand why you didn’t,” I say, truthfully. “I still don’t like it, but in a weird, twisted way, I think it’s a good thing.”
“How so?”
“Your marriage with her was so irrelevant to you that you never felt the need to mention it. You told me about being Nammota, which is much bigger than being married for a week.”
He grazes my cheekbone, eyes tender and true as he says, “I promise I would have told you if I’d anticipated any of this, freckles.”
“I believe you.”
He kisses my forehead, his large hand caressing my back. “I’ll leave you alone now. Tami told me you haven’t eaten all day, so please, eat something tonight.”
“Stay to make sure I do,” I negotiate.
There’s a layer of pain in his smile, which reminds me of how much I hurt him, too, with the way I handled all that mess. He nods, and I tighten my hold on him, returning my temple to his chest, inhaling his familiar scent.
Kate was right. I can’t risk a lifetime with this man just because he might leave me one day. I have him for now, and I’ll fight to keep him.
I’m not letting go of the best thing that ever happened to me.
D inner with Andrea and Tamika was a little awkward and very silent. I’m unsure what her roommate knows, but it’s easy to guess that Andrea isn’t doing well because of me. Again.
My little raccoon barely ate anything, which tells me that while she’s on a path of forgiveness, she still isn’t entirely over what happened. I’m eager to leave as soon as we’ve cleaned everything up, but Andrea practically begs me to stay, arguing she owes me a night together for the way she fled my apartment.
When I agree, she hands me an oversized T-shirt from a rock band, a spare toothbrush, and goes off to the bathroom. I shower after her, wrapped in the jasmine scent that lingers in the stall, and then return to her room. She’s ready for bed, putting away a few clothes in her wardrobe.
“Do you have a pair of scissors?” I ask. “I looked in the bathroom, but I couldn’t find one.”
“Yeah. What do you need it for?”
I reach behind my neck, into the collar of the T-shirt. “Is it okay to cut the label? It’s itchy.”
“Oh, sure. I don’t mind.” She fetches a pair of scissors from her desk and then joins me. I lower enough for her to cut it off. “There you go,” she says once it’s done.
She throws it in the bin under her desk, puts the scissors away, and slips into her bed. Once my things are folded on her desk chair, I join her under the covers. Her bed is much smaller than mine, so it’s hard not to touch her. But I manage, lying right at the edge of the mattress. She needs space, so as much as I want to take her in my arms to cuddle, I won’t.
This feels very awkward. The last time I was in her bed, she tied me up on it and drove me insane with her greedy lips and eager throat. Then she rode my face like an Amazon, and I proceeded to make love to her for the first time. Right now, though, the moment feels as cold as the surrounding air.
I don’t even understand why she’d want me in her bed after the way I hurt her. She should keep her distance from me, far enough to make sure I’ll never bring her the kind of pain I did.
“I-I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you,” I say at the dark ceiling. “I never want to see you suffer, but I did, and it’s killing me.”
“I may have overreacted a little. You’ve never given me a reason to doubt your love for me—not since we got back together, at least. But I looked Evora up, and it made me doubt everything. She’s so gorgeous, and I look like a leprechaun.”
“You don’t.”
“Compared to her, I do. Even you said she was very beautiful,” Andrea counters, poorly hiding her jealousy.
“And of all the beautiful women I’ve ever seen, none has ever made my heart speed up like it does every time you enter the room. You’re the most stunning woman there’s ever been, and I adore everything about you. You and Eva are very different, and you can’t keep comparing yourself to her like this.”
“It’s hard not to when her life is so amazing, and she’s been everywhere, and she’s super generous… and I’m just me. I’ve barely done anything with my life, haven’t gone anywhere, can’t swim with sharks, and I’ll never—”
“How is swimming with sharks even relevant?” I interrupt her, confused.
“She did that—it’s on her Instagram. That’s so badass, and I could never do that.”
“Andrea, I wouldn’t let you even if you tried. Sharks are scary fuckers.”
“Most of them aren’t actually dangerous.”
“Yeah, but still. I saw Jaws with Kev when we were kids, and it scared the living shit out of me. I couldn’t be near water for a week—couldn’t even shower.”
She giggles and snuggles against me, pressing her cheek on my chest. There, she’ll hear how my heart goes into a frenzy from that simple gesture, and stop doubting how much I love her. “You really don’t mind if I’m never badass enough to swim with sharks?”
“Of course not. And you’re a badass in your own way.”
“How?”
“You broke a man’s nose,” I remind her.
“I did.”
“And you stood up to your boss when he was being an asshole. ”
“I fucked him, too. Made him beg for it.”
It’s my turn to chuckle. “You did. And you fiercely protect the ones you love. You kick ass at video games. You aren’t scared of speaking your mind. You don’t care what others think… I could go on and on.”
“We’ll settle on me being a milder form of badass, then,” she offers.
“Whatever you call it, you’re my favorite kind of badass. Swimming with sharks is pretentious as shit.”
She laughs softly again and then rises to press her lips on mine. My surprise doesn’t last long and I return her amorous enterprise. We need this, don’t we? To feel the love again, to feel how much we care about one another. It’s slow and poignant, and when she slips her tongue in my mouth, I reach up to tangle my fingers in her messy curls. We kiss for endless minutes in the silence of her room, and I finally feel like I’m not losing her after what I did.
When her slim hand slips under my T-shirt to graze my chest before lowering to slither into my underwear, I stop her with a firm grip. We’re not doing that. Not after how I hurt her yesterday. The way I fucked her against that wall was despicable. I would never have done that to any of the women I’ve been with, but I did it to her… My most precious, most perfect dork. She might have already forgiven me, but I’m far from having forgiven myself.
“Andrea… I can’t,” I counter. “I need more time.”
Although I can barely distinguish her face in the dark, I know she’s flushed when she says, “I-I’m sorry, I thought—”
“It’s alright. I’m not in the mood, that’s all.”
She nods and lies on the bed, turning her back to me. Since she doesn’t seem opposed to us cuddling, and because I would rather avoid falling out of bed during the night, I lie to the side with her and hold her close, molding my body to hers.
“I love you, freckles,” I whisper in her ear.
“Forever?” The desperate hope in her voice pains me. How can she even doubt it?
I kiss the warm skin of her neck and say, “Andrea, I have no doubt about this. I will love you for the rest of my life.”
She relaxes, melting closer to me. I wish I could tear my chest open to hand her my heart so she’d know how entirely devoted I am to her.
But I’ll do the next best thing and show her every day for as long as she lets me.
L ex left. He pulled an Andrea on me and disappeared while I was sleeping. And it really fucking sucks.
But as I stare at the ceiling, I rationalize and tell myself he probably needed to get his stuff to head to work. I was the one who forced him to stay the night, even though he had nothing with him.
It doesn’t have to be because he didn’t want to spend the night here, just like he didn’t want to have sex with me yesterday. But I can’t blame him for that, because I acted like a dramatic bitch, ruining his birthday and making everything so damn awkward with his family. He still loves me, but he’ll need a hot minute to get over the fact that I made everything about me. Looking back at it, it was so immature that I’m actually embarrassed. We have eight and a half years between us, and I’m sure he can feel them more than ever right now.
I’m still sour when I drag myself out of bed, reflecting on my past nocturnal escapes and how he must have felt about them. I promise to never do that again as I slip on a hoodie before exiting my room. I stop in my tracks upon finding Lex and Tami seated on the stools by the high counter.
He’s still here!
Hiding my elation, I quickly join them, all my gloominess suddenly gone. I greet Tami with a smile before giving Lex a quick peck, his hand caressing my hip as he holds me there for an instant.
“I thought you left in the middle of the night,” I tell him.
“And how did that feel?”
“Not great.”
His smile isn’t mocking but indulgent as he says, “Now you know.”
I wince and rise to my toes to give him another small kiss—a weak apology, for sure.
There are all sorts of pastries on the table, as well as freshly mixed smoothies from outside.
“What a great way to start the week,” I say as I sit with them. Because I could lose a few pounds, I tear a cinnamon roll in half and promise myself I won’t eat more than that.
“I woke up early, went home to change, and bought a few things on my way back.”
“Seriously, I never thought I’d ever see my boss bring me breakfast and drive me to work,” Tamika signs with an amused smile. “Sleeping with him was a great idea, Andy. ”
Lex chokes on the coffee he was drinking, and I bite into my half-roll to hide my grin while he coughs it off. Yes, starting an affair with my boss surprisingly turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done. Our road is bumpy and full of obstacles, but I know we can overcome anything as long as we’re together.
Lex is here because he loves me, and I need to embrace that fact. Things will get back to normal soon, and we’ll return to being incredible together.
I’ll make sure of that.