Chapter 27
“ W e finally get to do this,” Mason says as he sits opposite me.
“Again, you mean,” Dakota corrects him.
“Well, with Andy.”
“Weren’t you the one who wanted to try this place?” Mouly asks. She’s from the graphics department with Dakota, and although I’ve shared tables with her during lunch and she was there for Friendsgiving, I’m glad I’ll get to know her better tonight.
I nod, looking around at the fantastic decor. As soon as I saw the Tiki Tiki Bang Bang’s colorful facade, I knew this bar would be amazing. But I’m still blown away, somehow. The bar area is disguised as a Polynesian hut, the tables and chairs have thatched umbrellas or roofs over them, there are fake tropical plants, parrots hanging from the ceiling, a paradise island backdrop behind the karaoke stage… This all looks like the perfect distraction, and I absolutely need it.
“I still can’t believe you guys already came here without me,” I say with a pout, sliding further in so Tami can join me on the cushioned seat.
“About time you joined us on a girls’ night,” Dakota tells me, slightly reprimanding.
“She’s always too busy going out on dates with the boss.”
I wince slightly at that. There are three other girls here with us, also from Kelex, and I’m a little worried about how they’ll perceive me because of that.
“Which reminds me,” Mace says with a low voice, leaning forward as if he’s about to utter a secret, “You need to share some details about what that man is like behind closed doors. ”
I laugh at his boldness, amazed he hasn’t given up on this yet. “I already warned you. It doesn’t matter how much I drink. I’m not telling you shit.”
“Girl, I know rum is your weakness, and this bar could fill a pool with how much they have.”
I offer him a dubious look, and Tami brings her hands together to sign something. “I saw Lex naked once,” she discloses with great amusement.
“Bitch, what?!” Mason practically squeals.
“Tami, you weren’t supposed to tell anyone!” I scold her with rapid motions. “Go read someone else’s lips, you snitch.”
“Respect the disabled, Andy. She has the right to be heard like anyone else.” Then he turns to her, desperate for details, and signs, “Go on, sister, tell me more.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head, slightly regretting coming here. It’s the first time we’re out since the whole office learned Lex and I were dating, so I guess it was always going to happen. Eventually, they’ll tire of it and leave me alone.
In all truth, I wouldn’t mind talking about Lex—the milder side of things—but we haven’t been in the best place lately. It’s been exactly a week since his messy birthday, and we still haven’t healed. We seem okay on the outside since he invited me out for lunch twice, we spent a few nights together, and cuddled a lot while watching the Indiana Jones movies—the first three only.
But something is missing. Something big that we’ve always been amazing at. What used to be our driving force before we fell helplessly in love with one another.
We aren’t having sex.
Like, at all. It doesn’t matter if I stroll around naked after a shower or press myself against him in his bed; Lex shows no interest in being intimate with me. Even when I try to initiate things, he gently pushes me away, arguing he’s tired or not in the mood. On Thursday evening, though, I think he sensed how much his rejections were hurting me because he went down on me until I came twice on his tongue. It felt great in the moment, but then I realized it was like a lollipop you give to a child having a tantrum.
My overreaction and abandoning him in the middle of the night hurt him, but he hurt me, too, and I’m still working hard to bring things back to normal. If what he needs is space, I’d absolutely give it to him, but he’s the one who keeps inviting me back to his place, only to barely touch me.
The fact that he doesn’t seem to want me anymore is incredibly hard to bear .
A waitress comes to our table, distracting me from my thoughts, and everyone begins ordering. When it’s Mason’s turn, he asks, “What’s the big bowl with the blue cocktail I saw?”
“That’s the Eternal Lagoon.”
“Then we’ll share that with my girl,” he says, motioning toward me. “Oh, and six shots of your cheapest rum. I need to get a girl drunk.”
If he weren’t so obviously gay, I’m pretty sure the waitress would have been alarmed by that statement. But between the glittery makeup on his face and the sheer shirt and its frills, there’s no doubt I’m not his type. So, she nods with a smile, writes it down as well as the food a few of us order, and then leaves.
I turn to my friend, shaking my head. “It won’t work.”
“Wait until you try that Lagoon shit.”
His lack of faith in me is a little insulting, but I’ll show him wrong. And I’ll have some fun while I’m at it, enjoying this much-welcomed distraction from my stale sex life.
“ S ay when,” Mace demands, pressing his hands together and then slowly parting them.
When the distance is right, I shout, “When!”
His jaw drops as he looks at the space between his palms. “Girl, how are you even walking around?!”
“And it’s that thick,” I add, forming a Lex-sized circle with my fingers.
“Babygirl, you need a whole ass day off to recuperate from that!”
“It does take a toll on me.”
“Boohoo, it’s so hard being you,” he mocks.
I flip him the bird and take another sip of our Eternal Lagoon. He was right, this shit is really good. I love Curacao. It doesn’t look like he’s been drinking much of it, though, and I have to do all the work.
“I knew that man had big dick energy for a reason,” he proudly says.
“More like, huge dick energy. I love it so fucking much, it feels so good.”
Looking around, I spot Dakota, Mouly, and another one of us on the stage, singing the shit out of that Kelly Clarkson song. Tami’s with them, alternatively filming them with their phones—probably to share on Instagram stories .
“This is gonna hurt me, but is he actually good with it?” Mason asks me, reclaiming my attention.
“He’s so good with it. You know that time I couldn’t join you here? He gave me seventeen orgasms. Seventeen , Mace!”
“Damn girl, now I envy this multiple orgasm thing you women get.”
“And the best thing is, Lex gets off on getting me off. Like, he loves making me come more than he likes coming.”
I sip on my straw, but nothing comes. Oh, yay, we finished another lagoon! I motion to the passing waitress for a third one, and she acknowledges me with a thumbs up. Do they make them as takeaways too? I guess it would be hard to carry around without spilling. Maybe I can ask for some umbrellas, though.
“Well, I’m officially jealous of you,” Mace says with a pout, leaning back into his bench to sulk.
“Well, there’s not much to be jealous of right now,” I say with sourness.
“Why? What’s going on?”
“We had an argument last week, and we haven’t had sex since. I don’t know what to do at this point.”
“What was the argument about?”
“Some past stuff that doesn’t even matter.”
“Then it’s just a bump, y’all will get through it.”
“I know, but I want everything to return to normal now .”
“Maybe he’s not in the mood. It happens,” Mason dismisses with a nonchalant shrug.
“Not to Lex. He’s always in the mood.”
“Best thing you can do is talk to him.”
“I’m so scared of what he might answer. What if he’s grown tired of me? What do I do then?” I confess.
“Nah, that ain’t it.”
“How would you know?”
“Because I’ve decided to live vicariously through you, and I refuse to accept that our relationship with the boss might end.”
I giggle at his shameless appreciation of my boyfriend. “Gimme your phone,” he demands, impatiently waving his hand. “Unlock it first.”
Confused, I comply and watch as he does whatever he has in mind. “Is that his address?” he asks, shoving the phone in my face. I nod, recognizing the Uber app display, and before I can ask what’s happening, he does a few more things on my phone and hands it back. “A car’s coming to get you in three minutes to take you there. Fix your shit, sis. I’m not going through another one of y’all’s breakups.”
“But, we’re having fun here, and I—”
“No, they are having fun,” he corrects me, pointing at the girls still on the stage. “You have been drinking all night like a depressed housewife in her forties thinking she can solve her bad marriage with rum.”
I frown, unsure that’s actually true. “What about my Lagoon?”
“We’ll handle it. This place will close soon anyway. So, go get in that car, boo.”
I’m still unsure if any of that is a good idea, but I obey. I hate to make the driver wait, so I quickly put my coat back on and then stand up. Jesus fuck, everything spins so hard. I barely ate anything and drank a lot, which is a bad mix. As I reach the corner where the car is supposed to pick me up, I hear running footsteps coming my way. When I turn around, it’s Mason catching up with me.
“I’m coming with you,” he explains. “You can’t even walk straight, so you ain’t leaving alone in a stranger’s car.”
“You’re a good friend,” I say with a smile, resting my temple on his shoulder.
The drive to Lex’s place is silent because I’m focused on controlling my nausea. The spinning plus the driving isn’t a good combo. When we get to Lex’s building, I stare at the entrance, scared of what might happen if I go up there. I was supposed to go home after my night out, not here, so he isn’t expecting me.
“Come on, sis! Go talk to your man and win him back,” Mace insists, bumping his shoulder with mine. “Go get laid!”
I can do this. I’m Andrea fucking Walker, and I’m a badass in my own way. I have a massive pair of ovaries, and I won’t let adversity get in the way of my happiness. Twisting around, I hug Mason tightly. I trip as I get out because the ground moves under my feet. Shit, I’m so fucking drunk …
The concierge knows me by now, so I only need to show my face with a hand wave. Thank God because he’d notice how wasted I am if we talked. As usual, the elevator takes forever to arrive, and the way up seems even longer. But at least it allows me to strategize. I’ll get in there and ask Lex what’s going on. He has to tell me because he’s always honest. But what time is it? I check my phone, and my eyebrows rise in surprise. Almost one in the morning. He’ll be asleep, but the doorbell will wake him up.
That’s why I don’t expect him to open the door so fast after I ring it, still very much dressed. Why is he still up so late? “Andrea… Didn’t you have plans tonight?” he asks, his confusion evident.
“I did, but I was missing you, so I came here instead of home,” I explain as I pass by him to walk inside. I unwrap my scarf and hand it to him, my motions imprecise and weirdly uncooperative. “Baby, that place was so nice! It’s called Tiki Tiki Bang Bang, which is like, the best name ever. You have to come with me one day so you can try the Eternal Lagoon. It had so many umbrellas, Lex! The colorful paper ones. Oh, and there’s a karaoke machine, but I didn’t sing because I’m not very good at it. And the ambiance was super cool.”
“I didn’t think you’d come,” he says after a tense moment.
He’s being weird. Why is he being weird? I look around and notice two empty wine glasses on the coffee table by the couch and the nearly empty bottle next to them. Fuck, what is this about? Who’s here with him?
A feminine voice comes to my left, and I spin around in time to see its owner returning from the bathroom. “I’m sorry, I think I drank a little too much,” she says, her voice soft and warm like chocolate.
She stops when she sees me, the elegant tapping of her heels on the floor ceasing. Her gorgeous face twists into surprise. Something churns in my stomach, and the air leaves my lungs when I recognize her. I can’t help but scrutinize her face, her perfect long eyelashes, her perfectly arched eyebrows, the thin bridge of her perfect nose, the plumpness of her perfect lips… She’s truly a gorgeous woman, with skin so perfect it looks airbrushed, perfect dark hair with perfect waves that flow down her perfect shoulders, and a blue dress that fits her perfect silhouette to perfection.
I knew she was devastatingly beautiful, but seeing her for real makes me see how stunning exactly. I glare at Lex, feeling like he stabbed me in the heart.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I curse at him, filled with resentment.
I’m gone for one evening and he decides to spend it with her?!
T he moment Eva showed up on my doorstep with a bottle of wine and a bag of the chips we used to love as kids, I knew it would bring nothing but trouble. But she is my oldest friend after Kevin, so I couldn’t throw her out. Had she called to suggest it, I would have politely refused. But this wasn’t negotiable.
So, I let her in, telling myself I’d handle the backlash with Andrea in the morning. I didn’t expect the latter to show up completely drunk. Had I known this would be the outcome, I would have apologized to my friend and turned down her offer to have a drink and catch up .
“You must be Andrea,” Evora says, reacting first. She walks up to her and extends a hand. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.”
Andrea glares at the hand, then at Eva. “And you must be Evora… If I’m being perfectly candid, it isn’t a pleasure, and I’ve heard very little about you.”
Understandably, Eva blinks a few times, surprised by the terrible manners. I spent the past hours telling her how incredible Andrea is, and it’s all ruined within ten seconds of them meeting.
When it becomes clear that her hand won’t be shaken, Eva awkwardly retracts it. “I should go. I’m sorry I stayed so long,” she tells me with a small smile. “Time flew in a blink.”
“Oh, by all means, stay,” Andrea counters. “I’ll go so you two can have a wonderful life together.” Her darkened eyes throw daggers at me, and when she turns around to leave, she loses her unsteady footing. I catch her arm to stabilize her and release it when she tries to shrug me off.
“I really should leave you two to handle this,” Eva insists with a forced grin. “I hope we’ll meet again in better circumstances.”
“The door’s right here,” Andrea approves with an ironic smile, pointing at the half-open door next to us. “And I genuinely hope we never meet again.”
“Andrea, that’s enough,” I say through clenched teeth. She can be pissed at me all she wants, but Eva hasn’t done anything to her.
“What? I’m agreeing with her. Isn’t it the polite thing to do?”
“You’re taking this too far,” I counter. Eva slips her long coat on, eyeing us with unease. When she passes the door, I follow her to say, “I apologize for Andrea’s behavior. I promise she isn’t normally like that.”
“It’s fine. I probably wouldn’t feel great if my boyfriend spent an evening with his ex. If I had a boyfriend, that is,” she adds with an awkward laugh. “I’m sorry I dropped by like this. I didn’t think it would be an issue.”
“It shouldn’t have been, but—”
“Do you two want a room, maybe?” Andrea shouts from inside the apartment.
I grit my teeth, embarrassed by her attitude. “Get home safe,” I tell Eva before returning inside and closing the door.
Once I face Andrea again, she glares at me with an angry frown, her arms crossed together.
“Seriously?” I ask her, still disappointed by her behavior.
“Seriously what , Alexander?!”
“There is nothing that can justify the way you treated her. ”
“Nothing? Really? You can’t think of a single thing? Like the fact that you married her? Or that you fucked her for four years? With her perfect fucking body under yours, and those perfect fucking legs wrapped around —”
She stops abruptly, slapping her hand over her mouth. “I’m going to be sick,” she lets out between her fingers.
Then she bolts off to the closest bathroom, where Eva was moments ago. I hesitate to join her there, but only because I’m not sure my presence will help her feel better. When I hear the way she hurls her guts out, though, I refuse to leave her alone in such a distressing moment.
So I walk there and find her holding on to the toilet lid for dear life as she vomits more. I crouch beside her and pull her curly hair back.
“Leave me alone,” she protests, trying to push me away with a feeble arm. Another series of heaving takes over, distracting her.
I stay right there as she regurgitates the excesses of her night out with friends, my hand drawing soothing circles over her back. Once she’s done, when the heaving brings nothing but that awful sound, I stand up, flush the sick down, and fetch a hand towel in the cupboard under the sink. I wet a corner of it with warm water and return to Andrea, who’s leaning against the wall by the toilet bowl. With efficient moves, I pass it over her mouth. She takes it from me with a dark glare, so I leave the bathroom to fetch a glass of water.
“Drink it,” I order when I return, finding her in the same position. She begrudgingly takes it, and for an instant, I worry she might throw it at me. But she probably realizes it’ll help her feel better, so she empties it in a single go.
I squat in front of her, waiting for her to calm down. Now that the alcohol has been flushed away, she’ll start feeling better. As the seconds pass, the signs of anger slowly fade from her face. Instead, she looks sad, disappointed, and tired. The surrounding stillness becomes oppressive, even though I normally love silence.
For only a heartbeat, she stops looking at the wall next to her and briefly glances at me instead. “I’m sorry,” she says with a small voice. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”
“You were immature and needlessly rude.”
“Fuck you, Alexander,” she spits, looking at me for good this time. “Don’t act like you’re innocent. You know how I feel about her, and you still spent the evening with her.”
“She came to catch up because it’s been years since we last spent time together, uninvited. What was I supposed to do? Tell her to leave because my jealous girlfriend wouldn’t like it? ”
At first, she wants to agree, but then she realizes how bad that sounds. “It’s past midnight. She had no business still being here.”
“I had no idea it was so late, or I would have asked her to leave.”
“Right, time passes so fast when you’re having that much fun,” Andrea replies, acerbic.
“We mostly talked about you, actually,” I truthfully explain. That surprises her, and she frowns at the wall again. “Eva wanted to know more about you, and I spent most of the evening telling her what an incredible person you are. I think she believed me until you barged in and treated her like gum under your shoe.”
The tears that were contained in Andrea’s eyes until now spill over. Feeling bad for how I’m handling this, for making her cry, I sigh and sit on the floor beside her.
“I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” I say. “I wanted to text you for transparency, but you were looking forward to your evening with your friends, and I didn’t want to ruin it.”
There’s another silence, and she eventually says, “Remember how jealous you were about Oliver? Imagine how I feel about her. You were with her for four years, and you married her. I think I have the right to go berserk, given the way you flipped about Oli when the worst we did was one kiss.”
“You kissed Oliver?”
I must have sounded concerned because she glares at me and says, “Read the room, Alexander.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I understand where you came from, Andrea. I keep telling you she meant nothing, and I don’t know what more I can do. I can repeat over and over that there’s only ever been you in my heart, but what do I need to do to make you believe me?”
“I don’t know… Maybe you can try actually wanting me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That you don’t even want me anymore. And then you spend your evening with her as soon as I’m gone.”
“Of course I still want you,” I protest, confused by her words.
Fresh tears flow down her wet cheeks as she asks, “Then why aren’t we having sex?”
Fuck… Is she interpreting the distance I’ve set between us as a lack of desire for her? That was never my intention, but I understand why she’d think that.
Since I’m not answering, she continues, “Honestly, I can’t even blame you. Why would you want to have sex with me when I’m such a mess? I’m all over the place, and she’s so sorted and put together. I knew you’d get tired of me eventually, but I—”
“I hurt you,” I blurt out, refusing to hear more of her wrong assumptions.
“Yeah, and I hurt you, but—”
“No, not like that. Last time we had sex, I… I hurt you.” Admitting it out loud only worsens my shame. I’ve been living in a world of guilt since that day, refusing to touch her for fear of doing it again.
She turns to me, and I can barely bring myself to look at her. “Lex, baby,” she whispers. “You didn’t—”
“I saw the blood, Andrea. I saw the blood, so I know I hurt you.”
The look she gives me is so full of pain that my eyes water with tears. I fucking hurt her, and I’ll never forgive myself for it. But she’s more indulgent than I am, resting her head on my shoulder. “ Mi amor , I’m so sorry.”
“Why? I’m the one who did that to you.”
“But you’re not. I’m the one who told you I was fine. I pushed you to be rough.”
“It doesn’t excuse what I did. I should have noticed. I should have stopped.”
She wraps a hand around my biceps, like a small, compassionate hug. “Would you have stopped if I’d asked you to?” she softly asks.
“Yes, of course.”
“And that’s all that matters. Even if it was wrong, it was consensual. I wanted it exactly like that, with the pain and everything, Lex.”
Why is she so fine with it? She shouldn’t be. It’s not some forgivable offense. “I can’t stop thinking about it,” I confess, wiping down the single tear on my cheek, “and I’m so scared I’ll hurt you again.”
“So what’s the plan? We never have sex ever again? It’s not the huge deal you think it is, baby. It’s a miracle it didn’t happen sooner, actually. You’re kind of huge, and I’m tight. I used to bleed now and then with one of my exes—below average size but terrible at foreplay.”
“You shouldn’t be so casual about this, Andrea.”
“I’m not. But it wasn’t your fault. I’m not blaming you, so please, don’t blame yourself, baby.”
I don’t answer but drop a kiss on her hair instead, passing an arm around her to hug her tightly. I don’t understand how we’re back here in yet another moment of despair. Maybe we’re bad for each other, after all. Maybe we’re doomed to hurt and lose one another. Like a curse that prevents us from being truly happy.
“Do you think it’s possible to love someone too much?” she asks against my chest.
“What do you mean?”
“Like… You love someone so hard, it does more harm than good. It becomes so overwhelming that you spiral into your feelings and lose control of everything.”
“I never thought about it that way. I guess it’s possible, yes.”
She wriggles closer to me, pressing herself harder into my side. “I think I love you too much, Lex.”
I kiss her hair with poignant intensity. “I think I love you too much, too. I’d set you free otherwise.”
“I don’t want to be free. I just want us to stop hurting each other.”
And I want that, too. More than anything. I’m not sure I know how to stop hurting her, though. But I sure as hell can try. “I’ll never see her again,” I say.
“Hm?”
“Eva. I promise I’ll never see her again.”
Andrea pushes herself away from me to stare at me with a frown. “I don’t expect you to cut off one of your oldest friendships for me.”
“If it comes to you or her, I don’t even have to think about it, freckles. I’ll be fine never seeing Evora again, but I’d never be okay with losing you. So my choice is made,” I decide.
She looks muddled as she returns against me into this odd embrace on the guest bathroom floor.
We really are a fucking mess, aren’t we?