Chapter 13 #2
My wife backs away with a look of pure disgust like I’ve just informed her of some horrible secret she can’t respect. It’s fucking gymnastics! Am I supposed to keep paying for those damned lessons instead of paying for a lawyer?
“Connor, I won’t let you do that to the girls. They’ve made the team. They’re fantastic gymnasts. I won’t let your mistake ruin their chances for scholarships and college. I won’t.”
Something inside my brain snaps, and I bark, “My mistake? I went for a walk with a co-worker! That’s it. That’s my mistake. If you want them to stay in gymnastics, then you better find a job because that’s the only way we’ll be able to afford it if I have to hire a lawyer.”
She glares at me for that. Sorry, honey, but tough times call for tough measures.
Jamie points her finger at me as she continues to glare in my direction. “When we had Cassandra, we decided I would stay home. Then when the girls went to school all day, I wanted to get a job. You said no. Now, after all these years, you want me to get a job? Yeah, that’s going to be easy.”
Everything is about her. Why can’t she just support me?
“Nobody is saying you’ll have to get anything professional when it comes to a job. Just something that will help now. Get something that will allow you to use the skills you use here. Maybe a short order cook or a waitress.”
Her face twists into an ugly expression.
“I manage everything in this house, although it’s clear you think that’s not much if you think I should just get a job as a cook or a server.
I drive the girls wherever they have to go.
School. Gymnastics. Social events. Me. I’m the one who shuttles them around, not you.
I do all the cooking and cleaning here. I do all the shopping.
I make sure all the bills are paid on time.
I handle everything here. Anything that has to happen around this house happens because of me, and now you say I should get a job if I want the girls to stay in gymnastics?
Maybe if you had agreed to my getting a job when Danielle went to first grade we wouldn’t be in such a hard place now. ”
I’ve heard enough out of her today. If she can’t support me, then I don’t need to bother with her anymore.
“You may do all of that, Jamie, but there would be no house, no private school, no gymnastics, no landscaper, and no anything else without me. Remember that when you’re listing all the things you do around here.”
As I push past her, she says, “I don't know what to do. I don’t know how to keep them safe from this... this nightmare. The looks. The questions. The police coming to the door.”
I spin around and look at her in disbelief. “Maybe stand by me? I am your husband. Anyway, they don’t have evidence, and they need that to actually bring charges. A good lawyer would be able to rip that idiot coroner’s report to shreds.”
Except a good lawyer is going to be almost impossible to afford since we’re practically living paycheck to paycheck as it is.
“They don’t need evidence. They need a narrative. And right now, the story they’re telling makes sense. Hiking trip. Coworkers. Jealousy. Just wait until everyone finds out it was your gun.”
I look at my wife like I don’t even know her because it feels like I don’t right now. “Do you hear yourself? Jealousy? Jealous of what exactly, Jamie? Bryan and I had the same exact job at the same company.”
“I don’t know how many times I’ve heard you complain that your boss always gives him preferential treatment at the office. I doubt I’m the only person you’ve ever said that to, so all they have to do is find one other person who will say they heard you say those things about him.”
Frustrated, I try to keep my calm, but I want to scream. She can’t even support me in the tiniest way.
“You don’t believe me, do you? I thought of all people you’d know I’m innocent of this. I thought I could at least count on you being on my side.”
That makes her expression soften, and she sighs like she’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders. “I am on your side. I’m on our side. But I need to know the truth, Connor. Because if it comes out in court, in public, and I’ve been lying to our girls…”
“You want the truth? Then here it is. I didn’t kill him.
I was his friend. We worked together. I wish I hadn’t agreed to go hiking with him that day.
I wish I hadn’t gone at all. I wish I hadn’t taken the gun with me.
I wish I’d stopped him when he took the gun out of my hand.
I wish I’d done something different. Everything different. But I didn’t kill him.”
I stop, take a deep breath, and then say, “Just tell me you believe me. Tell me you’re with me on this.”
Jamie is silent for a long time, but I don’t leave. I need to hear her say she’s with me on this. We’ve never been tested in this way before in our marriage. I’ve heard every couple is severely tested at least once in their years together. Well, this is it, and there’s only one answer to give me.
Finally, she says in quiet voice, “I’m your wife, Connor. I’m with you. I just need you to know I have to protect the girls too.”
I don’t say anything to that because that sounds a lot like she’s not standing with me. I consider saying I want to protect the girls too, but the truth is I have to think of myself now.
If I don’t, then there may not be an us after the police are done.