21. McKenzie
TWENTY-ONE
MCKENZIE
I’ve never felt a pain like this before.
When Matthew called to tell me our father was gone, I was hoping it was some sick joke. When I hung up, I felt my heart crack in two as I fell to the ground. My dad had a heart attack while driving home and crashed his truck into a light pole. He was gone before the paramedics got to him.
He was so young.
He had so much life to live.
It doesn’t make sense.
I don’t remember much after Matty’s call. I know Kylie held me and rocked me on the floor as I screamed and cried. I remember Tyler’s panicked face, his fingers cupping my cheek, trying to figure out what happened.
He carried me up to my room and left only once Kylie got in bed to hold me. The next day, I emailed all of my professors to explain that I would be out for several days, and I made the drive home to Aurora.
I told Kylie I was leaving so she wouldn’t worry, but Tyler had already left for work by the time I finally dragged myself out of bed. I didn’t tell him goodbye, but I’m sure Kylie will fill him in on the details.
The numbness overwhelms me on my drive back to my hometown. My face is swollen from crying all night, and I’m still expecting someone to call me and tell me they were wrong and my dad is actually safe and sound. That this was all one big misunderstanding.
That call never comes.
In the early afternoon, I pull into the driveway of my childhood home. All of my brother’s vehicles are here. It’s been a while since all of us have been back together, and I hate that it’s for this reason.
The tears start up again before I’ve even opened the front door. My mom and brothers are sitting at the kitchen table, the same table we all used to gather around for breakfast and dinner every day.
“Kenz,” my brother Oliver says. His voice sounds hoarse, and I can tell by their faces that they’ve all been crying.
My mom is the first to stand. She walks toward me and wraps me in a hug. Then, my brothers all follow suit until all six of us are squished in a hug. All we’re missing is our protector.
When we finally pull away from each other, Matt gives me the rundown of what will happen next. Funeral details and all that. He and Chris are handling everything so Mom doesn’t have to. I’m grateful for that. Mom looks like she’s barely hanging on. I can’t imagine losing the love of my life. My parents have been married for over thirty years and were best friends.
Over dinner, we all reminisce about our memories of Dad. We laugh and cry. It hurts like hell to talk about him, knowing we’ll never see him again. Never get to hear his laugh or get one of his hugs again.
It feels so unfair.
By the time we head to bed, I’m exhausted. My head is pounding, and my heart is aching. I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again.
I toss and turn in my childhood bed all night until I finally manage to cry myself to sleep.
The next few days pass in a blur. Neighbors stop by with food and flowers. Old family friends cry with us and tell us what a wonderful man my father was. It feels surreal, and most of the time, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to go on without him here. I’ll never get another text from him or a weekly check-in call on his drive home. I’ll never get another hug or sit on the couch and watch a game with him.
My professors are all understanding of my absence, and Angel gets all my shifts covered for me. I let Kylie know I made it home safely, but other than that, I don’t respond to anyone.
I have several texts from Tyler that I can’t even bring myself to read. Kylie has texted me a few times, along with some other friends from class, but I don’t read any of them. I’m not ready to talk to anyone.
On the day of the funeral, I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I wear a simple black dress, not bothering with makeup because I know it will be running down my face by the end of the day. Truthfully, I don’t think the strongest makeup could cover the dark circles under my eyes.
I’m surprised I still have any tears left at this point.
My family and I sit in the front row of the only church in town. The place is packed. That’s what happens in a small town. Everyone loved my dad. He was a fantastic human with a heart of gold. It was hard not to love him.
I force myself to look around the church to see all the friends and family who have come to mourn my father but also celebrate his life. Towards the middle, my eyes land on Kylie. She gives me a sad little wave. Next to her sits Tyler, his eyes already locked on me. My heart flutters at the sight of him, letting me know I’m still alive.
He nods his head in my direction, and I almost burst into tears again. They’re here. I didn’t ask them to come. I don’t think I even mentioned when or where the funeral would be. But they both made the drive to be here. For me.
It’s a tiny bit of joy in the dark hole that I’ve been living in.
The service is beautiful. Several people speak about my father, and as expected, I’m a mess by the end of it. Matty makes a beautiful speech, and I’m in awe of his strength to take over as the head of our family right now. I know Dad would be so proud of him.
The reception is held at my family home, so a big group of guests follow us back to the house.
I wander around the house aimlessly until I spot Kylie and Tyler in the kitchen talking to one of our neighbors. Kylie excuses herself from the conversation and barrels into me with a hug.
“I’m so so sorry, McKenzie.”
“Thank you for coming. I’m sorry I haven’t been answering your texts.”
“You can ignore me all you want. You’ll never be rid of me. And you have a free pass right now.”
I give her a sad smile as she swipes under my eye where a rogue tear has dropped.
“So, this is your house?” she asks, looking around the kitchen. Part of me wants to be embarrassed. This house is pretty small, especially when all seven of us were living here. But it gave me some of the best memories of my life and I’m choosing to be proud of that.
“This is it.”
“It’s so cute. And this town is adorable. We drove through Main Street on our way in this morning, and it looks like it’s straight out of a movie or something.”
I chuckle. “Yeah, I guess it kinda does.”
“But seriously, how are you holding up? I’ve been so worried about you.”
I nod. “I’m ok, I guess. I don’t know. It doesn’t feel real.”
“I can’t imagine, McKenzie.”
I walk her down the short hallway and show her my bedroom. Since I was the only girl, I never had to share a room with anyone.
She asks me questions about my pictures and looks around at all the silly knickknacks I have: a medal from a spelling bee, a stuffed frog I won at the fair one year, and a small glass angel that my grandmother gave me. I barely took anything with me when I left for college, and Mom left everything how I had it.
There’s a soft knock on my door, and I turn to see Tyler leaning against the doorframe. He’s in black slacks and a black button-down shirt. Black is certainly his color.
“Thought I saw you two come back here,” he says.
“Yeah, I’m just snooping through McKenzie’s old room. Actually, I need to run to the bathroom. Do you mind?” she asks me.
“No, it’s right down the hall.”
She walks out, and Tyler and I are left alone for the first time in weeks.
“I’m so sorry for your loss, Kenz. I know nothing I can say will make it better, but it sounds like your dad was an incredible man.”
“He was. Thank you for coming. I didn’t expect you to.”
“I wanted to,” he tells me. He doesn’t shrug it off or make light of making the trip all the way out here. I know it’s a big deal for him to miss a day of coaching during the season and before a big game.
“Why?” I ask quietly. We both know he shouldn’t be here. If I were any other student or another friend of Kylie’s, he wouldn’t have come. But I can’t stop myself from asking anyway.
“You know why, McKenzie.”
I do, but apparently, I’m a glutton for punishment and want him to say it. I want him to admit that he cares about me.
A moment later, Kylie bounces back into my room, breaking up a moment she didn’t know was happening. “McKenzie, introduce me to your mom. I want to give her a big hug.”
I chuckle because that’s one hundred percent on-brand for Kylie. They follow me back to the main room, where I find my mom keeping herself busy making sure the table of snacks is all filled. She’s trying to distract herself, and I can’t blame her one bit. Maybe meeting my friends will help with that.
“Mom, I want to introduce you to my friend Kylie and her dad, Tyler.”
My mom gives them the nicest smile she can muster, even though I don’t think anyone is expecting her to attempt to be friendly right now.
“Thank you for coming. It’s nice to meet you. McKenzie has told us so much about you.” Kylie doesn’t even respond. She pulls my mom into a hug, and my heart aches when I see my mom’s shoulders deflate like she’s been waiting for someone to hold her up.
“Are you Tyler Danvers?” I hear my little brother Spencer ask.
“I am,” Tyler says, sticking out his hand to shake my brother’s. It’s strange having my brother recognize Tyler. I’m so used to being around Tyler at school, where everyone already knows who he is. But I never mentioned to my family that Kylie’s dad was the new La Vista University coach who quickly turned the school’s record around or the star NFL player who has a long list of accomplishments under his belt.
“I can’t believe Tyler Danvers is in my house.” It’s nice to hear my brother excited about something. This week has obviously been hard on everyone. Our laughs have been strained, our smiles forced. But there is true excitement on Spencer’s face right now.
My other three brothers notice what’s happening and come introduce themselves, too. I don’t know how Tyler typically handles attention from fans, but he’s being incredibly sweet right now. He even signs a football for Spencer.
“Kenz, why didn’t you tell us you knew him?” Oliver asks me.
I feel my cheeks heat when Tyler looks at me. “I don’t know. It just never came up.”
Chris huffs a laugh. “Yeah, right. You probably just wanted to keep that information to yourself.”
“And why would I want to do that?” I counter.
“I don’t know, maybe because you were afraid we’d come visit and introduce ourselves and then he would like us more than you?” Chris says.
“Yeah, I doubt that,” I say, avoiding eye contact with Tyler. He manages to keep a smile on his face during the entire exchange but doesn’t say a word.
When it’s time for the Danvers to head back home, a wave of sadness washes over me. Things haven’t been great between me and Tyler recently, but their home has become my home. It’s become a safe place for me, even if it was sort of forced upon me. Part of me wishes they were taking me back with them. But I know I’m not ready to leave my family yet.
I walk them out to Tyler’s truck, parked a little way down the street from the house.
Kylie gives me another hug and asks me to let her know when I’ll be coming back. She hops in the truck, leaving Tyler and me alone.
“You’ll let us know if you need anything?” he asks.
I nod. “Yes.”
“For real, McKenzie. Anything you need. Tell me,” he insists.
“Ok. Thank you.”
He pulls me into a hug. “I miss you,” he whispers into my hair. “I wish I could do something to take away your pain.”
My breath hitches, and I fist the back of his shirt, keeping him close. It feels so good to be in his arms again. He quickly kisses the side of my head and releases me.
“See you soon,” he says before he turns and climbs into his truck.
I wave goodbye and then wipe the tears from my cheek as they drive off.