Chapter 15
It took an extra bedtime story to settle Sophia after her exciting day. She couldn’t stop talking about how much she loves Miss Sadie.
The last thing she said before she drifted off to sleep replays through my mind as I make my way down the steps.
“I wish I could hang out with Miss Sadie all the time.”
Little does my four-year-old know that I wish the same thing.
I’ve been around Sadie a few times, more so now that she’s at the rink working with the guys most days.
Ever since our time together at the bar, I find myself seeking her out often.
I may not know her extremely well yet, but I’ve been around her enough to know that I want to spend more time with her.
There’s something hiding behind her brown eyes that has me searching them every chance I get.
Who is this stunningly beautiful woman with the magical air around her that not only steals my attention, but can miraculously make my child open up more to her than she has to me over the past six months? She’s thoughtful, kind, extremely down to earth, and someone I want to know more about.
Turning the corner to my kitchen to clean up the mess of ice cream bowls, I find the job has already been done. Not only is the sink vacant of dirty bowls, but it smells like fresh linens, as if Sadie cleaned the entire room.
Quickly, I turn around to make sure she hasn’t left and find her sitting on the couch with a book in her hands.
Doing my best not to disturb her, I tiptoe into the room. Her head perks up as I take a seat on the opposite end of the couch and the eyes I was just thinking about meet mine as she smiles.
“How did bedtime go?” she asks, setting the book face down in her lap.
I stretch my arm across the back of the couch. “Better than usual. She was super excited to tell me about her day with you. She usually begs me to lie with her, but she didn’t tonight.”
The fact that tonight’s bedtime routine was the easiest it’s been in weeks has me wondering again what magical powers the woman sitting across from me holds.
She smiles at me again. “I’m glad to hear that. You both could use some good sleep.”
I hum to myself and then nod at the book sitting in her lap.
“Whatcha reading? I know you didn’t find anything worthwhile in my pathetic little collection over there.” I gesture to my nearly-empty bookshelf in the corner of my living room.
Sadie looks to the bookshelf and laughs quietly. “While I am impressed you have any books at all in your house, nonfiction isn’t my genre of choice.”
She holds up the black and red book to show me.
“Hunter and I are reading a dark romance series right now. We binged the first book in a day, so we jumped right into the next one.”
Sadie grabs a bookmark from her bag that’s sitting on the floor and places it in the book before putting it away. She snuggles into the couch cushion, pulling her legs up in front of her and resting her hands and chin on her knees.
“Is there a reason you asked me to come over for ice cream and not let me leave afterward?”
Her words are lined with mischief—dare I say she’s flirting with me? Maybe I’m just imagining it because I’m hoping that’s exactly what she’s doing.
I turn toward her and rest my ankle up on my knee, keeping my arm along the top of the couch.
“First of all, thank you for hanging out with Sophia today. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her so carefree and happy. I think that has a lot to do with you.”
Sadie tilts her head to the side and grins. “I had so much fun with her today. I’m happy to hang with her anytime, Niko.”
I give her a smile back, feeling more at ease than I have in a long time.
“You don’t have to do that. But I also wanted to thank you for talking to her today…
” I trail off, looking down and rubbing my hand over my knee, trying to find the courage to admit to another parenting failure.
“Sophia has been struggling since her mom left. It doesn’t help that I can’t find a steady nanny.
Hearing her admit to hiding it from me because I hide my own emotions made me feel like a shitty dad today.
But knowing she finally opened up to someone, even if it wasn’t me, made me hopeful for the first time that she’s going to be okay. ”
I hear Sadie move and look up to see her scooting closer to me on the couch. She grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.
“You are not a shitty dad. You talking to me about this right now is all the proof I need, but I already knew how wonderful of a dad you are from the few times I’ve seen you with Sophia.”
Sadie drops her hand from mine and I feel the loss immediately. I grip the back of the couch as tight as I can, fighting the urge to reach out and grab it and link my fingers through hers.
Sadie’s voice breaks through my thoughts. “After everything that happened today, do you mind if I ask what happened with her mom? It’s none of my business, so feel free to say no. I just thought that maybe it might help me to know, in case I spend time with her at another game or something.”
The thought of Claire immediately brings a wave of anxiety over me. But the idea of Sadie and Sophia spending more time together is like a weighted blanket, pushing down against the rising anxiousness that threatens to consume me.
It’s the image of Sophia and Sadie together that gives me the confidence to confide in her.
“Sophia’s mom and I have been divorced for more than three years now.
We were married for just over a year. When I met Claire, I had no plans to be in a relationship.
Neither did she. But then she got pregnant with Sophia.
The more time we spent together, the more I cared about her.
After Sophia was born we decided to get married. ”
Sadie’s eyes never leave mine as I explain my whirlwind of a relationship with Claire.
“Everything fell apart around the time Sophia turned one. Claire started disappearing without any warning to take singing gigs. I tried to make it work, but after six months, it was all I could take. When we got divorced she signed over all of her parental rights. She used to pop in from time to time, never missing a holiday or birthday. But she didn’t show up to this past Thanksgiving, and we’ve barely heard from her since.
It’s been taking a toll on Sophia as you can imagine. ”
Sadie lifts her hand and I think she’s going to grab mine again, but instead she grabs her necklace and starts fidgeting with it, just like she did earlier. It must be a nervous habit.
“I’m sure it’s been hard on both of you.”
That’s not exactly what I expected her to say.
When people find out about Claire, they always immediately worry about Sophia.
I mean, why wouldn’t they? I do the same thing.
I worry about her every single day and the type of effect her absentee mom will have on her.
Sometimes the guilt is so strong, I can barely get out of bed.
But as always, Sadie surprises me. No one has ever really shown any type of concern for me outright. Besides my mom, my coaches and Connor are the only ones who ever check in on me.
Unsure of how to respond to Sadie’s comment, I shrug. “Sophia is the one without a mom around.”
Sadie shakes her head at me. “Niko. You need to stop doing that.” She stops playing with her necklace and rests her hand on the couch next to her.
“Stop doing what?” I drop my arm from the back of the couch, resting my hand onto the cushion, inches away from Sadie’s.
“Stop pushing your needs aside as if they aren’t as important as Sophia’s.”
I immediately shake my head back at her. “But they aren’t as important, Sadie.”
Sadie drops her head, bringing her chin to her chest. She takes a deep breath, looks up, and scoots even closer to me on the couch, closing the small little distance that remains.
She grabs my hand that was sitting on the cushion and encloses it in between both of hers.
“Please hear me when I say this, Niko. Both you and Sophia are important, so I say this out of the kindness of my heart. You can’t take care of Sophia in the way she needs if you aren’t taking care of yourself. ”
Sadie’s words give me pause, landing just right in my mind that I actually take a second to really let them sink in.
I’ve spent every day of my life making sure Sophia had everything she could possibly want or need, trying to make up for her mother’s shortcomings.
Not once have I taken a step back to think about what I might need.
Why would I? It’s my job as a father to provide and care for my daughter. She is my purpose.
But for some reason, hearing Sadie say it makes me actually consider it. How can a person take care of someone else if they aren’t taking care of themself?
I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Eat, sleep, Sophia, hockey. Repeat. That’s been my life for the past nearly five years. Maybe it’s time to finally take care of myself too.
As I lose myself in my own thoughts, Sadie’s touch brings me back to the present and calms the chaos of uncertainty flowing through my mind. Instead of drifting away, losing myself to the chaos, her palm rests on top of mine like a weight, anchoring me.
This time when Sadie squeezes my hand, she doesn’t let go.