Chapter 23 Dina #2
‘I’m fine. Sorry, Jen, I’m feeling a little … sick. I should go home,’ I say, turning around before Jen even gets the chance to respond.
I find Deen in the crowd of spectators.
‘Let’s go home.’
‘What? We just got here!’ Deen says. But when he catches my eye and sees the look on my face, he doesn’t argue any further. ‘OK, let’s go.’
Back in the car, Deen and I sit in silence as he drives out of the school gates.
All the while, though, rage is building inside of me.
So fast and so hot that it feels a little suffocating.
I wish that I could have just marched up to Maya on that football pitch and demanded what the hell she was thinking, what she was doing.
But instead, I just have to sit here in a car with Deen, and stew in my anger, while Maya gets to live out her dream – my dream.
‘OK, what happened?’ Deen asks finally, breaking the silence.
‘Doesn’t matter,’ I say, crossing my arms over my chest and looking out of the window. All the while, I’m trying not to cry, feeling the injustice of it all, the fact that Maya always seems to get what she wants while I end up with nothing.
‘Dina, come on. Something clearly happened. Was it the scout? You know that just because you showed up at the match didn’t mean you would be able to play. You knew that, right?’
‘Yeah, it was stupid. Going to the game,’ I say. ‘It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m done.’
‘Well, good,’ Deen says, clearly not understanding what I mean. ‘Because, honestly, Ma would probably kill me if she knew I took you to the game when you should be resting.’
‘No. I mean, I’m done with football. It’s about time anyway. I’m too old to be in the under-18s league next year.’
Deen turns to give me a concerned look. ‘I mean, you could join another team, you could—’
‘No. I’m never going to be a professional football player, so what’s the point? It’s stupid and a waste of time. I’m done. For good.’
That thought follows me all the way to the next day when I show up outside Maya’s house.
I know that I probably look terrible; I haven’t slept, tossing and turning all night, thinking about the fact that, in just a few weeks, Maya will be going away to join a football team in the US.
That Maya betrayed me. That Maya is leaving me.
I feel like in the blink of an eye I’ve lost control of everything, and all I know is that I have to take control of something. Even if it’s not in the way that I want.
I press my finger on the doorbell and I can hear it ringing out sharply. A moment later, I hear the sound of footsteps inside, bounding down the stairs. And then the door is open and Maya stands in front of me.
She looks jubilant, her eyes bright, her long hair loose and free behind her. The sunlight casts a light on her that almost seems to make her glow. She looks happy to see me, like she didn’t break my heart yesterday.
‘Dina!’ Maya leaps forward, throwing her arms around me.
For a moment, I close my eyes, take in the scent of her, luxuriate in the feel of her arms around mine, the warmth of her skin, the familiar embrace of her hug.
This is the last time that we’ll have this, and as much as I hate her right now, I savour it.
Then, I’m pulling away, wrenching her fingers off me.
I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that, when she’s gone, I’ll miss this. I’ll miss her.
‘You took my spot.’ I spit the words out, and Maya’s expression changes.
She shakes her head, but I know that she can’t deny it. ‘I didn’t – it’s not like that Dina. They offered me the position. I couldn’t turn it down. But that doesn’t mean—’
‘How could you sit there and tell me about how I’ll have so many opportunities? How we’ll both be on football teams in the future? Were you planning on taking my spot the whole time? Was it all some sick joke?’
Maya’s eyes widen. ‘Is that really what you think? That I was sabotaging you?’
‘You knew how important this match was for me. What else am I supposed to think?’
Maya’s face hardens. It reminds me of the first day of secondary school when I walked into class late and interrupted her.
The way she zeroed in on me. It’s like we’ve gone back in time, like everything that’s happened between us since then has suddenly been erased.
‘Did you ever think that you’re not as amazing a player as you think you are?
You made a stupid mistake and got yourself injured for your big match.
Maybe even if you had played they would have picked me.
Maybe it’s the best player who got that position. ’
If there’s one thing Maya knows how to do, it’s twist the knife in deeper. I feel her words in my chest, like a stab to the heart. But I don’t let her see just how much she’s hurt me.
‘Fuck you, Maya,’ I say, my words soft, but I know that she hears them. I know that’s all she needs to hear, that’s all I needed to say. Then, I turn around and walk away. Some part of me wants Maya to call me back. Wants her to take back her words, so I can take back mine too.
But Maya doesn’t call me back, and I don’t turn around.
This is it, then. I’m done with football, and I’m done with Maya.
Forever.