Chapter 24
Lucas
Lucas put the record player on in the apartment and played another one of his mom’s favorites – Dolly Parton.
Her rich, sweet voice swelled through the room as he sat back on the couch with his cold beer.
He was exhausted, not just physically but emotionally too, and it was all he could do to keep the tears back.
However, he knew if he started, he would never stop.
‘I don’t want you to be sad,’ his mom had told him towards the end. ‘Remember the good times we had together. Focus on the future. Sadness will only root you in the past.’
He had tried so hard to follow her advice, but today especially had been difficult.
Maybe if he had made a success of it, he might have felt differently, but the truth was, the day had been a disaster and had done little to serve her memory.
He hated the fact that he had let her down and it didn’t matter how much Mia or Janice tried to tell him otherwise – he knew he should have done better.
It was a bitter pill to swallow.
He took another slug of beer and kicked his feet onto the table. Right now, he needed to stop thinking, to rest his mind and try to forget his worries, but it wasn’t easy. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw his mom’s face and then Willow’s – and they both weren’t particularly happy with him.
The door opened and Mia walked in, startling him. She was carrying the large remains of his blueberry cheesecake.
‘I can’t believe this didn’t sell better,’ she declared. ‘I’ve given Janice a chunk to take home and share with her family. I think we should have a slice now.’
He took another slug from his beer. ‘I’m not that hungry, Mia.’
She glared at him and placed the cheesecake squarely on the table. ‘I’m not going to let you sink any further, Luc. So what – the day didn’t go as you planned. It doesn’t matter. Do you think Mom would care? You can’t sit around here feeling sorry for yourself.’
He didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure he could. He picked at the label on his drink instead, wishing that Mia would both leave him alone but also never go again.
It was a weird juxtaposition.
Maybe his brain was finally fried?
‘All Mom would be worried about is digging you out of this hole you’ve gotten yourself in.’ She sighed. ‘You put too much pressure on yourself. Today didn’t matter. It’s just a day.’
‘I should have promoted it better,’ he replied. ‘Look at Willow, she had lines drifting right into town. That could’ve been me if I’d made more of an effort.’
Mia flopped down next to him. ‘Yeah, well that’s another thing. Willow? You were pretty rude to her. She didn’t deserve that.’
Lucas stared down at his lap. ‘Is she OK? I didn’t mean to snap at her like that. I wasn’t thinking clearly.’
‘I think she’s hurt.’
He breathed out; a snatching pain was taking hold in his chest. ‘She hurt me too, Mia. I thought she would know the date. I thought she would realize what it meant to me. To us!’
Especially after the moments they had had together. He still hoped they meant something. Even if Willow didn’t want a relationship with him, surely she would want to be friends?
Or was all this a cruel game of hers?
‘I don’t think she knows which way is up at the moment, Luc. Her life has been turned upside down. She left her job and her boyfriend. She’s trying this new thing, but she has no idea if it’ll work or not. She’s trying to fit in again. She’s just as lost as you are, I think …’
Lucas snorted. ‘I doubt that …’
‘She feels really bad about missing the date, but she didn’t know. Luc, you have to stop blaming people for the bad feelings you have inside.’ Mia’s tone was almost pleading. ‘Why would she do that on purpose, huh? Is she a bad person? Because she seems pretty decent to me.’
Lucas shook his head, but what Mia was saying made sense. He knew that. He knew that he pushed people away when he was struggling or hurt. Willow wasn’t a bad person; she never had been. That was kind of the problem.
Willow was one of the best people he’d ever met.
That was why the disappointment was hurting him like never before.
‘I’ll apologize to her,’ he said finally. ‘I’ll talk to her tomorrow, I promise.’
‘You weren’t always like this,’ Mia whispered, moving closer to him. ‘There was a time when you were more in touch with your feelings. You let people in.’
‘And look where that got me …’
‘It got you further than this ever will,’ Mia replied firmly. ‘You keep pushing and one day you’ll find yourself alone. Do you really want that?’
‘Of course not …’ he croaked.
He would never want that. It was what he feared most.
Mia gently rested her head on his shoulder. The soft voice of Dolly continued to soothe them.
‘I love you, Luc,’ she said finally. ‘But I want my brother back. I want you to be happy.’
‘So do I,’ he whispered back.
It was all he’d ever wanted.
‘I still don’t think Willow and Jake were ever that strong, you know? Especially towards the end.’
Mia and Lucas had moved into the kitchen and were now demolishing the rest of the cheesecake. Johnny Cash was playing, and Lucas was feeling a little more relaxed. The beer had probably helped.
‘Why do you say that?’ Lucas asked carefully.
Mia pushed her plate to one side. ‘That cheesecake is amazing, Luc, seriously! You need to make it again and make sure the whole town knows about it. I could have easily eaten the whole thing.’
Luc nudged her. ‘Enough about the cheesecake. I want to hear your theories about Jake and Willow …’
‘Isn’t he the guy you never liked in school? I’m trying to remember it all now.’
Lucas was playing with his food, no longer feeling particularly hungry. If he was honest, he didn’t really like to think of Jake at all and especially not when they were all in high school.
It wasn’t good for his blood pressure.
‘Tell me more about this Jake!’ Mia probed. ‘Do you just hate him because he was Willow’s boyfriend?’
‘No, of course not; it’s up to her who she sees. It’s not my business.’
‘Funny …’ Mia teased. ‘Because you seem pretty interested now …’
‘I never said I didn’t like a bit of gossip.’ Lucas shrugged. ‘I assumed they were pretty together until recently, that’s all.’
But did he, really? He couldn’t deny that there had been some kind of weird energy between them ever since she had been back.
And what about the day when they had kissed at the lake.
And then later, at The Diner – that had gotten really hot real quick.
He was still worried that she saw him as some way to get back at Jake, but he also couldn’t ignore the whisper of hope that sat in the back of his mind.
What if this was what she wanted? And he kept messing it up, because he was so damn scared of being hurt again?
He couldn’t deny the heat between them. Willow made him catch his breath like no other person and his heart actually felt like it was about to stop beating every time she came close.
But if she still had feelings for Jake, any kind of feelings, he couldn’t risk going there. Not again.
‘Well …’ Mia puffed out her cheeks, seemingly enjoying the drama of it all. ‘I’m getting vibes from Willow. She never really has anything good to say about the guy. I don’t think he made her happy.’
‘That’s not good.’
‘And she told me she has ended things properly with him now. She seems ready to move on,’ Mia added. ‘And if anyone has experience of that, it’s me. I can spot the signs.’
Lucas noticed that his sister had slumped a little in her chair. He leaned across and squeezed her hand lightly.
‘I keep forgetting you are going through crap too.’
‘I didn’t want to stress you out with it all.’ She sighed. ‘It’s such a cliché, what Joshua did to me. I thought things were OK between us and then he did that—’
Lucas swore under his breath. ‘I can kill him if you want?’
‘Oh no you won’t.’ Mia gripped his hand. ‘I don’t need my brother in jail on top of everything else. I’ve got this.’
‘Have you though?’ He glared. ‘I mean, this jerk has messed you around before and yet you always forgive him.’
‘I know. We have a connection. It’s hard to explain. We’ve been through a lot together and nobody knows him like I do.’
‘He shouldn’t be treating you badly though, Mia. You don’t deserve that.’
She chuckled softly. ‘No, I guess not. But that’s why I left, isn’t it? I’m back now, ready to heal or whatever.’
‘Good.’ He nodded. ‘That’s the most sensible decision you’ve made in a long time.’
‘And maybe you can do the same thing, Luc,’ she urged. ‘Maybe you can heal too? Because you’ve been hurting yourself for too long and you need to stop.’
Lucas looked away. He couldn’t stand to see the worry in his sister’s eyes. Nor could he bear the twist in his gut as she spoke those words.
He longed to heal, but he didn’t even know if that was possible anymore.
The music continued to play. Lucas and Mia had moved back to the sofa. Lucas had drunk a few cans of beer and Mia had opened a bottle of wine. He was feeling warm and fuzzy and a little floaty.
He and Mia had talked. He had opened up. He’d told Mia stuff from his past, about school, that he had kept hidden away for a long time. He hadn’t expected it to help as much as it did; Mia had simply listened as he’d vented. She had listened and understood.
Right now, that was all he needed.
‘Mom would have liked this,’ Mia declared, raising her glass lazily. ‘Me and you getting along – no arguments.’
‘It wasn’t always like that, was it?’
‘No! Because you were such a mean older brother. Anyone would think there was a ten-year, not three-year difference, the way you used to act.’
‘Now hang on.’ Lucas leaned forward to make his point, his body wobbling a little. He probably should have eaten more than a sliver of cheesecake. ‘You used to be such a spoiled bitch. If I did the smallest thing wrong, you would go crying to Mom.’
‘The smallest thing?’ Mia’s mouth was open in a mock aghast expression. ‘You were mean, Luc. Mean! Do you remember when you shut me in the cupboard?’
Lucas snorted. ‘Yeah, but that was only because you wanted to follow me and Willow everywhere.’
‘You always had so much fun. I wanted to be involved.’ Mia picked up the wine bottle and refilled her glass. ‘Looking back, it’s crazy to think how close you were. Willow was always here, or you were at her grandma’s. It was like you were joined at the hip.’
‘We were kids. Things change.’
‘It just seems a shame, that’s all,’ Mia mused. She nuzzled herself back into the cushions of the sofa. ‘And now she’s back all alone …’
He glared at her. A warning shot.
‘Mom loved her too, didn’t she? I remember she was so angry when her mom up and left like that.’
‘Mom wanted to look after people. It’s what she did best,’ Lucas replied quietly.
‘What do you think Mom would say if she was here now?’
Lucas gulped his beer and then wiped his lips. ‘She would tell you to stop sticking your nose into my business. She would tell you to focus on yourself.’
Mia pulled a face. ‘Funny, because that doesn’t sound like Mom at all. I’m thinking she would tell you to reach out to Willow. She would tell you not to give up on a good thing, because they are damn hard to find.’
Lucas frowned. He got up. ‘I need another beer.’
He left the room, knowing full well which piece of advice his mom would give.
And it wasn’t what he’d said.