Chapter 30
TYRELL
Guilt.
It’s eating me up.
And I can’t whisper a word of what I’m feeling to Dani because I don’t want her feeling bad about hooking up on that stage.
It was fucking epic.
I haven’t felt that way… ever.
And it kills me that I’ve just had the best sex of my life… with someone else’s woman.
She doesn’t belong to Atlas! He’s dead. Gone. Buried.
Logically, I know all of this stuff, but as I drive Dani home, my fingers wrapped around the wheel, all I can feel is guilt. Fucking guilt.
Because if it weren’t for me, Atlas would have been the one making love to her on that stage.
I don’t deserve mind-blowing sex with this woman, yet I took it anyway.
And as her sweet scent wafts over to me and I glance her way…
I know without a doubt that I want to have her again.
Take her and enjoy her and pleasure her.
I want to hear those moans and wails. I want to watch her writhe in ecstasy.
I want to make her feel good, because that’s what she deserves.
But do I deserve her in return?
No.
Shit, Atlas, man. I’m sorry.
I get why you couldn’t get enough of her. Why you always talked about her like she was the sun, the moon, the stars. I thought it was overly romantic bullshit, but I see it now. Dani Hill is the kind of woman you learn poetry for.
“Well…” She breathes out the word, then kind of laughs when I pull to a stop outside her apartment. “Thanks for a good night.” I can sense her blushing and skim my thumb over her cheek as she reaches for the door handle.
“Wait.” I jump out before she can get out of the car.
I might be swamped with guilt right now, but she doesn’t need to know that. And I’m not some douche who’s just gonna watch her get out of my car and walk away.
Her door is already open by the time I get around the SUV, and I close it for her, boxing her against it before she can disappear into her apartment.
“You’re amazing,” I whisper, running the tip of my nose across her cheek. “You know that, right?”
She lets out a soft giggle, resting her hands on either side of my waist. “I could ask you the same question.”
I smile, wishing I could say, “Yes, I’m amazing, and us together is fucking amazing.” But how can I?
With a soft swallow, I tip her chin, pressing my lips to hers and enjoying the way she responds to me, rising on her toes, pulling me in. I relax into the kiss, tasting her with my tongue, loving the way her body melds against mine when I wrap my arm around her waist.
I lift her off her feet for a brief moment, then force myself to put her down. As much as I want to spend the night with her wrapped in my arms, I need some space for a second. I need to process this war raging inside me. What I want versus what I deserve.
“Do you… do you want to come up?”
Yes! I want to hold you all damn night.
“I better not.” I sigh. “I have an early workout in the morning, and it’s your day off tomorrow. I want you to be able to sleep in.”
She smiles up at me, the streetlight above us illuminating her pretty face. “You’re sweet.”
“You’re gorgeous.” I drink her in, loving her smile and the way her face just lit up at my honest assessment.
“Good night, Black Jack.”
“Good night, Dani Girl.”
Rising on her tiptoes one more time, she pecks my lips, then ducks under my arm and walks toward the door.
I spin, leaning against my car and watching her until she’s disappeared inside. She gives me one more wave through the glass before taking the stairs… and I can finally slump with a huff and mutter a string of curses.
“Fuck. Shit. I know. I’m scum. I’m sorry, Atlas. I’m sorry.”
I say it the whole way home, totally ruining my night and forgetting to dwell on how perfect it was sitting there at the end of the bar, watching Dani work, then getting to dance with her, kiss her, pleasure her.
Shit, she was fucking amazing. Being inside her was better than anything I’ve had before.
She moved with me. Our rhythm was so in sync.
“So…” I shake my head and, for a horrible second, picture what it must have been like for Dani and Atlas.
“Fuck!” I squeeze my eyes shut, begging my brain not to go there.
He was always very protective of their relationship, and although he told me about how they lost their virginity together, he tended to keep their private times private, and I respected that.
Even though I was hella curious about sex, I didn’t push him.
They were like sixteen, I think. They’d been dating for a year when they finally crossed that line, and it brought them even closer together.
And tonight has brought me and Dani closer together too. I can feel it in my core.
Which is why I’ve got to shake this guilt, or it’s going to destroy us. But how do I do that?
It should have been Atlas tonight.
“He should still be here,” I mutter to myself as I close the front door of Football Frat and lean my forehead against it.
“You okay, man?” Grady’s voice is a soft rumble, but it still gives me an electric jolt. I spin around to find him standing at the bottom of the stairs with a glass of water in his hand.
“Uh…” I nod, but obviously look anything but good, because he changes trajectory, tipping his head in the direction of the living room.
I should tell him, “Nah, I’m good. I’m just gonna go to bed.” But instead, I follow him, plunking onto the opposite end of the couch and staring at him. He stares right back, patiently waiting the way he always does.
Grady’s a good guy to talk to. I like the way he doesn’t try to coax and cajole. There’s a lot of space with him, which is why after only a short minute, I end up spilling…
“I slept with Dani tonight.”
His eyebrows rise, his lips twitching with a smile.
“I didn’t plan it that way. She was closing up, and when the lights went off, the music was still playing. We danced and… one thing led to another.”
“Nice, man. I know how much she means to you.”
“Yeah.” I tap the back of the couch, staring at the blank TV screen and internally gasping for air. The guilt is a thick swamp, taking me under, trying to choke me out.
“So, what’s the problem? You not into her anymore? Did you not feel it when—”
“Of course I’m into her.” I bulge my eyes at him. “She’s fucking perfect, and the sex was…” I bite my lips together before I spill too much. I doubt Dani wants me talking about her glorious tits or the way she felt wrapped around me.
Grady watches me carefully, like he’s trying to read my mind, and I can tell the moment it dawns on him.
And if anyone in this house gets it, it’s him.
“She’s your best friend’s girl. Or at least, she used to be.”
My throat swells, and all I can do is nod.
“I know that you already know this,” he starts, his tone measured.
“And you probably don’t need me to say it out loud, but the look on your face right now is forcing the words out of me.
” Grady shuffles on the couch, angling his body toward mine.
“Atlas is dead, man. It’s okay to move on. He’d want that for her. For you.”
“But would he want us together?” I fire out the question. “She was his woman. He loved her, more than anything else.”
“Then why was he so reckless? Why’d he end his life?”
“He didn’t commit suicide,” I bite back, refusing to believe that. “And if I’d been there, he wouldn’t have taken those pills. I would have been keeping an eye on him.”
“That wasn’t your responsibility,” Grady reminds me softly.
“You carry so much guilt around not being there for him that night… but you never seem to acknowledge his part in all this. You didn’t force those drugs down his throat.
He took them. He messed up. And don’t even get me started on all the other people who would have been around him that night, who could have checked him but didn’t.
And who gave him those pills, huh? It wasn’t you.
” His voice is so emphatic. “None of that’s on you, brother. ”
I clench my jaw, wishing I could believe that, logically knowing there’s a grain of truth to what he’s saying.
But maybe if I’d been there, he wouldn’t have been tempted to do it. He was probably pissed off, wounded, because I hadn’t showed. Just like his father never showed. His best friend had let him down, and he wanted to numb that feeling. So he drank too much and mixed his drugs… and ended his life.
“That wasn’t your responsibility.”
The thought takes me out, slamming into me like a smack around the ears. My head rings with those four words, because I’ve never let myself think them before. I didn’t want to blame my dead friend, so I took it all on myself. And I’ve never really sat with the idea that Atlas had a part to play.
“Falling in love with his woman… that’s nothing to feel guilty about either.” Grady’s words catch me off guard, and I spin to face him, blinking as I try to process what he said.
Falling in love.
Is that what I’m doing?
The way I felt tonight sure makes me wonder, because this is something new. Something I’ve never experienced. Dani has never been more precious to me.
Shit, maybe I am falling in love with her!
“You’re giving each other a fresh start, and that’s a good thing. Don’t go fucking it up by drowning yourself in remorse.” Again, Grady’s words slap me hard.
I blink, staring at him until he becomes a blurry blob on the couch.
“Tyrell?” He waves his hand in front of my face, pulling himself back into focus. “You hearing me, man?”
“Yeah,” I croak, then force myself to nod. “Yeah, I’m hearing you.”
His compassionate smile makes my insides buckle.
“Look, I know this is a journey, and maybe it’s not my place to say all of that to you, but I love you, man. And I want to see you happy. You’ve definitely been lighter since you started this double-date thing. And… you asked God to find you a woman, remember?”
I snicker, shaking my head. “And he found me my best friend’s girl?”
Grady winces. “Yeah, the Big G’s got a sick sense of humor. I’m sure he was laughing his ass off when he put me and Blake together.”
My snicker turns into a genuine laugh.
“I tried to fight so hard against everything I was feeling for her.” Grady shakes his head. “And it made me fucking miserable. All because I didn’t want to hurt Wily. In the end, it made everything worse. I should have just owned it right from the start, talked to him about how I was feeling.”
I go still, his words sinking into me.
“And I shouldn’t have fought so hard. I ended up hurting Blake by rejecting her, and what a fucking waste. Thankfully, we got through it pretty quickly, but still… all that angst when I should have just been honest.”
Now I’m nodding, although I still can’t say anything.
“Don’t let your guilt over something that happened three years ago ruin what could be an amazing, beautiful thing. You and Dani both deserve to be happy. You’re two good people. And good people should be together, you know?”
My lips curl into a grateful smile, and I manage to rasp a soft “Thanks, man.”
He holds out his hand, and I give it a quick slide before snapping my fingers and watching him walk up the stairs… to his bed… where Blake is no doubt waiting for him.
Pulling out my phone, I brush my thumb over the screen and send Dani a quick text.
Me: Thanks for the best date I’ve ever had.
Dani Girl: That wasn’t a date. That was you watching me work.
Me: The ending was pretty date-like.
Dani Girl: The ending was perfect.
I smile at her words, clutching the phone in my hand before sending her a string of emojis and a quick good night.
She returns the favor, and I head up to my room, begging myself to believe that what happened between us was meant to be…
and that Atlas, wherever he is in the afterlife, will forgive me for taking something that meant so much to him.