Chapter 41 #2
“I cried every night during senior year. She told me I couldn’t go to prom because she thought someone from your group would ask me.
Not that it appealed to me anyway, it wasn’t my thing.
So she told all the girls I had a drug problem, that I was fat, and a tag-along to your group.
So I started to take appetite suppressants, starve myself, and workout like crazy and that’s when—”
“—you collapsed. Fuck, she almost killed you! You scared me so much that day, Alex.”
“Honestly, I was more annoyed at myself that I woke up. I wish I hadn’t.
When the whole thing happened the night of prom with me and my dad, none of the girls would talk to me.
They said I ‘ruined their chances of being with top athletes and models’.
I felt bad enough that I ruined everyone’s night, the only person who noticed me crumbling was Pop.
He saved me from myself. I was so close so many times, but he always knew and helped me.
That’s why I used to be so angry with you, I thought you were in on all of it.
It made me not trust people, I didn’t even trust my own family for a while, making me guarded.
I’m still a guarded person, I have to be.
I’ve never let people in easily because of all of this.
Well, some people I’ve let in, but it’s been rare. ”
Feeling my shoulders slump down and feeling so small, it was strange talking about this, but it was even stranger talking about this with Knox.
“God, Alex... you never ruined anything, you couldn’t. You always made everything. Fuck! How was I so blind?” I turn to face him and I see tears streaming down his face.
Oh my god, he’s crying. Why is he crying? I feel so bad now.
“Why are you crying? Don’t cry! It was hard to see, Knox, I don’t blame you. Hannah only knew and I begged her not to tell anyone, it would’ve made it worse.”
I hugged him closer to me by his waist and he stiffened at my touch but relaxed soon after, wrapping his own arms around me.
“Worse? How could she have made it worse, Alex?”
“Knox, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, I would be.
.. in a grave somewhere. I know for a fact I wouldn’t have been able to take much more from them.
Do you know how much I hated myself? I would cry myself to sleep every night, thinking what I would’ve been like if I wasn’t around.
I would write notes to everybody in preparation.
Look, I’m not throwing myself a pity party, I’ve done that.
I just sometimes wish I wasn’t here, you know?
” I lean back to look up at him. His cheeks were still wet and his eyes were bloodshot.
“No, Alex, I don’t know and neither should you.
Please never talk like this again. It destroyed me to see you that time when you had that nightmare at home, and it’s killing me to hear you talk like this.
I don’t know who I would be if I had never met you.
Jesus, Alex, I’m so sorry I never knew. If I had known, I wouldn’t have been so rude and mean to you. ”
“I’m alright now, it feels good to get it off my chest. Honestly, I thought you would’ve been the last person I’d share this with.
Who’d have thought I’d be having a heart-to-heart with you?
” I laugh heartily, trying to lighten the situation, and it’s working.
He sends me his gorgeous smile through teary eyes, which I was grateful for.
“To be honest, I enjoyed being around you sometimes. You were the only person who had decent comebacks, you kept it entertaining for me,” making us both laugh once more.
We sit there smiling at each other for a while, it’s not uncomfortable. His smile gets wider and wider as the time goes on, as does mine.
“You always had such a beautiful smile, Alex.” My eyes grow wide at his compliment. I had shock all over my face, I couldn’t even believe he knew the word beautiful.
“Seriously? Who are you and what have you done with Knox?”
He pulls me close to him and I wipe his tears away, realizing how close we are to each other. We look at each other once more with smiles on our faces, I’m still wiping his cheeks softly.
“You don’t take compliments very well, do you?”
“I don’t get them very often to take them very well.”
“Well, get used to it because I’m giving you one every day starting tomorrow, well today but I’ll give you another one.”
“Knox, I’m good, everyone will think you got a concussion if you start doing that to me, and Kyle will kill you.”
“I’m not worried about Kyle, I could take him!” He boasts, puffing his chest out at me. “Besides, every woman should be complimented every day for the rest of their lives.”
“Okay, now that’s too much. I prefer not being noticed at all, it’s what I’m used to. I’m not the type who walks into a room and commands attention. Not like the ones you go out with!”
I teased him by poking his rib, making him jolt forward and grab my hands to stop me.
“You could never go unnoticed and ouch, baby doll. I never thought of them as serious, just something to have until I’m ready to make my move.”
“Make your move? Ohhhhh, that complicated girl? Or complicated situation? Whatever,” I wave off, not remembering what he said. “Tell me about her, do I know her?” I feel a slight twist in my stomach after the question.
“You know her, don’t you? I’m not sure what else to ask,” he chuckles, a hint of nervousness in his laughter. His gaze meets mine again. I don’t understand why I keep prying about this girl. I’m not sure I want to know the answers.
“Describe her to me. Tell me what you like about her. Why is it so complicated?” I can’t seem to stop the words from tumbling out. It’s like verbal diarrhea.
“Maybe another time. I need to figure things out with her first, then I’ll fill you in. How does that sound?”
I nod, acknowledging his discomfort in discussing his personal life and this enigmatic girl. We’ll get there. It’s just a matter of time.
Once again, we fall into a comfortable silence. I snuggle closer to him, seeking his warmth. My gaze drifts back to the beach, still shrouded in darkness.
“I like this,” he murmurs into my hair. His words catch me off guard, and I sit up slightly, bringing myself almost eye level with him. I offer him a smile, and he turns to face me, returning my smile.
He leans in closer, stopping when his lips are just inches from mine. We continue to hold each other’s gaze. God, this is so romantic.
Feeling our breaths mingle, he asks, “Can I kiss you?” It takes a moment for the shock to dissipate, a shock I’m sure was evident on my face. I nod, yes.
His lips meet mine, and the soft warmth they transfer sends a wave of sensation coursing through my body. His hand comes up to cradle my head, holding it in place.
What starts as a light peck quickly evolves into him tracing the bottom of my lower lip with his tongue, seeking entrance, which I readily grant.
I find myself pressing against his chest, his other arm winding around my waist, pulling me closer to his heated body. Our tongues dance together, not in a battle for dominance, but in a tender exploration.
As we tilt our heads to deepen the kiss, my hand finds its way to the back of his hair, tugging slightly. The throaty moan he releases sends a thrill through me. That was hot.
He pulls me on top of him, keeping the blanket wrapped securely around me. One hand remains at the side of my face, while the other ventures down to cup my ass.
His hand travels up my back, lifting my shirt slightly, and he lightly strokes my skin.
My arms wrap around his neck, pulling him closer.
I feel myself inadvertently grinding against his arousal.
He releases another deep moan, and I revel in the sound.
I repeat the motion, this time slower, harder, and entirely intentional.
He breaks the kiss, and we rest our foreheads together, his eyes closed.
We’re both panting, the situation escalating rapidly.
“Hey, look at me,” I whisper, cupping his face. After a moment, he opens his eyes to meet my gaze. “I’m sorry, I thought you liked it—”
“Baby doll, I did like it. I just don’t want to take advantage of you. Not after what we discussed earlier. I can’t do that to you. I won’t be able to control myself.”
“It’s okay, Knox, I understand,” I assure him, and I bravely lean in to kiss him again before settling back down next to him.
What am I doing? I chastise myself. I just dry-humped him, twice! And he stopped me. He definitely didn’t like it.
Why am I doing this to myself? He doesn’t like me! I don’t look like the girls he usually goes for, Alex! You’re not in the same league.
Ignoring my own thoughts for the rest of the night, I lay back down and feel him pull me closer to his side. As we get comfortable again, I don’t notice when we both drift off to sleep on the deck.