Chapter 26
Weeks pass and I realise that I still haven’t heard from Mark, to follow up on meeting Lila. So I send him a message.
Hi Mark, can we have a chat to discuss how we’re going to introduce you to Lila?
Want us to be on the same page with everything for Lila’s sake.
Also suggest we meet at our local playground one weekend morning for an hour.
Let me know when you can chat.
Thanks, Sophie
Mark’s online as I type and I see that he’s reads the messages, so I half expect an immediate response, but nothing comes.
‘What are we eating tonight?’ Poppy asks, walking into the kitchen in my new Birkenstocks. ‘Also, isn’t it a relief that it’s finally stopped raining? I mean April showers is one thing, but it’s June!’ Poppy flops down at my kitchen table and helps herself to an apple.
‘What’s with the look?’ I ask, pointing at her feet. She’s teamed my sandals with heart print socks.
‘It’s giving trendy-grandad, right?’ She grins.
‘It’s giving stealing-from-your-own-sister, more like.’
Poppy ignores this. ‘Adam’s being a pain in the butt.’
‘How so?’ I ask.
‘Urgh,’ she says, eyes rolling at the thought of her flatmate, best friend and definitely not should-be other half. ‘So, last night we were both in the flat and he’d picked up my favourite beer on the way home. He came in, asked how my day had been and we ended up having a really good catch-up. I mentioned that I’d been on a date with Akoni and he went all weird. I think the words international rugby star did something to his ego? Some weird man stuff I don’t understand?’
‘Hold up, you’ve been on a date with Akoni?’
‘Did I not tell you?’
‘No!’
‘He asked me out the last time I was at The Royal Oak.’
‘Mum said you practically lived there now.’
Poppy rolls her eyes at this.
‘So how was the date?’
‘Oh, fine I guess.’ This seems a tepid response from the woman who has been flirting with Akoni relentlessly for over a month.
‘You’ve painted a real vivid picture there, Pop. I feel like I was on the date with you! When did this happen by the way?’
‘A couple of weeks ago I think.’
I can’t believe she’s left it this long to tell me. Something has got to be up.
Poppy sighs dramatically. ‘Fine. We went for drinks down on Welsh Back and he was very charming but I just didn’t get the right vibe.’
‘You mean there was no physical connection?’
‘Oh no, there was plenty of that. I mean, he’s hot and I’m hot, it’s a match made in heaven, right? But after a while I realised that was all there was between us. Just a physical thing. The conversation didn’t flow and I felt like we didn’t bond on any other level. We called it a night after a couple of drinks.’
‘Hmm. So what you’re saying is you’re looking for someone who offers you more than just a physical thing?”
‘I guess so,’ she muses. ‘Who’d have thought it? I mean, obviously he needs to be smoking hot still. But I wouldn’t mind a bit of depth too.’
IT’S ADAM, shouts my brain. Thankfully not aloud. Instead I take my chance to drop some subtle hints.
‘Maybe someone who knows what your favourite drink is and buys it for you on the way home?’ I suggest.
‘That would be sweet.’
‘Or someone who knows you inside out and loves every last bit of you?’
‘Well, I mean, obviously.’
‘Or, say, someone who hosts a Romantic Poetry Appreciation Society for you, in his own home, because he knows how important it is to you?’ Maybe that last one wasn’t quite so subtle.
Poppy scowls at me.
‘Adam?’ she says, like it’s the strangest idea in the world.
‘Just saying, Pop. He’s a catch and he adores you. What’s he up to tonight?’
‘Volunteering.’
‘Oh wow, doing what?’
‘Something to do with inner city wildlife conservation? I don’t know, Soph, he’s always doing something or other to help out. I lose track.’
‘Your philanthropy knows no bounds.’
‘Oh piss off. I do go and help him out sometimes but I didn’t fancy it tonight, mostly because I wanted to see you and Lila.’
‘Are you seriously considering a proper relationship then, Pop?’
‘I think I’m ready for it. I feel like this is my time. I’ve been back in Bristol for a while and I’ve worked my way through my Rolodex of hot available Bristolians.’
I snort. ‘I would love to see that Rolodex.’
‘Here,’ she says, pulling up her phone and scrolling through her contacts. ‘The ones marked with HAB are the Hot Available Bristolians.’
‘Oh my god, Poppy.’ I laugh. ‘I thought you were joking.’
‘I never joke about my love life. Anyway, it’s your fault I’m feeling like this.’
‘How so?’
‘Seeing you and Joe together,’ she explains. ‘You two are really close. Shared jokes, knowing looks, sometimes you seem to get what the other one is thinking without even having to say a word. So yeah, it’s your fault that I’m ending my sexual exploration phase and moving towards a proper relationship.’
‘A proper relationship,’ I repeat. What a joke, I think, considering I haven’t heard from him in weeks, ever since our dinner date. But now is not about me and Joe. I want to press her on the Adam thing. How he is so literally ideal for her. But I’ve already said a fair bit on that subject and it might not be pretty if I push too hard.
‘Let the idea percolate.’ I grin, smiling at the sight of my little sister now just starting to notice the dots that the rest of us connected a long time ago. ‘Okay, let’s decide on food and talk outfits for Alexis’s wedding. I think I might buy something new.’
‘Shopping trip!’ Poppy beams.
After we’ve eaten, and Lila is asleep, Poppy and I spend some time looking at outfits online before she announces she has coursework to do, sitting cross-legged in the living room to do it.
I potter around the house for a bit, thinking about how I had invited Joe to the wedding and feeling increasingly grumpy about his lack of communication again. I’d thought we were getting back on track after our meal out but he’s gone quiet and it’s bugging me so much I could burst. Will he even still want to come to the wedding? I could message him but then he could ignore me again and suddenly, I find myself itching to confront him about it. It’s still pretty early so I ask Poppy if she minds if I pop over to Joe’s to chat about something. She’s preoccupied with work and calls out a ‘sure’ so I reclaim my Birkenstocks, and slip my phone into the back pocket of my shorts.
‘Don’t be too long! Just a quickie WINK WINK,’ Poppy calls after me as I’m leaving.
Chance would be a fine thing, I think.
Wait, no, stop that, Sophie! Joe’s your FRIEND.
Or is he even that these days?
It’s a balmy June night so even though it’s not a long walk I’m a little too hot when I get to Joe’s. I ring the bell and absent-mindedly scoop my hair up in my fist, letting the gentle breeze cool my neck.
The door opens and there stands Joe, naked but for a towel wrapped around his waist.
I swallow hard. His taut body is still damp from a shower. The towel sits low on his hips and my eyes track from his belly button down towards—
‘I wasn’t expecting you,’ Joe says, interrupting my thoughts.
Eyes front, Sophie.
‘Err … yep. I know, I just … wanted to ask you something!’ I say, letting go of my hair and giving him a somewhat unnecessary wave.
He stands back to let me in and as I squeeze past I can feel the warmth coming from him. I’m overwhelmed with an urge to press myself against him. The wave of desire is so strong that I’m almost paralysed by it.
The front door shuts behind me.
‘You’ve got a …’ Joe’s fingers are on the back of my neck and I freeze, the feel of his touch searing through me.
I spin round to face him.
‘Label,’ he says. ‘Your label was poking out.’
‘I bought beer!’ I say, lifting up a four pack of his favourite that I picked up from the corner shop on the way over. ‘Why don’t I open us one while you finish up getting naked. DRESSED. I meant dressed. Put some clothes on, Joe, for goodness sake ha ha!’
That was too much. Joe looks startled. I am a giant pool of cringe.
‘I’ll do that,’ he says, his voice thick, and he jogs back upstairs.
My breathing steadies as I open the beers. That was … unfortunate. But nothing else. Just to be expected? He’s a good-looking guy and it’s not like I’m a nun, I’m bound to experience the odd flash of desire when Joe’s around being all naked. It’s natural, I reassure myself. And it’s how I deal with it that counts.
Just stick to the plan.
Suddenly Mum’s story about Auntie Belinda and her friend with benefits pings into my mind. Could Joe and I try that? Call it a palate cleanser?
The thought of sleeping with Joe is so appealing in this moment that I have to head over to the sink and run cold water over my pulse points just to try and cool down. I stand at the sink for ages, thoughts of Joe in his towel and of our kiss unhelpfully flashing through my mind. The fact that I apparently find him divine to look at is becoming a problem. The way his hair flops down over his eyes in disobedient increments. The flash of fire when he looks at me …
Jesus! What has gotten into me?
I’ve probably run down all the reservoirs in Bristol by the time I get a hold of myself and turn off the cold tap.
When Joe comes back he’s wearing shorts and a T-shirt.
He still looks good, wet hair now pushed back from his face, but mercifully less naked.
‘So, what did you want to ask me?’ he asks as he grabs a beer.
‘It’s been a while. I feel like you’ve been up and down to York a fair bit. How is work? How are you?’
‘I’d rather not talk about work if it’s all the same with you.’
‘Oh, sure,’ I reply, a bit surprised. He has never said that before. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Yeah it’s just busy and, I dunno, I’ve got some big decisions to make,’ he sighs.
‘Well, I hate to brag, but I’m very good at helping people make decisions.’
He sucks his breath in.
‘I appreciate that but I think I need to wrap my head around this one on my own.’
‘Okay.’ I nod. ‘Just … I am here for you, Joe. You do know that?’
He doesn’t answer that, but instead makes a noncommittal noise. I start to peel the label on my beer bottle.
He seems to be stifling all chance of an actual conversation so I cut to the chase.
‘I just wondered if you still wanted to come to that wedding I invited you to. It’s pretty obvious you’re avoiding me, so I didn’t know …’ I shrug, exasperated. ‘Things seemed to be all right by the time we finished that dinner, or at least I thought we might be back on track, but you’ve gone weird and quiet on me again. We’re meant to be mates and yet I get the distinct impression that you’re keeping something from me.’
‘Oh,’ Joe laughs mirthlessly, ‘that is rich coming from you.’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Jesus, Sophie. You think I’m holding something back? Take a look in the mirror! You don’t let anyone in. You’re like this castle under lock and key, and the only people who gain access are your family. Like, I’m here! I’ve been here, leaning up against those castle walls for fucking ages and I’m lucky if you crack open a window for me.’
‘Are you kidding?’ I cry, so stung that I can feel tears welling. ‘I haven’t kept you at a distance. Right now I’m the only one who’s trying here! Are you only interested in me when you think you’re going to get laid, is that what it is?’
Joe lets out an audible gasp and I instantly regret what I said.
‘That is catastrophically inaccurate,’ he says, wounded but also cross.
I should apologise. Tell him I didn’t mean that. But I feel so backed up against a wall, so hurt by all this bullshit that it’s come down to fight or flight mode. And today, I’m choosing to fight.
‘Well then, what is it?’ I say angrily. ‘Because you’ve completely shut down on me. Christ knows I could do with a friend right now. There’s so much going on and I need you, your friendship, and you haven’t been there. You’ve been a shit mate.’
If I was hoping to feel good about that, then I was sadly mistaken. The wounded look on his face hits me like a sucker punch.
But I’m far too stubborn to take it back.
‘Maybe that’s because we’re not friends?’ he says, rubbing a hand across his jaw.
‘Why would you say that?’
‘I don’t think we’re meant to be friends, Sophie. I just … I’m not sure I can do it.’
My head is spinning.
‘You’re my best friend,’ I whisper. ‘Or at least I thought you were. I think I’d better go.’
‘Sophie,’ Joe exhales, looking torn.
But I just gather my stuff and leave. I can’t believe I’ve made such a fool of myself.