Chapter 27
It’s another full week before Mark replies.
Really disappointed to hear that you aren’t taking the job Sophie.
Such a shame. Sure I can’t change your mind?
Re: Lila. Happy to meet in a playground. I’m actually around this weekend, shall we do tomorrow?
My instant reaction is unimpressed. He’s talking shop first? And the tone has me irked, too. ‘Re: Lila’? She’s a child, not the topic of a business email, Mark! I also don’t love that he’s suddenly made himself available for tomorrow. It gives us no time to prepare, which is vital. I don’t want him to go rushing into meeting Lila. He’s pushing his own agenda rather than sticking to mine, which I won’t have, so I send back a sharp-ish reply.
Can’t do tomorrow but let’s look at some other dates.
Lila has been counting down the days until her and Sid’s joint birthday party for over a month. Some days this has involved a lengthy discussion about the concept of time, where I’m grilled so relentlessly on what constitutes minutes, hours, days and weeks that I start to doubt my own grasp on the theory.
Obviously to organise it Joe and I have had to exchange texts. But honestly that’s been it – simple messages to work out arrangements. We haven’t met, I haven’t apologised for saying that shitty thing and he hasn’t tried to clear the air. And quite frankly I don’t feel like I have the headspace until Lila’s birthday is over. I’ve had the usual work stuff, the usual parenting stuff, the extra birthday party stuff and oh yes, also a complete lack of enthusiasm to tackle the Joe situation. How many times should I keep trying to patch things up, only to get shot down?
‘It’s today!’ Lila sings, knee-sliding into my bedroom.
‘Yes, it is.’ I beam, scooping her up onto my bed for a snuggle. She wriggles free and assesses my outfit in the manner of her auntie Poppy.
‘Are you wearing that to the party?’ she asks, tilting her head to the side.
‘No, darling, right now I’m wearing my pyjamas because it’s only five o’clock in the morning.’
‘How many minutes until the party?’
I yawn, far too tired to do the maths. ‘Party starts at midday. We’ve got seven whole hours to get ready.’
Lila considers this. ‘We’d better get started then. Can I wear my biker jacket and my shark costume?’
She looks so hopeful that I can’t say no. ‘You can wear whatever you like, just remember it’s going to be hot. When it’s hot, we wear less clothes to keep us cool.’
Lila nods sagely. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’
We arrive at the church hall half an hour before the party starts to find Joe and Sid already there. The kids immediately race outside to test the bouncy castle Joe ordered, while he and I get set up. Party bags are stuffed and ready to go, food is laid out on platters, music linked to speakers.
‘I underestimated how long it would take to blow up these balloons,’ Joe puffs.
‘I know!’ I squeak, thrilled that he’s talking to me like a normal person. ‘Pass the parcel might be the end of me.’
He nods, nudging another roll of Sellotape my way. Together we take a seat on the floor in the middle of the hall, surrounded by party decs, and I realise I’m holding my breath.
‘Everything … okay?’ I ask tentatively, hoping to convey that what I really mean is ‘has the atmosphere between us gone?’
‘Everything’s good,’ Joe says astutely. ‘Sorry I’ve been a bit quiet lately.’
Could he be any more decent? Not long ago I was accusing him of only wanting one thing from our friendship and he’s apologising? Let’s just say I now feel like a douche.
‘Joe, I’m so sorry I said what I did.’
‘No worries. There’s been a lot going on.’ He smiles at me. ‘But it’s good to see you again. Really good.’
My heart does a happy leap at this. ‘Yeah, you too. Oh, here, let me help.’
Joe’s fumbling with the ties on some party hats.
‘It’s easier with little fingers,’ I say.
‘In that case, I’ll finish the paper chains.’
We sit contentedly as we work through the jobs and it feels so nice, like we’re a proper team getting stuff done.
‘I massively underestimated everything that my parents did for me when I was little,’ Joe’s saying as the chain gets longer.
‘Totally,’ I agree. ‘I’ll be happy if I never see a cheese sandwich again. Did I tell you that Celeste messaged and said Oscar can only eat organic wholemeal sourdough, that burrata is preferable to mozzarella and no hotdogs unless they’re Cumberland not frankfurters.’
Joe chuckles. ‘That woman is something else.’
‘Wait, how could I forget, also genoise sponge not plain!’
Joe is laughing and his eyes twinkle. ‘Thanks for dealing with all that, Sophie.’
‘It’s no problem. Thanks for sorting out the bouncy castle.’
‘No, look, Sophie, really. Thanks.’ And he reaches over and hugs me. It’s just a friendly hug, the kind that feels almost purposefully platonic, and I can sense that Joe seems serious for a reason I can’t put my finger on. Nevertheless, we stay there for a second longer than is necessary.
‘Cookie and Gramps are here!’ Sid suddenly calls, racing back inside as Joe’s mum and dad walk in with trays of freshly baked birthday one-eyed monster and alicorn biscuits – the party’s much deliberated theme.
Joe pulls back and smiles down at me. ‘And thanks for helping Denise establish this amazing cookie business. She’s so excited. I’m glad I met you.’
He’s glad he met me?
‘Joe, why are you talking like one of us is dying?’ I blurt out. This all sounds so final he’s got me worried. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine.’ He gives me a reassuring look, but for some reason I don’t feel fully convinced.
‘Can we eat one?’ asks Lila, greedily eyeing up the cookies.
‘Just one,’ says Denise, winking. ‘And look at you, birthday girl, don’t you look fantastic!’
In the end Lila opted to wear spotty pink leggings, an old moth-eaten Fido Dido T-shirt that I had when I was little and some butterfly wings. It’s quite the look.
‘The hall looks fantastic already!’ Denise continues. ‘Now Jim’s brought his step-ladder, are we putting bunting up?’
There are quite a few kids already there when Celeste arrives with Oscar, Otto and a man who looks like he’s off to shoot pheasants. She calls Joe and I over with a ‘cooey’ so I abandon my duties as temporary tattoo chief and head over to the main entrance.
‘Thanks so much for having us,’ she says, flashing a mouth full of pristine white veneers. ‘This is Jared, our head gardener. He has our gifts for Lila and Sidney in his truck in the car park.’
‘Oh right, lovely. Thanks, Celeste, and hi, Jared, you’re very welcome to stay. We have coffees and cakes for the grown-ups.’
‘Oh no,’ Celeste replies on his behalf. ‘He’s just come to talk you through the gifts. Sidney! Lila!’ she booms, beckoning our kids over. ‘Come outside to see your pressies.’
The thrill of having a truck outside with the promise of gifts entices the children over and soon enough we’re stood in the hall car park while Jared unlocks the back of his pick-up. Two saplings tied with a bow stand in the back.
Sidney picks his nose.
Lila gets in for a closer look. ‘Is it a flower?’
‘Close,’ says Jared. ‘It’s a baby cherry tree.’
‘For me?’
‘There’s one for each of you,’ Celeste says. ‘They represent good fortune and happiness, don’t they, Jared?’
‘I don’t know about that, Mrs Battenberg, but I do know that it will blossom into the prettiest pink flowers in spring. The bees in your garden will love it.’
‘That’s really thoughtful, thank you, Jared, thank you, Celeste,’ I say.
It’s not what I was expecting, because let’s be honest, who buys five-year-olds a tree for a present? But it is also strangely very cool.
‘Can I eat the cherries?’ Sidney asks, looking a bit nonplussed.
‘I’m afraid not, young man, but you can water it and help it to grow.’
Miraculously, both kiddos remember to say thank you before they lose interest completely and abandon the miniature trees for more time with their pals inside. Jared offloads the saplings and actually doffs his cap at Celeste before he heads off.
‘I love cherry blossom,’ I say as we head back in.
‘Japan in cherry blossom season is on Sophie’s holiday bucket list,’ Joe explains to Celeste. I’m shocked that he’s remembered this fact from our early getting-to-know-you dates. He shoots me a quick smile before finding himself cornered by one of the dads.
‘Well then,’ Celeste leans in conspiratorially, ‘these trees will be perfect for your blended families, won’t they? Just imagine when you and Joe move in together. Sidney and Lila can have matching ones in their garden!’
I’m so caught off guard by the thought that I’m momentarily speechless. A garden with two cherry blossoms in it. Our garden.
I bite my lip. I’m still a little unsettled by Joe’s hug from earlier. And just like that, I think I’ve figured out what’s going on. Joe’s going to suggest we let our fake romance fizzle out before the end of the summer, isn’t he? That would make sense. It has been a bit ridiculous that we have hardly been seeing each other and pretending to be dating too. But I suppose it was always going to happen. And perhaps it’s not a bad thing. We can stop pretending and actually focus on our friendship. It might help us clear the air.
‘Let’s not marry us off just yet, Celeste. Ha ha! Gosh, there’s a big queue at the tattoo station, I’d better get back,’ and I scoot away.
The party is a roaring success. We’ve had the occasional low point – one child sugar-slumped so hard she ended up face down in a tray of cupcakes, and there was an altercation between the twin boys in Lila’s class over who got to play with the only remaining yellow balloon dog – but other than that it’s been surprisingly stress-free. It’s funny seeing Lila amongst her class peers. She’s such a confident little girl and my heart swells as I watch her. I realise that she didn’t need my help making friends. But I do feel so grateful to Joe for coming into our lives back in February. I know we can work things out because even though we’ve argued a couple of times now, we do manage to fix things. I’d still be getting sidelined at the school gates if it weren’t for him and yet now Celeste is turning up at my child’s party with her head gardener in tow to lavish Lila with a cherry tree. I mean, I do know that Celeste is borderline bonkers but still, it’s really lovely to feel like part of the club.
I find Frankie sat on a jigsaw mat breastfeeding her youngest, baby sling hanging off her body, two half-empty mugs of tea next to her.
‘You all right?’
She sighs. ‘I can’t stop worrying that we got her name wrong.’
‘Baby Helen?’ I ask, kneeling down and looking at the gorgeous little thing.
‘It’s started to sound weird. Baby Helen. Is Helen a good name for a baby, Sophie?’
‘Helen’s a beautiful name, Frank. Do you think you’re a bit sleep deprived?’
‘Is it possible to be sleep deprived when you haven’t had any sleep for actual years?’ She yawns. ‘I’ve got three kids under five and it is hell.’
‘Jesus.’ I wince, settling down next to her on the mat. ‘Does Dave help at night?’
‘Dave’s really good,’ she sniffs. ‘But Dave doesn’t have breasts – well, actually he does but his don’t contain milk – so I take on Helen duties while he deals with the other two.’
‘It’s a lot.’
‘It’s a lot,’ she agrees with another yawn. ‘Is everything okay with you and Joe? You two don’t seem as tactile as you used to be. It’s like you’re not having as much of a laugh together anymore?’
I stare off at Joe. Frankie’s right, we have lost our spark. Suddenly and much to my dismay, I’m tearing up.
‘Oh love.’ Frankie pulls me in for a cuddle before finding a scrunched-up old tissue for me. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘It’s fine,’ I sniff, trying to pull myself together. ‘Truth is we’re having a bit of a time of it.’
Frankie frowns.
‘Want me to have him killed?’
I laugh. ‘Don’t think it’s quite that bad just yet but thanks, Frank.’
‘Wanna talk about it?’
I desperately do, but then I’d have to admit that Joe and I are a pack of lies in the first place. And I’m not brave enough to do that, besides, Lila’s birthday party is not the time.
‘It’s a long story.’ I shrug, scooping up baby Helen and giving her a cuddle.
‘Okay, well, I’m here for you always,’ says Frankie. ‘Is she making you broody?’
‘She’s adorable.’ I beam at the little squish. ‘But also, no. I’ve always felt so lucky to have Lila. I can’t imagine the dynamic if I had another kid. Plus, you know, I just don’t want to.’
‘God, your vagina must so shiny and new by now,’ Frankie says wistfully.
‘What are we talking about?’ Tally bounds over in a beautiful print dress, her hair cascading over her shoulders.
‘Sophie’s vagina,’ Frankie says.
I go with it.
‘I assume it’s a bit like what happens to your liver if you give up booze? Kind of rebuilding itself after birth. Five years down the line and your vagina must be almost pristine again.’
‘That’s actually not how it works,’ butts in Mel, ever the voice of reason, as she settles next to us on the mat with a mug of coffee.
‘Let me have my dreams,’ Frankie says, staring off into the middle distance. ‘When I gave birth to Helen, Dave said it was like watching his favourite pub burn down.’
‘Well, that’s incredibly rude,’ I protest on her behalf.
Frankie shrugs. ‘I can’t even sneeze without peeing now.’
‘Are you taking your supplements?’ Tally asks. ‘I’ve been on ashwagandha since Margot arrived and I swear by it. I light my vagina candle every time I have a bath and then my other recommendation is, of course, regular yoni steaming.’
Mel looks exasperated.
‘Ash-wa-what?’ Frankie mutters.
‘What’s a vagina candle?’ I ask.
‘“Yoni steaming”,’ tuts Mel, making air quotes with her fingers.
‘Ye of little faith. It’s a restorative herb,’ Tally explains. ‘You know, I really think I ought to do a post on this. “How to give your vag some tlc”. I’ll send you guys the link once it’s up,’ she says, skipping off to stop Margot from upending a bowl of Wotsits over her all-white outfit.
‘Mummy, that was the best party EVER,’ Lila says, wrapping her little arms around my waist and smushing chocolate cake into my jeans. ‘Bye, Auntie Poppy. Where are you going?’
‘I’ve got one of my Romantic poetry nights tonight and Adam’s going to help me set up,’ she replies.
Adam looks like a man resigned to his fate.
‘Honestly,’ says Mum as the two of them head off. ‘He’s been entertaining her niece all day and now he’s hosting a do for her at his flat? What a guy. Speaking of which, doesn’t Joe look handsome today?’
The woman is unstoppable. I turn my attention to waving goodbye to the last of the party guests. The church hall seems extremely quiet now that everyone has left. It does mean that Sidney has plenty of space to show off his transformation into an alicorn, though. He’s borrowed Lila’s butterfly wings and Adam made him his own unicorn head-dress out of balloons so he is now cantering around the room. Then Lila realises they have the bouncy castle to themselves and while we tidy up, they go off together to make the most of it.
With both sets of parents helping, we make great progress in next to no time, and there’s not that much left to do when I sense that Joe has joined me in the small kitchen, the warmth of his presence right behind me.
‘Sophie, I wanted to have a quick chat about something. How would you feel if I ask the parents to take the kids back?’
I was right. Here it comes. How are we going to do it? Plan a big faux-fight? Post matching messages? Or just announce it at the school gates? It makes me feel a bit sick to have to lie to everyone again, but it was always the plan I suppose, so I have to steel myself.
But I don’t turn around from washing up the last few mugs in the sink. ‘Oh. Um … yeah, of course,’ I say.