Chapter 28
I am a frazzled shell of my former self to be honest, and I’d quite like to go home and lie down on my sofa.
‘It was a great party, Sophie. You did good.’
I’ve just finished sweeping the floor (again) and I think that is the final job. I pack the broom away into the cupboard and see that Joe has taken two chairs from a stack and is taking a seat in one.
‘Here, take a load off,’ he offers.
Oh god, here we go. As I head over he produces two tiny screw-top bottles of red wine.
‘Looks like someone came prepared.’ I gratefully accept mine as I plonk myself into the plastic chair.
‘Scouts motto.’
‘You were not a scout!’ I laugh.
‘No, you’re quite right. Bet you were a Girl Guide, though?’
‘Naturally.’
We smile at each other for a moment, and it’s so nice that I almost forget about the weird end-of-days vibe. But as he takes a sip then leans forward, arms on knees, I get a strange sinking feeling deep in the pit of my stomach.
‘So Sophie, this thing I need to talk to you about—’
I jump in, desperately clinging to a lighter mood. ‘Don’t tell me you saw Oscar eating the white bread and plastic ham sandwiches too? Because Celeste is going to be fuming if she finds out.’
He smiles but he doesn’t bite. He looks almost troubled.
‘About that something,’ he says.
I could bring up the vagina candle, but what’s the point? My distraction techniques can’t stop the inevitable.
‘Go on.’
‘I … uh. I’m leaving,’ he says.
‘What, now?’
‘No, Sid and I are leaving Bristol. I’ve been offered a really good job. I know it will be a big upheaval for Sid. For me, too. But I’ve realised recently that there’s no real reason to stay in Bristol now.’
I feel like the breath has been knocked out of me. I can barely see straight, my head is swimming.
‘Where are you going?’ I ask, my throat tight.
‘York. You know I’ve been up a few times for work? They offered me the job and I’ve been umming and ahhing for ages …’ he trails off.
No! I shout inwardly. My fingers tighten around the bottle.
‘What made you say yes?’
Joe looks straight at me then, those soulful blue eyes of his boring deep into my soul.
He doesn’t answer my question.
I shake my head desolately, mind crowded with thoughts, but they all boil down to this: I don’t want him to go. And yet, I can’t stop him from going. I should say something. Tell him that I don’t want him to leave. But what would that accomplish? Asking him to miss out on a career opportunity for my sake would be unbelievably selfish. I push the temptation to say anything as far to the back of my mind as I can.
‘What about Denise and Jim?’ I ask eventually.
Joe twirls the bottle round in his hand. ‘We’ll miss them like mad but York’s not so far—’
‘Are you kidding?’ I interrupt. ‘It’s the other side of the country!’
‘Not quite,’ he says and smiles. ‘You can get a direct train in under four hours. I’ve given this a lot of thought. Mam and Dad are still pretty young, as it goes, and you’ve given Denise a new lease of life with the business. This isn’t going to be a permanent move, I imagine Sid and I will move back to Bristol eventually to be closer to the grandparents when they’re older. We’ll miss being just around the corner from them desperately but I’ve been completely upfront with the faculty up in York. I’m thinking of this as a kind of temporary step.’
‘How temporary? What do you mean by moving back to Bristol eventually?’ I’m aware that I’m firing questions at him but I feel like I’m grasping for facts when my whole world has just been turned on its axis.
‘I honestly can’t answer that, Sophie. I don’t want to keep uprooting Sid so if we come back, we will definitely do it in time for him to start secondary school.’
‘If you come back?’
Joe sighs. ‘You never know what’s around the corner. We might settle up in York, maybe I will meet someone.’ His piercing eyes flick back to mine again before he looks away. I find the idea of Joe meeting someone so painful that I have to bite back from voicing it.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I exhale, mind filing through the information he’s giving me to find one thing that I can focus on without wanting to combust. ‘You said you might be back for secondary school? That’s … that’s six years away.’
My head’s still spinning. I want to grab Joe by the shoulders and shout at him. Don’t go! Are you mad? Stay here because it’s fun and lovely and because I’ll miss you so much. The thought of not having him around makes my eyes prickle with tears and I have to set my wine down on the hall’s wooden floor and dig my nails into my palms to stop myself from crying.
He leans forward further, watching me, and I’m trapped. I can’t say any of that to him. I can’t tell him how I feel because that’s not fair on him. He wants more than a friendship, I know it. It’s written all over his face. That’s why he’s been pissed off with me recently. Because of all my bloody barriers and the way I bring things back to the plan. That kiss that we shared was so genuine, so real that even now just thinking about it sets my body on fire. The difference is that I can’t let that happen again. Joe wants more and I won’t open myself up to that.
I’m holding him back.
The realisation hits me like a punch to the gut.
‘What did your folks say?’ I whisper.
‘Haven’t told them yet.’ He shifts in his seat. ‘I suppose I do really want to know though, what do you have to say, Sophie?’
I feel devastated and a silence stretches between us.
‘Where are my manners,’ I reply eventually. ‘Congratulations on the job, Joe. York will be very lucky to have you.’
He looks at me again, as if he’s finally reconciling himself to something, and I just can’t be around him any longer. I ask him to lock up, make my excuses and head straight out of the church hall.