Chapter 66
CHAPTER 66
APRIL
T he room is perfect.
I’ll be sending Kat an enormous bouquet. She’s been messaging, hoping everything goes well, and trying to arrange another girls' night.
I walk up to the large windows that overlook manicured gardens. The large sofas are positioned opposite each other, and plumped-up cushions offer a homely vibe. My stomach churns as the moments tick by.
What the hell was I thinking? Why am I doing this?
I turn to face Cal, who is standing quietly near the door. My heart stutters as it always does when I see him. I can’t believe he is here with me, is supporting me. That he loves me.
I take a step towards him, as a knock resounds on the door. We both freeze, our eyes darting towards the sound.
“Come in,” Cal calls.
Miriam, the hotel manager, pops her head into the room. “Your guests have arrived. Would you like me to show them in? ”
His eyes move to mine, as do Miriam’s. I straighten my shoulders and raise my chin.
“Yes, please,” I say, my fingers plucking at the material of my dress.
Cal walks towards me, holding out his hand. I intertwine our fingers and appreciate when he gives them a gentle squeeze.
“You’ve got this,” he whispers, moving to my side as the door opens.
A woman enters, followed by a tall, slender man. The woman stops in her tracks, her eyes locking on mine, her mouth twisting, before a hand comes up to cover it.
It’s my turn to gasp, my other hand coming around my front to grip Cal’s arm.
“I know you,” I whisper, earning a sideways glance from Cal, his expression confused.
“April,” the woman who gave birth to me whispers, stepping forward. When I make no move towards her, she pulls up short. The man steps up to her, placing an arm around her shoulder.
“I know you, Sarah. How is that possible?” I say, my brain whirling with hurt and confusion. How and why? Understanding dawns in her eyes.
She nods, her bottom lip disappearing beneath her top teeth.
“You used to come to dance recitals,” I say. “You were there.”
I can sense Cal’s confusion next to me, but the squeeze of my fingers lets me know I am not alone. He has already told me that if I want to leave, I can. I’m in control.
Tim’s arm tightens around Sarah’s shoulders.
“I did,” she says, her chin dropping, but her eyes never leaving mine.
“Did Di know?” I ask, hoping and praying she says no .
“She did. It was Di who suggested it.” Her words shoot a lance of pain through my chest. Di knew my birth mother was there and never told me. Cal’s arm comes up around me and I realise I must have swayed into him.
“It’s not what you think,” Sarah’s voice pleads. “I contacted her through the agency. Asked to meet you. You told them you didn’t want to see me.” Her tone is desperate, and she holds up her hands towards me. “Please, April. You were twelve, and you’d just moved in with Di and Julian. I didn’t blame you; your life was in turmoil. I just wanted--”
Her voice catches and I find myself frozen to the spot. My thoughts racing… too many questions.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” I pull out of Cal’s arms and make my way past Sarah and Tim, neither tries to stop me, but I can’t miss the look of devastation on Sarah’s face.
I turn the handle and step out into the corridor, pleased we are away from the reception area and the prying eyes of other guests.
I lean back against the wall and close my eyes. Sucking in some shuddering breaths.
Shit what was I thinking?
I can’t do this.
I hear the low murmur, of Cal’s voice through the door, although I can’t make out the words. I bend double as a wave of nausea hits, the churning in my stomach now on double speed.
I straighten as I hear footsteps approach. Looking up, I see Miriam rounding the corner. She stops when she sees me and smiles.
“Can I get you anything?” she asks, clearly trying to ignore the fact I’m standing against the wall and having a panic attack.
“Can I order some tea and coffee?” I say, as it’s the first thing that comes into my head, although I think I’d rather order a double whiskey or brandy.
“Most certainly. I’ll get it sent straight in.” She turns and leaves and I push myself off the wall. I straighten my shoulders and turn back towards the door.
I’ve come to listen to what she has to say to allow for closure. I can’t get that if I hide in the corridor. I place my hand on the handle and turn, letting myself back in. I need, no, I deserve answers and I’m going to get them.
“Why? Why did you give me up?”
The words are out of my mouth before I’ve even re-entered the room fully. The hurt obvious in my voice. My eyes clash with Cal’s as I make my way back over to him. He inclines his head, his eyes shining with pride. I stand next to him, taking his hand in mine as I absorb his strength.
Sarah stands and moves towards me. She holds out a hand, and I stare at it. It’s only when I look in her eyes, I find myself raising my hand to hers and letting her clasp it. A warmth shoots up my arm and into my chest, my heart stuttering.
“I will not give you platitudes or excuses. I can tell you the truth. What you choose to do with that is up to you,” she says, gently squeezing my hand before letting it go.
There’s a clatter of a trolley outside, that has everyone turning to the door.
“I ordered some tea and coffee,” I say, stepping around my mother and moving towards one of the sofas. “Maybe we can all take a seat.”
I need to sit down, unsure how much longer my legs will hold me. My body is shaking, it’s all I can do to stop my teeth from chattering.
Miriam brings the trolley in, and Cal acknowledges her with a smile. I’m sure it’s not her job as hotel manager to act as tea person, but I suspect she wants to ensure what goes on within this room stays within the room. No newspaper stories or gossip.
“Thank you. We can serve ourselves,” Cal says, before she turns and leaves, closing the door behind her.
Cal’s serves everyone drinks before making his way to sit next to me, his thigh touching mine. Tim and Sarah taking a seat opposite.
Sarah takes a sip of her tea before placing the cup back on its saucer, the slight clatter as they connect, highlighting the tremor in her fingers.
“I was sixteen when I had you,” she begins. “I’d been on holiday with my parents. We were about to move house. We had already packed up the old house and were having renovations done on the new one. Dad decided a nice holiday in the sun was just what we needed.”
She smiles as if her words bring back fond memories.
I remain silent, although tension curls through my body. Cal rests a hand on my leg and I find myself clasping it in both of mine, a lifeline, as Sarah continues.
“Jeffrey was a year older. He was on holiday with his family too. We hit it off right away. Were inseparable. One thing led to another and —” She pauses. “The holiday ended. We were moving, and I didn’t know our new address. Jeffrey gave me his, and I hid it in the inside pocket of my suitcase. We promised to stay in touch. First love.”
She smiles again, but her eyes radiate a level of sadness when she looks at me. “You have his eyes,” she says suddenly, her gaze shifting to Tim’s. I watch as he takes her hand in his. He is sat as close as Cal is to me. Protecting, supporting.
Sarah’s eyes return to mine as she continues. “My case went missing on the flight home. Some might say it was fate. I didn’t really think much about it until a few months later, when my clothes started getting tighter. I was five months along before I knew I was pregnant. ”
“Five months?” I say. You hear stories of people going full term, but Sarah is slight. How on earth did she not know she was carrying me? As if sensing my question, she shrugs and lets out a self-deprecating chuckle.
“We’d been safe, or so I thought. I was young and na?ve. My periods were never particularly regular, and I was in my exam year. There was always an excuse.”
“Why didn’t you just give me up for adoption?” I blurt out. She clearly hadn’t wanted me. I was an accident through and through.
Sarah stares at me wide eyed, as if my words are a shock. I watch as she blinks back the tears that threaten. “Never,” she whispers. “I loved you with all my heart,” she says, wiping a tear that’s escaped and making its way down her cheek.
I shake my head, my thoughts spiralling. “I don’t understand.” If she loved me, then why are we here?
Sarah takes another sip of her tea, the cup shaking so much I watch as liquid almost breaches the top. Tim takes it off her and returns it to the table. She takes in a breath, before exhaling it slowly.
“My parents offered to help me raise you. We were doing great. I went back to school after you were born to finish my studies. Mum looked after you during the day. Dad went out to work.”
She pauses and I watch Tim clasp her hand, bringing it to his lips. She turns to him and gives him a small smile.
“Then Dad got sick, and our world changed. Mum had to go out to work, and Dad was too sick to look after you. I dropped out of college again, and in the beginning we managed.” She clasps her hands in her lap and stares at them. “Foster care was only supposed to be a short-term solution. I got to see you every week. Mum and I would come and take you out to the park. We’d go shopping.”
I gasp. “I remember. The blue swings, and yellow… ”
“Roundabout.” Sarah smiles. “You loved that roundabout. Faster mummy, you would say, faster.” Her smile drops. “The problem was we all had too much fun. When we took you back, you’d get distraught, crying and screaming. Dad was getting sicker, and it was not possible to have you at home, so your social worker suggested we stop the visits. That they were too traumatic for you… and your foster parents were struggling.”
A suffocating vice clamps itself around my chest as I take in her words. Someone stopped me seeing my mother because I cried. Pain like I’ve never felt before shoots through me.
As if sensing my pain, Sarah looks up and shakes her head. “It was the last thing I wanted, but I was nineteen, and they convinced me it was best for you. I left you with Mr Ted.”
My eyes fill. “I still have him,” I tell her, my voice strained.
Sarah looks up and stares at me, her own eyes glistening. “You loved that teddy. I bought it for you before you were born. It went everywhere with you.”
Cal squeezes my hand again, and I rest my head on his shoulder.
Sarah gives herself a shake before continuing.
“Dad died, and Mum went into a decline. Dad’s pension wasn’t enough to pay the bills. The social worker recommended that I return to school to complete my education. That I should try to make something of my life before I brought you back to live with me. Only when I got my education, they told me I’d need a job and a salary to support you. You’d just been moved to your second foster family.” She pauses and runs a hand through her hair, holding her head. “The problem was by the time I had all those things, you were no longer three. You were twelve. You just moved in with Di and Julian. ”
I let out a sob, as I know what is about to come. “Di asked me if I wanted to see my birth mother,” I whisper, not wanting to say the words aloud. “I told her. I told her…”
“Stop!” Sarah says her eyes coming up and clashing with mine. “You don’t do that. Don’t you dare beat yourself up.” She moves, coming to squat in front of me. She looks into my eyes as she takes both my hands in hers.
“That’s why you were there. To see me?” I whisper, suddenly understanding.
“I was, and it was the best time. I loved watching you dance. You were so graceful.” Her smile is filled with warmth when she looks up into my face. “Di would let me know how things were going, exams, competitions. I think she felt sorry for me.” She drops her head. “Then my job took me away. I went to see Di, and she promised to keep in touch, which she did. She’s a wonderful woman.”
“Why the websites?” I ask. “Why did Di not just tell me herself when I reached eighteen?”
“I wouldn’t let her. If you ever asked about me, she would have told you, but when you didn’t… the lost and found websites were my best option. Tim is the one who suggested I put my details on there.” She looks over her shoulder at the man, staring at her with the same look Cal gives me. “Then, if you ever wanted to track me down…”
I sink against Cal, my hands still clasped in Sarah’s.
“I’m so sorry, April. I wish I’d been older… that things were different. I know it sounds weak and feeble, but I did what I thought was best for you. I loved you so much. I only ever wanted the best for you.”
I lift my gaze to Tim’s, and he smiles the most genuine smile. His love for Sarah shining through.
“When your mother told me she had a child and lost her, my aim has always been to help you find your way back to one another. This can’t be easy for you. I think we both appreciate that, but we would love for you to be part of our lives.” He returns to gaze at his wife. “Build a relationship. If you want to.” He looks down at his hands, before raising his gaze to mine once more. “There is no pressure. But you have two younger siblings, who I know would be thrilled to meet their big sister.”
I let out a sob and the tears I’ve been trying to hold in, break free. My chest swells and I find myself being encased in Cal’s arms as the floodgates open. He rocks me in his hold, kissing my temple and murmuring sweet nothings. But as the tears fall I realise it’s not despair I feel, but hope. Hope for my future.
Cal wipes my tears with his thumbs and cups my face, Sarah still clutching my hands.
“April, I’m so sorry,” Tim says sounding devastated, his face white.
I look across to him and shake my head. “No, please don’t apologise. You have no idea what your words mean to me. What today has meant to me.”
I turn my head back to Cal. “The choice is yours, little dancer,” he says. “It will always be yours.”
I give him a brief nod. I let go of one of my mother’s hands and raise one of his to my lips, before dropping a kiss on his palm.
When I finally gather myself together. I turn to Tim and my mother and say, “I’d love to meet them.” Sarah lets out a sob and I lean forward, pulling her into my arms. There’s been too much pain. We hold each other tight, my mum rocking me in her arms for the first time in twenty-two years.