17. Charlie
CHAPTER 17
CHARLIE
O h, God.
Charlie restrained himself from opening his eyes upon first waking up. It was as if some part of him believed that the things he knew he would see when he finally did look might somehow change if he wished them away hard enough.
There was no chance of it. He could feel the gentle rocking of the sea beneath him, letting him know that he had fallen asleep on the yacht. He could hear the sounds of gulls in the air, far too near for him to convince himself that he was on land.
He could feel Olivia’s body beside his — the warmth of her, the softness of her naked skin. They had fallen asleep tangled up in one another, not even bothering to get up to put their clothes back on.
He had woken up this way many times before, but it had never left him with such a cold feeling of dread as it did today.
He felt Olivia stir next to him and knew that there was no putting this off. He was going to have to get up. He was going to have to face her. If nothing else, he had to offer her a ride home. He didn’t know if she needed to get back to Izzy. It was a Saturday, so she didn’t need to take Izzy to school, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. She might have some other obligation.
With a sigh that he tried to suppress, he forced himself to sit up and looked over at her.
She was already awake. He hadn’t realized that. She was lying on one side, looking at him with wide, warm eyes and a soft smile that made him feel like throwing himself into the sea. He was the lowest person imaginable. He couldn’t believe he’d put them in this situation.
This was supposed to be a temporary thing. I was not supposed to start feeling things here.
He turned away from her and maneuvered his way out of bed, grabbing his pants and yanking them on quickly before turning around to face her. He didn’t meet her eyes. He was afraid to see what her response to him might be. “I’m going to go get a drink,” he said. “If you want to get dressed.”
“Do you have coffee on board?” she asked him. “I could go for a cup.”
“Yeah. For sure. I’ll go make coffee.” That would give him something to do, something other than sitting in this room with her and feeling ashamed of himself.
He hurried out of the cabin before she could say anything further and went to the galley. There was a small pour-over there, and he set about heating up some water and getting the coffee ready for the two of them. When he was about halfway through the process, he heard her enter the galley behind him, but he didn’t turn to face her. Not yet. He wasn’t ready.
There was the familiar sound of a chair being pulled out, scraping against the deck, and he heard her sigh as she settled into it. Charlie had never felt so acutely aware of another person in all his life. It was as if his body was attuned to hers, so that he could feel every move she made. It was intense and a little alarming.
He picked up the two cups of coffee, turned around, and set one in front of her.
“Aren’t you going to sit down?” she asked him.
“I should pull up the anchor,” he said. “We should be getting back to shore.”
“Is it okay that we spent the night out here? I mean, you’re not going to get into trouble with the coast guard, are you?”
He raised an eyebrow. “The coast guard?”
“I don’t know what the rules are.”
“No,” he said. “We’re not going to get into trouble.” Not that kind of trouble, anyway . In a different sense, he felt as if he had never been in more trouble in his life than he was right now. How was he supposed to move forward after what had happened last night?
It had been the best night of his life.
He couldn’t afford to think like that, though. He had to let go of what had happened. The idea that it would never happen again made him feel sick to his stomach. But the fact of the matter was that he had betrayed both of them when he had brought Olivia into his bed. She hadn’t even wanted to come out on the boat. He’d talked her into it!
He was as bad as his siblings thought he was.
He was exactly the person he had always told himself that he would never be.
And what made the whole thing so much worse was that he actually did have feelings for Olivia, in spite of his determination not to let that happen. He cared for her. He could see himself dating her, and that wasn’t something he ever said about anyone.
He had to pull out of her life right now, before they became any more deeply entangled. Before it was too late to separate at all.
He swallowed hard. “Why don’t you enjoy that coffee,” he suggested. “I’ll go pull up the anchor and start home.”
“I’m not in a hurry, Charlie.” She reached out and put a hand on his wrist, and Charlie’s stomach jolted. “We can stay out here for a while… if you want to.”
Such a massive part of him would have liked nothing more. But no. No, they couldn’t.
He pulled away from her. “I think we should get back.”
She frowned. “Is everything all right?”
“I just think it’s important that we get… get back quickly.” He had to stop himself from saying get home . It wasn’t a good idea to think of the house they shared — the house they would both be leaving soon — as home . It wasn’t home to either one of them. Not really, and certainly not for much longer.
“You seem upset,” Olivia said.
She saw right through him, of course. They had been so open with one another lately, and they’d spent so much time together — how could he have believed it was possible to hide anything from her? How could he have thought he could act as if things were fine and that she would believe it? They had bared their souls to one another, night after night. He had told her things about himself that nobody else knew. The thought of acting, now, as if nothing in particular was on his mind, and expecting her to believe it — he should have known better than to try it.
But what could he say? He couldn’t tell her the truth — that he was already regretting last night. It would hurt her to hear it.
On the other hand…
He glanced over at her. The way she was looking at him, so full of hope and expectation — he needed to find a way to crush that. He needed to find a way to push her away from him, to make her regret what had happened between the two of them so she wouldn’t hope for it to happen again.
He cleared his throat. “I just think we made a mistake here,” he said. “And I’m sure you’re thinking the same thing.”
He wasn't sure of any such thing, of course — he had only said it so that she could save face. And he saw the shock register briefly in her eyes before she managed to mask it.
“A mistake?” she asked. Her voice was carefully neutral.
“Well, we always said that we weren’t going to let this turn into anything serious. We always said we were going to keep things professional. And we haven’t done that. We crossed a line that we shouldn’t have, especially now that we’re so close to the finish line. If we make it this far and then something gets in the way of us accomplishing what we meant to…”
“Why would it get in the way?” she asked him. “Is last night going to prevent us from selling the house in some way?”
“No, of course it won’t. But you know we still have meetings with Rogan to attend, and if he sees that something’s changed between the two of us, that could be a problem.”
“You really think he would get suspicious now? Now that we’re closer to each other than we’ve ever been?”
“You know that’s not how things always go after sex,” Charlie said.
Olivia’s jaw tensed. She crossed her arms. “What does that mean?”
“It means… well, you know how things can go. Sometimes things like this come between people. Sometimes it creates a distance.”
“That’s how it goes for you,” Olivia said. “That’s what you’re saying. When you sleep with a woman, it makes you feel distanced from her. Because… what? Because you’ve gotten what you wanted, and there’s no reason to put in any more effort?”
“That isn’t what I said,” Charlie protested, but he felt a surge of discomfort. That wasn’t how he felt about her, but she wasn’t wrong generally. That was the reason he had never had a relationship that had lasted any significant amount of time. And that was the reason he wanted to pull away now. He didn’t trust himself to be the kind of person she needed. He didn’t trust himself to take this relationship seriously. And if he couldn’t do that, it would ruin everything — the connection they had shared and the work they had done to get the house ready to sell. Everything would be destroyed if they didn’t separate from one another now.
Olivia shook her head. “You don’t have to say it,” she said. “I had you pegged the moment I met you, Charlie. I said it in our first conversation. Rich playboy. That’s all you’ve ever been. I knew it then, and I let myself forget. Well, that’s on me. I’m the one who made the mistake.” She stood up, carried her coffee to the sink, and dumped it down the drain. “Take us home.”
Charlie wanted to say something — to tell her that she had the wrong idea, that he really did care for her — but how could he? He had done this on purpose. He had fully intended to make her feel the way she was feeling now, and it was having the desired effect.
She didn’t want to be around him.
That was for the best, even though it made him feel like his guts were being tied in knots.
He left the galley and went to the helm to raise the anchor. It was loud and caused the yacht to move around enough that he could neither hear the sound of her in the galley nor feel the subtle rock that her footsteps caused. As soon as he was able, he started the engine and set off toward shore.
He looked down over the lower deck. The dinner he had arranged for them to eat last night was still sitting on the table, untouched. His stomach churned. If only they had just eaten that meal instead of going to the bedroom! It would have been a calm, peaceful night, something they would have been able to remember with fondness. Instead, that night would always be the thing that had shattered their friendship. He would never be able to think back on it happily, even though the time they had spent together had been so perfect and magical.
Magical? How could he feel that way about it when it had ruined everything? He had hoped they would be able to maintain their friendship when their time as a married couple came to an end, but he knew now that there was no chance of that happening. He could hardly hold out hope that they would make it through the sale of the house together. Right now, it seemed as though even being in the same room might be too much to ask.
He accelerated, even though doing so meant that he was driving a little more speedily than was strictly safe in this part of the water. Suddenly, he felt unbearably anxious to get back to shore, to get off this boat where everything had gone so terribly wrong.
He couldn’t regret what had happened last night. Not fully.
At the same time, he thought it just might have been the biggest mistake he had ever made in his life.