Chapter 53 Anna
Anna
Forever is a curious thing. We chase it, swear we’ve found it, and cling to it like it’s ours to keep. But forever doesn’t belong to us. It slips through our fingers when we’re not looking, especially when we hand our heart to someone who doesn’t know how to hold it carefully.
The rain hammering my windows matches the tears streaming down my face. I’m crying harder than I did when Mason walked out with his boxed-up belongings. And I hate, hate, that I’m this cut up about a man I’ve only known for three months.
I heard what Max and April had to say last night about people making mistakes, about not rushing into any sort of decision right now, about how Liam was just trying to protect me.
And I get it, really I do. But right now I can’t believe there’s any truth to their words because my career is still hanging by a thread, my heart is still cracked and bleeding, and my trust has been betrayed.
And what if I never get to see Finn again?
New tears brim and fall at the thought.
I’m curled up on my living room carpet, wearing Liam’s jumper, crying into a cup of cold tea. Used tissues from last night litter the floor around me.
I reach for my phone and open the video. Again.
The comments are ruthless.
The rain picks up, lashing harder against the glass. Twenty-four hours ago, I had everything I’d stopped letting myself hope for. Liam was real. Finn was real. I was happy.
Now I have nothing.
I know I should get up. Shower. Eat something that isn’t cheese. But I really don’t have the strength. I can feel myself sliding back into that dark, shadowy cave I fell into after my divorce.
My phone vibrates from the coffee table.
This bloody phone. I’m reliant on it as much as I despise it. But no matter how much I hate it, I can’t tear my gaze away from it. I was scrolling through Liam’s Instagram page. Another rule I’ve canned.
My screen was plastered with images of Liam and Finn, and no matter what I tried—cups of tea, a weighted blanket, an icepack to the chest—I couldn’t stop the ache from spreading as I stared at another lost future.
I extract myself from the floor to reheat my tea when a sharp buzz cuts through the flat.
The doorbell.
I turn to stone.
When I don’t answer, my phone buzzes again.
My pulse leaps, choking me as I squeeze my eyes shut.
No, no, no. He can’t be here. I can’t do this right now.
I ignore it. Another moment later, my phone rings.
I gnaw at my lip, accepting the call and walking over to the window to peer down at the street below.
“Anna, I’ll stand here all bleedin’ day in the rain if I have to,” Liam says, watching me from the building’s door.
Damn it.
“Fine. You can come up,” I say.
My heartbeat stutters as I shuffle to the intercom and buzz him in before anyone has the chance to see him. What am I doing? What am I going to say?
I glance down at my disheveled state and sigh, shoulders slumping.
I unlock the door and quickly curl up on the sofa, tucking my knees to my chest in a ball. Maybe if I make myself small enough, I’ll disappear.
A soft knock sounds. “Anna?”
My eyes flutter shut. I can’t speak. Every word is stuck in my throat.
The door creaks open slowly.
He’s soaked from head to toe. Water drips from the ends of his dark hair, where it clings to his forehead. His white shirt is plastered to every sculpted line of his chest and abs, and his jeans are molded to him.
He looks as wrecked as I feel.
“Anna,” he rasps, stepping inside.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I say.
“I had to see you,” he whispers.
I open my mouth to speak but all that comes out is a broken sob. He’s beside me in seconds, pulling me into his arms, and I cry harder. His touch ignites every nerve ending, like I’ve been flayed and everything is raw and exposed.
He rocks me gently.
“I begged you to walk away, but you didn’t,” I whisper.
“I know. I messed up—”
“And now I’m going to lose my job. That video is plastered all over the news and social media. And Finn—” My voice breaks on his name.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” he says, pressing a kiss to my temple.
“I can’t do this again. I can’t build my life around someone only to lose everything when it falls apart.”
He freezes and I draw back from his hold. “Anna, we can work this out. Nothing’s been lost, I’m still here. Finn’s still here.”
“I know I’m not blameless for what’s happened.
I should have reported our relationship.
We both knew the risks.” Tears fall down my cheeks.
“But you hitting Roger… you made it so much worse. And I can’t—” My breath hitches.
“What if it happens again? Mason broke me. I can’t go through it again with you. ”
“You’re not losing me.” His voice is desperate.
“I’m going to get help, Anna. I’ve booked an appointment with a trauma therapist. I’ll see anyone—speak to anyone—if it will help.
I wish I could promise that it’ll never happen again, but I can’t.
But I’m going to really try. Just please, don’t give up on us. Not yet.”
“I think it’s too late,” I say, my voice barely audible. “I don’t know how we come back from this.”
“It’s not too late.” His eyes burn with intensity. “Anna, look at me.”
I force myself to meet his gaze.
“I made a mistake. A huge one. And I own that. But we can work through this. I’m so fucking sorry for what I did, Anna.
I shouldn’t have hit Roger. The thought that I might’ve ruined everything for you is tearing me apart.
I get why you’re upset with me, I do, but I don’t want you facing this on your own. I wish I could take it back.”
He brushes my hair away. “I know you’re scared, baby. I’m scared too. To death. But you wanna know what scares me the most?”
My lip trembles.
“Losing you,” he says. “I can’t lose you.”
I want to believe him. But my head is shutting him out. “I think we should take some time apart.”
All the hope drains from his face. “What?”
“How am I supposed to trust you when you promised you’d walk away and you didn’t? Maybe taking some space is the best thing for both of us. So we can both focus on what we need.”
“What I need is you.” Liam moves closer, cradling my face. “Baby, you have to listen to me. I don’t want to walk away just because things might get hard. I will do everything I can, every day, to prove that you can trust me.”
I keep my voice as steady as I can. “I think it’s great that you’re going to get help, Liam. I’m so proud of you for taking that step.” Another tear slips. “But I can’t do this.”
His eyes fill. “Anna—”
“I think you should go,” I whisper.
“Please don’t push me away.” He rests his forehead against mine and I screw my eyes shut. “I love you.”
My lip wobbles. “Please, I need you to leave.”
“I love you,” he whispers.
“I can’t,” I whisper back.
An anguished sound breaks from his chest and I slap a hand over my mouth to force back my own tears. Then, silently, he stands.
Panic claws at my insides, screaming at me to stop him.
Hesitation flickers in his eyes and I carve every inch of him into my memory, to hold on to how, for just a little while, he and Finn were everything.
Each step looks like it costs him. His hand falls to the handle and he pauses, looking back at me over his shoulder. “I love you so much, Anna. Please don’t give up on us. Not yet.”
The door closes silently behind him.
I wait until his footsteps fade down the staircase.
The rain continues to lash my windows, and I cry until there’s nothing left.