19. Raven
RAVEN
Just when I think I’m making progress with this man, finally ready to let him in, he plays another fucking prank. They’re getting better. I can’t figure out how he did this most recent one, but I don’t have time to focus on that. Not when I have a house full of preteen girls.
The doorbell rings, and Summer lifts a hand to tell me she’s got it right as McKenna bounds into the kitchen.
“Hey, birthday girl. Are you excited?” I open my arms in invitation, and she hugs me in response.
“I’m so excited. Super-duper excited. Thanks for letting me do this, Mom!”
McKenna runs off right as Summer walks into the kitchen with Jane and her mom. I wipe my hands on my thighs, trying to dispel my nervous energy.
“Thank you for letting Jane come. McKenna is thrilled she could make it,” I say as the girls excitedly run off together.
Jocelyn waves a dismissive hand, and something about the gesture irritates me. Like I’m a fly she’s swatting off.
“I’m Raven, by the way. I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced.”
Right as I extend my arm, Jocelyn thrusts hers toward me, but not in the typical handshake way.
Nope. She’s holding out her hand like she wants me to kiss the back of it.
I grab it awkwardly, attempting to shake it.
Instead of looking at me or offering a greeting in return, she looks around as if she’s inspecting the house.
Being on the spectrum, I know how hard eye contact can be.
It’s not that I avoid it. I’m just awkward about it.
Never knowing how long to look or where to look.
It always ends up feeling unnatural. But that’s not what she’s doing. Her avoidance feels like a dismissal.
“So this is where Sawyer’s been spending all of his time.”
“Yup.” I don’t offer more. My intuition is never wrong, and I don’t like the vibes I’m picking up from her.
“Eh, maybe people can change.”
Okay, fuck this woman. If I had earrings, I’d be taking them off right now. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Anytime he did a project around the house when we were married, he’d leave a mess behind him. It took so many reminders to get him to pick it up.”
“That’s how object permanence works. Out of sight, out of mind.”
“Where I’m from, we call that laziness.”
Maybe you should go back to where you’re from, I think, but don’t say.
“Does anyone want a cookie?” Bella asks, lifting a tray between us.
I look down, thankful she made appropriate cookies this time.
Summer motions me over. “Can I talk to you for a second?”
Relieved, I follow her into the laundry room with Bella, who shuts the door behind us.
“What’s going on? You have that look,” Summer says.
“That ‘I’m gonna cut a bitch’ look,” Bella adds.
I crack my knuckles and shake out my hands as I pace back and forth. “His ex-wife is a cunt,” I blurt.
“Raven!” Summer hisses.
“What? She just looks like she gives the most unenthusiastic blow jobs.”
Bella cocks an eyebrow. “Is that so?”
“Yeah. She probably lies there like a dead fish during missionary too.”
Bella nods knowingly. “It’s a good thing he’s with you now.”
“Exactly,” I say without thinking.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this fired up,” Summer says.
“Yeah, especially on behalf of a man you claim not to like,” Bella adds.
“What do you expect me to do? She barges into my house like she belongs here, insulting Sawyer, who has done nothing but help me since I met him. She doesn’t see the man I do, and it pisses me off. I’m the only one allowed to make fun of him.”
I know it’s irrational, and I’m still annoyed at him about the vibrator incident, but even in all my frustration, I would never talk about him that way, and I’m furious that she’s done this to him for so long. That she does it in front of anyone, including his kids.
“Well, we have to go back out there. It’s rude for us to stay in here all night,” Summer says.
“Don’t worry, we have your back.” Bella gestures for us to exit the laundry room.
I stroll into the kitchen, ready to put her in her place, when the sight of Sawyer instantly relaxes my shoulders and calms my racing heart. Jocelyn has her back to me, and while I can’t hear exactly what she’s saying, I can tell by the pained look on his face that it’s not kind.
Without thinking, I march over to him, shoving myself between him and Jocelyn as I grab his face and pull him close. “There you are,” I say, closing the distance as I lean up to kiss him.
His big body melts into mine as his arms wrap around my waist. Jocelyn huffs behind me, and I can practically feel her eyes roll, but I don’t care as I lose myself in his kiss. Nothing else matters right now. Not the stupid pranks or haunted dildos. Just the way he feels in my arms.
“Get a room,” Jocelyn mutters.
My hands slide down to his collar as I pull back. “That’s a great idea.”
“Whoa there, as much as I’d love that, maybe after the party’s over?” Sawyer says, resting his forehead against mine.
I drop my hands and spin back toward my friends. The shocked looks on their faces have me shifting nervously on my feet until Sawyer pulls me against him, resting an arm on my clavicle.
“Gonna need you to stand right there for a bit. Don’t need everyone knowing how excited you make me,” he whispers against my ear before kissing my cheek.
I smile to myself, feeling his excitement press against my ass.
“Who wants some cookies?” Bella asks.
——————
There are way too many balloons in my house, all of them red—McKenna’s favorite color. I’m just thankful there’s no glitter—that shit gets everywhere, and Bella’s known to use it liberally. Which is why I’m glad Summer did most of the party planning.
Most of the moms stick around for about an hour, making sure their kids are good before heading out. About two hours in, it’s just me, Summer, Bella, and Sawyer. Lucy is watching most of our boys at her house, and I’m thankful because this party would drive Jonah nuts.
“Can we do makeovers?” McKenna asks.
“Oh my God!” Bella squeals, her body practically vibrating.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, knowing what’s coming. “Bella, you’re way past a ten.”
“MAKEOVERS!” Bella shouts, ignoring me. I open my mouth to retort and then stop as I take in the room.
McKenna looks so thrilled, and Bella did that for her.
I decide against saying anything, even if the volume level is irritating my sensory inputs.
My girl is happy, and I don’t want to spoil that for her.
“It’s a good thing Jonah’s not here,” Sawyer says, leaning into my ear.
I search his eyes. “Huh?”
“The noise. This would be way too much for him.”
My focus drops to my hands. I can’t look at him right now. “Oh. Yeah.”
Sawyer nudges me with his shoulder. “But look at them.” I follow his gaze to McKenna and Jane. They’re both beaming ear to ear, practically talking over each other as they squeal and giggle. “I think they both needed this. It’s hard having a sibling whose needs are louder than yours.”
“Remember that day you found me in the hallway having a panic attack?”
“Spidergate?”
I bite my lips to hide my smile at the memory.
“Yeah. I overheard them talking about that. How they both felt left behind, less important. I think that’s how they became friends.
And it’s heartbreaking knowing I’d done that to her.
That I’d failed her as a parent. That without Kris, I wasn’t enough.
This stuff always came so naturally to him, but I have to work twice as hard with worse results. ”
He pushes his thigh against mine, and the contact instantly soothes the buzzing in my head. “You can’t be all things to all people, Raven. Everything is better with a partner, a support system. It’s too much to do alone.”
“Is that why I feel like I’m drowning?” I fake a smile, trying to lighten the mood. “I’ll figure it out. Everything will work out in the end.”
“Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Don’t pretend with me. Don’t brush off your pain with a platypus.”
My head whips to his, my brows furrowing. “Is that a dad joke? I don’t get it.”
He drags a hand down his face. “Fuck. That’s not the word, is it? Getting old sucks. It sounds like platypus.”
I clamp my mouth shut, determined not to laugh at his adorable blunder. “I think you mean platitude. It’s an overused statement that people use to dismiss big emotions.”
“See, you knew what I meant.” His eyes are doing that twinkling thing again, and I swear he’s casting a spell over my rational thought because fuck, no one has ever made me feel this way before. “They’re in a better place.”
“When one door closes, another opens.”
“Everything will work out in the end,” he says as his thigh pushes against mine again. “You don’t have to minimize your pain with me. I know exactly how you feel. Parenting is hard, but you’re not failing at it.”
I look away as I blow out a slow breath, not wanting to cry. Sawyer doesn’t say anything, just places his giant palm on my thigh and sits with me as we watch Summer and Bella organize the makeovers.
After a few minutes, he leans into my ear. “Thanks.”
“For what?”
“Caring about me enough to want me to be the best version of myself, grammar and all.”
“That’s not why—”
“It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone you like me.”
My mouth parts, ready to dole out a retort, but the words don’t come. Fuck. I think I do like him. I more than like him. Words are my job. My literal job at the newspaper and with my books. I’m great with words, and yet they’ve all escaped me.
His hand squeezes my thigh a few times as we sit there, as if he knows what I need without me vocalizing it.
He turns to me as I focus on the girls. “Can I tell you something?”
I nod.