19. Raven #2
“All day long I make decisions. Some are small, like which coffee to stock in the break room, and others are life or death on a scene. It’s like I’m on stage giving the performance of a lifetime every time I step into that building.
All eyes are on me, everyone needs me, and I show up for everyone.
It used to drive Jocelyn crazy. She said I was a completely different person at home.
Said I must not love her enough because I didn’t give enough of myself at home the way I did at work.
And after hearing it repeatedly, it felt like the truth. ”
“It’s not true.”
I feel his eyes on me as he speaks. “It’s not, but she never believed me.”
“Is that why you think you’re bad with women?” My voice is soft and calm, while my brain is a tempest of emotions.
He nods. “But you always see the good in me even when I can’t.”
“It’s not hard to see the good in you. You’re a good man, and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.
You have an emotionally charged job. All day long you’re managing other people’s emotions, including your own.
You have to stay calm and level-headed when others can’t.
You can’t let fear make your decisions, so you look at every angle.
By the time you get home, you’re wiped, and you need to recharge.
You’re not lazy—you’ve just taken your mask off, and you can finally be yourself.
And I’m fairly certain you might have ADHD like Tommy. ”
I turn to look at him, worried I’ve said too much, but he stares at me in wonder like I’ve just solved a puzzle he’s been struggling to complete.
Turning back to the girls, I continue speaking.
“You deserve a partner who understands who you are. And I know because I do the same thing. I don’t always pick up on social cues, so I’m constantly overcompensating.
I’m labeled unlikeable or a bitch by people who don’t get me. ”
He grunts, and I turn to look at him. His jaw is tight as he speaks through clenched teeth. “You’re not a bitch.”
“I know I’m not. But I’m not warm and fuzzy either, and I refuse to make myself palatable to others.”
“Good. Fuck ’em. I don’t need you to be anything other than exactly who you are.”
“Dad! It’s your turn!” Jane squeals, running over.
I breathe a sigh of relief at the distraction. I need to process his words, process how I feel.
“Fine. But you better make me the prettiest princess.”
McKenna giggles. “Princesses don’t have mustaches.”
Sawyer pushes off the couch with a groan as he slowly gets to his feet. Jane and McKenna drag him over to a chair where Jane applies eyeshadow to his lids while McKenna brushes his hair. The smile on his face is contagious, and I don’t try to hide mine each time he peeks at me.
——————
The girls are all settled in the basement. I don’t understand why they want to sleep in that creepy cellar, but McKenna practically begged me. Bella volunteered to stay and spend the night with them so I didn’t have to, for which I am very grateful.
“I’m headed down there, so you’ll have the rest of the house to yourself.” Bella winks suggestively.
“There’s a house full of preteen girls. I’m not going to be doing anything.”
“But you can. I’ll keep them contained. You deserve some time for yourself with the chief. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you all night.”
Blood rushes to my cheeks at her words. Can I act on this? Jonah is with Lucy; Bella’s got the slumber party under control. I look at her, and she wiggles her eyebrows in the most ridiculous way.
“Fine. But text me if you need anything.”
“I won’t need anything. I’ve got this.” She opens the basement door right as a single red balloon drifts up from it.
“I’ll be finding those all over my house for weeks, won’t I?”
“Probably.” She closes the basement door behind her, and the sounds of squeals and giggles make my heart swell.
McKenna needed this. She needed a night like tonight that was all about her. With Jonah’s constant struggles, her needs often get put on the back burner, and after hearing her confess that to Jane a few weeks ago, my heart broke.
It’s hard caring for a special needs child on your own, but it’s even worse when your other child feels like they have to grow up faster to help you parent their sibling.
McKenna deserves to be a kid and do kid things.
And since Sawyer started showing up, she’s blossomed.
He’s helped with Jonah and given her the attention and love she deserves.
Jane and Tommy have been spending a lot of time over here as well.
I thought having four kids in the house would be more chaotic, but it’s been surprisingly calmer.
McKenna and Jane have such a special bond and outlet in each other.
And the boys have been great together too.
Jonah has had fewer meltdowns despite the increased chaos and noise.
It’s beginning to feel like we’re a family, the six of us.
The door to the basement opens, and Sawyer’s goofy grin emerges. “You know, middle school me had this idea of what girl slumber parties were. They’re nothing like I’d imagined. And the father in me is grateful for that.”
“Wait till you hear about the period parties.”
The comical way his brows shoot to his hairline has me covering the snicker threatening to escape. “The what?”
“I’ll tell you when you’re older,” I say, as I set the last dish in the drying rack and empty the sink.
“Are you finally ready to do this?” Sawyer asks, his voice deepening as he rounds the kitchen island.
Pausing my cleaning efforts, I lean against the counter, watching as he stalks toward me. Am I ready to go further with him? I can’t deny how he’s carved out a place in this house and in my heart. “I figured you wouldn’t let that kiss go.”
“Can you blame me? That was something.”
“I couldn’t stand the way she was talking to you.”
“So that kiss was for Jocelyn?” The look of disappointment on his face feels like a lead weight in my gut.
His touch feels so natural, so right, that over the past few weeks I’ve found myself craving it. I take a step toward him. “I won’t lie and protect your ego. It was.”
“Oh.” His gaze drops, and I lean over, capturing his hand in mine.
“But it was for me too. I know I’ve been hot and cold with you, but it takes time for me to trust people.
It hurt that you lied to me about the romance books.
The cock ring debacle did earn you points, though.
But when I saw you today in my kitchen, something just clicked into place, and I don’t want to push you away anymore. And the makeovers sealed it.”
“Thank fuck.”
He crowds me against the counter, an arm on either side caging me in. “I don’t know how you do this,” I admit, tilting my face up to his.
“What am I doing?”
“You find ways of getting close to me without touching me. So close, all I can do is think about how you would feel. Your hands on me. Your lips.”
He leans closer, the heat of his cheek lighting a fire against mine as his warm breath tickles my ear. “I know touch is hard for you, but I want you to crave mine. Just know that it takes every ounce of willpower in me not to put my hands on you every time I see you.”
“My room. Now,” I purr.