CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
The following week seemed to drag, and I eventually realised I was subconsciously waiting for Wednesday so that I might see Caleb again.
I plopped down on the sofa with a sigh.
What a saddo I was, desperate for a glimpse of a man who was completely unattainable because a certain Loretta person had already dug her beautifully manicured claws into him!
But I was longing to talk to Caleb, mainly to find out how he really felt about Loretta. Because there was a tiny part of me that actually doubted that he could be that keen on her if it had been so easy to take me into his bed. It was becoming increasingly obvious to me that Caleb was a kind and caring man. So why would he do that to Loretta if they really were getting back together?
I needed answers.
So on the Wednesday, I dressed in my best feel-good outfit and I made sure I arrived at the Lockley Meadow market ten minutes early. I would find Caleb, get the answers to my questions and then I’d be able to get on with my life instead of constantly wondering...
But when I walked over to Ivan on-site and asked where Caleb was because I needed a word, he grinned and pointed up at the roof of the house we were standing next to. And when I looked up, I immediately recognised the blue-jean rear view of the man up the ladder, apparently examining one of the gutter pipes.
‘Someone to see you, boss,’ called Ivan.
Caleb looked down with a frown. ‘Katja. What is it? I’m a bit busy just now.’ His gruff tone matched his disgruntled expression, and I was half-tempted to just walk away. This wasn’t the reception I’d been hoping for.
But I’d come this far, so . . .
‘I... well, it’s a bit awkward, really,’ I called up, not quite knowing where to start, especially with Ivan loitering there, all agog for gossip. The noise of a drill started up somewhere on the site, hammering into my head.
‘Sorry? You’ll have to speak up,’ called Caleb, twisting round on the ladder and still looking none too pleased about the interruption.
I gave Ivan my best hard stare, and to my relief he grinned at me and sauntered off.
The drilling stopped so I took my chance. ‘I was... well, I was wondering if what Loretta told me was true.’
‘If what was true?’
‘That you two are getting back together?’
‘What?’ he barked.
‘I said : That you two are getting –’
‘I heard what you said!’
‘Oh. Okay. Well?’
Why the hell couldn’t he just come off that bloody ladder so we could have a normal conversation. Because right now, it felt like the ears of the entire building team were twitching in eagerness to hear the upshot of this exchange!
With a sigh, Caleb started descending the ladder.
Down on solid earth again, he glared at me, hands on his hips. ‘What I don’t understand, Katja, is why it would matter to you whether Loretta and I were getting back together again? When I distinctly remember you telling me that you’d had a good time but that you didn’t want anything more from me than that?’
‘Did I say that?’ I frowned. I’d been so worked up after my encounter with Loretta, I honestly couldn’t remember what I’d said to him.
‘You did say that.’
‘Right.’ I shrugged awkwardly, wishing he would stop glaring at me. ‘Well... the thing is, I would actually like to know if you and Loretta are back together.’
‘Why?’
‘Because... well... because I like you and I’ve been thinking maybe there could be something there?’
‘Between you and me?’ His face hadn’t changed, which wasn’t a great sign. He’d greeted my confession with the delight of a contestant on The Apprentice being told they were fired!
‘Well, yes.’ I soldiered on, not sure how to get out of this mess, which felt as sticky as a glob of newly-dropped tarmac. ‘Just tell me. Are you and Loretta getting back together? Because that’s what she told me.’
His sullen face muscles moved into a frown. ‘She told you that?’
I nodded.
‘Well, she shouldn’t have because it’s not true.’
‘Really?’
‘Really. We’re friends. Or at least we’re supposed to be.’
‘Apart from sharing a bed that time and a kiss?’
‘You’ve got a good memory.’
‘I’d be unlikely to forget that.’
‘I suppose. Yes, well, as I’ve already explained, the kiss was a mistake. We talked about it afterwards and even she agreed it was a mistake. I gave her some roses as an apology. Someone told me yellow roses meant friendship, and I thought we’d sorted it out. So I’m not sure where she got the idea that we’re getting back together.’ He sighed, took off his hard hat and pushed a hand through his hair. ‘Why is life so complicated? Why are women so complicated? I don’t think I’d understand the female sex if I lived fifty lifetimes!’
‘Well, that’s a bit sexist,’ I snapped. ‘And an appalling generalisation into the bargain.’
His mouth twitched. ‘Maybe. But anyway, she shouldn’t have lied to you like that.’
‘So you’re saying she made it up for my benefit? But why would she do that? As far as she was concerned, I was just a delivery person.’
He shook his head. ‘She told me she called round the night before but didn’t knock because she saw us through the kitchen window.’
‘Oh.’
‘So when she arrived next morning and you were still there, she figured there was something going on between us.’
‘Did you tell her about me?’
He nodded. ‘I told her the truth... that you’d stayed over and I really liked you. We’re friends, as I said. And friends tell each other things like that.’
‘Right.’ I stared into his blue eyes, trying to process all of this.
‘So I guess she made all that guff up on the spot with you in order to try and ruin things with us.’ He shrugged, as if it wasn’t of much interest to him either way.
‘ Us ? Is there an “us”, then?’
‘Well, I thought there was. But hey, if you’re not interested...’ He turned back to the ladder and placed his hands on the sides.
‘I’d be on the rebound, though,’ I wailed. ‘And I’ve just had my ex wanting to get back with me. You don’t realise how complicated the whole thing is.’
‘Well, it seems pretty simple to me. I like you. You like me. But fine.’ He started climbing without looking back. ‘It’s up to you, Katja. You know where I am if you ever want to talk.’ And he proceeded to the top of the ladder, out of easy earshot, effectively putting an end to the conversation...
Sighing, I walked back to the van, feeling more confused than ever.
Okay, I believed him when he said he and Loretta weren’t together.
But did I really want to be with a grumpy bloke who couldn’t understand that I was really mixed up emotionally, having just come through a horrible break-up?
*****
I was feeling really down after my clash with Caleb, but I couldn’t allow my customers to see how I was feeling. So I smiled and handed over cakes and scones and made small talk, just longing for the time when I could be alone to think about what Caleb had told me about Loretta.
I believed him when he said that she’d made it all up to throw a spanner in the works with him and me. But it was clear in his gruff manner towards me that he’d been upset by my attitude the day after we slept together. He hadn’t forgiven me.
It was all such a mess!
And then... just as I was hoping to make my escape and drive along to my next stop at Primrose Wood... who should turn up but Mo!
My heart sank as I saw her marching towards the van and waving at me.
I really wasn’t in the mood for some more man-bashing.
But clearly, she’d missed the van this morning and had decided to catch up with me here at the market instead...
‘Hi! God, I must start setting an alarm on a Wednesday morning,’ she announced. ‘The trouble is I stay up late working then I’m really dozy in the mornings.’
She did look tired today, with big dark circles under her eyes. Her pink hair, which normally was spiked up with gel and looked great, was a bit lank and oily-looking today.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked. ‘Apart from being tired, I mean?’
She swallowed and glanced down at her splendid shiny red Doc Martens. ‘I don’t know, Kats. I’m a bit of a mess at the moment.’
‘Oh, no. Why? What’s happened?’
She shook her head, kicking at the grass with her toe. ‘Nothing’s happened. Nothing at all. That’s why I’m a mess.’
I studied her curiously. ‘So what were you expecting to happen?’ I asked softly. (I was privately dreading her answer because it was bound to involve some poor innocent guy being lambasted for daring to be a man!)
She looked up and to my surprise I realised her eyes were wet with tears.
‘I don’t know. I just thought maybe Gaz might be missing me.’ She shook her head miserably. ‘But he hasn’t even texted to see if I’m all right.’
‘Couldn’t you text him?’
‘I suppose. But he always texts first.’
‘So this isn’t the first time you’ve split up, then?’
She laughed bitterly. ‘Hell, no. It must be three times... no, four, I think.’
‘Right.’ My mind was whirring. ‘And why do you split up? Is it always for the same reason?’
She nodded. ‘I try – honestly, I do – but I can never get it out of my head. The fact that he kissed my sister first, before me. Things are fine for a while, but then I can feel my resentment starting to brew. Then eventually, I blow up at him and end the relationship. Again.’
I stared at her, trying to comprehend her logic. But clearly there wasn’t any. As Dot had told me in confidence, it was all to do with the way she was so cruelly abandoned by her fiancé at the altar on what should have been her wedding day.
‘Gaz obviously really cares about you, Mo,’ I ventured. ‘He wouldn’t keep taking you back after such harsh treatment if he didn’t love you.’
‘I am, aren’t I? Harsh?’
I nodded. ‘Incredibly, horribly, absolutely unforgivably harsh.’
She heaved a sigh. ‘But how can I change? It’s like I’m on a never-ending circuit of misery in here. ’ She prodded the side of her head. ‘It’s a rollercoaster that just will never stop to let me off.’
I gave a big sigh in sympathy, thinking about Caleb. ‘Relationships are so bloody complicated, aren’t they? They demand so much of your heart but it can be hard to know when it’s the right time to give it. Your heart, I mean.’
She frowned at me. ‘Is this you speaking from experience? Not knowing whether to dive into a new relationship?’
‘What?’ I glanced at her bemused. Then I realised what she was saying and I smiled sheepishly. ‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘So this guy? Does he want your heart?’
‘I think so.’
‘But you’re frightened to give it?’
I shrugged. ‘Well, I’m just out of a long-term relationship so the timing is terrible. I’d just be on the rebound with this new guy and that’s not healthy, is it?’
‘Search me.’ She stared at me mournfully. ‘Seriously, Katja, I’m the very last person you should be taking relationship advice from.’
We looked at each other and in spite of everything, we both started to laugh.
‘You need to get some counselling to get you off that nightmare rollercoaster,’ I said after a while. ‘And in the meantime, you need to contact Gaz and explain what you’ve explained to me. Does he know how crushed you were about being jilted?’
‘He knows it happened but I don’t think he realises what a shocking effect it had on me. What an effect it’s still having on me now.’
I nodded. ‘Well, you need to tell Gaz everything because then he’ll be more understanding when you start getting scared and holding him at arm’s length. He’ll know it’s not him you hate, but yourself for ruining what could be a great lasting relationship.’
She looked at me in astonishment. ‘I hate myself? Phew! Tell it to me straight why don’t you?’ She laughed. ‘I never thought of it like that. I thought it was the entire male population I despised. But really, it’s myself I hate?’ She nodded and said it again, experimentally. ‘I. Hate. Myself.’
‘That’s a good starting point. Something you can talk about with your counsellor when you get one.’
She nodded thoughtfully. ‘I won’t be contacting Gaz, though. I need to start liking myself before I do that, don’t I?’
I shook my head. ‘No. Don’t wait around for therapy. Just start trusting that Gaz isn’t the kind of man who’ll hurt you like that other horrible pile of excrement did.’
She smiled. ‘It sounds so simple the way you put it.’
‘It could be. Simple. Just try it.’
‘Okay.’ She nodded slowly. ‘So what about you?’
‘What do you mean?’
Well, you’ve just told me that I shouldn’t wait around now I’ve found love. I should just trust that things will work out and go for it.’
‘Yes?’
‘So I think you should practise what you preach.’
‘Pardon?’
She shrugged. ‘You can’t plan when you’ll meet someone special. Life doesn’t work that way. It could happen at the most inconvenient of times.’
‘Okay...?’ I frowned, not quite sure what she was saying.
‘Well, just because you’ve met this nice guy at a bad time in your life, when you’re just through a break-up, why waste time pondering over whether to reject him or not, when he could actually turn out to be the love of your life?’ She shrugged. ‘If you wait for a better time, there might just be tumbleweed for the rest of your very lonely existence.’
I gave a snort of laughter. ‘That’s a very good point. Tumbleweed. I like it.’