Chapter 36
Iwake up with my arms still wrapped tightly around Audrey, it’s like in my sleep I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t try to run away. After the things she was saying last night, I wouldn’t have been surprised to wake up to an empty bed.
Her back is plastered against my chest while I have an arm wrapped around her middle and her ass is lined up perfectly with my cock, something it has taken notice of and is trying to get closer to her.
I lean down to press my lips against her hair, and she stirs slightly so I continue to kiss her. Moving to her temple, down her face, and by the time I get to her neck she’s moving her hips, grinding against me.
“Morning, pretty girl.”
“Mm morning,” she turns over to face me. Her eyes are less guarded, but still full of the emotion I know she is afraid to voice.
I swipe my fingers through the piece of hair that’s fallen in front of her eye, pushing it away. “Are you feeling better?”
“Mhm,” she looks down and brings a hand up to my chest, running her fingers along the muscles there.
I let her trace my skin without saying anything and not looking at me. As she gets closer to my groin, I grab her hand to stop her. Even though my dick disagrees with it, I don’t want us to fall into sex right now. Not this time. I hook a finger under her chin, so she looks up at me.
“Talk to me,” I plead softly, wanting more than hums and one-word answers from her.
She flattens her hand on my chest just to keep the connection. “How do you feel about last night?”
She’s deflecting, but I let her for now because I know I threw the truth about how I feel at her last night, and she may not be ready to talk about it yet. But we are going to because I need her to know that I meant it.
“I feel okay about it. Would I want to do that with you every night? Probably not. Did it feel good? Yeah. And I liked you being able to do what you needed to do. I liked being able to give you what you needed.”
She nods, then looks down again. “I liked that you gave me what I needed too.”
“Now I would like it if you give me what I need,” I request, guiding her to look up at me once again.
“What do you need?” she asks, nervously.
“To tell you how I feel. I’m sick of hiding it from you and last night was just scratching the surface, but you don’t understand, Audrey. I can’t pretend anymore.”
Her breath hitches and I can feel her urge to run already. I press a hand on the small of her back, holding her to me so she can’t easily leave.
“Okay,” she whispers.
“I meant what I said to you. Every single thing. I’m in love with you. Honestly, I think I fell for you before I even knew who you were. And maybe that’s ridiculous and delusional but I don’t care. I’ve never felt like this with anyone else. I’m always thinking about you, always looking forward to when I can see you next. I fucking love you, Audrey, and it’s okay if you can’t say it back or you don’t want to, but I needed you to know.”
She looks at me with wide eyes, her mouth opening and closing, unsure of what to say. I run my hand along her back while she stares at me, and when she finally speaks, I deflate slightly.
“Charlie, I have to go.”
I shake my head. “Where? Where do you possibly have to go?”
“I just,” she sighs, closing her eyes. “I need to just think about things for a little, okay?”
I drop my arms and she takes the immediate opportunity to roll away from me. I knew the risk of admitting my feelings, but I thought maybe she would finally admit her feelings. She doesn’t have to say she loves me, but just give me something. But she can’t.
“You’re still not running from this, from me.” I tell her as she’s pulling on a pair of sweatpants and one of my t-shirts.
“I’m not. I just…” her voice trails off. “I promise I’m not running. Please believe that.”
I nod, “I trust you.”
And yet I let her walk out the door.
I spendthe rest of the day driving myself to the brink of insanity wondering if she’s going to come back and when. Even though we don’t have practice I find myself at the practice arena, anyway, working out in the gym and then running a few drills on the ice myself.
Too bad the second I get a break to breathe I’m reminded of Audrey. When she came and found me here and knew instantly what I needed to feel better. She knew when I needed to take back control and I knew when she needed the same. And yet, now I feel completely helpless and lost on where we stand.
All because I couldn’t hold back how I felt any longer and scared her. Just like I knew it would. And yet I did it anyway. I spent years afraid to get close to anyone and then when I finally do, it’s not someone I was afraid would trap me, but the exact opposite.
Isn’t that some shit?
By the time I’ve exhausted myself enough at the rink I go home, dragging myself through my front door where I find Audrey standing in the entryway, just waiting. Her hands folded in front of her as she shifts nervously. I don’t see bags, so I take that as a good sign.
I don’t say anything, waiting for her to break the silence.
“I’ve never fallen in love. I didn’t know how it felt because I never gave it a chance. I didn’t want to, but also there wasn’t anyone I’ve ever met that I felt could change that. And then I met you. I didn’t know who you were, I never saw your face and yet you intrigued me in a way no one else had before.”
She pauses and I wait while my heart threatens to beat out of my chest.
“And then I got to know you. Really know you. And felt things I’ve never felt before. Things that scared me. And you know now what I went through when I was younger, and I vowed to myself no one would have that power over me again. I’m going to be me, no matter what and that will never change.”
“I would never try to change you, I love everything about–”
“I know,” she cuts me off. “I know you wouldn’t. You love me as I am. You love me knowing what I do. Knowing my past. Knowing who I am as a person inside and out.”
“I do,” I nod.
“I want you to know that I left to organize my thoughts, not to discover them. I knew I loved you last night, this morning, and right now. I just didn’t know how to say it.”
My heart completely drops at what she’s saying. “You love me.”
She chuckles lightly, “I do.” Copying my words from a moment ago.
I go to her, cupping her face in my hands so I can keep her gaze on mine, her eyes shining with unshed tears as she smiles up at me.
“I love you, fuck I love you. I’ll give you everything in the world, be whoever you need whenever you need me. Fuck, you really love me?”
She smiles brightly up at me. “I really love you. So fucking much, Char–”
I crash my mouth onto hers before she’s finished saying my name and I kiss her like she’s the air I need to breathe. She kisses me back with the same intensity. She breaks us apart before I’m ready and holds her hand to my chest as I try to chase her lips once again.
“I’m scared,” she admits.
“I’m scared too, but isn’t it better for us to be scared together?”
This time when I take her mouth once again, I don’t stop. Neither does she and we don’t care to break apart for anything for the rest of the day. I can’t help but think about the fact that this could be the rest of our lives. And that is the one thought that doesn’t scare me. Because I know she’s it for me. Audrey was always going to be it for me.