19. Elyse
CHAPTER 19
ELYSE
B efore Sebastian even returns from the garage I'm hauling ass into the house and heading straight to the bedroom. He tends to be a creature of habit, and knowing him, he will likely go into the study to check emails and handle business, giving me the time I need to pack a few things and get the money ready while he's distracted.
When I step into our room, a wave of anguish slams into me, and I close my eyes against the pain developing there. God this hurts. Thinking about leaving him hurts. Being away from him hurts. I've been fighting him over and over this whole time because of what he's done, and yet, here I am, lying to him.
I know I’m not a good person. I've hurt people. Killed a man. And even now I’m about to steal Sebastian's money and betray him to his enemy. If the roles were reversed, though, I’m sure he would do the same. Right? My emotions are all over the place, and I scrub my hands up my face and groan in frustration. This is my opportunity to fix things. If I go to my father, he'll leave Sebastian alone for good and maybe, if I'm lucky, I can have him take Tanya out of the equation, too. Or...if I have to, I'll do it myself. My father won't lock me up, not when he can sell my body for his own benefit. It might be the one and only perk of being the sheriff's daughter.
A humorless laugh escapes me, and I start walking again, heading straight for the closet.
There is no other option, no other way to undo what I’ve done. It’s this or nothing. Turning the light on, I search the closet for a suitcase.
There are some stacked in the corner, along with a duffle bag or two at the back, but they all have fancy designer names on them, and I don't want to add insult to injury here. At the very bottom of the duffle bags I spot an old gym bag.
It smells a little sweaty, but my father can fucking deal with it. I drop to my knees and tuck my feet beneath me. Then I drag the fancy bag of money out of its hiding place. It takes a minute, but I transfer one hundred thousand dollars over to the sweaty gym bag. Then I turn my attention to the clothing and start rifling through the items, grabbing the cheapest things I can find. Why doesn't this man learn to shop at a big box store like normal people?
I end up shoving a couple of overpriced jeans into the bag on top of the money, along with some underwear and a few sweaters. My father will take whatever he wants and sell it for cash, then give me the scraps, but I'll take it in hopes he won't be as much of an asshole as he usually is.
With everything neatly packed away, I turn off the light and step out of the closet and into the bedroom. I listen carefully for any sounds of Sebastian’s presence.
The seconds tick by, but all I hear is my own breathing and silence.
I don’t know what I would do if I walked out of the room and he was standing there, but he isn’t, so it’s okay. I slowly relax my shoulders and try to release some of the tension and ache in my bones, but every step I take solidifies my betrayal and the inevitable pain he will feel because of it. I don't want to leave him. I’ve never wanted to leave him, not really. I've been too stubborn for my own good and for way too long—an outcome of years of having to rely on myself and only myself from a young age.
I guess I never really trusted Sebastian completely. No matter what, I was always counting down the days until he got tired of having me around. Until he sent me away, or sold me to the next person. I never had a constant in my life, not until him, and now I’m going to throw it all away. The duffel bag slides off my shoulder and falls to the floor with a loud thunk.
Try as I may not to cry, I can't stop the tears from coming, and once they do I’m consumed by them. Every time I blink, another tear falls, sliding down my cheek and leaving a cold trail behind. They keep falling, even as I swipe at them, insisting they disappear.
I hate that after everything I’ve been through, I won’t get to experience true happiness. I won’t get to live a happy, normal life, but it’s a sacrifice I have to make, because at the very least I’ll have ensured he’s safe.
My cell phone vibrates inside my pocket, and I pull it out, my hand getting tangled in Sebastian's oversized letterman jacket. I have to tug my arm free of the sleeve to swipe the screen properly, which is way more effort than necessary when I realize it’s only my father.
Unknown Number: Don’t be late; you know I don’t like waiting.
Red hot anger pulses in my chest. I hate him. I hate him so much. With trembling hands, I toss the phone towards the bed, needing to get it away from me, but it bounces off the coverlet and onto the floor instead. I don’t really care. I’d love to break the thing, to toss it out of the car while driving down the road. Anything to get him away from me. To sever contact. That’s the least of my worries, though.
The guilt builds, pressing down on my shoulders and chest like cinder blocks.
I can’t do this. I can’t, but I also have no other option. My legs give out on me, and I sink to my knees, the jacket puddling on the floor around me. My leg accidentally hits the bag, sending it sideways with the contents spilling out across the shiny hardwood floor. That sends me careening over the cliff's edge of emotion. I don't want to do this. None of it. I want to let Sebastian hold me, tell me it's going to be all right, and for once in my life I want to put my trust in someone and not have it be misplaced.
Curling into myself, I rest my head in my hands and fight against the indecision battling for supremacy. I'm so buried in this...grief…I don't hear Sebastian enter the room until the warm air stirs around me, alerting me to his presence.
"What the fuck is going on here?"
I should be afraid. I should beg for his forgiveness, but I don’t. I slowly unfold myself and look up at him. I take one moment to admire his beauty, to see the warmth in his eyes that is there because of me, because once I tell him what I’ve done, what I plan to do, I know he’ll never look at me the same. Even if I don’t want to, I have to tell him. I have to make a choice.
To keep running or face this head on. To let him do what he promised. The only thing we can do is try, since if he fails, my father will likely kill me, anyway. At least then I won't have to live with the pain and guilt of what I’ve done.
Sniffling, I swipe my fists under my eyes. "I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”
“Shhhh, it’s all okay. Tell me what the problem is.” His voice is a soothing balm, but the cold rigidity of his body tells me he’s preparing himself for something worse.
“I need to tell you something."
He nods, and then his gaze leaves me to sweep over the contents of the bag strewn on the floor. Reaching for the mess, I try to gather it into my lap, but it proves difficult.
"I thought..." The tears start pouring down my cheeks again, making my vision blurry. "I thought I could take this money and leave. Leave and go to my father, and maybe he would leave you alone if I did."
All he does is blink, and to my shock he doesn’t respond with anger. If anything, he seems surprised. "Hold on.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, and I know that movement. He’s frustrated. “Am I piecing this together correctly? You made a deal with your father to protect me?”
"This is all my fault," I wave at my phone. "If you had never met me…if I had never come here, you'd have never been on my father's radar. Tanya wouldn't have felt the need to assert her dominance. None of the terrible things that have happened since I appeared on your doorstep would have happened.”
Moving, he kneels down beside me, and I can't help but notice the way his pants stretch over his muscular thighs. "Little Prey, I say this as kindly as I possibly can, but that is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth."
I flinch and withdraw into myself, but he refuses to allow the retreat and reaches out lightning fast, scooping me up in his arms. "Stop. I'm not saying you're stupid. I'm just saying what you've concluded is stupid. None of this is your fault. Your father is money hungry and gets off on power. Him seeing me as a threat has nothing to do with you. Even if you weren’t a part of my life, he would still see me as a threat and find a way to come for me. He thinks I'm less of a threat than Drew, or he'd go after him, too.”
I try to listen to what he’s saying, but I can’t make myself believe it. This is my fault. All of it. Cradling me in his arms, he stalks towards the bed, kicking the money and clothes out of his way. He sits on the edge of the mattress and turns me in his arms to face him.
"Elyse, look at me."
When all I do is shake my head, he maneuvers me so I'm straddling him, my knees resting on either side of his hips. Our positioning is intimate.The warmth of his touch makes me shiver when he cups me by the cheeks and swipes his thumbs under my eyes to clear away the tears.
"Listen to me, please. There is nothing and no one on this Earth I wouldn't murder, or fucking destroy to keep you safe and happy. If I haven't made that very clear by now then I'm going to have to work on it, because I mean it. You belong to me, and I belong to you, and so the second you left I'd have hunted you down and dragged you back here kicking and screaming. There is nothing I won’t sacrifice or do for you. Not even hell itself will stand in the way of us being together.”
There's so much conviction in his growling tone all I can do is swallow around the knot of emotions developing in my throat. I stare into his green eyes, and I see it. What he's been trying to tell me for awhile now. "You...I've always just felt like an obligation."
I watch as the muscles of his jaw flex and tighten before he releases a sigh, catching a whiff of the minty gum on his breath. "And that’s on me. I don't exactly have a lot of experience with all of this, but I’m trying. I will always try, for you, for our marriage. I want you Elyse, and that will never change.”
“I want you too.” I sniffle.
“Good. Now, tell me about this deal with your father. What did you promise him?”
I tip my chin toward my phone. "He's been texting me. Using the same tactic he always has, reminding me how everything bad in my life is my fault, and how worthless I am.” I hate the slight tremble of my voice, and Seb gently rubs his thumbs down my cheeks, almost like he knows it too. "I’m really sorry. I wanted to fix this. Make things right so you can move on without him trying to hurt you. I promised to bring him money, the money I saw hidden in the closet, and myself. In turn he promised to leave you alone for good."
"Anything else?"
I hold up my hand between us. "He wanted my ring, too."
Another jaw clench, but this time his gaze darkens. "Little Prey, you’re so fucking pure and perfect, I can’t even be angry with you right now.”
“What? What do you mean? Didn’t you just hear what I said?”
Sebastian lets out a small laugh, “Oh I heard you, but I also know your father would’ve taken everything you promised him and still sent someone to kill me. He used your kindness, and naivete against you. I understand you thought you were doing the right thing, but a man like him can’t be trusted. He’s out for one thing, for one person and that’s himself.”
"I just want you safe," I whisper and look away from him because I’m ashamed of myself for believing he might actually follow through this once.
“No. Don’t look away.” Sebastian lifts my chin, forcing my gaze back to his, and then leans forward and gently brushes his mouth against mine. Even the tiniest contact ignites flames of desire low in my belly. "I know you didn’t mean any harm. You thought you were doing the right thing, but we both know neither of us will have peace or be safe until he’s taken care of. Yes, you’re strong, but we’re a team. We work together on this. I need to know you trust me to keep you safe and to get rid of the problem. Will you let me do that, for us?"
The way he says us warms me from the inside out, making the tremors slow. "Us?"
"Yes, us. We are partners. You are my wife, and I know I'm not the most forthcoming bastard, but I'm trying, Ely. I'm really trying. It'll take time for me to break my old habits. To rely on you, and for you to rely on me, especially when I know all we’ve ever had is ourselves." He glances at the bag of cash. “But we do this together, as a team. I want that. I want you. I want us."
I lean in, staring deep into his eyes before I kiss him. As soon as our lips touch, his eyes drift closed, and his hand splays across the back of my neck, holding me in place as he kisses me back with the same unwavering passion.
Fuck. I need him. I want him .
Like I’ve never wanted anything else in my life. The bubble of desire pops when I move to deepen the kiss, and he pulls away.
"No," he says breathlessly. "I want you, too, so fucking bad but we need to clear the air, spill any other secrets before it’s too late.”
“I have nothing else to tell you.”
This time he looks away, his eyes landing on something over my shoulder. I watch him swallow, his throat bobbing. "Okay, well, I have something I need to tell you. And it’s not going to be easy for you to hear but I can’t carry the guilt with me anymore…” There’s a desperation to his voice. “I need you to listen to me, to be understanding and…”
This sounds bad. Really fucking bad, and I don’t have the bandwidth to handle much more right now. Not when my insides feel like someone took a cheese grater to them.
“We can talk, and you can tell me whatever it is you need to tell me, but not right now. I can’t handle anything else. I just need you. Need you to hold me. Need you to tell me everything is going to be okay, because it doesn’t feel like it is.”
He presses his forehead to mine relief flickering in his eyes. "I know the future seems daunting right now, but we will get through this together. We're both fucked up, fractured, and flawed. But that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve happiness, nor does it mean we can’t create our own version of it."
I pull away enough to look into his eyes again. "Do you really think so?"
He nods, "I read this quote once. Oscar Wilde said 'we're all a little broken. That's how the light gets in.' It stuck with me because at the time I read it, I wanted it to be true. I wanted to be someone with light. I wanted to know that even if I was broken, it didn't mean I was unworthy, that I was done for. Then I met you. You shined light into all the fractures in my soul and made me realize there is more to myself than the darkness, than the little abused boy I used to be. You’re my light, my everything, and we will get through this together.”
My heart seizes in my chest. I love him. There is no denying it. Taking his cheeks in my hands, I kiss him with a desperate need while speaking through each brush of my lips. "You're my light, too, and I’m sorry. Sorry for my stubbornness, and for succumbing to old habits. For letting my past trauma dictate my future.”
He clutches my hips, pulling me closer and ensuring there isn’t an inch of space between our bodies. "You mean that? No more running. No matter what happens? No matter who comes for us, we will stand against them together, agreed?"
I’m afraid. I’m terrified to say yes because I’ve never had anyone in my life I could rely on, who would defend me and protect me. But I’ll never be able to move forward if I continue to live in the past.
“Agreed. No more running. We’re a team.”
"Swear it to me. We made vows, and while I suppose I can't hold you to the first one since you were kind of out of it, I'm sure as hell holding you to this one. Promise me you won’t run anymore. That when shit gets hard, you’ll lean on me.”
I smile. “If you promise the same to me. I promise the same to you, except the no running part. If you’re chasing me, then I’m running.”
The corner of his full lips tips up. "Oh, you’ll never have to worry about that. I’ll always chase after you. Wherever you go, I’ll be there, Little Prey.”