Chapter 5 Sasha
FIVE
SASHA
It had been a week since I marched out of Roman’s office, and I had been cursing him every day since.
Every time I had to go out and turn in applications to find a job, every time I had to return home to my parents house where I was forced to live until I was back up on my feet, every time I looked across the hall from my childhood bedroom to find Chloe’s still there, looking like she never really existed anywhere but in my mind.
Chloe moved out for college at eighteen, and even though she returned to that room from time to time during extended breaks, she never moved back in permanently.
She cleaned it out herself of her personal belongings, leaving nothing but the furniture, so it looked like a cheap guest room, but every time I looked across the hall, I didn’t see it the way it sat.
I saw it the way it used to be. I saw her dirty clothes wadded up and randomly tossed across the fluffy blue carpet.
I saw her bed unmade, the floral comforter a wad in the center with wrinkled white sheets and pillows scattered about.
I saw the dresser still lined with photos of her friends, awards and trophies, and an array of makeup and nail polish that all teenage girls kept on hand.
I closed my laptop and stood from my bed, mindlessly walking across the hall and into her dark bedroom.
I flipped on the light and scanned the space before me.
Everything was neat and tidy, not a speck of dust or a wrinkle in the pristine bedspread.
An old flat-screen TV sat at the end of the dresser.
The vanity had pretty perfume bottles lined up neatly, but I knew Mom had probably found them at antique stores or rummage sales and put them there as a decorative piece.
There wasn’t a single thing in her room that reminded me of her, and that made my chest feel like it was being ripped open.
I moved to the bedside table and pulled open the drawer, expecting her diary to slide to the front, but it didn’t.
She always hated it when I’d read her diary, but it was a favorite pastime of mine.
I was young when she was a teenager, and she’d write about her friends and boyfriends, making her life seem fun and exciting.
I felt a little let down when the only things in the drawer were the TV remote and a phone charger, in case a guest needed it.
I sighed as I closed it and turned my attention to another direction.
Since our bedrooms were at the top of the stairs, we both had large windows overlooking the front yard. Mom kept the curtains drawn to cut heating and cooling costs, but Chloe loved to keep them open. She liked letting the light in and seeing everything going on outside the house.
I looked at the plain tan curtains that hung there, remembering when Chlo had multicolored striped curtains with hot pink sheers beneath them.
She had beaded necklaces and athletic medals that hung from the rod.
Her room used to be full of color and personality, but in her absence, it had lost all purpose, much like Roman.
I felt close to my sister when I pulled up to Roman’s. In the back of my mind, I told myself this was a different life, and my sister was still alive and waiting for me in her high-rise, but that was gone the minute I was in the same room with Roman.
I thought being back in our childhood home would help me feel close to her again, but I was wrong.
There was nothing that connected us anymore, except that her pictures hung next to mine on the walls.
I kept getting older and older in them as they progressed.
Hers remained the same, the pretty girl frozen in time.
Feeling overwhelmed, I grabbed my keys and went to the only place where I might be able to connect with her again.
Her gravesite.
I hadn’t been since the day of her funeral, and it took me a while to even remember where it was. I finally found it, though, tucked in the far back corner.
I knew my mom visited regularly, decorating the grave, cleaning it, and coming by.
I smiled when I saw the stone bench my parents added at the end, so Mom could sit and stare at the picture of her daughter on the headstone.
The image she chose was one taken on the day she married Roman.
It was just a close-up of her face in an oval-shaped frame in the center of the stone.
If you didn’t know it was taken from her wedding picture, you’d never guess.
Even though the picture was black and white, she looked beautiful, happy, and so in love.
I shook my head as I sat on the stone bench.
“How could you love that man?” I asked… her? Her picture? The universe?
I sighed.
“Mom is worried sick about Sophia. I did everything I could to try and ease her worries, but he won’t let us have anything to do with her.
” I took a deep breath. It felt like it gave me a newfound energy.
“Which really pisses us off, by the way. She’s our family too.
It’s not fair that she’ll never get to know her mom, that she’ll never get to see where you came from.
It’s unfair that we’ll never get the chance to love her the way we loved you.
” My eyes started to tear. “I can’t help but wonder if she’s anything like you. ”
I smiled as I thought back on my own childhood.
“Does she have that mean little giggle you did when you knew you were about to start trouble? Does she have that twinkle in her eye that gives away the fact that she’s about to lie? Is her blonde hair as silky as yours was, or can she actually have a high ponytail without it falling out?”
I swallowed over the lump in my throat, my anger cutting through the sweet memories.
“What’s she going to do without you, huh?
Who is going to teach her about the birds and the bees?
Who is going to run to the store for her when she suddenly gets her period for the first time?
You know we can’t trust Roman to buy the right stuff.
He’ll go to the store for pads and end up bringing home something stupid like puppy pads.
” I chuckled. “He’ll probably have some crazy rules for her, too.
Like, no dating until she’s eighteen, so she’ll have to go to all of her high school dances alone.
And who’s going to give her a pep talk when she has her first heartbreak from the relationship she had to keep secret from her dad?
Who’s going to take her back-to-school shopping?
You know how much fun you, I, and Mom had doing that every year. ”
I bent forward, resting my elbows on my knees and letting my head fall into my hands.
“She needs family, Chlo, and Roman is forcing her to be just as lonely as he is. My heart aches for her. I know this isn’t how you would want her to be raised.
” I let my hands fall away, and I stood.
“I’ll keep trying, but I don’t know if he’ll ever allow it.
Maybe you can help me out from the other side?
Make him see things a little more clearly.
I love you, Chloe. So much. I miss you constantly. I’ll come back soon, OK?”
I turned to leave, but I stopped suddenly when I came face-to-face with Roman. I sucked in a breath, and my hand flew to my chest to cover my racing heart. “God, how long have you been there?”
He shrugged, keeping his dark eyes locked with mine.
“What are you even doing here?”
He moved his right arm, drawing my attention to the bouquet he was holding in his hand.
My eyes made their way up, slowly drinking in the tanned skin of his muscular arm.
They slid across his broad chest, noticing the way his black t-shirt was stretching across it.
They wanted to move downward so I could take in the way his stomach narrowed, but I forced them back up to his face.
Damn him for looking as good as he did. Even though I hated him with a passion, he looked damn good, maybe even better than he did in his younger years, and that was saying something. He clearly worked out.
When he got with Chloe, he was cute and all, but he was young, and his body hadn’t fully developed.
He was always busy with school or work, and he just didn’t have time to go to the gym aside from football.
But with his company a success and his wife gone, he appeared to spend most of his time on his workouts.
I was sure that no woman could resist him until he opened his mouth.
“I was just leaving. I’ll take off and give you some privacy.” I moved around the bench and went to walk around him, but I froze when I felt the hot skin of his hand grab my cold, bare bicep. I stopped next to him, my head down at first, but slowly moving up until I was trapped in his gaze again.
“Don’t go.”
I lifted my brows in surprise. “Why not?”
He ran his tongue across his lips, wetting them. “I’ve done a lot of thinking this past week, and you’re right. I’m fucking everything up. I’m letting Chloe down, and I’m being a horrible father to Sophia.”
I wasn’t prepared to have him agree with me, so I didn’t respond. I knit my brows in confusion, wondering who the man before me was and what he had done to the Roman I couldn’t stand.
“I can’t be the father she needs me to be. At least, not right now. But that’s not her fault. She deserves to be surrounded by family, by people who love her. The job is yours if you still want it.”
I think my mouth fell open. “You… You mean it?”
He released my arm, instantly leaving it twice as cold without his heat. “Yeah. I’ll have my assistant reach out to you with details.”
I smiled at him, relief flooding through me. Maybe Chloe had heard my pleas.
He tore his attention from me, training his gray eyes on the sky. “It’s about to storm. You’d better get home before it hits.”
Almost on cue, a gust of wind blew through. I looked up at the sky and saw the dark clouds rolling in across the already gray sky.
“Go on and get home. I don’t want to have to worry about you driving in this.”
I pressed my lips into a tight line as I met his gaze.
Neither of us spoke. We just stood side by side, he facing one way and I facing the other, yet both our heads turned to look at one another.
I saw his eyes narrow slightly in confusion, deepening the lines around them.
It had been the first time that I’d looked at him in a long time, like really looked.
My sister had only been dead for over four years, but he’d aged so much within that timeframe.
Maybe not so much physically, but I could see it in his eyes. The way he held himself. How he spoke.
He really did love her, and living without her is what turned him into the asshole I met a week earlier. For the first time, I realized it wasn’t just Sophia who needed help. It was him, too. He needed to grieve and move on. Until then, he’d never be happy.
I didn’t say goodbye. Neither did he. I just turned my head away from him, breaking our connection, and pushed myself forward.
As I walked away, I noticed the way goosebumps had formed on my skin, making every hair stand on end.
I wasn’t sure what connection we’d found there, but it was unlike anything I’d ever felt.
Perhaps we were both struck by the realization that we were finally coming to understand one another.
He saw where I was coming from, and I got a glimpse at where he had been all this time.
I saw nothing but darkness, despair, and loneliness while feeling broken and lost. I came to her gravesite to feel close to her, but I was leaving feeling closer to Roman, and that was completely unexpected.
I shivered as I walked away, rubbing my hands up and down my biceps to warm myself.
I was colder than before. I pushed all thoughts of him away as I finally reached my car.
I opened the door, climbed behind the wheel, started the engine, and shifted into drive.
But before pressing on the gas, I turned and looked over at him.
He wasn’t looking at the headstone. In fact, it didn’t look like he’d moved at all.
He was still facing the grave with the flowers clutched in his hand.
But his head was turned, and his eyes were on me.
Even with so much distance between us, I could feel the heat of his stare, and it made me wonder what he was thinking.
Something told me he was probably hating himself as much as I was hating him.
I broke off the stare first and started driving down the paved path to the cemetery’s exit.
I stopped at the end, needing to look to my left before I turned right onto the main road.
My eyes moved to the rearview mirror, and he was still there, watching me drive away.
Feeling as if I’d been caught with my hand in the cookie jar, I stepped on the gas and drove away as fast as I possibly could, as my sadness engulfed me.
We didn’t just lose Chloe that day.
We lost Roman, too.