Chapter 35 Sasha
THIRTY-FIVE
SASHA
What started out as a nice trip ended terribly.
We didn’t do anything on Saturday but stay in our room, watching TV.
Roman caught a virus and slept most of the day.
We woke early on Sunday to catch our flight home, and he was quiet the whole time.
He didn’t look at me. He didn’t touch me—not unless I took his hand to hold, and even then, he had to resist the urge to jerk away.
I was worried that something was up, something more serious than a virus.
It felt like he was pulling away, as if, sometime between going to sleep Friday night and waking up Saturday morning, he had decided to end things.
But nobody would want to break up with someone when they were on vacation together, so, as anyone would do, he was waiting until we were back home.
The whole way home, I was a nervous wreck, waiting for the bomb to drop.
When we got home, he went directly to his office, claiming he had work to do.
I knew he was hiding, but I let him because I worried that if I pushed him, he’d react and lash out, causing me more harm than good.
So, while he kept himself busy in another room, I did what I needed to do to keep my mind occupied.
I unpacked from our trip and started some laundry.
The house was clean since nobody had been home, but I wiped down the counters and swept the floors anyway to have something to do.
Monica brought Sophia home around five, and she and I cooked dinner together, but Roman didn’t come out to join us.
Sophia had been missing her daddy, but he told her that he had gotten sick on his trip, so she left him alone.
That night, I tucked her into bed, and once she was asleep, I went to check on Roman.
I knocked on the bedroom door, but he didn’t answer, so I opened it and stuck my head in.
When I saw the room was empty, my eyes moved to the bathroom door, which was closed.
I entered the room and closed the door behind me.
Approaching the bathroom door, I stopped and listened, hearing the sound of water running in the shower.
I stripped down and let myself into the bathroom.
I opened the shower door to find him sitting on the bench. His lids were heavy, and his eyes were bloodshot. He had been drinking—it was easy to see. That’s when I knew without a doubt that he wasn’t sick. Who polished off a bottle of whiskey with the stomach virus?
He hadn’t been drinking since we got together.
Maybe a drink here or there with dinner, but gone were the nights of drowning in liquor and stumbling drunk.
I saw his bloodshot eyes move around my body, and the corners of his mouth lifted just slightly.
I entered the shower and climbed onto his lap, straddling him.
He didn’t push me away. Instead, he pulled me closer as he smashed his mouth to mine.
The second his tongue urged its way into my mouth, I knew my suspicions were true. I could taste the whiskey on him.
“You’re drunk,” I whispered against his lips.
“So? My dick still works,” he replied, capturing my mouth once again.
He moved his fingers between my legs, rubbing circles around my clit.
I didn’t know what was going on between us, but his touch warmed me like I knew it always would.
The second he knew he could slide inside me, he did.
I sank lower and lower down his massive cock.
“That’s it,” he whispered, urging me to rock against him. He kissed my chin, his lips moving up my jaw to my ear. “I want you to remember this, Sasha. Remember how perfectly we fit together.”
I didn’t stop moving against him, but I did lean back enough that I could look into his eyes. “Why are you saying these things?”
“I want you always to remember how I feel inside you.”
“I could never forget,” I whispered.
He let out a growl as he grabbed my hips and stood, pressing my back to the wall. His mouth slammed down on mine, and he kissed me hard and fast as his hips thrusted into me with speed and force.
“You feel so fucking good on my dick, baby.” He scraped his teeth against my neck. “Fuck, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
And right then, I realized what was happening, why he was pulling back, why he was pushing me away.
He realized that he had fallen in love with me, and he didn’t know what to do with that.
In his mind, his heart would always belong to my sister.
He didn’t think he could love anyone else.
And once he realized it, everything unraveled.
I cupped his face between my hands, and I stared into his eyes. “Roman, I love you.”
He closed his eyes and shook his head. “No, you don’t. You deserve more than I could ever offer you.”
“Look at me, Roman.”
His hips went still, and he opened his eyes. I saw nothing but sadness, pain, anger, and regret.
“I love you.”
“Stop fucking saying that. That’s not what this is.” He put me on my feet and pulled away. I stood speechless as I watched him climb out of the shower.
I quickly turned off the water and chased him across the bathroom as he dried off.
“Why are you doing this? Why are you acting this way?”
“We can’t fucking do this. We can’t be together.” His jaw shook.
“We’ve been together for the last month. Why are you saying this now?”
“We were fooling ourselves into thinking it could work, but it can’t.”
I wrapped a towel around myself. “Why can’t it?”
“How can a relationship work when we can’t even go out in public together unless we’re halfway around the country?”
My mouth fell open, but no words came out. I suddenly felt exhausted. I knew it didn’t matter what I said to him because he was destined to win, or determined to punish himself, however he wanted to look at it.
“How do you think your parents are going to feel about this?”
“I already told you. I don’t care how they feel about it.”
He shook his head, but for the first time since we’d been back home, he didn’t look sad or upset. He looked amused, the corners of his mouth turning up into a smirk.
“Fine, then think about this.” He stepped toward me.
“Do you really want to go through life explaining to people how we met? Do you really want people to know that I was married to your older sister? That I fucked her until she wasn’t alive anymore and then I moved on to little sis once she was of age?
” He shook his head. “Do you want to attend Sophia’s high school graduation with everyone thinking you’re her mom, only to have to tell them that you’re really her aunt who’s been riding her daddy’s dick since big sis has been gone?
People will look at us like we’re some fucked-up incest family.
Let’s face it, Sasha. We had our fun, but this can’t go on.
You were a fun lay, and I did enjoy tearing your virginity from your body, but that’s all this was. Me helping you out.”
Anger filled me from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. All I could see was red. “Fuck you, Roman.”
That smirk got wider. “You already did.”
I felt the tears sting my eyes, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing them fall.
I shoved past him, bashing my shoulder against his as I headed for the door.
I didn’t look back. I opened the bathroom door and slammed it closed behind me.
I marched across his bedroom and made a mad dash for mine.
Inside, I didn’t bother with getting dressed or going to my own shower to clean up. I just threw myself down on the bed, buried my face in the pillows, and cried myself to sleep.
It sounded like the door opened and shut quietly, and my head popped up. The room was dark, even though I had no memory of turning off the lamp beside the bed. I heard soft footsteps approaching, and I assumed it was Sophia, given how quiet they were.
“Soph?” I asked, trying to force my eyes to adjust to the darkness.
“Sasha?” Sophia said, sticking her head into my room.
“What’s wrong, Soph?”
“I can’t sleep. Can I sleep with you?”
“Come on,” I told her. “Get in bed. I’m going to go use the bathroom.
” As she climbed in, I climbed out, holding my towel around me as I made my way toward the bathroom.
Inside, I tossed my towel into the hamper and pulled on some pajamas I had in there.
While getting dressed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, finding a small hickey low on my neck.
Seeing it made me mad about the stupid fight we’d had. The words he’d said to me.
I went back to bed, and Sophia rolled over and went to sleep the second I was beside her.
I combed her hair away from her face with my fingers as I thought about my sister and how much I missed her.
I hated that she was taken away too soon.
I hated that she never got to meet her daughter.
I hated that her loss left such an empty spot in so many of us.
But maybe that empty spot was what was supposed to bring us all together.
When I woke up in the morning, I wasn’t surprised to find that Roman had already taken off.
I just hoped and prayed that it wasn’t going to be like it was before, where he didn’t come home for days at a time.
Sophia had gotten used to having a father again.
Losing him again would kill her. And I hated myself when I thought about how it was my fault.
Days passed. Nights dragged by. I went to school, and Sophia went to daycare. We came home every evening and cooked dinner together. Every night she asked where her daddy was, but he never came home. I didn’t want to give in and call him, but he wasn’t giving me any choice.
So finally, after eight nights of Sophia crying for him, I called him after I got her into bed.
I was surprised when he picked up instead of sending the call to voicemail. Only when he answered did it become clear he was busy: a roar of laughter and the soft beat of music in the background.
“Hello?”
I was expecting a voicemail. Or maybe I was expecting him to answer in the silence of his office. I wasn’t expecting to find him out, having the time of his life while we sat home, miserable and missing him.
“Roman?” I asked because my mind was drawing a blank.
“Yeah, what’s going on?”
“Where are you?”
There was more laughter. “I’m in a meeting. What do you need?”
“It doesn’t sound like a meeting.”
“Fuck, Sasha. What do you want?”
His harsh tone was like a slap in the face, and it made me defensive.
“I’m calling to remind you that you still have a daughter. You remember her, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.”
“She misses you. She misses having dinner with you. She misses seeing you every night. Stop being an asshole about us and come home for her sake.”
“I have to go.” He hung up without a reply.
I let out a growl and took a deep breath.
I knew what I needed to do. I had to keep fighting.
I dialed Monica and asked her to sit with Sophia while I went out.
She agreed to, and while I waited for her to arrive, I changed into a little black dress and did my makeup.
I was going to find him, and I wasn’t going to leave until he saw the light.