Chapter 36 Roman
THIRTY-SIX
ROMAN
It felt like someone had reached into my chest and squeezed my heart.
I couldn’t sit there and listen to her tell me how much pain I was causing my daughter.
I never wanted to hurt her, which is why I stayed away from her as much as possible.
But being with Sasha also meant being with my daughter, and I loved the time we’d spent together.
Truth be told, I missed her too. I couldn’t go home, though.
Going home to her meant going home to Sasha, and I knew that Sasha would eventually leave if I insisted on staying away from one another.
Sophia needed her more than I did. If I stayed away, the two of them would have each other.
I could live a miserable life. I’d already been living that way for years anyway.
I slid the phone back into my pocket and turned toward the country club. The door opened, and Casey came walking out.
“There you are. I turned my back for one minute, and you were gone. Everything okay?” she asked, coming to a stop in front of me.
“I just stepped away to take a call.”
She nodded toward the country club. “You ready to head back in?”
I nodded, and she wrapped her arm around mine as we walked in together.
“I’m glad you called. I missed this. You must have been busy over the last month. I thought you’d call sooner.”
“Yeah, I’ve been busy,” I told her, not wanting to go into any details about what had kept me busy. Not that she would care. She was a paid escort, but I didn’t wish to answer any follow-up questions on the matter.
The two of us went back into the charity event and took our seats at our table.
“There you are. I was afraid you’d left before we could make a deal,” Tony Anderson said, tuning in his chair to look at me.
I picked up my half-empty glass of bourbon and took a sip. “Just had to take a call, but I’m sticking to my original number.”
He raised his hand to flag down the waiter, and when the waiter walked over, he said, “Another round for my pal.”
I chuckled. “It doesn’t matter how much alcohol you pour down my throat, Tony. I’m not budging on the price. You pay what I’m asking, or you don’t get the business.”
“I guess I could always let some shmuck buy at the asking price, then buy it off of him when he realizes he’s bitten off more than he can chew.”
I nodded along. “Yeah, you could, but by then he’ll probably have ruined the name, and it won’t be worth as much.” I smiled, knowing I was getting into his head.
His smile fell as he stared off into the distance, clearly thinking about my asking price more seriously.
“Boys, hasn’t anyone ever told you that you’re not supposed to be doing business at a party?” Casey asked, batting her lashes at Tony before turning her smile on me.
“Nonsense,” Tony said. “More business gets done at these parties than what gets done during business hours.” He chuckled before looking at me. “I’ll have my lawyer reach out on Monday.”
I nodded. “I look forward to it.”
“Okay, now that’s out of the way, I want to dance,” Casey said, standing and looking down at me.
I finished off my whiskey and set the empty glass on the table.
“Duty calls,” I told Tony as I stood.
Casey took my hand in hers, and she pulled me toward the dance floor. I couldn’t think about the last time I’d been on a dance floor and how I ended up spending the rest of that evening wrapped up in the woman I wasn’t supposed to love.
Casey turned to face me, and it snapped me out of the memory because it wasn’t the face I wanted to see. I hadn’t seen Sasha in almost two weeks, and I was beginning to feel like I was going into withdrawals. Whenever I pictured her face, my stomach would clench, and my heart would crack.
I was desperate to hold her, to kiss her. I wanted to drop down onto my knees and beg for her forgiveness, but I couldn’t do that. I needed her to hate me. I needed her to move on because I wasn’t strong enough to keep space between us any other way.
I put my hands on Casey’s hips, and she wrapped her arms around my neck. Her dark eyes met mine, and she smiled. I didn’t return the gesture.
“Why don’t you tell me what’s really been going on this last month?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re different.”
“No, I’m not.”
She rolled her eyes and smirked. “You met someone, didn’t you?”
I frowned. “No.”
“Liar,” she shot back. “Why don’t you just tell me? It’s not like I’m going to get mad.”
“I don’t want to tell you because I don’t want to talk about it.”
“So, it’s true?”
I let out a long sigh, and my feet stopped moving.
“Yes, okay? I got with someone, everything was great until I realized that things were getting a little too serious, so I broke it off, and now I’m miserable all over again. Are you happy?”
She shrugged one shoulder, and we went back to dancing slowly. After a minute, she said, “You do know that it is OK to move on, right? If you’re ever going to be happy again, you’re going to have to let a relationship get serious at some point.”
“Not with her.”
“Why not?
I wasn’t usually the type of guy who wanted to talk about his problems, but I did notice that it was helping me to feel better. Letting out the words made me feel lighter somehow.
“Can you keep a secret?”
“Of course.”
I wet my lips. “And you promise you won’t judge me?”
She tilted her head to the side. “Roman, I’m a paid escort. Do you think I have any room to judge anyone?”
“Alright.” I took a deep breath. “The woman I’ve been seeing… I had to call things off because she isn’t just any woman. She’s the woman I hired to be the live-in help with my daughter.”
She snorted. “You’re not the first guy to get with a paid staff member.”
“She also happens to be Chloe’s little sister.”
Her brows arched high. “Chloe? As in your late wife, Chloe?”
I nodded, feeling the wave of guilt wash over me again.
“Okay. Wow,” she said, taking it all in. “And when you say little sister… How young are we talking?”
I rolled my eyes. “She’s legal. Twenty-one. In college, but still much younger than I am.”
“And you’re breaking things off with her…why?”
“There’s a hundred different reasons,” I replied. “She’s too young. By the time she’s my age, I’ll be eating my nightly pudding cup before bed.”
She laughed. “That isn’t true. Forty isn’t old. So you have ten years on her. Big deal. My parents have a fifteen-year age gap between them.”
“It’s complicated. Eventually, Sophia will get old enough to figure things out.
I don’t want to embarrass her, especially when she has to explain her family situation to people in her life.
Plus, I’m sure her parents would lose their fucking minds.
I think breaking it off is best for everyone involved. ”
She nodded. “And how does little sis feel about calling it off?”
“Last time I saw her, she was pissed off. I haven’t faced her since. I don’t know what to do. Sophia needs her.”
“She needs a father, too,” she reminded me.
As we danced, I glanced around the crowded room.
That’s when movement caught my eye, and I looked up to see Sasha walk into the ballroom.
She was wearing a little black dress with her hair a mess of curls around her.
She entered the room and stopped, scanning over every face until her eyes locked with mine.
I saw the way they softened for just a moment before she started toward me.
That’s when I put my attention on Casey as I pulled her closer.
“What’s going on?” Casey asked.
“She’s here.”
“Who?”
“Sasha,” I whispered, dancing in a circle. By the time I was facing her direction again, she was no longer coming toward me. She was standing at the bar with a glass of whiskey in her hand.
“Fuck,” I muttered.
“What? Where is she?” She was trying to look around me.
“She’s at the bar, drinking.”
“So, she saw us together?”
I nodded.
“Why don’t you just go talk to her? Explain things to her the way you explained them to me.”
“She won’t listen. She’ll just push until I give in and do something stupid. Again.”
“If the two of you can’t stay away from one another, there’s probably a reason for that.”
“She’s better off without me. She needs to go off and live her life, explore all her options, and find her place in the world.
I can’t offer her anything. We can’t even go out in public together without risking her parents disowning her.
I need to piss her off enough that she lets go.
” That’s when I glanced toward her again, and our eyes locked.
I knew what I had to do. I took a step away from Casey, causing her to look up at me with confusion. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my credit card. “Go get us a room. I’ll meet you at the front desk.”
She took the card with a lifted brow. “Are you sure about this?”
“Just go.”
She didn’t argue. She just turned and walked toward the door that separated the ballroom from the rest of the club. Once she was on her way, I started toward Sasha at the bar.
The moment I approached, the bartender put a glass in front of me, so I picked it up and threw it back.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, not looking at her even though she was staring up at me.
“You didn’t give me much of a choice. We have a lot of things to talk about, and that’s pretty hard to do when you refuse to come home. Am I the reason you’re avoiding the house and your daughter? Because if I am, I can move out.”
“Don’t be stupid. Sophia needs you far more than she needs me.”
“She needs both of us, Roman. She’s just a little girl who has no idea what’s going on.
She’s had an endless line of women marching in and out of her life since birth.
She has a father who’s had little to nothing to do with her for most of her life.
Then she gets a month of dinners, play time, and bonding with you, only to lose you again.
She doesn’t understand. She thinks she did something wrong. ”
My eyes closed as the pain sliced through me.
“I don’t need you telling me all the ways I’m fucking up.
I know.” I finished off the glass and set it on the bar top.
I turned and looked down at her. “I have to go. I suggest you do the same because I won’t be around to get you home safely if you happen to drink too much. Just go home, Sasha.”
I turned and headed toward the door, but I could tell that she was following my every step, so once I exited the ballroom, I turned to find her behind me.
“Why are you doing this?”
I clenched my jaw.
“You can pretend all you want, but I know that you don’t want this.”
“I do. I want you to leave.”
She grabbed my hand, and it felt like my skin was on fire. “You’re lying. You’re scared and running.”
“No, I’m not.” I pulled my hand away from hers. “Why is this so hard for you to understand. I don’t want you. I took the best part of you the night I fucked you.” The second the words were out, I regretted them.
She fell back a step as her lips parted, but no words came out. She was speechless. She was hurt, judging by the way those lines were forming between her eyebrows. I never wanted to hurt her, but it was the only way.
Godamnit.
“Go home.” I moved around her and walked across the lobby where Casey was standing, waiting for me to join her.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
I took her hand and started leading her toward the elevators.
“Everything is fine.” We came to a stop, and I reached out to push the button. I had no control, and I glanced toward the exit, where I found Sasha standing and staring at me. The expression on her face was pure pain. Not even a speck of anger or hate, and it only made me hate myself more.
“Come here,” I told Casey as I cupped her jaw and kissed her. I could tell by the tightness of her lips that she was surprised by my kiss, but she went along with it. I knew it was the trick to getting Sasha to walk away, to making her see who I really was.
When I broke away, I turned back toward the exit, and sure enough, she was gone. She’d finally had enough. Anything that was between us was now broken. No matter how badly I wanted her, she’d never allow it because I broke her heart, and in the process, I broke my own.
And I proved I couldn’t be trusted, further breaking the pedestal she had me on.
The elevator doors opened, and I took a step back. “Enjoy the room. Charge anything you want. I’m just going to take off.” I took a step, but Casey stopped me.
“Wait. You’re leaving?”
I nodded.
“So all of this…” She motioned around us. “It was just a show for her? You didn’t actually want to be with me, you just wanted her to think that you did?”
“I had to make her let go. I knew the only way I’d get her to do that was if she saw me with someone else.” I shrugged as I tucked my hands into my pockets.
She shook her head disapprovingly. “You’re going to regret letting that one go, Roman.”
“I already do, but I did it for her. Have a good night.” I turned and headed for the door.
I had just climbed behind the wheel of my car when everything hit me: the heartbreak, the anger, the regret. I hated how things turned out with us. I hated that we couldn’t just be together. I hated her for making me want her so badly, and I hated myself for hurting her.
I told myself to give it a few days. I was experiencing the hangover of being on a month-long bender. Time would get her out of my system, and that’s when I’d be able to heal. I just needed to wait it out.
But fuck, if it hurt like this then I didn’t know if I could even get through it.