Chapter 37 Sasha
THIRTY-SEVEN
SASHA
Iparked the car in the garage at home and didn’t even remember driving there.
I was so angry, lost in my thoughts, and it was a miracle that I made it in one piece. I wasn’t stupid. I knew what he was doing. He realized he had feelings for me, and it spooked him, so he was acting out.
He knew he had gotten into a relationship with me, but in his head, it was purely physical.
So when things started to get serious, he had no choice but to see the whole picture, and he wasn’t prepared for what he saw.
I think he never saw himself moving on from Chloe.
To him, she was his wife, and he was supposed to love her and only her for the rest of his life.
He was surviving without her, but he wasn’t living.
The change was so gradual that he didn’t even realize that he wasn’t miserable anymore.
Slowly, he became happier every day until the day came that he realized that he’d actually moved on from her.
Then he was hit with the guilt. When I thought about Chloe, I liked to believe that she was happy about Roman and me and supported our decision.
After all, it helped two people who loved and missed her dearly to find happiness again after her loss.
It gave her daughter a home with her father and a mother figure.
Chloe knew I would, and did, love Sophia as if she were my own child. What mother wouldn’t support us? Since Roman and I had gotten together, everything had been different. He’d all but quit drinking. He was coming home every night. He was eating actual meals. He was getting close to his daughter.
And Sophia was finally getting the bonding time she needed with her dad, the positive male model she needed in life. And for myself, I finally moved on from the situation I had been running from. Roman gave me confidence I never had before. He made me see my own value.
Us being together was the best thing that could’ve happened for all three of us. Why couldn’t he see that? I guessed it was hard to see anything when looking through grief, loss, and pain.
I wanted to honor Chloe. I wanted to do what she told me, but I couldn’t keep fighting for someone who wouldn’t fight for me.
I wanted to stay with Sophia, raise her, and watch her grow, but I couldn’t.
If I stayed, it would cost her her father.
The only thing I could think to do was leave, force him to step up and be the man she needed.
When I walked in the front door, I found Monica sitting in the living room, watching TV. She looked over at me with her brows lifted in surprise. “Wow, I didn’t expect you home this early.”
“I need you to stay.”
“What? Why?” She hit the mute button on the remote, and the room fell silent.
“Because I’m leaving. I’m moving out.”
“What? Why?” she said again, putting the remote on the table as she stood.
“I can’t go into that right now. I’m going to go pack. When you talk to Roman tomorrow, tell him I’ve left and won’t be back. He’ll understand.” I turned to head to my room, but Monica was following after me.
“Sasha, tell me what’s going on. What did he do?” she asked, coming to a stop in the doorway.
I grabbed a bag from under my bed, and I stood, refusing to look at her as I got busy packing. I couldn’t tell her the truth. “He didn’t do anything. It’s just time.”
“Did you forget that you have a contract to honor?”
I shook my head. “Something tells me that he won’t force me to uphold it.” I turned to head to the bathroom, but she stepped in front of me, cutting me off.
“What did he do, Sasha?”
“Why do you keep asking me that?”
“Because I know this isn’t right. You’ve been here longer than any other nanny.
You’ve outlasted them all. You wouldn’t be coming home in the middle of the night to quit your job if something hadn’t happened.
So, tell me what happened and I’ll fix it.
I don’t want to lose you, and I know Sophia doesn’t want to lose you either. ”
“There’s no fixing this. This isn’t about the money or wanting more time off. It goes deeper than that.”
“You’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?”
My brows instantly knotted.
“What? No.” My voice hitched.
“You don’t have to lie to me, Sasha. I’m not stupid.
I saw the way he looked at you from the very start.
And I noticed a while back when you started looking at him the same way.
” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I’ve worked with Roman for many years now.
I know him in ways many don’t. I figured you two got together when he stopped all the excessive overtime and started spending so much time at home.
And I’ve noticed the differences between you two this past week.
He’s suddenly back to working long hours and not coming home.
You’re here, but you’re distant, distracted.
And now you come home in a rush to move out.
If I had to guess, you two started hooking up.
Things were great, but then something happened.
He went back to his old ways, and you’re ready to leave. Am I close?”
I hated how close she was. “Nothing happened. Things were great, and then they weren’t. No warning. Nothing.”
She nodded. “Something happened. He realized he was happy, and that scared him because he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be happy.”
Instead of going to the bathroom like I was planning, I collapsed onto the bed, sitting on the edge. “What do I do now?”
She shrugged. “Give him some time to come around.”
“I was trying to, but tonight, I caught him with someone else.”
Her brows twitched.
“I-I went into his office. I saw he had an invitation to a charity event. I found him at a country club. When I got there, he was dancing with a woman. He told me to leave, and then I saw him get into the elevator with her, as if they were going up to their room. He kissed her.” Just thinking about it caused a pain to slice through my chest. I sucked in a sharp, gasping breath as tears prickled my eyes.
She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe him. For a smart guy, he can be really fucking stupid sometimes.”
I shrugged my shoulders as I stared at the floor. “It is what it is. I’m over it. H-He showed me exactly who he was when I wouldn’t believe him.”
“You know that whoever you saw him with, she doesn’t mean anything to him, right?”
“It doesn’t matter.” I looked at her. “It doesn’t matter if he loves her or if he’s only fucking her. He’s with her. He kissed her. And he’s probably fucking her right now. That can’t be undone. I need to go.” I stood and went back to my packing.
Monica seemed to creep closer and closer to the door until she was gone completely.
I didn’t go looking for her. I just gathered my things and made my way toward the front door.
Passing by the living room, I found her back on the couch, only she wasn’t watching TV; she was tapping on the screen of her phone.
I stopped and leaned against the corner. “I’m taking off. Here’s the keys.” I held them out.
She stood and walked closer until I could drop the keys into her palm.
“You sure you won’t reconsider?”
I forced a smile and shook my head. “Not this time. I have your number saved. I’d really like it if we could meet up every once in a while. You know so that I can see Sophia.”
She nodded. “Any time you want.”
I leaned in and hugged her.
“Thank you.” After a moment, I pulled away and rushed toward the door with tears stinging my eyes.
I didn’t have any notice of this big life change I was making, so I didn’t have anywhere to stay lined up.
I knew I didn’t want to go to my parents, though.
They’d ask too many questions, and I needed time to get my story straight.
I didn’t want to crash with any friends from school either.
They’d like to talk or go out, and I wasn’t in the mood.
All I wanted to do was curl up and cry until my eyes were too swollen to blink.
Since I had some money saved up, I decided to get a hotel room for the night.
I could be alone to cry it out, and I’d get my shit straight in the morning.
When I got to the hotel, I did exactly as I had planned.
I dropped my bag on the floor and threw myself onto the bed.
I brought my knees to my chest as the sobs began to take over my body.
I hated myself for crying. I hated myself for giving him that much power over me.
After everything that happened with Steven, I told myself I wouldn’t ever let another man hurt me.
I didn’t think that Roman would hurt me, though.
I guess I didn’t think that Steven would either.
I hated that Roman got my guard down so easily.
I hated that I gave myself to him. I hated him for hurting me.
And I hated that I didn’t have anyone to talk to about the heartache, which I had no idea how to recover from.
All I really knew was that I had to keep living. I had to keep moving forward.
Sure, I could’ve dug in my heels and refused to budge as the world moved on, but I knew that people who refused to move on only turned angry and bitter—much like Roman.
As I cried, I thought about how different my life would look.
If I wanted to play it safe, I also needed to find a job, so I had money coming in and not just going out—even though I knew I’d never in my life make the amount of money I was making being Sophia’s live-in nanny.
I made a ton of money and saved nearly every penny of it.
I wasn’t hurting for cash. In fact, I probably could’ve lived off that money the rest of the time I was in college if I had been careful with my spending.
I didn’t want to risk it, though, so I added “find a job” to my mental list.
Instead of spending my weeknight cooking dinner, watching TV with a child, and going to bed early, I knew I’d be hanging out with friends, going to games, and attending parties.
My thoughts went past college. I used to think about the future that Roman and I could’ve had together.
I saw us living together, falling even deeper in love.
I saw us surrounded by friends and family, all of them supportive of our relationship.
I saw us getting married and even having a child of our own.
In that instant, it all started fading away. Instead of settling down and starting a family with the man I loved, I saw myself finishing college, moving away, and starting a new life. I saw myself getting a new apartment, a new job, making new friends, and falling for some new guy.
In my imagination, the new guy didn’t have a face, but I fell in love with him regardless.
We dated, kissed, fought, made up, and moved on through the daily rhythms of work, dinners together, weekend trips away, meeting one another’s families, and then I saw him propose to me.
I said yes, and from there, it was nothing but a whirlwind of getting married, moving in together, and then I’d end up pregnant.
We’d welcome a child and carry on with life just like anyone else, living day to day, through the happiness, the sadness, the excitement, all life has to offer.
I’d be happy too. I’d move on from Roman.
But I didn’t want to. I wanted all of those things with him. I wanted him to be the one I married. I wanted him to be the father of my children. I wanted him to be the person by my side through the good times and the bad. Through the ups and downs of life.
But the only thing I could do was wait. Wait for him to want all the same things.
Wait for him to miss me. Wait for him to swallow his pride and come to me.
Until then, I had to keep going. I had to keep setting up my future, so I gave myself one night.
One night of wallowing in the pity. One night of tears and anger, then when I woke up in the morning, I’d let it all go and move on because I knew he wouldn’t come to me. He was being honest. He didn’t want me.
And that’s precisely what I did.
I cried myself to sleep that night, but when I woke in the morning, I pushed myself out of bed, I showered, got dressed, had breakfast, and went apartment shopping.
I found a tiny one-bedroom apartment that wasn’t too far from campus, but I knew I wouldn’t find anything closer halfway through the school year.
The only good part was that the building had been a dormitory for the school, so each apartment came furnished with a couch, appliances, tables, and a bed.
I signed the lease agreement and moved my stuff in the same day.
I didn’t have much to unpack, so it didn’t take me long.
I still had plenty of time to go shopping, stocking up on bathroom and kitchen supplies, while leaving me time to have dinner, get cleaned up, and go to bed early for school the next day.
At school, everything was the same, but it felt different somehow. I met up with the girls and told them about quitting my job. By lunch, I had Lance sliding into the chair across the table from me.
“Look, I’m really sorry. I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you that all this time, I couldn’t find the confidence to do it.”
I wondered if the sudden boost in confidence came from learning that I’d left my job, but I didn’t ask—I didn’t have the energy to.
“It’s fine,” I mumbled.
His mouth twitched, but he didn’t smile. “Friends?”
I nodded in agreement. “Friends.”
“Perfect. Hey, you want to come out with us on Friday? There’s this awesome band that’s playing at The Shriek Shack.”
I shrugged. “Sure, why not?”
And that was that. My old life was over, and a new one was blossoming. It’s what I planned for anyway.