Chapter 5 #2
“Oh, don’t get too high up on your horse, yet.
” Aimilia shifted away from the edge, holding her hand out, just in case he decided to move closer.
“That was just the beginning of why I hated you. Let us continue to examine everything you’ve done.
How about the way you lied to me? When Gavril returned with Marcella, you saw how devastated I was and you took advantage of my heartbreak and you manipulated me.
You used me. You tricked me into going along with your plan to get Marcella on that table so you could have her tortured because she looked like Hypatia!
Why? Because you will never be over Faustina. ”
Nikias’ lips shifted, but whatever objection he had never left his lips.
Aimilia took a deep breath, holding his gaze as her voice struck the silence. “The way I hated you before that was nothing compared to the way I hated you after.”
Nikias took a long, slow breath, the water trickling through the fountain the only other noise.
“We have had this argument before, but I will repeat myself if I must. I may have used… certain tactics, but I never lied to you. I was wrong, not just for not telling you everything, but for the whole thing in the first place. I am not trying to justify myself or my actions. I was wrong, and I have accepted responsibility for that. I’m sorry, and I have spent the last year trying to make up for what I did.
Both Gavril and Marcella have at least started to forgive the unforgivable things I did, and…
” Nikias stared at her, fingers brushing his cloak, curling into it. “I thought you had too.”
Aimilia didn’t like the heaviness to his gaze, the force behind his words something she didn’t quite understand. Or maybe she just didn’t want to understand.
He seemed so sincere, but she’d thought that too when he’d come to her, swearing he’d take care of Marcella and ensure she got Gavril back.
She crossed her arms. “You still haven’t answered my question, and I have more than answered yours. Why, when you know all of that to be true, would you propose to me?”
Nikias didn’t answer. He turned away from her, using one hand to block his face as he stared up at the night sky. If he was hoping the stars would give him a way to explain his insanity, they were going to be waiting a long time.
Finally, he turned back, and she didn’t know why he’d hidden his face. She’d seen statues more expressive than him. She never knew what he was thinking behind his cold stone exterior.
“You…” Nikias’ voice seemed slightly strained. “You make the most sense.”
In what world?
“There are still two female commanders from your own class who aren’t married.” Aimilia gestured, hand falling and smacking her leg as she dropped it. “Two commanders who weren’t supposed to marry your younger brother.”
Nikias stepped forward. “That is precisely why you make the most sense.”
“What?”
“Gavril was supposed to propose to you. The two of you had an understanding, and even if he had the best reason in the world to break it, he did. It was dishonorable. He injured you, and don’t pretend now that you’ve begun to move on that Gavril didn’t break your heart and humiliate you in the eyes of the court.
” Nikias pointed at her, but she spotted the slight shake in it even as his words grabbed at wounds she’d bandaged again and again and exposed them once more.
“You claim that you’re proposing to me as—as a matter of honor? You decided to propose to me because Gavril didn’t?” Aimilia’s voice pitched up. “Like I’m your responsibility? That’s what this was about? To you, I’m some kind of mess Gavril left for you to clean up?”
He clenched his hand into a fist, but it still hovered between them as he shifted. “Do not twist my words.”
“Then what’s the alternative explanation?”
Nikias’ mouth snapped shut, hand pulling back for a moment before he continued, “You are a skilled Runai and commander, of that there is no dispute. You placed first in your class, a feat no female Runai achieved in my class or in the class between ours.”
She rolled her eyes. “You placed first in your class.”
Nikias’ arms shifted, spreading wider until they were outstretched and leaving him open as he raised an eyebrow. When she didn’t respond, he scoffed and dropped his hands to his sides. She’d never seen him so animated, well, only when he was losing his mind.
Which he still might be. He could have just gotten better at hiding it.
He pressed on regardless, saying, “You have a personality and temperament well suited to be queen, otherwise I wouldn’t have let you within five feet of Gavril, especially when I planned for him to be my heir.”
“What?” Aimilia sputtered. “You don’t think that! You’ve never thought that!”
“Clearly, you have no idea what I’ve been thinking.
You have proven it time and time again; don’t think I wasn’t paying attention.
Although you often make it hard to remember since you seem to think being difficult is the same thing as being charming.
” He shook his head slightly before catching her gaze again.
“Most recently, you sealed my respect for you the moment you stood up and volunteered when Hypatia called for a sacrifice. I knew then you were a woman who would do what’s best for our country no matter the personal cost.”
Aimilia did everything she could not to think about that day. She wrapped arms around her stomach and bit her tongue so hard she could taste blood. He could never know why she’d stood up that day. Not truly.
Or how much it haunted her that she’d sat down at his command and let him sacrifice himself instead.
“I didn’t do it to earn your respect.”
“I know.” He took a soft step toward her. “You did it for Gavril and our country. Do you think I’m a fool? Gavril’s idealism would never have persisted if he didn’t have someone by his side who entertained it. You didn’t let it show, but I know you wanted peace too.”
The hot metallic taste flooded her tongue and she swallowed it like she swallowed her guilt. Nikias had taken from her the chance to pay for her treason. Instead, he let the demon who killed the love of his life torture him, which Aimilia had set into motion.
It was all her fault. And he couldn’t know.
“Given all of that, and the fact that it’s clear House Mitis will soon need a commander to take over, and the odds aren’t in your favor, this is what makes sense.
” Nikias gestured again, palm flat toward her.
“Being queen suits you far more. Logically, there is no other choice but you. Not to mention your regard for me being evident and how obvious I have—”
Aimilia failed to hold back her laugh this time, cutting him off as she grabbed her stomach. “My regard for you? In what world do I feel anything for you but hatred? Even at our best, I have only been able to look past my hatred of you enough to tolerate you for Gavril’s sake.”
Nikias’ fingers brushed the edge of his cloak again, jaw clenching at Gavril’s name. “Your actions imply otherwise, even if you’re currently denying it with your lips.”
“You’re delusional.” Aimilia shook her head, shifting back. “I have done nothing whatsoever that could lead you or anyone to think such a thing.”
“The last few months since we’ve returned you’ve treated me far better than you ever have before. You mean to tell me you think there is no difference in how you treat me now than when we were younger, just throwing insults at each other as we passed by?”
“I—” Aimilia sputtered, lifting her hand. “Just because I’m not insulting you doesn’t mean I have any affection for you.”
“All that time we spent working together last year meant nothing to you?” His gaze darkened and he came ever closer.
“What about the way you grabbed my arm in an attempt to steady me when we faced Hypatia? How you took care of my cloak and returned it to me and when you did, the sight of me brought you to tears? You regularly sob over men you hate being in agony?”
He had been reading her guilty conscience as being in love with him.
“I did what was necessary to get us all through that negotiation. If that meant being nice to you, I swallowed my objections and hatred just long enough for the task. No more.”
Nikias scoffed. “Then explain to me why you saved my life.”
“What are you talking about?”
“When Gavril challenged me. You knew I wouldn’t fight back.
That I would let him kill me. You brought Marcella out and had her beg for Gavril to spare my life.
You could have finally made Gavril the heir instead of me, but you didn’t.
You chose to intervene.” He took another step toward her, eyes burning. “You chose to save my life.”
Aimilia shook her head, stepping back and getting far too close to the fountain again.
But this time her voice softened. “You desperate man… I didn’t care if you lived or died.
I only wanted your life spared in order to spare Gavril’s.
If he killed you, your father would have killed him, line of succession be damned. I didn’t save you. I saved Gavril.”
Nikias stepped back, a flicker of something passing over his face before it vanished behind his marble facade. “I see.”
Oh, thank goodness. Now they could pretend this never happened and wait for the gossip to turn—
“But there’s nothing to be done about it now,” Nikias said. “We’ve already made a spectacle, so all that’s left is to clean it up as tidily as possible.”
Where was he going with this?
“I trust that you at least see the practical reasons behind our union, and maybe if we move forward slowly—” Nikias was stepping toward her again.
He couldn’t be serious.
He was getting too close. What would he try if he reached her? But when she tried to back away, there was nowhere left to go and her body started to fall back. She let out a startled yelp, arms flying forward, but it was too late to regain her balance.
Maybe she would be put out of her misery via a cracked skull after all.
Nikias lunged forward, his hand closed around her forearm, and Aimilia grabbed his other arm with her hand, steadying herself. He pulled her toward him, grip tightening on her arm.
His hands on her burned. The scars left from his religo lines were rough against her skin. His love for Faustina was branded into him even in her death.
Practical. All he wanted was practical. Of course he did. After loving Faustina the way he had, he would never have any room in his heart left for another woman. And after the way she’d loved Gavril, of course he would assume she was like him and practical was all she could hope for now.
“Aimilia? Are you—” His voice died when her grip on him tightened as she got her feet steady under her and looked up at him, fire burning in her eyes.
“If you think I’m changing my answer, then you’ve truly lost what little sanity you had left.
Let me make myself as clear as I can possibly be.
I am not marrying you. Not today. Not tomorrow.
Not ever.” Aimilia ripped herself out of his grip.
“I don’t care how logical you think it is.
You are the last man I would ever willingly call my husband.
I pity the next woman you’ll set your sights on and try to argue your way into marrying, but since your biggest concern in taking a wife is just having a woman to give you heirs, I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone who is willing.
Now, finally, we are on the same page. Good night. ”
Aimilia moved past him, ducking out of his range of reach, but he didn’t move. Even as she paused at the peristyle to go back into the palace and looked back, he hadn’t moved. He was as still as a statue; the only indication he was real was the slight breeze ruffling his cloak and hair.
Even if she miraculously woke up one day and ceased despising him with every inch of her being, she could never marry him with her treason hanging over her head. She would never willingly marry a man who would always be in love with a ghost.
Aimilia would not be anyone’s second choice.
Especially not Nikias’.