Chapter 60
NIKIAS
Nikias stayed on that tower, the hours ticking by. At some point he moved from gripping the railing to sitting beside it. All he could do was stare out into the darkness.
Nikias was no stranger to mistakes. He had made plenty the last few years.
This, however…
Maybe this was the one he didn’t come back from. There were only so many times Aimilia could forgive him, and he didn’t see any path forward where she did.
His crime this time had been too great. He’d let his jealousy and desperation get the better of him. She’d figured him out so quickly, and he had no defense. He couldn’t justify his actions.
He’d completely intended on Turpis seeing them and proving, in the end, she would be his. But all he’d done was ensure she never would be.
His selfishness had cost him everything. He’d let his dark and desperate parts take over again when he swore he never would.
He didn’t deserve Aimilia.
And yet… Nikias still wanted to fix it. However, he had no idea how.
She hadn’t said it back.
Finally, when dawn broke, Nikias left the balcony. He made his way down to the ground below, and in the early morning light, he got on his hands and knees and he dug through the dirt until he found his name. He pulled the necklace out of the ground and used his thumb to brush the dirt off of it.
Aimilia didn’t love him.
How could he blame her?
The scar on his chest burned. But he also couldn’t just leave the necklace lying there. Nikias made it back to his room, not even bothering to change his clothes. He didn’t care that he was filthy.
He was so tired.
He was so tired of trying to change the future. He was so tired of trying to be anything but what he was.
Nikias had made such a mess of this from start to finish. He had been so close, but he just couldn’t get out of his own way. Or maybe this was simply what had been called fate to him once.
At some point he fell asleep, evidenced only by the fact that he woke up to harsh midday light. As he slowly pulled himself out of bed and started to clean himself up, the scar over his heart burned. Maybe it was true. Maybe it didn’t matter what he did. Aimilia hadn’t said it back.
Nikias paused as he pulled out a fresh chiton, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror.
Inamatus stared back at him.
Nikias wouldn’t run from it any longer. He’d failed.
It had been proven beyond all doubt.
Nikias was simply unlovable.
Nikias saw her briefly, after he’d cleaned himself up and couldn’t ignore his hunger any longer. She spotted him the second he entered the dining hall, eyes going wide before filling with fury, and then she was gone, running away from him.
Of course she would.
She couldn’t be certain he wouldn’t try again. That he wouldn’t lie to her again. That he wouldn’t orchestrate everything according to his plans again.
He earned every scrap of hatred she had to feel for him. That brief glimpse of her, though had struck a chord in him.
He’d seen her look like that before. The memory of those days was vivid in his mind. The days that he’d been in love with Aimilia in painful silence and while Gavril broke her heart coming back with Marcella. He’d never seen Aimilia as distraught and devastated as then, until now.
He’d done that.
He couldn’t blame Gavril this time. Nikias was the source of her misery. And the scar on his chest burned even after Aimilia was long gone from his sight.
Nikias might be unlovable, and yet he loved Aimilia still.
Seeing her so miserable back then had been killing him. Watching her heart break over Gavril had stoked his jealousy into a raging fire that had been matched only by his grief and need for revenge.
And now it hadn’t mattered how much he had claimed he didn’t want to go to such a dark place again, he had.
Nikias had spent all night and all day thinking about it, but he saw only one path forward.
There was only one way to fix what he had done.
The necklaces sat heavy in Nikias’ pocket. He was going to have to let Aimilia go.
If Nikias truly loved her, he would give up his pursuit.
Her happiness mattered more to him than anything else. He could never be the one who made her happy. He would never be someone she could love.
Nikias had made his own fate, and it was time to accept it. Nikias was resolved, and nothing was going to shake him. He left the dining hall himself when he saw Turpis walk in, a dark, vengeful look in his eyes. Just looking at him had Nikias’ stomach turning with guilt and jealousy.
Nikias accepted Aimilia would never be his, but she at least deserved to be with someone she loved and who loved her back. That certainly wasn’t Turpis.
He hoped Aimilia would see that too.
Nikias couldn’t avoid it much longer. With the next trial in the morning, and considering what his mother had attempted last time, Nikias needed to at least see where she was. He wouldn’t let any harm come to Aimilia.
Nikias knocked on her door and called out, “Mother? I have the latest report from my men. I thought you might like an update.”
The door swung open, and his mother gave him a cold smile. “Of course, son, come in.”
Nikias stepped into her room. House Mitis had not spared their best for the queen.
She shut the door behind Nikias, and his heart jolted the way it always did when he was alone with her. He still had a few bruises he was hiding. She said, “What have you heard?”
Nikias said, “As of right now, there haven’t been any other Stonai spotted, other than the ones Aimilia and I encountered on the road. If it was that same group, they haven’t been seen since.”
His mother lifted her chin and said, “Well, clearly it was them, whether they’ve been spotted or not. The quality of our Runai these days. They ought to have caught them by now. You would have never seen this kind of thing in my day.”
Nikias really wasn’t in the mood to continue the charade, but confronting her about the truth wouldn’t do any good either.
Nikias had gotten himself into this mess because he hadn’t listened to Aimilia, so she’d turned to Turpis instead of him. If his mother was committed to this, Nikias needed to find out, if he was going to keep Aimilia safe. “I’m not pleased either. I don’t like the possibilities.”
Mother asked, “You don’t still think they’re around and that they’ll try again?”
“Considering we have one commander already dead and one that came close to it, I’d rather be safe than sorry.”
“What do you have in mind?”
Nikias said, “Considering the last trial is a race, I and my men will be doing a sweep of the course to ensure there are no unexpected surprises. In addition, I’ll be placing guards along the course with the judges so if any of the Stonai are still around, they won’t get anywhere close to Aimilia—or the others. ”
His mother stiffened, almost imperceptibly, but Nikias had spent a long time reading her.
It was a skill that had often saved him, but it didn’t always.
“You plan on riding out to do this yourself? I hardly think that’s wise.
Look at the state you’re in. You look like you’re about to collapse right now. ”
Nikias’ jaw clenched. “I haven’t been sleeping well. That’s all.”
“If you haven’t been sleeping, then you should stay in tonight and rest. I can handle directing the guards.”
Nikias wasn’t surprised. He wasn’t even vaguely disappointed. All he felt was numb even at the clear confirmation from his mother that she had laid some sort of a trap for Aimilia.
Would it do him any good to confront her about it?
He said, “I appreciate the offer, but that’s not your responsibility.”
His mother raised an eyebrow. “Do you not recall that I’m just as capable a commander as you?
I can handle this. In fact, I insist upon it.
As your mother, it’s my job to look out for your wellbeing.
With the state you’re in, you’d fall off your horse, and then how much worse would the gossip be about you? ”
Nikias bit out, “I don’t care what the gossip is saying about me. I’ve never cared.”
She crossed her arms. “Fine. If you insist, then I suppose we might as well talk about this now too. All of this has gone on long enough. There hasn’t been a greater laughingstock to the royal family than you.
No wonder Stonai have attacked. Clearly, even they have heard how weak and pathetic you’ve been acting. I raised you better than this.”
Nikias turned his head and glanced toward the window. “I can’t control what other people say or how they perceive my actions.”
“Yes, but you can control your actions. And your actions as of late…” Mother scoffed.
“Most of our people think you’re desperate and weak, and that’s why you keep chasing after that wretched girl, especially after her work in the arena collapse.
They all think you want her because she’ll make you look strong again, but chasing after her has only made you look even more pathetic that you can’t get her to marry you. ”
Nikias closed his eyes as his mother’s words clawed at him, throat closing and skin crawling with heat. Turpis’ words rose up, whispering in the back of his mind, confirming his mother’s claims.
“More of our people don’t know what to make of you at all.
They know of your proposal and of her refusal.
What’s baffling is the fact that you continue to be in her presence.
And even more concerning are the rumors I’ve been hearing about the two of you.
She spent the night in your tent and was there until dawn.
Not to mention all the clandestine meetings the two of you have had before.
It makes no sense why she would publicly refuse you when she carries on with you the way she does.
She can’t be holding out for your brother, so it doesn’t make sense why she would rather be a she-wolf than your wife. ”