24. WHAT WAS LOST FOREVER.
Chapter twenty-four
WHAT WAS LOST FOREVER.
Opening her eyes, and for the first time in days, Emeriel felt… well. More than well, actually.
The persistent headache was gone, the fever and chills vanished, and the swelling faded as if it had never been.
“How do you feel?”
Her eyes found Aekeira seated beside her, exhaustion mingled with relief in her eyes.
“Aekeira…” Emeriel’s voice was a rasp.
“You had everyone worried sick,” Aekeira said. “For a moment there, we were starting to fear the worst.”
“For a moment there, I thought the worst.” Emeriel tried to push herself up with a grunt of effort A sharp pain shooting through her abdomen, and she winced.
Aekeira quickly leaned forward, helping her into a more comfortable position, adjusting the pillows behind her back.
“How long has it been?”
“Five days.”
Emeriel let out a slow breath. “Five days… That long, huh.”
“I’m so relieved to see you alright.” Aekeira’s smile was strained. “You really scared me.”
Emeriel noticed her sister’s hands twitching, knuckles flexing. Aekeira wanted to reach out, to hold her, to be sure she was real, but it was clear she was holding back.
These past few years hadn’t been easy on them. Emeriel, in her own pain, had distanced herself from everyone—even the one person whose touch had always brought her the greatest comfort.
So, she reached out first, placing a hand on Aekeira’s arm. “I’m sorry I scared you, Keira.”
Aekeira was on her in an instant, wrapping her in a tight hug.
Home, home, home. The feeling hit Emeriel so hard, stealing her breath.
Longing surged through her, raw and powerful, so much so that she bit her lip to keep from breaking down. Clenched her fists by her sides to keep from returning the hug, taking shallow breaths to rein in the avalanche of emotion, willing it to stay buried.
“Don’t ever do that again,” Aekeira scolded, her body trembling. “How could you let yourself be hit by an arrow? You’re usually so quick to deflect them! How could you let this one strike you?”
“Oh, yes, I saw it coming and thought I’d stand there with my arms wide open, rejoicing as it tore through my belly,” Emeriel said in a dry tone.
Her sister huffed. Pulling back, she gave Emeriel a reproachful look. “So you still have a sense of humor. That's good to know.”
Emeriel grunted in response.
“How did I survive that?” she wondered aloud. “I smelled that poison. It was one of those rare, deadly ones. I think it was shezie . Smelled like it.” She looked down at their intertwined hands, her brow furrowed. “For a moment there, I was sure I saw the white lights and the train to the otherworld.”
“Not even remotely amusing.” Aekeira settled back into her seat, taking Emeriel's hand once more. “Your man saved you.”
Emeriel had suspected as much. But… how?
No one has a shezie antidote readily at hand, not unless they’re a mage.
“He sucked the poison out of you, pulled it into his own body. Lord Vladya said he recited spells that made it possible,” Aekeira revealed softly.
Emeriel went still. What?
Pulling her hand free from Aekeira’s, she lifted her garment and looked down at the spot where the wound had been.
Nearly healed, there was no swelling, no darkened veins, no lingering trace of the poison.
Emeriel glanced at her sister, mouth opening and closing, but no words came out.
But why… why would he do this?
“Every single moment, he was here, watching over you, caring for you." Aekeira’s voice was touched with wonder. "Even while he suffered, while the poison ate through his organs…”
Emeriel's hands spasmed, gripping her garments tighter. He took my poison…?
“He’s only away now because of a critical meeting regarding the new project to draw water for the crops. He missed countless duties because he refused to leave your side, Em.”
“But why…?” Emeriel’s voice was barely a whisper. “Our bond is gone. There’s nothing forcing him to do this.”
“I don’t think this is about the bond anymore,” Aekeira said, looking certain and equally amazed. “I think he genuinely cares about you. He took the poison into himself, bore the pain for days . The antidote only arrived yesterday.” Shaking her head, she added. “You would have died.”
Emeriel's mind was spinning. She couldn’t comprehend the depth of his sacrifice. Or why he would do it for her .
And he wasn’t fully recovered from his illness.
Emeriel swallowed the tight knot in her throat. “Do they know who was responsible?”
“His bloodhost.” Aekeira’s eyes turned fierce. “That damned mistress, I don’t know why she hates you so much.”
Of course. Why am I not surprised?
Emeriel’s eyes narrowed. “That foolish woman.”
“The grand king investigated it himself.” Her sister’s expression softened. “When no one else could find a clue, somehow, he did. He nearly lost his mind that night… all because of you.”
Emeriel’s heart fluttered. An erratic, vulnerable beat.
“Did you patch things up with him?” Aekeira’s voice was gentle, but Emeriel stared blankly ahead, saying nothing.
“Em…”
“I’m terrified to,” she finally admitted.
Her sister looked at her, pity visible in her eyes.
“I want to hear him, to know what he has to say,” Emeriel confessed aloud for the first time. “But I’m terrified out of my mind, Aekeira.” Her eyes traced the uneven, faded lines of dirt marring the wall. “What if he says the wrong thing? What if it’s pity, or he’s only trying to ease his guilt? What if he’s just being friendly, with no plans of a future for us?" Another tight swallow. "What if he’s doing all this because he feels he owes me something for coming back here to save him? What if he’s being nice and sweet simply to return a favor, nothing more?”
“Too many ‘what ifs,’ my darling sister,” Aekeira reprimanded quietly.
Emeriel exhaled, her gaze dropping to the nearly healed wound. “What if he does say the right things?” Her voice was filled with trepidation. “I'm terrified to walk the path of love again, Aekeira. I’ve been there, and it’s heart-wrenching. I feel too much for him. If I let those feelings out again, and he decides we have no future again, I’ll never recover a second time.”
“Oh, Em…”
“Don’t call me that,” she grumbled.
“Living this way isn't truly living, Em,” Aekeira said, ignoring her disapproval. “Yes, those protective walls shield you from pain, from all the harshness of the world, but they keep you from happiness, from truly living. From taking a chance.”
Emeriel folded her arms. “And is that what you’re doing? Taking a chance again, after everything Lord Vladya put you through?”
Aekeira pursed her lips.
“Don’t think I didn’t notice the pain you endured, how deeply he wounded you. I was the one who listened to you cry, night after night, because of him. When you thought everyone was asleep, you’d sob into your pillow until dawn.”
Aekeira lowered her eyes. “It wasn’t easy to let go,” she admitted, her voice quiet. “But when faced with the choice between giving us a chance or living every day half-dead inside, I chose to take that chance.”
“Even though he’s half-mad and soulless?” Emeriel’s voice held an edge.
Aekeira’s lips lifted in a soft smile. “Even then.” She looked up at Emeriel, her eyes bright. “And you know what, Em?”
Don’t call me— Sigh. “What?”
“These past few weeks with him have been the happiest of my life.” Aekeira’s eyes sparkled, a dreamy look on her face. “I’ve never felt more alive. More fulfilled.”
Utterly disgusting. Utterly adorable.
“Give the grand king a chance,” Aekeira urged her. “Listen to him. Then decide what you want to do. Running away is not really the answer. The Emeriel I once knew understood that.”
“I’m not sure I want to be that Emeriel anymore. That girl let her heart lead… and look at the bottomless pit she fell into. Now, I only follow my head.”
Aekeira went silent.
Finally, she said, “And there’s nothing wrong with that.” Rising to her feet, she added, “I’ll go fetch Madam Livia—she needs to know you’re awake.”
Emeriel nodded, watching as her sister walked toward the door.
But Aekeira paused, turning back, her hand resting on the doorknob.
“Maybe you don’t have to be that girl anymore,” she said quietly, “but you can’t lose her completely, Em. Because that girl survived hell. She endured slavery, the hell of sleeping with a beast. Faced the agony of heat and its recovery, of shouldering a crushing secret, and still lived through being severed from her soulmate. She went through all of that, and she… survived .”
Emeriel’s chest tightened hard. She looked away, her sister’s words hanging in the air.
“That girl was the best part of you,” Aekeira added. “She was the strongest part. The bravest. She’s everything that made you, you . Maybe you don’t have to be her entirely anymore, but you can still carry her with you. Because she balanced you out. It’s alright to let your head lead… just give your heart a chance to follow, too.”
Stop, please. Emeriel stared down at her hands. They were shaking.
“I love you, Em.” Her sister opened the door, offering a small, sad smile. “I will always love you, no matter who you are.”
Long after she left, Emeriel whispered into the quiet, “I love you too, Keira.”
***
TWO YEARS AGO
Three months after returning from Urai.
Emeriel woke to a splitting headache and an even sharper ache in her stomach.
Sunlight streamed through the window, assaulting her sensitive eyes, but she had neither the strength nor the will to rise and close the curtains. Instead, she threw a pillow over her face, shutting out the world.
Another day dawned.
Another day to hope for her Beloved's return, to pray he would come and take her back.
She didn’t care if she had to return as his slave; Emeriel was ready to serve him for the rest of her life. She would accept any crumb of affection he could give her, if only he would come for her.
"I'll be a good girl, I promise," she mumbled hoarsely, her eyes too dry, too exhausted to summon tears.
Another day to wish for death.
Outside her door, voices filtered through.
“She was half-dead, severely dehydrated,” Prince Daviel snapped. “If our men hadn’t found her when they did, she would be gone by now.”
“And I ask again, for the thousandth time, what is going on here, Aekeira?” King Orestus's voice boomed, laced with irritation. “Why on earth would your sister even attempt to journey back to that savage kingdom that enslaved her?”
Only Aekeira’s muffled sobs answered him.
“Motherfucker!” the king cursed. “When will either of you speak to me!? What the hell is wrong with both of you? It’s as if those beasts sent two strangers back to me! You’re both either crying, locked away in your rooms, moping, not eating, or crying even more.”
Emeriel groaned. Her head was pounding too hard for this.
Go away. Just leave me alone! She wanted to scream, but she was too tired to muster the strength to shout.
And her stomach… it was on fire.
Blessedly, she drifted back into sleep.
A sudden, piercing pain ripped through her, jolting her awake. What the…
Another one followed, sharper and more excruciating, Emeriel doubled over, a strangled cry tearing from her throat.
Struggling to her feet, she clutched her belly as she staggered to the lavatory, desperate to relieve herself.
But when she pulled down her drawers, there was… blood. So much blood.
It soaked the fabric, trailing down her legs.
She stared, horrified. Bewildered.
Crying through another vicious cramp, she wondered what the hell was going on. She hadn't had her menstrual cycle in over a year!
Gripping her garment so hard, her knuckles turned white, her breath coming in ragged gasps. Gods, my stomach really, really hurts.
Could it be…?
“No, no, it cannot be,” she choked, shaking out of her body, “I can’t be… I can't be p-pregnant."
Blood trailed like a painter's careless brushstroke, staining everywhere it touched.
“I ca-an’t be pregnant!" Covering her face with her hands, Emeriel screamed in denial. “They said it wasn't possible! They said it t-took time!! I can't… I can't," she sobbed. "I can’t be losing my ch-child.”
Her knees gave way, and she fell like a rag to the ground, bawling like never before.
The slight distension of her belly was not bloating from malnutrition; she was with child.
Right there, in the lavatory, Emeriel's heart broke all over again.
With every trail of blood down her thighs, every stab of searing pain in her belly, Emeriel knew, with a growing, soul-shattering certainty, that a soul was leaving her body. Her child was leaving.
And there was nothing she could do to stop it.
***
THE PRESENT
Seated on the bed, Emeriel shook uncontrollably in the stillness of the night. Her uneven loud breaths echoed in the silence of her chambers as she rocked herself back and forth, her arms wrapped tightly around her knees.
None of the grand rulers had returned from the ancestral shrine.
Why do you do this to yourself? Why revisit the most painful memory of your life?
But she knew why this particular memory had broken free from its chains. The intimate conversation with King Daemonikai about children.
“If you can give me a child, Riel, I will lay the entire world at your feet.”
Her trembling worsened, teeth clattering. If only he knew… if only he knew how close they had come.
We agreed to bury it, didn’t we? To leave it in the past and live as if it never happened?
That’s how she had lived.
Going through each day as if she were whole, as if she weren’t splintered inside. As if she hadn’t lost the most precious gift the gods could ever give her.
Losing her child had forced her to grow past the pain of their severed bond, beyond the heartbreak that had nearly destroyed her.
It had forced her to become stronger, to bury the old Em, the one who had known innocence and hope.
After all, If I hadn’t been so weak, I wouldn’t have lost my child.
Who would have imagined it, that she’d conceive from her first full heat? And who would have thought she would lose it the way she did?
“You’re alright. You’re alright,” she whispered, rocking herself. If only the movement would stoke some warmth in her soul.
But no one knew. Not even Aekeira.
It was a secret Emeriel would carry to her grave.
How could she ever tell him, a male who so desperately desired children, who had suffered the loss of his two children, that she had carried his third, only to lose it due to their incompetence?
He would never forgive himself… just as she had never forgiven herself.
So, this burden was hers alone to bear, even if it was killing her slowly on the inside.
No one knew why she was fighting hard to protect her heart, why she withdrew from everyone, why she was always angry. No one knew the extent of her pain. No one knew why the old Emeriel had died so the new, hardened one could live.
That girl had endured everything, survived enslavement, torment, heartbreak, the severed bond…
But she hadn’t survived the loss of her child.
And now, everything she had worked so hard to build was crumbling around her. The armor she’d forged was cracking.
Just weeks in his company, and all the feelings she had buried were clawing their way back to life .
For five long days, he had borne the pain of venom inside him while it destroyed his organs, all in an effort to save her life. Just the thought of it made her dead heart leap with hope.
The bond wasn't even active, yet she was falling for him all over again.
All over again? Her inner voice snorted. Did you ever truly fall out of love with him?
Emeriel was… terrified.
For Aekeira, it was easy to preach, easy to say, "Give your heart a chance."
But Aekeira hadn’t stood in that cold lavatory, helplessly watching her child slip away in a pool of blood.
She hadn’t spent these last two lonely years, torn apart by the memories of a life that never had the chance to bloom.
No, it wasn’t Aekeira who had to live with the misery, the gaping wound that never healed.
Her sister hadn’t stayed up countless nights wondering what her child might have looked like, how they might have grown. Who they would have become.
Whether her child would have been a strong, handsome boy or a beautiful, radiant little girl.
Would their eyes have been a piercing green like their father’s, or the deep blue of her own?
Emeriel stared ahead blankly, quake after quake, raking her body.