18. What rhymes with love?
Nevaeh
I never would’ve taken that bullet for Hazel if I knew this would happen.
Just after Angel disappeared to have his secret talk with Harvey, Hazel barged into my room. She waited until I took a shower then forced me to rest in Anxo's room. She even had Grace to put my little boy to bed, who was more than happy to take over bedtime duties.
I wasn't enjoying this generous version of Hazel, and unfortunately, my freedom meant promising her that I would leave the sniper incident alone and wouldn't pester her or Angel for more details.
But when the siren fluffed my pillow, I had to stop her.
After drowning me in blankets up to my chin, she reluctantly left me alone—more like ran out when my eyes flashed gold.
Even my Divine thought she was being weird.
Sharky has some serious issues owing people. A couple of snacks and a reluctant smile would’ve sufficed, instead, the siren chose to steal my baby on a night I needed his help to stay sane.
His presence would’ve helped me keep the tsunami in my head bottled up until there weren’t so many eyes following my every move.
Don’t get me wrong, as surprised as I am to be on the receiving end of Hazel’s rare affection, I don’t have it in me to not act like a ticking time bomb tonight.
The mere thought of accidentally falling asleep and seeing that dungeon again has my anxiety shooting to the roof.
Staying in a safe place among people I trust made it easy to convince myself that I was not haunted by my past anymore. But a single confrontation was enough to remind me that I’m not invincible. That my past might be behind me, but I still carry the parts they broke.
Facing a small part of my past has triggered the part of my brain that doesn’t understand how to separate my memories from my present. My fears from my reality. The blood I lost from the blood I drew.
But I can’t knock on that door tonight. Opening the smallest window to my past could crumble my sanity—which I’m barely holding on to as it is.
The tremor in my hands worsen as the flashes start taking over my vision. I focus on breathing and shoving down the bile of nightmare crawling up my throat. You’ve been holding on perfectly fine the entire day, Nevaeh. Don’t let yourself slip now.
‘Think you can hide from me?’
My breathing picks up at her voice echoing in my head. Why can’t she leave me alone?
It’s been two months, Nevaeh, why can’t you be normal like everyone else? Why do you still have to keep yourself from spiraling every single night?
When Anxo knocks on the door before entering, I shove my hands under the covers, clutching the material tightly.
“You feel any better, sweetheart?” His worry breaks through my panic, and I’m glad it did before Visha dragged me deeper into her tricks.
“I’m fine.” I clear my throat when my voice shakes. I’m not sure how to act put together when my insides are being clawed with terror.
“No, you're not, you're shivering. I'll go grab another blanket for you.”
Angel moves to leave, but I stop him quickly. “No! I mean… I’m good. No more blankets needed.” I nod my head urgently to prove I'm okay but Anxo keeps looking at me strangely, noticing my odd behavior.
“You don’t look so good, baby. Wait here, I’ll make you something warm and light. How do you feel about soup?”
He can’t leave. I have to stop him, but my voice is stuck in my throat. An invisible hand made of my fear of being alone in this room chokes me, paralyzing my muscles until I’m useless against my own brain attacking me.
‘You’re all alone now, little girl. No one’s coming to help.’
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!
“I know it’s not your usual time to eat but humor me tonight. I’ll be right back—” Anxo turns his back to me, ready to leave.
“No! You d-don’t have to… have to go… s-stay plea-please.” I’m struggling to take my next breath.
There’s no more hiding the fear in my voice or the way my throat is closing up. I don’t want him to see me like this, but I can’t help the shiver of panic running through me at the thought of being left alone.
Alone with my thoughts and her .
“Nevaeh? What’s wrong, sweetheart? You’ve gone pale.” Anxo rushes to my side immediately.
His hand reaches to touch my face, but I flinch without meaning, and Angel staggers back. The more he steps back so I don’t panic, the more I hyperventilate. If this keeps up, my Divine will take over, and I’ll seriously hurt everyone around me.
There was a reason my chains remained untouched for a decade.
I can’t do that again. The blood, the hearts I ripped out… I’m not doing that again. Not for them to laugh at my face as I beg them to stop.
I can see Anxo’s lips moving, but the ringing in my head is louder than his voice, making it difficult to focus on anything but the constant throbbing. My breathing is tattered, and I’m heaving, trying to fill my lungs, but it’s not working .
When I don’t respond, Angel grips his hair desperately, trying not to reach out for me again.
“Nevaeh!” The way he growls my name successfully snaps me out of my head long enough to catch his eyes.
Scratching my throat, I look up at Anxo, and the tears I’ve been trying to hold hostage finally escape, filling the room with my broken wails.
Nausea crawls up to my throat as I squeeze my lips to stop the bile. Curling into a ball, I press a hand over my ear and push my face against the mattress to block out the noise in my head.
Angel paces the length of his bed, waiting for me to let him approach, but I can’t talk... so I do the one thing I can. Anxo never fails to read me. He can always figure out what I want by just looking at me, and I’m hoping his witchcraft will help me now. Looking up, my eyes search his, and within a second, he's next to me.
Swiftly picking up my curled frame, he cradles me on his lap. I cry out because every part of my body feels like a truck ran over me.
Angel guides the back of my head to bury in his neck, and that’s when I break. Circling my hands around his waist, I let the broken sobs escape me. My wails are loud enough to soak our walls with my pain. Crying on his shoulder, my body trembles, but I clutch onto him with my life.
The scariest part is I’m aware that there is nothing to fear anymore. No matter who’s chasing me, I have people to watch my back now. But who’s going to tell the 9-year-old in me that I don’t have to hide in a corner anymore? All that little girl knows is to hide and make no sound, no matter how hard the hits are, hoping they’ll stop.
I’ve grown up muffling my screams until one day, the only place my cries felt safe was inside my head.
With my mate’s arms around me and the buzz of his Divine creating a bubble around us, I know I can be as loud as I want without fearing the next hit will be harder.
Angel covers me with his thick duvet, thinking my shivers are from the cold, and slips a hand under my shirt to rub my bare back in soothing circles.
I can barely regulate my breathing, but I don’t stop begging him not to leave me between my broken cries. Angel keeps kissing me, reminding me he is right here and to breathe before I pass out.
I soak in the feeling of his kisses on my head, his comforting words in my ear, and his fingers in my hair, replacing my memories with this moment. The way Angel clears his throat and his voice wobbles tells me I’m scaring him.
As he sways us, Anxo keeps talking to me, hoping something will bring me out of my head.
“Nevaeh, I need to know what triggered this.”
“Please don’t leave,” I croak out my desperate plea.
“Shhh, I’m never leaving, baby. Come on, focus on my heartbeat. Take a deep breath for me, yeah?” I mimic him taking deep breaths when his chest moves with my head resting over his heart. “That's it. Keep breathing for me sweetheart. You’re doing so good.”
I know my effort is not perfect, but his encouraging whispers and how he holds my face against his heart help drain the panic from me slowly.
Nuzzling my face in his neck, I tense when Angel tries to pry me off of him. He shushes me by gently swaying us side to side. Taking my hands in his, he guides them around the band of his sweatpants before leaning back.
It’s less than five seconds, but that’s enough for my tears to return and panic to grip my throat.
In one swift motion, Anxo pulls off his forest green hoodie and pulls it over my head before letting me erase the wretched gap between us.
Wiping the fresh tears with his palm that covers half my face, he lets me rub my face against his bare chest like a cat. I calm down considerably faster with his scent surrounding me and being able to touch his his skin.
We stay like that for what seems like hours before my eyes feel too heavy to remain open.
“You’ll be here when I wake up, right?”
I’m not ready to let him go, and I don’t want to fall asleep only to wake up disoriented and without him.
“I’ll always be here.”
Anxo slides down the bed with me still on top of him and his arms around my waist. His fingers playing with my hair lull me closer to sleep, and I completely relax on top of him, not caring about him bearing my weight.
He smells irresistible, and I have this insistent urge to bite his neck, but I settle for a kiss instead, which makes him hold me tighter and squish me to him.
I want to be squished like this forever.
“Got to sleep, sweetheart. I've got you.” His chin rests on my head, and his hand softly rubs my back under his hoodie.
In my sleepy haze, I let my deepest fear slip. “Will you hide me if they come back?”
“I’ll burn them to the ground for you.”
The conviction in his voice is my anxiety breaker. I know as long as I have him by my side, I’ll be okay.
“My Angel.”
I kiss his neck before letting myself get dragged deeper into the darkness without fear of what might be hiding behind it.
Before I completely fall asleep, I hear him softly murmur something that sounded a lot like love and kiss the tip of my nose, but I don't remember the words when I wake up.