19. Adding names to my shit list
Nevaeh
I watch Angel stride toward me, and before I know it, I’m thrown over his shoulder in one smooth move.
With my stomach pressed against his back, I shiver when he kisses my hip and starts walking like I’m not dangling from his shoulder like a rag doll.
Swatting his bum, I ask, “Uh, what do you think you’re doing?”
“Taking you on a date.”
“And making all my blood rush to my brain is part of it?” Angel snickers but doesn’t put me down until we’re on the roof.
When he turns to a hidden corner, I see a set of stairs someone could easily pass by without noticing. I expect Anxo to put me down, but he continues on the stairs to a smaller roof.
Once my feet are on solid ground and the world stops spinning, it’s impossible to tear my eyes from the sky above me. I’m not particularly fond of humans, their realm, or their existence in general, but I can’t say the same for their sky. The night above me is littered with thousands of twinkling stars and half a moon peeking from behind an odd-shaped cloud.
That one looks like a man with a horn.
When Angel clears his throat, I shift my attention to my very own miracle instead of the one above me, and my jaw goes slack.
A comfy mattress lies on the roof with a fluffy blanket thrown at the end. My favorite snacks are scattered on one side with a mini cooler, which I’m sure is filled with all the sugary drinks I love—the ones Angel thinks are unhealthy. Dozens of flickering candles create a perfect square around the mattress. I step closer and the invisible dome of protection ripples to let me through.
“Why?”
Angel looks at me ridiculously as if the question is the stupidest thing he’s ever heard. “You like stargazing. I thought this would make a perfect second date.” He shrugs shyly and pulls back the comforter before gesturing me to get in. “Come here, sweetheart. I’ve been itching for snuggles whole day.”
When he beckons me with that irresistible curve of his lips, it’s hard not to obey. Leaving my slippers behind, I carefully slide in next to him, making sure not to knock over any candles accidentally. Angel immediately pulls me to his side.
I told Anxo about my love for starry nights once. I n passing . And this man not only remembers it but uses that small bit of insight to do something so cute for me.
I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I won’t let that deter me from having him.
Nuzzling my face in his neck, I bite playfully so he knows I need my fill of kisses and attention. Our affection has only increased with time. Before, Anxo always had to be around me, but now he has to touch me at all times, or he throws a fit.
I love the way he craves me.
With my head on his shoulder, I look up at my second favorite view after my mate. I’ve always been comfortable with darkness, whether it’s around or within me. The dark sky above reminds me not to look at my own darkness as something that weighs me down, but what makes my stars shine that much brighter.
Angel clears his throat, stealing my attention again. The way he swallows tightly lets me know tonight is for more than just gazing at the stars.
When he breathes out, I watch the fog around his mouth float by. “I admit I have an ulterior motive for this date. There are a few things I want you to know before we go home.”
“What’s wrong?”
When I do a poor job hiding my worry, Angel is quick to reassure me. “Hey, no need to let that brain go haywire. I just thought some things about my life are best if you hear from me rather than in hushed whispers around the kingdom. I've got a few stories to tell, and they're not all fun.”
“I don’t care if they’re good or bad. When it comes to you, I want it all.” Nodding my head against him, I snuggle closer and prepare for whatever he throws at me.
His hesitance hits me at once. I feel so juvenile to think my struggles with sharing my past were only affecting me. From the day we met, Anxo has been hyper-focused on helping me heal, and I never once bothered to ask if he was okay, too. I have to be a better mate than that.
I can’t ask him to soothe my wounds and nurture my broken soul and not do the same for him.
Sighing heavily, Anxo grips my fingers on his stomach and holds me as if he’s gathering strength from my presence and lays it all out in the open.
“Growing up in Conquer was... it wasn’t the kind of environment I would want August to grow up in. Life was pretty much awful before the kingdoms merged. My parents…”
The force behind his last words tells me I won’t like my future in-laws much after tonight. “They aren’t the greatest at parenting. I was never enough... always a disappointment. Now that I’m older, I recognize the signs of emotional abuse and manipulation.”
He stops to search my face. “Sometimes it got physical. Don’t worry, it was an occasional thing. They didn’t have much time for reprimanding anyway. And then I had my growth spurt quite early compared to other kids my age, so it didn’t work for them longer.”
Rage unlike I’ve ever felt before settles in my chest. I’m explosive when I’m angry, but the anger simmering just below the surface is new to me and much wilder.
Squeezing his fingers, I count the beat of his heart to settle down. I’m harboring this rage on purpose because his parents aren’t here for me to tear them apart, but I refuse to let this go.
I have a long list of people I want bound and bleeding in my torture cell and his parents just made the list. I don’t give a fuck who they are.
Anyone who touches my mate deserves everything my fucked up head comes up with.
“Take me home, Anxo. Right now .” Before I can leave the warm mattress, he pulls me back against him, and I feel his shoulders shake.
Laughing like everything is good and dandy, my mate stops me. “Relax, my avenging goddess. There’s no need to rip out any heads. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It matters to me! They hit you, Anxo. They put their hands on my mate . I’ll rip those arms out—” Warm lips crashing over mine stop my murder rant.
Burying my fingers in his hair, I kiss him harder, hoping to lose some of my fury in his touch. Angel kisses me until I melt into him, and my muscles relax before pulling away with a goofy smile that I want to lick away.
This man loves it when I get protective over him, and I don’t know which one of us is crazier. I don’t think he understands how much I’m itching to get my hands on his folks.
“Want to hear about the time I ran away from home?”
He did what?!
“Oh yeah.... and I was just sixteen. My Divine wasn’t as strong then, so blending with the crowd and disappearing was easy. I was jumping from one realm to another with only one thought in mind. That I didn’t want to go back to that house.”
I don’t understand the faraway smile on his face when I’m barely keeping myself from tearing up. Playing with my fingers on his stomach, he keeps gazing at the dome over us. Unlike when he told me about his parents, he seems more relaxed and open .
Chuckling to himself, Angel reminisces. “No matter how much I regretted leaving behind my responsibilities, I would’ve kept running had Dean not found me.”
Moving to lay on him, I rest my chin on my knuckles and momentarily lose my train of thought when Angel's fingers softly brush my cheek.
“He wasn’t happy I hid the abuse from everyone or that I let those ‘good-for-nothing bastards’, as he called them, drive me away from home. Dean absolutely hated my mother and now he had a very good reason to do something about it. When I told him I wasn’t going back to them, Dean looked so offended that I thought he was taking me back to my parents.”
His laugh warms my stomach, and I watch his breath hitch when I kiss his chest, right where his heart is.
“You already know what happened next.”
“Uh no, I don’t. I wasn’t there, remember? So elaborate, please.”
“Smartass.” I squeal when he tickles my stomach. “I stayed with Dean after that, and not even a month later, he got my father to announce that he was stepping down. Father told the council that I was ready, that he had taught me more than enough.”
I snort, “I doubt that.”
“And you're right. I was the one running everything behind the curtains since I was eleven while my father did Fates know what with all his free time.”
“Your father didn’t fight Papa at all?”
“He didn’t want the stress or responsibility anyway. My parents wanted to travel the realms and be free of things holding them back—Including me. It worked out perfectly for them.”
Staging a whisper, I ask, “You sure you don’t want me to accidentally kill them?”
Snickering under his breath, he ignores my offer.
“That year, I took over Conquer and decided I wanted a life free of their constant taunts, so I moved into our Horsemen castle.”
Tucking a loose strand behind my ear, his forehead creases as he thinks about something hard. “You know, now that I think about it, I have a theory that your dad threatened my father to back down. He didn’t want the responsibility, but I don’t see him giving up his title just because I refused to help him out anymore.”
“Good. Remind me to thank Papa for that. You deserve the title and the respect.”
Holding my waist, he sits up so I’m straddling him with my thighs on either side of his hips. I don’t realize I’m still staring at him with my head on his shoulder until he ducks to place a chaste kiss on my lips, and I blink out of my daze.
Angel certainly knows how to face his challenges and mold them into something that makes him happy. His ability to always see the brighter side is admirable.
I could never —but I love that about him.
Cupping his warm cheek in my cold palm, I try to free myself from the trance his glistening green eyes always bind me in. “You are enough for me.” I recount what his parents made him believe, hoping I can make him see how wrong they were. “They have no idea what they’re missing out on.”
Kissing his pout twice, I lean back to look him in the eyes when I say, “You are more than enough, Angel. You’re so good to me and our little boy that it makes me want to be better too, so I can make you even half as happy as you make us.”
His hands dip under my sweatshirt, and I hate how his hands are still warm when I’m freezing, even with his warmth surrounding me.
“I’m so glad you found me that night. My real freedom wasn’t from the coven but from the fear that no one would want this damaged version of me. But you? You didn’t even blink before embracing all that I am.”
Holding my face, he brings us closer. “Don’t you dare talk about yourself like that. You’re not damaged. Far from it. You’re the strongest woman I know, Nevaeh. You’ve suffered more than anyone at your age, but you never use that as an excuse to hurt others. The fierce way you protect me and our family makes me so darn proud to be your mate.”
Blinking rapidly, I hide my face in his neck until I can deal with the lump in my throat. Why does he always have to be so nice for no reason at all?
In this silence, I think about how he makes me feel safe around him. All the ways he notices my triggers and makes sure I don’t have to face anything on my own.
I never thought I could do this, but the care he has shown me with the slow burn of his warmth spreading in my chest gives me enough courage to make up my mind. I want to tell him everything .
“Can I tell you what happened?”
Angel stiffens against me. “You don’t have to sweetheart. I know how much you want to bury it and never look back. Don’t open your scars because you think I need to see them in order to love them.”
Resting my cheek on his shoulder, I feel the wall around my heart crumble to dust.
I want him to know. I don’t want him to wonder why I can’t sleep through the night, why my balance is worse than terrible on my best days, or why he has to fuss over me not eating enough all the time.
“I want you to know why I am the way I am. It hurts to explain in pieces or to leave you guessing. For selfish reasons, I want it off my chest so I never have to repeat it. This way even if no one else does, you’ll always understand .”
Angel is considerate enough that he will prefer being clueless for his whole life than hurting me by making me repeat the worst times of my life.
Seeing my hesitation, Angel turns me around so I’m sitting between his thighs with my back against his chest. His arms hold me protectively as he nudges my head with his. “Look up, sweetheart. Watch the stars you love and let it all out. Don’t worry about anything else. Lean on me, baby . ”
The mess in my head calms down at his assurance, and I do what he said. I lean on him.
“Do you promise not to run away after I tell you everything?”
I’m joking. O nly a little bit .
“You can push me off this roof, and I’ll still find a way to come back to you.”
Just like that, he makes me forget why I was worrying in the first place. This is Angel. My mate. I can always trust him to stick by me.
Clearing my throat, I prepare to recite my horror story. Angel tightens his arms around me as if asking me if I’m ready to rehash those memories. To ease his worries, I kiss his jaw and nuzzle my cheek against his heart to steal some courage from him.
You’re not there anymore Nevaeh.
They can’t take you back.
I hold on to my Angel’s arms around my waist and start spilling. “I was kept alone in the beginning. Complete isolation. They didn’t let me see Harvey for months and stuck me in a small concrete room with no windows. Fed me maybe once a week.”
For the first time in my life, I willingly replay the memories, selecting the ones I want to share so I can sum it up without going into too many details.
“When we were kids, we were shoved around and struck occasionally but that was it. They mainly used us as the Visha’s little helpers. We cleaned her chambers, served food—things like that. As we grew up, they moved to tougher methods… l-like physical punishments, keeping us awake for days and starving us to see who would snap first. The one time I lost control… it was so bad Angel. A bloodbath. I don’t even remember most of it.”
With every word out of my mouth, Anxo gets quieter. He is holding me as if afraid that I will break if he didn't.
Angel is the only one who will ever get this piece of me. I’ve never bared my soul like this to anyone and never will. Now he'll know where my darkness comes from.
“They forced me to watch as they skinned other prisoners alive or burned them until there was nothing left. Visha thought if I knew what she could do, it would make me more compliant. It didn’t .But she loved my disobedience. It gave her a reason to show the power she held over me. Each scar on my body was a warning, a reminder that I was only alive because of her mercy.”
I stop after that because I might throw up if I give out more details. I wait to see if Angel wants to ask something, but when he doesn’t make a sound, I take a relieved breath—concluding my stay at the Royale Coven Plaza .
When hot tears drop on my neck, I lean back into my Angel and hold him to me. Cupping the side of his face, I trace my fingers in his hair and just let him feel .
I sit with him as he lets it all out. I let his pain consume him because bottling it up won't help him. I had to school my emotions and expressions for a decade in fear of making things worse for myself, so I know how exhausting it can be to keep your composure at all times.
It’s quiet for a minute. Angel stays wrapped around me, placing kisses on my neck and squeezing me to death. The neck of my— his sweatshirt is soaked with his silent tears, and my chest burns, knowing I’m the reason behind them.
“On the bright side, I survived. My life is so much better now that I have you. You’re always following me around like a guardian angel, making sure I'm safe and happy .”
Anxo finally lifts his head from my neck to turn me around in his lap. Those bewitching green eyes are puffy and red, lips pursed in an adorable pout.
His protective hold doesn’t give me much space to move—not that I want to. Burying my fingers in his hair, I kiss his forehead, grateful when he relaxes against me.
Seeing the reaction from just one little kiss, I start peppering kisses all over his pretty face. Angel sniffs before snuggling closer.
“Feel better?” I lean back as far as he will allow me to cup his face.
The other day, I mentioned to Hazel how Angel is always warm and cuddly—like my personal heater and she said maybe it’s me who’s always cold and creepy—like a psychotic killer.
Yeah… that girl doesn’t do romance.
“Only a little. Maybe more kisses would help,” he says cheekily before pressing our lips together.
Anxo leads the kiss, and before I know it, we are a mess of needy kisses and grabby hands. Angel slowly lowers his hands to my ass before giving my cheeks a firm squeeze, which earns a breathy moan from me.
Woah .
I think I should accept Seiji’s offer of sex education. I don’t want to be clueless and ruin our sexy time together.
When I feel Angel softly nudge into my mind, I don’t hesitate to let him in. A tingle spread down my spine when he starts to build a mental connection with me. There's a small pressure in my head as the metaphorical knot tightens, strengthening the link between us.
I'm amazed by rush of warm feelings spreading in my chest and how right it feels.
We keep making out right there on the rooftop. And judging by the bright smile on his face or the way his hands that won’t stop caressing me, I’d say Angel feels much better now.
Oh, the lengths I would go for that smile.