40. Truth doesn’t change the way it hurts
Anxo
T his apology better be the best anyone has ever seen, or I might just lose the love of my life. Begging for forgiveness with an empty hand is a rookie mistake I'm not making.
As soon as I cross into the human realm, I make a beeline to McDonald’s and order everything my mate and son like on the menu. With bags full of hot junk food in the passenger seat, my next stop is the grocery store that's an hour away from the cabin.
I’m not even slightly ashamed for leaving the store with two large bags filled with enough sugar and spice to last my little family weeks. It still feels too little for the size of apology I’m hoping for, so I make yet another pit stop at a charming flower shop and find a bouquet that screams ‘I'm an airhead, please take me back’.
I spend around three hours running around the human realm, and buying everything in sight that my mate likes. By the time I drop the last bag in the trunk of my car, it’s filled to the brim, just like the backseat and the passenger seat.
Maybe I went just a little overboard.
I wish I could buy some courage on my way too because I’m standing in front of her door with arms overflowing with apology gifts, yet I can’t seem to knock.
I’m sure Nevaeh knows I’m here, but how the door hasn’t been thrown open by my excited mate makes me want to jump off a cliff. I know I’m responsible for my own misery, but her dismissal doesn’t hurt any less.
Taking a deep breath that I almost choke on due to the dozens of scents overloading my senses, I prepare to face the consequences.
With a mental promise that I won’t leave without earning my apology, I wrestle with the bags coming up to my shoulders and knock—with my head since my hands are full. The door doesn’t open, and the possibility of me dropping her precious fries and ruining them starts to make me panic. That will be her final straw.
Nobody messes with Nevaeh’s junk food and lives.
When the door slowly creaks open, I sigh in relief. The little crack is barely enough for August to peek his little head through and the moment he sees me, those big blue eyes widen in surprise.
I wait for the excitement to come, but instead, August forces his face to show indifference and goes to shut the door in my face. Ouch.
Thanking Fates for my quick reflexes, I wedge my foot between the door right before August can lock me out without giving me a chance to apologize.
The little guy is pissed.
My kiddo huffs when I refuse to leave. Folding his arms over his chest, he tries to look intimidating so I won’t dare cross the threshold.
Boy, I really messed up.
Fumbling with the bags, I drop to my knees but make sure I’m far enough from the door so August knows I won’t come in until he allows me. Wholeheartedly.
“I get it. You’re angry and disappointed and you have every right to be.” I wince when August's glare doesn’t let up. Hazel really outdid herself teaching him this.
“I hurt you, and I hurt Nevaeh. I promised to protect you from the world, but I failed kiddo—” I stop when he sniffs the air before pointing to the bag with nuggets.
Quickly handing over the bag, I stomp the urge to scream in joy when August loses the stink eye.
“I couldn’t protect you both and fight the bad guys at the same time, so I had to send you away. I’m so sorry, monkey. But now the bad guys are gone and we can go back. I’m here to take you home.”
August takes his sweet time picking apart my words for any traces of lie, all while shoving his face with nuggets. Oh, how I missed watching him devour food like we don’t feed the hungry little beast.
I scan him over a couple times and finally relax when I don’t see any physical signs of hurt. I’m grateful Nevaeh took such good care of him, but as much as I’m proud of her, I feel guilty for leaving her to care for herself and our kid all on her own.
“Home, Papa?” August asks curiously, and I don’t miss how his eyes light up at the idea.
He called me Papa. That means progress, right?
“Yes. I just have to apologize to Mama and make it all better and then we can go.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, his shoulders slump.
Oh boy… don’t tell me he thinks it’s impossible.
“Hey, have some faith in me, buddy.” I separate the bags with his things before handing them over. August eagerly grabs at them, barely paying me attention over his favorite snacks. “Now go play while I beg for forgiveness. And learn from my mistake, never hurt the women you love.”
When he leans in for a kiss, I don’t hesitate to smack a big one on his forehead. My heart melts listening to him giggle as he skips inside the house.
August left his post at the door, so I push it open and start looking for my mate. The click of the door behind me sounds miles away when my sore eyes finally settle on her figure in the kitchen.
Seeing her after two torturous weeks, I expected my heart to mend at the sight, instead, what I see breaks it further. Nevaeh looks dead on her feet. Her cheeks are flushed and sunken, making her cheekbones sharper. She looks thinner, reminding me of the night I found her in those woods. Alone, injured, and barely holding on to life.
The hair falling down her back is still wet from the shower, dangling in a knotted mess. I know how much Nevaeh hates brushing through her wavy mess and always waits for me to do it for her. I will braid her hair and tackle those waves every day of my life if she agrees to give my stupid self another chance.
Just one more chance, baby.
My feet involuntarily seek her out but stop when her eyes snap to me. Taking in my untidy and unkempt appearance, her brows furrow, seeing firsthand how our time apart has ruined me.
Blinking twice like she’s erasing the image from her head, Nevaeh turns her back to me. “I’ll pack his bag. You can take him back in half an hour.”
My heart cracks open at that. Of course, she doesn’t want to come back after what I did. I broke her heart for fates sake.
“I’m here for both of you,” I whisper, afraid of saying the wrong thing. The rest of my words get stuck in my throat when I’m close enough to see the deep purple shadows under her eyes.
Her sluggish movements and rigid posture remind me of how she was before she felt safe enough to relax around me. I loathe myself for hurting her to the point where she is willing to let August go for his safety but won’t even think about coming back with me.
I’m a grade-A dumbass.
“I screwed up.” Her hands drop the bowl she was washing at my sudden acceptance. “I know I royally screwed up and broke your trust. That day, I made you feel unwanted and discarded like you meant nothing to me, but you have to know the truth—the truth that my entire existence craves for you, sweetheart.”
Dropping the bags and flowers on the sofa, I carefully place the fries on top of it all. Dropping them in the middle of my apology would only make her want to kick me out even more, and I can’t afford that.
Nevaeh leans against the counter, and it's clear how hard it is for her to hear me out.
With every word, I take small steps and look for signs that she wants me to stop. “The night of August's birthday, it was so easy for you to sacrifice yourself for us and it... it scared me.”
Another step, another truth. “I’ve seen you hurt too many times and I’ve held you through your pain and it has only made me more terrified of losing you because I know if anything happened to you, I won’t survive. My life means nothing without you .”
My planned apology was down the drain the second I laid eyes on my beautiful girl. Now, my brain has stopped working entirely, and I’m leading with my heart. I hope I can prove how sorry I am and how much I want her back.
“Remember the nurse you never liked? And Mason? They were part of this massive coup along with several high-ranking warriors and elders. They wanted to k—they wanted you out of the way. I found out about it the night you got hurt.”
Nevaeh looks directly at me for the first time since I arrived. The moment our eyes meet, I want nothing more than to trap her in my arms and beg her to come back until she forgives me.
When my sweetheart starts breathing fire, I realize I probably shouldn’t have brought up Mason or the nurse. I can practically see all the ways she plans to talk to them.
Fates, I hope her fire won’t get diverted at me.
“Hazel and I went back to the portal when you were sleeping, and it was clear someone had messed with it from inside the kingdom. I was running back to you when they forced us into that stupid council meeting, but once they started talking it all made sense. They were why we kept getting ambushed and blindsided. The reason why I almost—almost lost you.”
I twist the rings on my fingers like she does when nervous. If she forgives me today, and I’ll let her twist my fingers until they break if she wants.
“I just couldn’t think straight. I was scared out of my mind thinking of all the ways I could lose you. I didn’t know who to trust, or who to turn to. Dozens of warriors, some I trusted most were working against us, and I just… I couldn’t breathe. I kept thinking you were surrounded by people who wanted to hurt you.”
Her hand reaches out to comfort me but she retracts it at the last second, thinking better of it.
Ouch. Again .
Fates, I’ll do anything to hold her hand again.
“So, when the council proposed sending you away, I jumped on the chance. Harvey and Hazel agreed too because that was the quickest way to get you somewhere safe. I know it was rash and cruel, but how could I ever forgive myself for selfishly keeping you beside me, in harm’s direct way when—”
My tongue freezes right before I can come out and say my truth. The truth that has the power to break us.
What if she decides to end us? I mean why would she want to be with me after what my parents did to her.
“M-my parents... they did this. Everything. Nevaeh… they were helping Visha. Like they did nine years ago .”
Her sharp inhale slashes at my heart. When she looks away from me to stare at the countertop, I'm waiting for her to kick me out. To yell. To hold me accountable for what my parents did, for not seeing it sooner.
I’m holding my breath until Nevaeh's pinkie brushes against mine before she reaches out to hold my hand.
The simple initiative boosts my confidence, and I step behind her. I give my sweetheart a chance to shove me away, but when she doesn’t, I cautiously wrap my arms around her middle and pull her back into me.
“They’re alive?”
I stop breathing altogether, at the rage floating in her question but when Nevaeh looks over her shoulder to assure me, I realize it's not directed at me.
It’s for them . She’s not boxing me in the same category.
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
That’s it?
The moment Nevaeh leans back into me, my vision blurs with tears. I don’t dare move my arms from where they belong. “I’m so sorry for everything, baby. I’m sorry for all those stupid things I said that day, sweetheart. I swear it broke me just the same to hurt you like that,” I croak.
Nuzzling her neck, I plant small kisses all over the slope of her neck before I miss the opportunity and relish the sensation of having her in my arms once again.
Fates missed her. I missed holding my sweetheart.
“You’re infuriating me, Anxo.” Her words sober me up quickly, and I wince at her rising temper.
I convince myself it’s a good thing she’s angry. It will be good for her to release some of this pent-up frustration. I’ll gladly let her get it out of her system now than hold it against me for days, or fate forbid months.
“I don’t want your apology. I don’t want logical explanations or how you did it for me. Fates, you're such an asshole. At least have the decency to say more hurtful shit, so I can keep my anger going b-because… because I don’t want to forgive you. Not yet.”
My whole body stills. My arms tighten around her; I refuse to be apart any longer. I’m not leaving her.
Not today. Not ever.
“I’m good with my fury and heartbreak so you can take your stupid apology and fuck right off,” Nevaeh seethes, and I hold her tighter when her voice breaks.
“I’m so sorry, baby. Please give me a chance. Just o ne more . And if I ever hurt you again, you can put me in a grinder or chop me to pieces and dump my body in the ocean or ruin my filing cabinet. Any punishment you decide, I’ll accept it without a peep, just please... please come back home with me.”
Still wrapped around her, I kiss her neck every few seconds. I can never get enough of my sweetheart.
Nevaeh accidentally snorts but quickly slaps her forehead for ruining her passive front.
I’m glad my apology is somewhat working when slowly her snickers turn into sniffles, and before I know it, she is breaking down in my arms.
I can’t even soothe her because hearing her cry makes my throat close up, and soon I’m crying with her. Nevaeh grips my arms around her waist when she feels me shaking behind her and my tears on her neck.
Fates we are a mess .
“I d-don’t want to let you in, only for you to abandon me again. I get it okay? I get that you thought it was best to ensure our safety, but you could’ve talked to me instead of kicking me out like that. That was a dick move.”
My sweet girl hiccups, trying to talk through her hurt. Her fears are more than justified, but she has to know if it wasn’t for her safety, I wouldn’t even let her go the bathroom by herself, let alone live in the middle of nowhere.
Holding her close, I kiss the tears off her face. Wiping her cheek on my sweater she wipes off my kisses, but it’s useless because I keep adding more.
Judging by how hard she’s trying to hold back her smile, I know my cheeky girl is doing it on purpose.
My sweetheart loves attention and kisses.
After making sure she’s not crying anymore, I kiss her forehead and pick her up to sit her on the counter. With my hands on her thighs, I make space for myself to stand between her legs and pull her close. Massaging her hips, I can’t stop thinking about fattening her up once again. I don’t like how much lighter she feels now.
Nevaeh plays with the collar of my sweater, and the feel of her soft fingers skimming the skin on my neck makes it hard to focus.
“As much I would've loved to show the world the consequences of hurting my mate, we needed more than revenge, baby. Trust me, no one walked out unscathed, but I had to make sure every single traitor was dealt with before they did more harm to my family… to my heart .”
Nevaeh looks away, blushing, but the hurt in her eyes is unmistakable. Cupping her soft cheeks, I kiss her forehead, then her nose, and then pepper kisses all over her face until my beautiful mate is giggling and trying to pry her face from my greedy lips.
I’ve won battles against the world and myself to be where I am, and ironically, the only person I would kneel for is the one who makes me feel on top of the world. Nevaeh could ask for my last breath, and I would simply ask when .
Without my sweetheart, I’m nothing. A planet discarded from its galaxy. A star collapsing on itself. A rock in space floating with no direction. She’s what makes life worth living.
Holding her face, I say, “It was never your fault, Nevaeh.” I press our bodies together, hating the slightest bit of space between us. “I was not protecting my people from you, sweetheart; I was protecting you from us . We failed you . I should’ve seen anyone’s malicious intentions for you, so I never had to hurt you like I did.”
Nevaeh ducks her head when her eyes brim with new tears. With my index finger under her chin, I make her look into my eyes when I apologize again for hurting the love of my life. “I’m truly sorry and deeply ashamed of every word that left my mouth that day. I hate myself for hurting you. Can you try to forgive me, sweetheart? Please? I don’t expect it to be now, but maybe in a week? A month? I’ll wait however—”
Nevaeh surprises me by leaning in and crashing her lips to mine. Her arms loop around my neck and her fingers grip my hair to bring me closer.
I freeze for a second before the surprise fades, and I'm kissing her back with every fiber of my being. I pour all my love into the kiss. My lips caress hers softly and passionately, letting her know how much I missed her.
When she pulls back, I follow her to keep us connected because, at this moment, I need her more than I need air. My refusal to let her breathe makes my sweetheart laugh into the kiss, and finally, seeing her smile after the hurt I imposed helps shed some weight off my heart.
Playing with my hair, Nevaeh whispers, “I thought you hated me.”
I don't use my words to reassure her this time. Sucking her bottom lip into my mouth, I kiss the doubts out of her. “Still think I hate you?”
She shakes her, “No, but you’re not forgiven yet. I have terms, Angel.” My sweetheart says cheekily and I kiss the tip of her nose. It’s funny she thinks I won’t give her anything she asks. My mate just needs to call me her Angel, and I’ll give her the world.
It crushed me when she called me ‘Anxo’ and ‘Horsemen Conquer’. My will nearly shattered, and I wanted to scream ‘ Mission abort ’ before picking her up and running to my room to lock us in.
“Accepted.”
My eager acceptance makes my beautiful mate chuckle. I have no shame admitting I need this woman to survive. She’s the source of my happiness, my lifeline, and I would choose death over a life without her.
“You have to hear them first, Angel.”
“I will do anything to keep you safe and content by my side, sweetheart. Everything I have is yours.”
The past weeks, I had almost convinced myself that she would never look at me with those soft eyes again. The way she smiles blurs my vision. I bury my face in her neck and wipe my eyes on her shoulder.
Nevaeh smiles brightly, taking my face in her cold hands before squishing my cheeks and listing her demands. As she goes on with her list, it makes me smile like a goof because they seem thoroughly rehearsed. My insides feel warm to see she had hope of us finding our way back one day.
“I need back rubs. Every. Night.”
“That and so much more.”
I’m not letting my woman go to sleep without her being 200% sure of how much I love her.
“Extra cuddles.”
“Absolutely.”
“No more pouting when I steal your clothes.”
Like I have any issues with how adorable she looks in my clothes. I just like to tease her about it. I would never admit it, but I bought twenty more sweatshirts for myself just so she could steal them.
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
I kiss her nose and wait for more. I can tell she is hesitant about this, but I see no reason for her to be.
“You can never leave no matter what happens or who we face. Promise me you'll never leave me again.”
“Sweetheart, the last two weeks have been the worst time of my life. I can’t imagine going through life without you ever again. If you don't believe me ask Seiji, he'll tell you in detail how miserable I was without you.”
I tell her about how Seiji and Grace barged into my office and all but forced me to accept their help so I could focus on getting my woman back.
She laughs, enjoying the stories of how miserable I was, and shows me every bruise on her gorgeous body that she had to endure because of me acting like an idiot.
Nevaeh is talking animatedly, her hands flying in every direction, telling me how she lucked out by having a stocked kitchen and a secure house, and I nod along until she stops abruptly. “You! You did it, didn’t you?”
Her outburst takes me back, and I immediately start counting everything I’ve done wrong in my life.
“This house! The precooked meals! You knew I suck at cooking and the… and the house in the middle of fucking nowhere—no threats—and the closet magically had soft new hoodies! You… you sneaky bastard! ”
She jabs an accusing finger against my chest, right where my heart is. I’m not sure if she’s angry or happy because her smile is confusing me, but when she bursts into tears, I officially panic.
Wiping her cheeks, I apologize over and over again. Falling into my chest, she sobs on my shoulder, breaking my heart with every hiccup.
I know I can’t erase all her pain with a single apology, but I can keep reminding her how much I love her. Rubbing her back, I kiss her forehead until she calms down.
“I love you,” my sweetheart croaks hoarsely.
I squeeze her in my arms, which makes her sigh in content. I love her little sighs when I try to mold our bodies together by squeezing the ever-loving crap out of her.
“I love you, sweetheart. It's time to kiss your lonely self goodbye because I’m not leaving your side, not even for a second from now on.” Wiping the last of her tears, I cup the side of her face that isn’t pressed against my shoulder.
“You are not coming inside the bathroom when I pee. That’s weird, Angel”
I simply hum and let her believe that.
As much as I love her in my arms, I know she is tired, and judging by her fatigue she has barely slept in the last two weeks. We have a few hours before the plan is set in motion, so I carry my sweetheart to her room, where August is waiting for us to pull our crap together so he can finally go home.
With August snuggling to my right and Nevaeh almost climbing over me from the left, I rub her back and watch her slowly fall asleep while August catches me up to speed on his adventures.
Nevaeh was right. Our son is turning into a mini sass queen... just like her.
I can’t believe my four-year-old called me out for being rude and mean to his mama. While Nevaeh let me off easy, August, on the other hand, made me apologize in ten different ways and twenty different bribes.
It’s a good thing I’m rich because my son has expensive taste.
We take a well-deserved nap for almost five hours when a sharp pinch in my head interrupts our little sleep fest. I groan in annoyance, having to separate from my babies, but I don’t get to bash Harvey for ruining my time with my family because he shuts the link immediately after asking me to return home.
I hate my responsibilities sometimes.