48
WESLEY
“Again,” I order Thea. She’s sweating more than I’ve ever seen, her paler winter skin slick and glossy. She needs a break, but I want her to go one more round.
She tilts her head, the ends of her tied up hair grazing her bare shoulder. “Wes, can we take a break?”
“After this one.” Thea looks astonished that I’m not bending to her will. That makes me double down. “Let’s go.”
She comes toward me, but not with her usual defensiveness, considering I’m about to pin her down and make her escape my hold. She approaches with a softness on her face. Is this a trick? I keep my wits about me, even as she presses her chest against mine.
I’m expecting a strike, however, Thea just stares up at me. Slowly, I watch as her hand rises, then she brushes her fingers over my cheek so tenderly. “Wes,” she coos, “what’s going on?” Her question cuts deep and I’m not prepared to answer it. Being physical is much easier.
Wrapping my arm around her waist, I quickly spin her so that her ass is pushed up against me. This is how we always start—me catching her off guard. The softness leaves her and is replaced by tenseness—her preparing for the fight.
Tuning into her body, I try to sense her first move. It isn’t hard. She shifts her weight to the right just slightly as she swiftly pushes her left arm forward, then drives it back into my ribs. I let her land the blow, despite knowing it’ll hurt like hell. Training Thea is a game of give and take—keeping her just motivated enough to not give up while showing her she still has a lot to learn.
I grunt involuntarily, but I don’t loosen my grip. “You can do better, blue eyes.” The frustration pours off of her in thick waves, yet she stays silent, calculating her next move. Smart.
She gets me unexpectedly this time as she stomps down hard on my foot. It’s enough to make my hold on her falter. Thea thinks quickly and uses her hip to thrust into my pelvis, making me unsteady. Then she drops her weight suddenly, slipping underneath my arm. “Ha!”
Facing me with a satisfied smirk, she puts some distance between us, but quickly grabs hold of my wrist with both of her hands. I match her grin, realizing she’s hoping to take advantage of my momentary imbalance. “I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you. Try again,” I taunt as I step closer to her, grab her shoulder with my free hand and swing my leg out to bring her down. But she shifts just in time for me to miss and widens her stance to keep stable.
My confidence in that move puts me off balance. Thea takes advantage of that as she comes in close with her knee aimed at my cock. I’m able to deflect the brunt of the impact, however, her knee still lands and makes me stagger.
She’s making progress. This is the longest she’s stayed on her feet during our trainings. I’m impressed, although I’m still taking it much easier on her than an attacker would and she needs to fully understand that.
Thea may be a bit quicker on her feet, but my size will always give me the advantage. I regain my balance and sweep my leg behind her knee. This time it lands. She doesn’t have time to react or find her footing. I shift my weight forward, using my shoulder to push into her chest, forcing her down. I go down with her, however, I’m prepared for it.
As soon as we hit the mat, I pin her arms down and use my legs to cage her in. Thea struggles against me. “Get off! Now!”
Her face is flushed. She won’t even look me in the eye. “We aren’t done, Thea. You need to keep going. Even if you’re on the ground, even if it seems like you’ve lost and there’s no hope, you keep going. You don’t stop until you’re not breathing anymore,” I lecture sternly. Her head turns and I see her eyes glistening.
Normally, I’d feel some sympathy, but that’s not going to save her life. She needs to toughen up. I harden my face, so she knows that I’m not budging on this. It takes her a moment to accept it, although when she does, her entire body comes to life.
Thea thrusts her hips up, squirms beneath me, and tries to loosen my grip on her arms. She’s giving it her all. It’s still not enough. She’s gotta get creative. “Surprise me. Catch me off guard. You can get away.” My voice grows more frustrated with each word. I know she has it in her.
“What’s wrong with you? Why are you being such a dick today?” She tries to pull her arms free. I follow her gaze as she glances down and her eyes widen. “Wes! Let go.” Her skin’s gone from red to purple. Fuck.
I release her. “Thea, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” I pull her up into a sitting position and take her arms in my hands. “Are you okay?” The frustration has fled, it’s replaced with concern. I was too hard on her—it wasn’t even her fault. I have so much shit going on inside of me and I guess this was my way of working some of that out. But she didn’t deserve that.
She pulls her arms away, rubbing them to get the circulation flowing. “Please talk to me,” she pleads. I hurt her and she still only cares about what I’m going through. “Is it your mom?” Thea can see right through me—there’s no point in hiding it.
Nodding, I drop my head into my hands, hiding the shame I’m sure is all over my face. “I don’t know how to feel,” I admit. “I was fine. I was okay with her coming around. I wasn’t angry, just apprehensive. But now… I can hardly contain the rage inside me. I feel like I’m going to lose it at any moment.”
Thea doesn’t say anything. Instead, she wraps her arms around me tightly. She doesn’t try to find a solution or psychoanalyze me—she just holds me. That might be the kindest thing anyone’s ever done for me. I’m not sure how long we stay like that, but eventually I pull away because sitting here in these feelings will only get me so far.
“Do you want to tell me more?” It’s a gentle nudge. I know she wants me to open up and I want that, too. I really do. Still, it’s hard. Emotions aren’t exactly my strong suit. That’s always been the problem with me, though. I hate being vulnerable, yet being closed off has gotten me nowhere. What if I tried? What if I really opened up all the way? What’s the worst that could happen?
I take a steadying breath. “I do want to tell you. It’s hard for me. I’m used to keeping it all in. I’m used to being strong.” She takes my hand in hers.
“Me too, Wes. But maybe we can try being weak together. Maybe there’s some healing in that.” Her blue eyes are filled with sadness as she says it. She could be right. Being weak together might help.
“Okay.” I take a moment to gather my scattered thoughts. “I was cautious. I took my time to make sure I wouldn’t get hurt. I kept her at a distance, but then we met and I didn’t want to anymore. I wanted to hug her and feel some type of connection. I don’t understand why. Why would I want a connection with this stranger?”
I’ve asked myself this question over and over with no answer. I wonder if Thea has one. Maybe it’ll be easier since she’s on the outside of this.
“It makes sense, even if it doesn’t. She’s your mom, despite not knowing her your whole life. Her leaving wounded you in ways that are deeply ingrained emotionally. It’s okay for you to acknowledge that she abandoned you and that betrayal isn’t easily forgivable. But it’s also okay for you to want that connection. To want to have that nurturing bond you missed out on. Does that make sense?”
It doesn’t. I wish I could say otherwise. I shouldn’t want to be nurtured. I’m a grown man. I’m not a child. She must see the conflict on my face.
“It’s alright if it doesn’t make sense. It might never.”
I sigh. “How am I supposed to forgive her for being a shitty and irresponsible person? Why am I supposed to be fine with her leaving me with the aftermath of her abandonment?” My voice cracks at the words. Speaking them into existence makes it real.
“Wes,” she says sympathetically. “You don’t have to forgive her. You don’t have to accept it or accept her into your life. You don’t have to justify her actions. You can feel angry, confused, betrayed, and sad. Those feelings are so valid. Even if her actions weren’t malicious, they hurt you to your core. So it’s your choice. You can choose to have a relationship with her. You can choose to be bitter or to forgive. Neither are right or wrong. You have to do what’s best for you because you deserve that and you’re worthy of healing and unconditional love.”
Her words are profound. She’s right. It doesn’t matter if my mom was right or wrong. It doesn’t matter what she says or does. All that matters is that I control my feelings. I have the power to choose what happens next. And whether I forgive her or not doesn’t dictate my journey. I can heal with or without her in my life. The only thing she’s provided me with is answers and clarity on my past.
“You’re right. No one gets to decide what happens in here except me.” I point to my chest and Thea smiles softly. There’s a bit of pride shining in her eyes at knowing she’s gotten through to me.
So what was the worst that could happen? Nothing. Absolutely nothing bad happened from me being vulnerable. If anything, I feel so much lighter.
I pull her in and hug her for a long time. Something else clicks into place, something that should scare me, but I can’t muster fear. The feeling settles over me and I accept it. I hope she will too.