Chapter 18 Her Certainty
Her Certainty
Deacon
While Jenny went to the mall with Maggie and Maxine, I drove out to the airfield.
It was usually quiet at this time of year, but never this deserted. But I was there now, and it didn’t stop me from pulling into the parking lot and having a look around.
All my friends growing up went to Air Cadets. Our parents loved it for its discipline and close supervision. We loved it because it was fun.
Where else can twelve-year-old boys hope to blow up rockets and handle weapons?
Still, by the time I was fifteen, I was the only one left.
I loved the structure and the camaraderie, the tech courses in aircraft mechanics and the forest survival training.
The first time I hit the skies, I was sixteen years old, and not at the controls.
It lit a fire in me that never went out.
I enrolled in the technical course as soon as my boots hit the dirt, and was back in the air, this time at the controls, six months later.
I felt more at home in the skies than I did on the ground. Crazy to say as an Air Force pilot, but up there I felt closer to God than I ever had in church.
Charlie had been like me; flying was his life.
If he had to go, I know without a doubt, that’s the way he would have chosen. But it didn’t negate the fact that had I chosen differently, he’d be here in my place.
I’d lived my life for my parents, for Jenny, and for the military.
The urge to live my life for Charlie rode me hard, but it’s not what he would have wanted.
And it would have been a grave disservice to the woman I loved.
I walked over to the airfield and propped my forearms on the fence. The wind stung my face and whipped through my coat to chill my bones.
I had so many good memories here.
If I closed my eyes, I could hear myself laughing.
A few hours later, freshly showered and dressed, I jogged up the steps to Jenny’s door.
When she opened it and stepped back to let me in, I whistled low with appreciation.
Her dress, a deep emerald-green knit with a deep V-neck, hugged her curves and ended just above her knees.
It was the most I’d seen her show off her figure since I’d come home.
I looked her up and down, then looked again.
“You look gorgeous, baby. Is that new?”
“I bought it today.” She flushed, then laughed and gave me a little twirl. “I’m not sure…”
I grinned, warmed by her pleasure in showing off her lovely body to me. “It’s perfect. You’re perfect.”
My smiles came easier now, even if only for her.
“I feel underdressed,” I teased.
She smiled, her soft, blue eyes twinkling. “Hopefully later you’ll be truly underdressed.”
I grasped her waist and pulled her close. “Spoken like a woman who doesn’t want to go out to the movies tonight.”
Her eyebrows quirked as she considered the possibility.
Giving her a squeeze, I nipped her avoidance in the bud and murmured, “Can’t have that dress going to waste.”
“Maybe you could just take the dress, and I’ll stay home,” she teased softly.
I grinned down at her beautiful face. “Not a chance, gorgeous.” I patted her lovely, round ass and turned to grab her coat.
It was a pleasure having her turn for me so I could draw it up her arms and settle it over her shoulders.
Dipping my head, I pressed a kiss to her temple.
Everything was perfect from the drive into Peppergrove to our dinner to the movie which she watched raptly, laughing at the appropriate moments, grabbing my hand when she teared up, and rising with a happy sigh at the happily ever after.
Leaving the theatre, the sound of my name in a deep, rough voice caught my attention.
Catching sight of the crewcut heading my way, I smiled and held out my hand.
“What are you saying, man?” He pushed my hand away and flashed his very straight, very white teeth before pulling me in for a hug and slapping me on the back. “Why didn’t you call and tell me you were back?”
I drew back and took him in.
Other than his over-zealous dentist, he looked much the same as I remembered. He was a big guy, always had a smile on his face, though he could be a bit of a jerk when it came to women.
Despite his crew cut, Adam was one of the friends who left cadets as soon as his parents allowed. We’d attended the same church and schools, becoming fast friends at the ripe old age of three, our mothers arranging regular playdates to cement the bond.
“Adam,” I replied, shaking his hand. “It’s good to see you.”
He grinned but his eyes were hard. “Why didn’t you call, Deac?”
I nodded to Jenny. “First things first,” I said. “I’ve had other priorities since I’ve been back.”
“Aw,” he nodded slowly. “Jenny Davis.”
A petite woman with tired eyes and a pretty face caught up and stood behind him, a small child clinging to each of her hands.
I nodded to her with a smile before turning my attention back to my childhood best friend. “Is this your family?”
A hint of annoyance flashed across his face. If I hadn’t been watching, I would have missed it.
He impatiently waved his wife forward. “This is my wife Lynn, and our girls, Lauren and Leanne.”
I held out my hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Lynn.” Drawing Jenny up beside me, I smiled. “This is Jenny, my, well, my everything.”
Lynn smiled at Jenny and shook her hand while Adam laughed far too loudly. “You always were a total sucker for a pretty face.”
Jenny stiffened beside me, her spine going ramrod straight as she drew back, edging behind me.
I tipped my chin down only to see her shrink into herself.
I turned back to Adam, my eyes narrowed, just in time to catch the look on his face as his eyes wandered over Jenny’s figure.
I cleared my throat.
His eyes darted to mine and he grinned sheepishly.
I didn’t smile back.
Turning to his wife, I said, “Once again, Lynn, it was a pleasure to meet you. Your girls are lovely. They look just like you.”
She smiled, her face brightening for just a moment before shutting down once more.
As for Jenny, she kept her head down, barely waving bye to Lynn as I guided her away with my hand at the small of her back, the bulk of my body shielding hers.
“Can I please have my coat?” she murmured.
I took it from over my arm and held it out for her before turning her around and cupping her sweet face.
Beautiful.
And broken.
But weren’t we all?
“Are you okay?”
She nodded but didn’t speak.
I held her face in my hands, but she held my heart in hers.
She dropped her eyes and stepped back before spinning around and heading for the doors. Crossing her arms over her chest, she bent her head into the wind and marched to the truck with me on her heels.
It wasn’t until we got inside and closed the doors against the wind that she asked, “Did you see the way he looked at me?”
I grimaced as I started the truck. “He was always a bit of a douche.”
“He makes me uncomfortable,” she admitted quietly, then her voice hardened. “I don’t like him at all.”
“I can see why,” I replied, adjusting the heat. “I don’t care for the way he looked at you or the way he treated his wife.”
“Why were you friends for so long?” she demanded as I pulled out onto the road.
I shrugged as I pulled out onto the road. “You grow up with someone, and you don’t realize you’ve outgrown each other. We’ve always been in the same circle—”
“Well, it’s a shitty circle,” she snapped.
I took a breath. “Did he give you a hard time when I left?”
She turned to face the window. “It was a long time ago. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It matters,” I growled. “It all matters. It mattered then and it matters now. I won’t have you disrespected.”
“Look, Deacon. I can buy a pretty outfit and dress up, but I will never fit into your circle. You’ll have to leave your entire life behind to be with me. Either that, or you’ll begin to look at me the way your buddy Adam looks at his wife.”
“He’s not my buddy.”
“Sure seemed like it,” she sneered.
“Jenny, he’s not anything to me. I couldn’t care less if I never see the man again.”
“You say that now,” she shook her head, “but you don’t know what’s coming. How much worse it’s going to get.”
“Why didn’t you leave Moose Lake?” I blurted.
She tilted her head and stared at me incredulously. “And leave Ansel?”
I nodded. “I figured.”
She lifted her chin and stared out the windshield. “When Ansel goes, so will I.”
A solid, heavy, ball of terror dropped on my chest like a fifty-pound kettle bell dropped from the fucking sky. “Let’s talk about this when we get home,” I murmured.
I needed to buy myself some time.
Find the right words.
“I think you should just take me home.”
“Not a chance,” I snapped. “You at least owe me a conversation.”
She leaned forward, her seatbelt drawing tight over her chest. “And how does that feel, Deacon?” she snarled.
I blew out a slow breath.
It had to come out sometime. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I was looking forward to putting it behind us.
I pulled into my driveway. By the time I got my door open, she was standing at the front door, impatiently tapping her foot.
Aligning my chest with her back, I fit my key into the door.
She curled into herself, a muffled sob breaking from her lips.
The sound pierced my heart. She was terrified, her heart fragile, but her will indomitable.
I turned the key and gently prodded her inside. Turning her around, I took her coat before dropping down to one knee to remove her boots.
Her hand ghosted over my hair as she whispered, “Thank you.”
I stood. “Come on,” I urged, wrapping my arm around her shoulders and taking her into the family room.
Her sweet body deflated against mine.
I didn’t want her like this.
I didn’t want her defeated and broken, uncertain and afraid, shrinking and hiding.
I wanted her strong and confidant, sure of my love for her, sure of her place in my heart and my life. And if she wasn’t sure, I wasn’t doing my job.
I sat down on the couch and settled her on my lap.
Tucking her head under my chin, her ear resting over my thundering heart, I began.
“All my best memories are with you.” I closed my eyes and rubbed my cheek over the top of her head. “Those sheets on our bed were awful, and that mattress came from the Flintstone’s era, but I’ve never slept so deeply or peacefully as I did with you wrapped around me.”
The scent of her shampoo teased my senses, soothing and arousing me at once.
“There were so many times over the years I wanted to call you, even if it was just to hear your voice. There were so many times I wanted to hash things out. Between deployments and running from the truth, I did a great job distracting myself.”
She tried to push off my chest.
“Shh,” I hushed, tightening my hold. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. I have too many regrets to count.”
She splayed her palm over my chest and lifted her face to press into my throat. Her body shook with silent cries.
How many nights had she lain awake?
How many nights had she lain awake thinking she wasn’t enough?
My chest squeezed tight, my throat closing over the grief I’d buried. Voice tight, I confessed, “For the past decade, I’ve only been half alive.”
I gathered her long legs up to hold all of her on my lap. If this was to be the last time I’d hold her, I wanted all of her.
My eyes stung with the truth, and it ran down my face. I tipped my head back against the couch, fighting for control.
I heaved in a breath. “You may be able to get along without me, baby, but I’m not that strong.”
I tipped my head down and pressed my lips to the top of her silky head. “I am my best self with you.”
She didn’t speak. Not one word.
But she clung to me and pressed tighter with every word.
“My love for you was never the problem,” I rasped.
Was she also holding me like it was the last time?
Desperation blurred my vision. “I was young and scared and I gave up too soon. Please believe me when I tell you I am not the same man, but you’re still the same woman I fell in love with, beautiful inside and out.”
Something clicked deep inside. Mental doors slammed shut, the echo of each reverberating through my heart and mind until only one door, one way forward, remained.
I wasn’t worthy of her, but I was taking her for my own, nonetheless.
I plunged my arms underneath her and stood.
Her head fell back as her arms wrapped around my neck, her blue eyes wet with tears.
I hardened my heart to her tears. There was no room here for compromise. “I won’t lose you.”
I shook my head as I headed for the stairs. “I can’t.”
I swallowed that ball of grief that threatened to erupt and vowed, “Never again.”
Her face crumpled and she fisted my shirt in her hands, hanging on even as she tried to let me go. “You and me, we’re not meant to be together, Deacon.”
Resolved, I set my jaw and my will and crossed the threshold into my bedroom.
I’d be her strength, her certainty, and her confidence.
“Jenny, I am fully, completely, irrevocably committed to you.” When she tried to look away, I tightened my hold. “I’m begging you to trust me. I will not let you down.”
Her heart in her eyes, she gently palmed my face and asked, “And when it all comes out, Deacon? What then?”
I moved in, pressed my forehead to hers, and promised, “I’ll be right here. Beside you.”
Her body trembled against mine.
“I know you’re afraid,” I whispered. “And you have every right to be. But I will go to any lengths to ensure your happiness. I’ll protect you, love you, find a way to give you the life you want whatever that takes, but the one thing I’ll never do is let you go.”