5. Harden
I ’ve never known the true feeling of freedom, not when I was a child, and certainly not now, but I do know the feeling of fear.
I know what it’s like when it consumes you, paralyzes you, and I also know what it’s like when it pushes you to the point of no return.
I’ve lived in that fear for as long as I can remember, and every time I think I can escape it, it comes back worse than ever before.
My hands clutch the steering wheel like it’s my lifeline, as I take the tight corner and zoom past my opponent as we enter our final lap.
The adrenaline of racing is unlike anything I have ever felt, and trust me I have felt far too much in my almost twenty years of being alive.
Yet being here, being behind the wheel, feeling my foot press the pedal to the ground and reaching unimaginable speeds, well, it’s the only time I can truly breathe at the moment.
It suppresses the fear, quiets the noise, and distracts me from my forbidden desires.
My mind is clear and focused with only one goal in mind.
To win.
I’ve been coming to The Underground for almost a year now, and it’s better than any drug I have ever had, and some days, especially ones like today, it’s even better than hockey.
Officially this place doesn’t exist anymore, it’s a huge, old racetrack that was abandoned and left to rot until it was taken over by the Miles Brothers.
Unofficially, it’s the best underground and illegal racing track in the entire country.
People come here from all over to go against the best of the best and win by any means necessary.
There are no rules, no limits, just you, your opponent, and the track ahead of you.
My engine is screaming beneath me, the speedometer almost completely maxed out, as I weave my car through the new obstacles that Caden picked out.
Caden Miles, the unofficial leader of this place and an almost certified psychopath.
His twin brother, Casper, is set to be the next big thing in the racing world, which isn’t surprising considering the two of them are racing royalty.
Their dad, Camden Miles, is one of the best racers that Premier International Racing has ever seen, and Casper is already primed to break all of his records.
The guys and I know them from school, although they were the year above us, and then of course we got acquainted with their cousin Jason the night he tried to fuck with Aurora.
Giving him his payback felt better than racing and hockey combined, but thankfully the rest of them are nothing like him.
I catch a glimpse of Nathan’s headlights in my rearview and I smirk, that prick really thinks he can take me?
He’s a piss poor opponent and he knows it, but the fucker has more money than sense sometimes, but word on the street is he’s running out of both.
I grip the wheel even tighter, taking the next turn at almost full speed, just as the finish line comes into view.
There is already a crowd gathered, Caden and some of his inner circle, other racers, and a bunch of rubber chasing girls no doubt, but my only focus is on those thick white lines on the ground and the red flag that flies above them.
Taking one last look in my mirror, I smirk at Nathan’s lights getting even closer, before I slam my foot completely down and fly away from him and through the finish line.
I do a full one eighty as I come to a stop, smoke coming off my wheels, as I turn off my engine and bask in my racing heartbeat. I won, just like always.
“Fuck yeah, that’s what I’m talking about,” Caden’s right hand man, Bobby, booms into the mic, not even sparing Nathan a second look as he finally crosses the finish line.
“The Haze sets fire to the track once again,” he cheers, before jumping off the makeshift podium area and making his way toward me.
When I climb out of the car he greets me with a fist bump.
“Nice fucking race, man,” he praises, and I roll my eyes.
Come on, even fucking Griffin could beat Nathan . I sign and Bobby tracks my fingers before he chokes out a laugh, we both know Griffin is a terrible driver.
Before he can respond, the twins join us, Casper smiling widely, no doubt just enjoying the fact that Caden actually allowed him to come tonight, and Caden with that same grim smirk that always tugs at the corner of his mouth, as if he always knows something we don’t.
“Nice race, Haze,” Casper grins, holding out his fist. “You’re getting almost as good as me.”
Oh yeah, think daddy will let me be a PRI prince like you? I sign, and he chokes out a laugh, as Caden silently nods at Bobby who starts instantly pulling out some money.
“Ten large for the hockey prince,” Bobby mocks, handing me a stack of bills, and I take them with a nod. “What charity are you giving it to this time?” he asks, but all I do is shrug, as I shove the cash into the front seat of my car.
“Leave him alone, Bobs, he’s like me, enjoys the adrenaline rush of a good race,” Casper cuts in, coming to my defense, and he’s not technically wrong, although I’m sure our reasons for needing to race are vastly different, and I catch a glimpse of Caden’s rare, true smile as he watches his brother closely.
“I just don’t understand why he chooses to race for money, if he’s just going to give it away,” Bobby replies with a dramatic shrug, as Caden leans on the hood of my car and pulls out a cigarette.
What else would I race for? I ask, looking between the three of them, and both Bobby and Casper smirk.
“Favors,” Caden grunts, inhaling deeply, before blowing out a cloud of smoke, and Bobby laughs.
What kind of favors? I sign, and I know my question is bold, it’s not like I haven’t heard the rumors about Caden Miles, his name is a deathly whisper across this town and Fairfield, but still I hold his stare as I ask.
He doesn’t answer, not straight away at least, instead he inhales another drag of his cigarette before tossing it to the ground and stomping it out. “The kind that no one else is willing to do.”
If I had any fear left in me for anything else, then maybe a chill would dance down my spine at his words, but I don’t, yet that doesn’t stop Casper from jumping in on his brother’s behalf.
“Everyone needs a favor sometimes, you know, helping your grandma decorate, tickets for your dad to a football game, or saving your mom from a burning building, you get it, don’t you Haze? ”
My stare doesn’t drop from where Caden is holding it, as I sign. Well my grandma and dad are dead and my mom is an abusive piece of shit, so no, I don’t get it.
Casper frowns at my response, but I swear there is a gleam in his twin's eyes, as both their stares snap to one another.
“Excuse me, I have something I need to do,” Caden replies, nodding his head at me, before focusing on his brother and then Bobby.
“Make sure he gets home alive and unharmed or I’ll kill you,” he says calmly, squeezing his brother’s shoulder, before disappearing from sight as Casper mutters something to himself.
There is a weird tension that only I seem to be on the outside of as he leaves, yet before I can question it, Nathan sheepishly shuffles his way over to Bobby.
“Ah the jester has come to pay his debts,” Bobby mocks, pulling out his little black notebook.
“As I have it, your debt stands at seven large,” he tells him, tapping the page with his pen.
“Erm, yeah, about that,” Nathan starts, not meeting Bobby’s stare. “I don’t actually have it on me,” he admits, and Casper mutters something again, before pulling out his phone.
“Then you better go get it,” Bobby tells him blandly, not taking his eyes off his notebook.
“I don’t have it anywhere,” Nathan replies, barely above a whisper, and Bobby’s eyes snap to him, searching him for the lie, but from the panicked look in my opponent’s eyes, I know he won’t find it.
“You either find it from somewhere, or Caden comes for it himself, your choice.” The fear his response instills is instant, and Nathan visibly begins to shake. I guess he’s heard the rumors about Caden too.
“No, Bobby, please don’t tell him about this, I’ll get it to you by the end of the night, I promise,” Nathan stammers, his tone near desperate, but Bobby doesn’t falter in the slightest, bringing his focus back to his notebook.
“You have two hours,” he informs him, and even though he doesn’t relax, Nathan seems a little relieved.
“Thank you, thank you so much.”
Bobby just rolls his eyes. “Tick tock.”
All three of us watch him scramble away, and I note the glare that Casper aims in Bobby’s direction, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
Why are you only nice to me? I sign, but before either of them can respond, a new familiar voice cuts in.
“Because you’re hot,” Wilder Miles, the twin’s cousin and Jason’s older brother, calls out, as he approaches us, with Griffin in tow.
“But not as hot as me, right?” Griffin nudges him with a playful smirk, as they reach us.
“I don’t know, Blake, show me your dicks and then I’ll decide,” Wilder tosses back, and Griffin rolls his eyes.
“In your dreams, Miles, you’re a bigger slut than Everest.” Griffin’s tone is playful, as he focuses on me and quickly signs. You good?
I only nod, not able to put my messed up thoughts into words, even if I could fucking speak properly. Griffin only offers me a grim smile, no doubt seeing right through me, and I fucking hate myself for it.
“You guys staying for another race?” Casper asks, looking between us.
“Or I could take you both for a ride,” Wilder cuts in, grabbing his dick suggestively, and I can’t help but smirk at how ridiculous he is.
“Nah, we’ve got practice at 6 A.M. so we should split,” Griffin tells him, still watching me, and I know his response is a subtle command that it’s time to go home.
“That’s why I picked racing over hockey,” Casper groans, as if even the thought of an early morning is beneath him.
“Yeah, that’s the reason, not the racer blood that floods your veins,” Bobby replies, before calling out to two other racers to get set up.
“It's true, cut us and we bleed rubber, don’t we, superstar,” Wilder replies, throwing his arm around Casper’s shoulders.
“I do, don’t know about you,” Casper jokes, shoving his cousin off and tossing us a salute before he jogs backwards with a smirk.
“Oh you’re gonna pay for that, prick,” Wilder shouts, running after him. “Catch you guys next time,” he calls over his shoulder at us, and I nod my head in acknowledgement.
“Haze, always a pleasure, call me next time you’re in need,” Bobby adds, before he turns on his heel and heads back to the podium to get ready for the next race.
“You ready, Fireball?” Griffin asks, gently nudging my shoulder, and I nod again, turning to meet his stare.
Meet you at the top to drive home? I sign and Griffin nods.
“Sure thing,” he sighs, moving to leave as I do the same, but then his hand grips my arm and he spins me toward him. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks, desperately searching my stare, and just for a second his touch doesn’t cause me pain.
For a moment I look into his eyes and feel the freedom I crave and the words crawl up the back of my throat.
My heart is screaming at me to tell him, to let him in, to let someone in, and not drown in this darkness alone, but then my brain cuts me off.
How could anyone understand when I don’t even understand it myself?
How can I expect him to accept me and still love me when I don’t even love myself?
So instead of bearing my soul, I force down the truth and pain, and nod instead.
I’m okay.
Then I climb into my car and start my engine, hoping like always it will drown out the voice inside my head that tells me I’m worthless, and as always, it doesn’t work.